


Last Wish

by smkkbert



Category: Arrow (TV 2012)
Genre: Cancer, F/M, Friends to Lovers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 18:13:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 122,686
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25470679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smkkbert/pseuds/smkkbert
Summary: Oliver feels like his life is crumbling when his best friend reveals that she is sick. Desperate to help her through the toughest time of her life, Oliver puts all his energy in fulfilling the wishes on Felicity's bucket list. His hardest challenge - Felicity's last wish on the list is getting married.
Relationships: Oliver Queen/Felicity Smoak
Comments: 279
Kudos: 472





	1. Shock

**Author's Note:**

> I will update always on Thursdays!

“You look like that grumpy cat that was hyped on the internet a couple of years ago.”

Lifting his gaze from his feet, Oliver found his father standing at the foot of the stairs and looking at him with scrutinizing eyes. If it wasn’t for the sympathy that was in Robert’s gaze, Oliver would have probably apologized for his appearance. This way, he just pushed his hands into the pockets of his jeans and shrugged his shoulders.

There had just been a bad feeling pooling in the pit of his stomach since Felicity had texted him earlier today that she needed to see him. Something told him that he’d memorize this day forever and, unfortunately, he doubted that he would remember it in a good way. He couldn’t really tell his dad about it though. After all, it was just a feeling and a completely irrational one too.

“Are you heading out?”

Oliver nodded his head. “I go to see Felicity.”

That seemed to catch his father’s interest a lot more than Oliver’s bad mood. He lowered the morning mail he had just fetched and looked at Oliver intensely.

“Is she any better?” Worry was audible in Robert’s voice. “When she called in sick last week, she really sounded terrible. I sent her a gift basket with all kinds of stuff you can need when you are sick, but I don’t know if she even received it.”

Oliver bit down on the inside of his tongue. He knew that Felicity had called in sick at Queen Consolidated for the last two weeks, but he actually kind of doubted that she really had such a terrible cold as she had said on the phone. She had never refused to let him visit her because of a cold, but she had done so these last couple of days until today. That she had fallen sick the day after she had planned a romantic night with her boyfriend Ray was kind of suspicious too. Maybe the two had just used the last two weeks to enjoy some romantic time together.

Instead of saying any of that, Oliver just shrugged his shoulders once more. He couldn’t say that he liked Ray or wanted Felicity and him to spend so much romantic time together. She was his best friend though, and he knew that she had barely done anything other than working her ass off since she had graduated MIT at the age of nineteen. If someone deserved to skip work, it was her. He wouldn’t betray her no matter what.

“Maybe I put too much work on her.” Robert sighed, shaking his head. “When I made Felicity my Junior CEO, I thought she would want to learn the ropes as quickly as possible, so she had enough time for it before she will take over my position one day and-“

Oliver shook his head. “You know Felicity. She never does anything half-heartedly, and she wouldn’t have wanted to do anything less than to go all in. That’s just who she is. I guess a cold like this was bound to happen one day. Since I have known her, she has been sick for maybe four days, and she always managed to push the high temperature to the weekend, so she wouldn’t miss a day of work. She is crazily disciplined.”

Since Robert knew how well his son knew Felicity and since he trusted his judgement, he nodded his head in agreement. There was no reason to put any blame on himself. It wouldn’t be fair to Felicity either. She was a strong woman who made all her decisions herself, rightfully one should add.

“You should bring her some of Raisa’s chicken soup,” he said eventually, “because that one worked magic when you were a kid.”

“It still does,” Oliver replied, “which is why-“

“-he already ordered a pot.”

Looking at Raisa, who was coming from the kitchen with a box of soup in her hands, Oliver smiled. After Felicity had texted him this morning, Oliver had gone into the kitchen to ask Raisa for the soup, just in case Felicity was really sick after all. He hadn’t even needed to ask Raisa to cook the soup though. When he had mentioned that he was going to visit Felicity, she had immediately offered to cook it for her. Raisa liked Felicity as much as the entire Queen Family did.

He took the last couple of steps down the stairs and took the fragrant box. He kissed Raisa’s cheek in gratitude.

“Thank you, Raisa.”

“You are very welcome.” Raisa smiled warmly. “Tell Ms. Felicity to get better soon and that I will cook whatever she needs to get better.”

“Good wishes from me too,” Robert said, “and tell her not to worry about the company. She should get well first before she comes back. I need her in her best form.”

Oliver smiled. He knew how much Queen Consolidated meant to his father. It was like his third child, something he had built and raised by putting years of energy and love into it. That was Felicity’s health meant more to him than the company just proved how much Felicity really was a part of the family. Oliver loved that thought because she was family to him and always would be.

“I will.”

With that, he left the house and got into his car. He placed the box of soup onto the passenger seat and took some deep breaths before he directed the car down the driveway and towards Felicity’s townhome downtown. His fingers were drumming on the steering wheel nervously.

The truth was that Oliver knew where the bad feeling in his stomach came from. With Felicity’s romantic evening and the two weeks she might have taken for an extension of these romantic hours, Oliver suspected – and feared actually – that Felicity might have gotten engaged to Ray.

The thought made his stomach twist painfully. His fingers tightened around the steering wheel. His chest tensed. His breath got caught in his lungs as he struggled to breathe. Everything about that thought made him feel uncomfortable.

Oliver knew that Ray was probably a good guy. He was smart, shared a lot of Felicity’s ambitions and seemed to genuinely care about her. Felicity could have made a worse choice than Ray Palmer. At the age of 26, it wasn’t unlikely to get married either, and they had been together for almost a year now which was longer than any of his relationships had ever lasted. The odds were in their favor for a happy marriage as far as you could predict the success of a marriage beforehand.

Still, Oliver just didn’t like that guy because he just had a feeling that, although he was nice and everything, he wasn’t the one. Felicity deserved better, someone who was utterly crazy for her and who would always put her first. With Ray, who was currently setting up his own company, that would be difficult. She would have to take a backburner behind that company for the next couple of months or even years. Felicity deserved more than that.

Taking in a deep breath, Oliver tried to push those thoughts away. If Felicity would indeed want to get married to Ray, he would have to be happy for her. Felicity was smart, so he would make the right decision for herself. Nobody knew better what was good for her than she herself did.

Oliver stopped the car at the side of the street before Felicity’s townhouse. The shutters were all closed and the mailbox next to her door bristled. Felicity must have really locked herself in completely. Oliver had done the same during his first week with Helena Bertinelli as they had spent all their time ravishing each other.

With a groan, Oliver pushed the thought away. He grabbed the box of soup from the passenger seat and got out. On his way to the door, he reminded himself of the smile he would have to fake if Felicity told him that she and Ray had gotten engaged. He would smile and tell her how happy he was for her. He wouldn’t let her see anything else because it just wouldn’t be fair.

“You can do this.”

The words wouldn’t really sink in, and Oliver doubted that any reasonable frame of time would help with that. That was why he lifted his hand and knocked at the door.

Usually, it only took seconds until Felicity called that she was already on her way. Then he would hear her quick steps and the noises that were caused when Felicity ran against any of her furniture or stumbled about anything that she had just dropped on the floor carelessly before. It never failed to make him chuckled.

Today, everything stayed silent though, and the door stayed closed for quite some time. Only when Oliver lifted his hand to knock once more, the door finally opened.

A pang of guilt spread in his chest when he saw Felicity. One look at her was enough for him to know that she really was sick. Her face was pale, almost white really. There were dark shadows under her glassy, red eyes. Her lips were dry. A fine film of sweat covered her skin. She was wearing sweatpants and a wide hoodie which he had never seen her wear before. She looked like crap, not that he would ever say that out loud.

“Hey,” he said quietly, predicting it was better for the headache she probably had if he wasn’t too loud, “I know it’s summer which is not the right time for any kind of soup, but this one is magic in a box. You will feel better instantly.”

He lifted the box of soup for Felicity to see. She smiled, or the corners of her lips twitched into what was probably supposed to be a smile. It failed to reach her eyes though. It looked kind of miserable which only proved how terrible she must be feeling.

“Can you please just put it to the kitchen counter?” Felicity asked. “I am not ready to eat anything right now and-“

“Of course.”

Oliver walked past Felicity and through the open living space into the small kitchen area. He opened the box, so the soup could cool down until Felicity was hungry and ready to eat something. With a look at the spanking clean – because completely unused – kitchen, Oliver turned around to Felicity, who was still standing at the door.

“I can reheat this for you later,” he told her, “whenever you are ready. We don’t want you to burn down the entire house, the neighborhood and yourself in an attempt to use your heater for the first time and-“

“Oliver,” Felicity interrupted him, her voice sounding raspy, “you should sit down.”

Oliver chuckled, only shooting a brief look back over his shoulder. “I could tell you the same.”

Opening a couple of cupboards, most of them empty, Oliver eventually found a glass. He filled it with tap water and downed it in one go. He put the glass into the sink before he turned around to Felicity. She was still standing at the door, holding onto the door handle like she was unable to stand on her own two feet without holding onto it.

“Do you need help there?” Oliver asked with a little bit of a chuckle because Felicity really looked miserable which, of course, wasn’t funny at all, but it was easier to chuckle than to worry about her. “I could help you to get to the couch if you-“

“Oliver.”

Felicity’s voice was determined, much more determined than Oliver would have thought it could be. He looked at her, seeing the serious expression in her eyes.

“Sit down.”

She said the words slowly and pointedly, one by one. She meant it. She wanted him to sit down.

Immediately, Oliver felt reminded of the bad feeling in the pit of his stomach. It had let go of him temporarily as he had been distracted by how miserable Felicity looked. His thumb was rubbing against the other fingertips nervously, considering to fight Felicity on her demand, but he walked around the couch and sat down there eventually.

Clearing his throat, Oliver rubbed his hands over his jeans to wipe the sweat from the palms of his hands. Was this the moment that Felicity told him that she was going to get married to Ray? If that was the case, he could at least say that her marriage with Ray was kind of ill-fated now. Who fell, that sick after being proposed to?

“Oliver,” Felicity said, loosening her hand from the door handle and straightening up as far as possible, “I’m sick.”

Oliver frowned, wondering why Felicity stated the obvious. There was no denying that she was sick. She looked like hell which still felt like an underestimation. Maybe she had suspected that he hadn’t really believed she was sick, and the thought made him feel guilty.

“I know,” Oliver replied hesitatingly, his frown deepening slightly, “which is why I am here. I can take care of you. I can make it comfortable for you here on the couch or in your bed and then I reheat you the soup and do whatever else you need to get better. I can also head to the pharmacy and-“

“But I am not going to get better, Oliver.”

Oliver chuckled. “Okay, I know it feels that way when you have a really bad cold, but I can promise you that you will get better with some time and a lot of sleep. And Raisa’s magic chicken soup.”

He looked at Felicity with conviction. She just had a cold which, of course, sucked big times and could feel like a life-threatening disease at times, but she was going to be fine. It would just take a little while. Every kid knew that a cold passed rather quickly.

The longer he looked at Felicity and had her looking back at him with the same conviction that he had in his eyes, the more he felt his own conviction wavering. Felicity seemed to mean it. It just didn’t make any sense. His skin tickled uncomfortably like a thousand needles were scratching over his skin and piercing through it from time to time. He felt every muscle in his body starting to tense.

“Felicity, it’s just a cold.”

With a long sigh, Felicity shook her head and left her spot at the door. She passed the distance to him. Her movements were slow and sluggish like it took Felicity a lot of effort to move. When she reached the couch, she almost dropped herself into the cushions next to him. Seeing her so close just proved once more how exhausted she looked.

Felicity put her cold, sweaty hand into his and looked at him with her soft eyes. She was smiling comfortingly now which felt surreal given how miserable she looked. He should be the one comforting her, telling her everything was going to be okay.

Oliver didn’t dare to speak. He could see in Felicity’s eyes that he didn’t want to hear whatever she had to tell him. He wouldn’t be able to live with it.

“Oliver, I have a malignant tumor in my brain,” she said almost a little cautiously like she knew that she had to be very gentle on him here, “a CNS tumor.”

Although Oliver nodded his head, he had no idea what Felicity was really talking about. CNS tumor? What was that? Was that something bad like some particularly aggressive kind of tumor? Should he know what that was?

Oliver just felt incredibly numb. He felt like he was caught in some weird dream that he couldn’t wake up from. No matter how firmly he was biting down on his tongue, unable to pinch himself with Felicity’s hands in his, he just didn’t wake up. He continued to be caught in this nightmare, helpless against living through this.

“I found out two weeks ago although I have suspected it for a little longer already. Since I have known, I have thought about how I should tell you about this. I mean I had a tumor like that in my childhood already,” Felicity continued just as slowly and as quietly as before, “but the treatment has been successful back then, so I have lived free of cancer for the past years. It’s different now, and it’s hard to find the right words to tell someone about this.”

Felicity had never told him that she had had cancer as a child. At least Oliver couldn’t remember about it. He would remember if she had told him though. He remembered that she had been chewing on a red pen when they had first met, so he’d remember such a big thing as cancer in her childhood.

It took a while, but finally the meaning of her words caught up to him. His brain might still have problems processing all of this, but it was holding on to every lifeline that it still had. The moment he would lose that final thread of hope, he’d be lost and drown. He knew that already, and he knew he wouldn’t survive.

“So there are treatments.”

His voice sounded hoarse and not at all like himself. It sounded as foreign to him as Oliver felt in his own body right now.

“Not really, no.” Felicity shook her head. “The five-year survival rate in kids with CNS tumors is sixty percent which sounds like a lot, but it really isn’t. I was lucky back then, but it’s different now. It’s an aggressive kind of tumor and the chances that I will heal completely are low. Treatment would probably just prolong the suffering.”

“But there is a chance that-“

“Oliver,” Felicity interrupted him, her voice soft despite its determination, “I won’t put myself through more pain and more misery than I absolutely have to. I am not going to take the last two, maybe three months that I have and waste them with time in the hospital. I won’t trade the months I have left to say goodbye to everything and everyone I hold dear to hold onto a hope that’s not really there.”

Although every single one of her words were echoing in her ears, the _two, maybe three months_ was particularly present in his mind. When people talked about being sick and suffering from cancer, they usually had months or even years before they died. Two, maybe three months was nothing. In the blink of an eye, Felicity would die.

None of this could be true. It was too cruel to be true. Oliver knew a lot about that and his experience alone should be enough to let him know that life wasn’t always fair. In the words of Miley Cyrus, sometimes life came in like a wrecking ball. At least that was what it felt like right now. For the past few years, he had built his life back up, building his own little palace that he liked to live in. Now Felicity’s news was tearing everything down. She was the foundation of everything, so taking that away was making everything fall apart.

“I used the last couple of days while I was processing this news for myself to find myself a place in a hospice,” Felicity continued eventually, “so I have a good place to stay for these last weeks because there will be deficit manifestations. I already have trouble with my left hand.”

Felicity lifted her hand to prove her point. Watching it, Oliver could see her middle finger and ring finger twitching indeed. Her entire hand was trembling too. The tumor must cause damage to her nerves and muscles it seemed.

A hospice. Oliver felt his stomach cramp. He remembered faintly that he had watched a documentary about a hospice once. He had been half-asleep already, so he couldn’t remember much. All he knew was that he hadn’t felt quite comfortable watching it. Sure, everyone involved in running that hospice had done their best to make the dying feel good. Still, it had felt incredibly wrong.

The thought that Felicity, his Felicity, would spend the rest of her life in a house full of dying people, waiting for and preparing to die, was unbearable. Oliver couldn’t picture her there. She needed to be somewhere that felt like home. She needed to be surrounded by people that made he feel loved when she-

Oliver couldn’t think that thought to an end. He wasn’t ready.

“What about Ray?”

As little as Oliver wanted to think about Ray, maybe he could offer a spark of hope. If he really cared about Felicity, he shouldn’t want her in a hospice either. Maybe if they supported each other here, they could at least stop Felicity from moving to a hospice. It would feel like giving up because you only went there when you didn’t want to fight and just waited for death to spread its wings upon you.

“Ray and I broke up.”

At any other time, Oliver would have danced at the news which meant a lot because he never danced. He hated dancing, and he sucked at it too. Today, he felt like it was taking away some of his chances of keeping Felicity in his life for longer.

“He broke up with you because you are sick?”

Maybe he had good reasons to hate Ray after all. Oliver himself didn’t know how to process Felicity’s news. He had no idea what to do now. Breaking up with her instead of being there for her just felt incredibly wrong. Anger spread inside of him, banishing the indescribable mess that was still keeping him in a choke hold otherwise. How could Ray do something like that?

“He didn’t break up with me because I am sick,” Felicity replied, shaking her head, “it had nothing to do with it. It just didn’t work anymore.”

Oliver wasn’t sure if he believed that, but he wasn’t sure of anything right now. Everything felt weird and just so unbelievably wrong. He felt like the floor was ripped away from under his feet, and now he was just falling into the void, into some black emptiness where there was no life. There was barely existence.

While Oliver had been growing up, he had always believed that nothing and nobody could hurt him. All his family’s money had always or at least mostly kept away most damage. If he had had troubles finding friends, he had used expensive stuff to make himself more interesting. If he should have been kicked out of school, his parents donated a lot of money, so that wouldn’t happen. If he had been arrested for the foolish things he had done, they had hired the best lawyer to keep his punishment easy. Money couldn’t help with this. Nothing could help with this.

The feeling in Oliver’s stomach tightened more and more. He could feel desperation kicking in at the thought of being unable to do anything while his best friend was dying. He couldn’t do that. He couldn’t just sit back and do nothing. He’d go crazy.

“There are specialists,” he said eventually, needing to say something, “and I will make sure that you see the best of doctors. My family has contacts all over the world. They know a lot of influential people and they will find someone who knows a way to heal this and for you to-“

“Oliver, I have been to a specialist,” Felicity said with a sad smile, shrugging her shoulders, “and there are no treatments that will heal this.”

What kind of specialist had she been to? Was he really a specialist? A luminary in this special kind of tumors?

Oliver doubted that a person like that could be found in Starling City. People like that worked in New York or Washington or somewhere in Europe or maybe even Asia. They didn’t waste their talent on Starling City.

“I wanted to talk to you before I tell your dad,” Felicity said after a while. “He has to know. He has to know that I won’t be there to take over Queen Consolidated one day. He should already look out for a new Junior CEO. I have a few people on my list that I think could be fit to replace me, but they need time to learn the ropes like I would have needed time for that. He needs to hire someone new as soon as possible, so-“

Felicity stopped when Oliver got up abruptly and started pacing up and down in the room. The longer she had been going on about the company and how she needed to be replaced there like it was nothing, the more restless Oliver had started feeling.

Did Felicity honestly think that she was replaceable for anyone around here? Because that was clearly not the case!

His father needed her in the company. Since Oliver had made clear that he would never take over as CEO of Queen Consolidated, Robert had been searching for someone to take over the company once he wanted to leave. With Felicity, he had finally found someone that he trusted with his company. Dozens of applicants had failed to win his trust before. With Felicity, he had said that it was the first time he didn’t fear for his company upon leaving.

Oliver shook his head. Who the hell even cared about that freaking company? Nobody!

Felicity was irreplaceable in every aspect of Oliver’s life. He needed her. He had barely made it through the last couple of years if it hadn’t been for her. She had been his most important support, the one person he had been able to lean on and talk to. She was the person who knew him better than anyone, the one who knew his darkest and his brightest sides. She was the most important person in his life. His life was everything with her in it, and it was nothing without her.

Stopping in the middle of the room, Oliver turned around to Felicity slowly. She had gotten up too, standing in front of the couch with her arms wrapped around her body tightly. She looked like she was holding herself, scared to fall apart.

For the first time really, Oliver wondered how Felicity was feeling with all of this. She had looked and sounded quite composed when she had been telling him all of that. He just couldn’t tell if that was real or if she was just trying to stay strong because she knew that he’d break down the moments she wouldn’t be able to keep it together anymore.

How had she reacted when she had been told that she had just a couple of months to live? Had she been scared? Desperate? Angry? Had she thrown stuff around in a need to destroy whatever she got into her hands like Oliver felt the need to do now? Had she locked herself in for the last two weeks to cry her eyes out and make peace with this news all by herself before she had opened up to him or anyone else? Had she longed to have someone to talk to but decided that it was safer to keep it to herself because she had been scared that she would have to comfort him if she told him? Like she had basically comforted him since he had stepped into her home today?

With two long steps, Oliver passed the distance to Felicity. He wrapped his arms around her tightly, pulling her impossibly close. One of his hands rested against the back of her head. His fingers stroked over her hair gently. His lips placed a firm kiss against the shell of her ear.

Felicity was the most precious thing he had in his life, the one person he needed most. He couldn’t lose her. He wouldn’t survive.

Oliver felt his throat burning. His chest felt tightened, almost making it impossible to breathe. He felt everything and nothing at the same time. Breathing felt like it was suffocating him which didn’t make any sense, but it was what he was feeling.

He didn’t want to be here. He wanted to run. He wanted to go home and tear his bedroom into pieces. He wanted to punch whatever and whoever came in his way. He wanted to feel the pain in his knuckles when the skin ripped. He wanted it to overshadow everything else he was feeling.

He couldn’t possibly leave though. He couldn’t leave Felicity alone. It wouldn’t be fair to her. In the last few years, she had always been with him. She had always been his rock, his lifeline. He had to do the same for her although he felt like he was in no position to do so right now. He was too shaken by all of this. He would just make her comfort him instead.

His arms tightened around Felicity for a moment before he pulled back and looked at her. He was sure that his gaze was enough to make Felicity know everything he was thinking and feeling right now. She had always been able to read him so easily, compensating his lack of finding the right words to say what he was thinking and feeling. If it wasn’t for her talent of understanding him even when he didn’t say a word, Oliver was sure that they wouldn’t be the friends they were today.

Felicity put her hands to his cheek, and Oliver leaned his face into her touch immediately. He closed his eyes for a moment and angled his head, so he could push his nose against her wrist. He could feel her pulse point, and it allowed him to smell her scent all the better.

Oliver wished he could get lost in, this moment. Having his eyes closed and just smelling the scent of Felicity’s skin was all he wanted and needed right now. It allowed him to forget this new reality and pretend that it was all going to be okay. He could imagine that it was just him and Felicity like it always had been and always should be.

When he opened his eyes, his gaze locked with Felicity’s. She was smiling softly though it didn’t completely reach her eyes. There was a glimpse of tears in her eyes, and it made Oliver’s stomach twist painfully. He hated that he didn’t have the strength to take away her pain. He hated himself for it, and he was so very ashamed of it.

“It’s okay,” she whispered, moving her fingers through his short stubble, “I needed time to process this too. You can take your time to process this too. I know it’s a lot.”

Oliver opened his mouth to say something. He wanted to apologize for not being strong enough. He wanted to tell her that all he needed were twenty-four hours, so he could process this himself, before he’d be there for her. He wanted to tell her that everything was going to be okay and that he would support her and stand by her through anything.

He was just unable to say anything, especially as he wasn’t sure that all of this was true. He wasn’t sure that all he needed were twenty-four hours to think everything through before he got a grip of himself. He was losing a person he loved, someone he held very dear, for the second time in his life. How was he going to cope with that? Ever?

“I’m sorry.”

He whispered the words to quietly that they were barely audible. Lifting his hands to Felicity’s against his cheek, he squeezed her fingers gently for a moment. He kissed the palm of her hand then before he lowered her fingers and let go of them. Slowly, he took the first step back, looking at Felicity’s face that showed nothing but understanding for his decision. Then he turned around and walked away.

With every step he took, Oliver hated himself just a little bit more. He hated being so weak that he put himself over Felicity. He hated that he was running again, something he had used to do for a long time. He hated everything about himself and everything about life as a whole.

As soon as the door fell shut behind him, Oliver screamed. It was one desperate sound that fell from his lips, filling the air. People in the houses next door were probably looking out of the window to see what crazy guy was causing this noise and whether or not they should call the police. Oliver didn’t care. He couldn’t bring himself to care.

Five years ago, life had ripped his sister away from him. Thea’s death had almost killed him. If it hadn’t been for Felicity, it certainly would have. He would have gotten drunk every night, maybe tried some drugs. He would have chased around on his motorcycle, taking all the risks possible to forget his pain, until it would have finally killed him.

Felicity had been his rock though. She had been there, talking him out of the bad decisions he might have made without her. She had been there for him and his parents day in and day out, offering help in all ways she could have. She had brought joy into their lives even at the darkest of times. She had helped all of them to go on.

Now he couldn’t do the same for her, and it was simply killing him.

Oliver had no idea how he made it home. It felt like one moment he was screaming in front of Felicity’s townhouse, while he was already back at Queen Manor the next. Walking through the door of his home, he couldn’t even say if he had run all the way as his racing heart and quick breath made it look or if he had taken his car. He really couldn’t remember.

He passed the foyer, heading right for the stairs. He kept his eyes lowered, trying to shut out everything and everyone around him. He didn’t want to talk. He wasn’t ready to tell anyone about this. He doubted that he could even get the words out.

“Oliver?”

Oliver felt his heart jump into his throat before it started racing in his chest. He balled his hands to fists, pushing his fingernails into his skin deeply. The physical pain made him suck in a deep breath and let him regain some control about himself. This wasn’t his secret to tell.

“Yes?”

Oliver turned around to where his parents were standing, looking at the collection of photos they had put on the table in the middle of the foyer. Sometimes, when they were feeling so very nostalgic, they looked at these old photos. Sometimes, it made them sad. Other times, it made them appreciate what they had all the more.

Although Oliver had no idea what he looked like, he knew that he must look miserable if he only looked half as terrible as he felt. The expression in his parents’ eyes told him that they didn’t miss that there was something wrong with him.

“Oliver.”

Worry was so very audible in his mother’s voice that he knew he couldn’t just steal himself upstairs into his room. His mother would come after him to check on him. She would have to make sure that he was okay because she had failed to see how miserable her daughter had been when she had still been alive.

Shooting her husband a brief glance, she passed the distance towards Oliver. Her hands reached out for his face, wanting to cup it like Felicity had before, but Oliver couldn’t have that. He moved back instantly, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants and hunching his shoulders. He couldn’t be touched right now, or he’d probably lose it completely.

“What is wrong, honey?”

Oliver felt his throat growing shut once more. He couldn’t tell his parents about this because it was Felicity’s secret to tell. She was the one who had to tell them. He couldn’t go ahead and take that from her.

“You ate something Felicity cooked, right?” Robert shook his head with a chuckle. “Felicity’s got a lot of talents, but cooking is really not one of those.”

“Maybe we should ask Raisa to cook her special chicken soup for you know,” his mother added with a pitiful smile, “because we all know the terrible stomach cramps you get when you eat some of Felicity’s cooking.”

Robert smiled. “Do you remember how she tried to cook for all of us when Raisa was sick the month after Thea died?”

“Oh, yes.” Moira chuckled. “We all did our best to swallow it down, but it was so hard. I mean I am the kind of mother that even pretended to eat her children’s sand pies, but I am sure those would have been better than her cooking.”

“But she was so proud,” Robert said, “because she really thought that she had finally managed to cook her first meal.”

“Until she tried the first bite of it.”

“Oh, god, I will never forget her face and-“

“Felicity is going to die.”

The words just blurted out of Oliver. As much as he had tried to bite them back, he hadn’t been able to do so. His parents talking about Felicity just made him realize that soon they would be talking about her the way they talked about Thea now. They’d talk about her like she was gone which she would be rather sooner than later.

How was he supposed to cope with any of that?

Looking at his parents faces now, he regretted not having more control on his tongue. The way they looked at him was worse than he had imagined. The news was just as shocking to them as they had been to him. They loved Felicity like she was an actual part of the family after all. He shouldn’t have ambushed them with this like he had.

“Wh- what?” Moira asked, shooting a brief look back at her husband. “Oliver, what are you talking about?”

His mother was just as lost as he was. She was just as shocked as he was. The expression in her eyes told Oliver that she didn’t know how to deal with this. She was struggling to process this just like Oliver still was and he had had some time to let the news sink in now. At least he had had more time than his mother had now.

“Felicity has a brain tumor,” Oliver said, his voice sounding like it was the one of a stranger, “which it seems she had had in her childhood already. The doctors say that there is no way to stop the tumor from growing. Her death can only be stalled, not prevented which is why she won’t try treatment. She will move into a hospice soon. She already made peace with it.”

“What doctor has she been to?” Robert asked immediately, straightening his shoulders as he approached Oliver. “I have contact with a specialist in neurosurgery and oncology. There is still hope.”

“And what do you mean she had a tumor as a child?” Moira asked. “Did you know about that?”

“Is that what her mother died of too?” Robert frowned. “She died from cancer, right?”

“Why a hospice and why so soon?”

“What is her current condition? Does she need help with anything? Should she even be alone?”

“Maybe we should-“

His parents bombarded him with questions. They wanted to know how Felicity was doing now. They wanted to know how she had made it the last time she had had cancer. They wanted to know what exactly she had planned for the future. They wanted to hold onto the thought that maybe there was a little bit of hope left.

Oliver hadn’t been able to comfort Felicity although she had really needed it. He was even less able to comfort his parents.

“I- I can’t talk about this.” He shook his head vehemently. “I have to go.”

He wanted to run as fast as he could and as far away as he could. He wanted to run until his legs gave out from under him and his lungs were burning from the effort of trying to get some oxygen into his cells. His heart would give out, and he’d just pass out from exhaustion right there.

Lifting his hands in front of himself rejectingly, Oliver took the first couple of steps backwards. When his heels hit the edge of the stairs, he turned around. He took two steps at a time, wanting to get away as fast as possible.

Upstairs, he almost ran into his room. He closed the door behind him and locked it. He doubted that his parents would follow him, but he wanted to make sure that he’d stay alone. He needed time alone. And he needed air.

With large steps, Oliver crossed the room. He pulled the doors to the wide balcony open and stepped outside. Unable to stand still, he paced up and down there. He tried to take in deep breaths and slow down the wild rhythm of his heartbeat.

The warm sun of mid-August was blazing down on him. Oliver took out of his leather jacket and tossed it down the balcony carelessly. The sun touched his skin and seemed to burn into it. It was sticky and muggy. The fresh air didn’t feel fresh. It felt used up, and it didn’t help him to clear his head at all.

Oliver left the balcony with just as fast steps as he had gotten onto it. He almost ran against his door as he had already forgotten that he had locked it. It angered him and made him slam the door shut behind him.

In the gym room that he used almost exclusively, he turned right to the punching bag. He ignored the boxing gloves that he usually wore and just attacked the sandbag with his bare hands. He punched it restlessly, again and again and again.

Oliver didn’t know how long he hammed onto it. He expected his arms, shoulders and back to ache from exhaustion eventually, but that didn’t happen. His desperation seemed to feed his muscles with quite some energy. It not only allowed him but it even forced him to keep punching the sandbag. His knuckles were already bloody and swollen, but he continued punching nonetheless. He didn’t even feel the pain.

When Felicity died, this punching bag was all he had left. It was everything he had to process things. It would have to help him get through his darkest days. Oliver doubted that it would even be able to do a split of what Felicity did for him on a daily basis.

Losing her, he realized, would make him need her all the more.

Oliver her a low sound behind him, slow steps and the clearance of a voice. He didn’t have to look back to know who it was. Still, he shot a brief look at John Diggle, head of his family’s security staff and a good friend of his, but he could barely see the outlines of his body. His sweat was dropping into his eyes and blocking his view.

Oliver angled his head to the side to wipe his sweaty face on the sleeve of his shirt. It allowed him to see John walking around him towards the opposite wall. He leaned against it, crossing his arms in front of his chest, and looking at him with his warm, calm eyes. He didn’t say a word.

For a long time, Oliver ignored that he was there. He knew that John was the closest friend he had after Felicity. He could talk to him about what had happened, and he could trust John to find the right words that would help Oliver to see things a little bit clearer. Oliver just wasn’t ready to see things clearly yet. He wasn’t ready to process anything. He was still in shock.

As John continued watching him, Oliver couldn’t stay silent any longer.

“What?” he asked.

He knew it was stupid. His parents might have known that it was better not to talk to him right now, but they had certainly made sure that someone would talk to him about this news. They knew how close he and Felicity were and how this news must devastate him.

“Your parents told me what happened.”

It was all John said. He fell silent after that, just waiting for Oliver to say something. From the corner of his eye, Oliver could see John playing with a cooling pack in his hands. He guessed that John had known in what condition he’d find Oliver here. It just wasn’t a secret to anyone how much Felicity meant to him.

With one last and particularly hard punch, Oliver turned around to John and looked at him. Oliver opened his mouth to say something, but the words got stuck in his throat. There were just no words that could encompass how terrible he was feeling at the prospect of the next couple of months.

“Why Felicity?” he asked eventually, and his desperation was unable to miss in his voice. “Of all the people out there, why does it have to be her?”

Of course Oliver knew it wasn’t fair. If it had been anyone else, there were other people losing that person. No matter who fell sick, there were always people that suffered with them and there were always people that were left to mourn.

It was just that Felicity was such a wonderful person. She was full of light, and she brought so much happiness with her. She was just one of those rare people that were so pure. There was no falsity in her. She didn’t envy people. She didn’t hold grudges. She didn’t want anyone to suffer. She simply wanted to be happy and wanted other people to be happy too. It was inspiring.

“It’s not fair,” John agreed, nodding his head, “the world will be a darker place without her.”

Although John didn’t show it as much as Robert and Moira had before, Oliver could see that this news wasn’t easy on John either. He knew Felicity, and he liked her. They were all friends.

“After Thea died,” Oliver whispered, “she was my rock. She was the one I could lean on. She was the one I could talk to, the one I could count on. Always.”

Oliver knew that it was unnecessary to tell John about that. He had been here the entire time too, doing his best to support the family. He had seen the toll Thea’s death had taken on everyone, and he had helped the Queens through this hard time alongside Felicity.

“I can’t lose her, John.”

When Oliver suddenly felt tears welling in his eyes, he wiped the balls of his hands over them to wipe the tears away. He hadn’t cried since Thea had died.

John stepped closer to him slowly and held the cooling pack out to him. Oliver hesitated, but he grabbed it and put it to his bruised knuckles eventually. He might not be feeling any pain now, but that might change within the next hours or days.

“If this should tell you anything,” John said, “it’s that you cannot lose more time.”

Oliver lifted his gaze from the knuckles of his hands to John’s face. The expression in his eyes was meaningful. He wasn’t just referring to the little time he had left to be the best friend Felicity could possibly have and to give her back for everything she had done for him in the past five years. He was referring to something else.

Swallowing down hard, Oliver looked down at his feet. He knew exactly that John was referring to. It was something he had told him five years ago, but that had kind of gotten lost in all the twist and turns Oliver’s life had taken since then.

“It’s not the right time, John,” Oliver whispered, shaking his head as he looked back at his friend again. “Not now.”

Oliver knew what John would say even before a single syllable fell from his lips. He could see in his eyes that John wouldn’t agree with him. Not this time. He rarely ever did though. He disagreed with Oliver most times on almost everything.

This time, for once, Oliver was sure that he was right though. Felicity was terminally ill. She had bigger problems now. She had to focus all her energy on herself and on her health.

“It’s never the right time.” John sighed. “You wanted to tell Felicity that you loved her. Then Thea died, and you, understandably, lost focus of that. At least at first. Ever since, you always found excuses why you couldn’t tell her. It’s been five years, man. She should know.”

Oliver rubbed his hands over his face firmly. When his fingers moved into his hair, his fingernails scratched over his scalp almost violently.

Five years ago, he had found the courage to finally tell Felicity what he was really feeling for her. He had asked her to see him that night, and he had already been on his way towards her when his mother had called him to tell him that Thea had been involved in a terrible car crash. Instead of spending a romantic night with Felicity, he had been sitting on a hard plastic chair in the waiting room of Starling General, waiting for the doctor to tell him that Thea hadn’t made it through the surgery. Felicity had been there with him, and she had held him when his grief had turned his entire world upside down.

Ever since that night, he had had a thousand opportunities to tell her that he loved her. He had just never done so for whatever reason.

“Felicity’s going to die, John,” Oliver whispered, shaking his head, “so what good could this be now? Felicity needs to focus on getting better now.”

Again, John didn’t have to say a word for Oliver to know what he was thinking. He didn’t believe that Felicity was ever going to get better. He had already accepted what got Oliver still in denial.

No matter how much John believed that Felicity wasn’t going to be alright and the little time they had left should be spent without any secrets between them, Oliver knew better than that. He had to be her rock now like she had been for him for the past years. She could only really lean on him if she didn’t know how he really felt about her. She wouldn’t be able to let herself fall around him if she knew how he felt.

“I won’t tell her,” Oliver said, tossing the cooling pack to the edge of the room, “and neither will you. Felicity doesn’t have to know that. She has more important things to do now.”

With that, Oliver turned back to the sandbag and started working it once more. He needed to get rid of this energy, so he could clear his head and make a plan to help Felicity through it and save her life just like she had saved his before.


	2. Confusion

Those few times that Felicity had treated herself with a vacation in some nice hotel, she had always made the best of the inclusive breakfast deal. Sometimes, she had even ordered three different breakfast menus to eat in bed. A day only started right if there was a good breakfast. It needed something hefty and something healthy, and it needed something for the sweet tooth, something to tread herself.

Since her appetite hadn’t been the best lately, Felicity had figured that she had to stimulate it a little. That was why she had called that new café that had opened downtown a couple of weeks ago and had ordered five different international breakfasts. Plates with apple pancakes by an original recipe from the Netherlands, French croissants with three different kinds of marmalade, sweet and spice pork inspired by a Thai dish, saltenas filled with vegetables as served in Bolivia and Scottish haggis with fat-fried eggs were all spread on the kitchen counter. They smelled deliciously, or at least Felicity guessed that it would be delicious. The lack of appetite caused her to only feel nauseated though.

With a long sigh, Felicity put her fork down and lowered her face into her palms. The queasy feeling in the pit of her stomach was accompanied by a terrible headache. She had suffered from it for hours now as it had started yesterday when she had started packing some of her stuff. She was lacking energy, causing her legs to feel heavy and her muscles to grow sore quickly. Packing her stuff and moving out of her townhouse would take incredibly long like that because she knew that she could only use like twenty minutes every other hour to pack. Being on her legs for too long was hard, and she had to spare her energy as long as she was still living here without any help.

Felicity looked at her fingers that were still twitching. Still twitching, she thought with a shake of her head. She guessed she could be lucky that they were still twitching. Sooner or later, she would lose all sensation in her arm, and she wouldn’t be able to move it either. The same would happen to her other arm and her legs. She’d lose all control over her body. Her nerves would give out completely. For her own sake, Felicity just hoped that her breathing gave out sooner rather than later.

When Felicity had cancer the first time, she had been so exhausting. Some days had been so bad that she hadn’t even made it out of bed. Her mother had needed to help her to turn around in bed to find a different position to sleep. She couldn’t even say if it had been the cancer itself or the therapy that had made her that tired. Maybe it was both. She really couldn’t say.

The news of being sick again hadn’t really shocked her which she knew sounded terrible, but there had been a part of her growing up that had always known that it was going to come back sooner or later. She had always felt like the cancer was still with her, dangling over her like some sword of Damocles that threatened to fall down onto her anytime.

It wasn’t hard to come to terms with being sick and make peace with the fact that she was going to die soon. It was telling the people closest to her, the people she loved and wanted to protect from any heartbreak, that was so hard.

The way Oliver had looked at her after she had talked to him yesterday had been more a punch in the stomach than the actual confirmation of cancer had been. He had just looked so lost. He looked like she had ripped the floor out from under his feet and shoved him into some black hole where he was just falling and falling without any stop.

A knock at the door made her twitch slightly before she released a breath of relief. She guessed every distraction, as short as it might be, was good for her right now. If she thought too long about how Oliver was feeling and how he was processing this news, she’d only call him or go to him, and she couldn’t do that. Oliver needed time to process this, and she wanted to give that to him.

“Coming!”

Felicity tried to slip off the stool and hurry towards the door, but there was nothing that worked as quickly as it had before. There was no hurrying anymore, and there was no quickly anymore. Everything took its time now, and she had to live with that somehow, she guessed.

The inability to do anything at her usual speed – may it be moving or talking or even thinking – was what had tipped her off onto realizing that something was wrong. She had been at work two weeks ago when she had gotten a call that the Department for Applied Science had reached a breakthrough. Usually, she would have jumped from her chair and even taken the stairs all the way down to the department. Instead, she had found herself troubling to get out of the chair. Once she had managed to stand on her feet, she hadn’t been able to hop around as happily as she usually did. She had barely managed to lift her feet.

The truth with cancer was that, although everything was taking a sharp way down, some days were better and some days were worse. Today was probably a three on the scale of bad days. A five had been the worst so far. It probably wasn’t going to take too long until she would reach a nine. A nine was bad, but it was still bearable somehow, at least for a short time. It was the ten that Felicity feared because the ten was so bad that you wanted to die.

What Felicity hated even more than her inability to move quickly or to talk as fast as her tongue wanted to was her inability to think as fast as she usually did. A lot of times now, she found herself troubling to even follow the simplest plot of TV shows. Her brain had always been the very thing she had been proud about, and now it seemed to be her downfall.

By the time Felicity reached the door, she felt out of breath and exhausted. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath to catch her breath a little. Straightening her shoulders, she opened the door then.

“Hello, Felicity.”

Quickly, Felicity straightened up even more despite the pain it caused in her back. She grabbed the lapels of the morning robe she had put on after waking up and wished that she had invested the little energy she had to put on some real clothes. It would certainly make this situation certainly a lot easier.

“Moira,” she said with surprise, “and Robert.”

Moira and Robert always looked like a power couple. Even today, that they weren’t dressed up as much as they often were when Felicity saw them together during any official occasions related to Queen Consolidated, they looked like a power couple. There was just something in the way Robert stood half next and half behind his wife, the color of shirt matching the dress Moira was wearing, that made everyone see how perfectly powerful they were together.

“I had no idea you would be coming by,” Felicity said, feeling her heart starting to race and her cheeks turning red in a deep blush, “otherwise I would have cleaned the house or gotten dressed.”

Felicity looked down on her barely covered legs and the thin fabric of the morning robe. Some stains of fat and other food that had dropped onto the fabric were showing. She didn’t usually mind looking not that perfectly dressed. Compared to Moira and Robert, who always looked like they had just been styled for two or three hours, she just felt that she looked incredibly shabby, and she really hated that feeling.

“Don’t worry about that,” Moira said, lifting a hand, “we would never judge you or anyone for not being dressed on a Sunday morning.”

“We have a son, who doesn’t get dressed before noon, no matter the day.”

Felicity chuckled, knowing it was true. As the owner of some nightclubs, Oliver’s working hours were usually quite late. He spent most of the day in bed and only got up in the early afternoon. Even when he did, he didn’t get dressed immediately. Instead, he ran around the Queen Manor in boxer briefs and a shirt though the shirt was basically an extra only on some days.

All the times that Felicity had slept at the Queen Manor, Robert and Moira had been perfectly dressed. No matter the time, they had always looked flawless. Even in their own home, they always seemed to look like they expected some important visitors. Felicity had no idea how they did it, but they really did.

Looking in their smiling faces now, Felicity did notice a little flaw after all though. Something was disturbing the perfect image she had of the couple. It took her a moment before she realized it, but their smiles weren’t reaching their eyes. There was a sadness there that was usually hidden beneath the surface, always there, but never really visible. At least most people wouldn’t see it.

“You know.”

It wasn’t a question because there was no doubt about it. Felicity could see in their eyes that they knew that she was sick. There was grief there because, unlike their son, they seemed to have reached acceptance already. It was impressive, but Felicity guessed it just showed everything they had been through already.

Moira took a step forward and hugged Felicity closely. Her arms wrapped around her shoulders and her hand stroked over Felicity’s hair lovingly. Felicity had never really considered Moira the motherly woman which wasn’t really fair to her because she had certainly done a great job raising Oliver. He was such a wonderful man.

When Moira pulled back, she brushed a gentle kiss to Felicity’s cheek. She put her hands to Felicity’s shoulders then and smiled at her softly.

Felicity couldn’t say why, but she wasn’t able to hold Moira’s gaze for much longer. She looked at Robert. He had been standing there with his hands pushed into the pockets of his coat the entire time, not saying anything. Felicity had felt his gaze on her skin though. It had been impossible to miss it.

“I am sorry,” Felicity whispered, looking at him, “I know that you put a lot of hope in me, but I guess I won’t be able to do all the stuff that you envisioned me to do and-“

Robert shook his head and lifted his hand like Moira had done before. He opened his mouth to say something, but the words seemed to get stuck in his throat. He released some kind of helpless burble before he looked at his wife, seeking her help.

“There is no apology needed,” Moira told her, moving her hands down Felicity’s arms to squeeze her fingers, “and we didn’t come here today to talk about the company or any of that.”

“Oh.”

Felicity couldn’t hide her surprise as she had been sure that that had been exactly what they had come here for today. The company was very important to them which didn’t come as a surprise. After all, they had invested so much money, time and heart into this company, and it also carried their family’s name, so it was a big thing.

Massaging the back of her neck nervously, Felicity looked back over her shoulder. All that breakfast was still spread on the kitchen island. The entire living area probably smelled of all the different foods, causing it to stink terribly. Her townhouse hadn’t experienced a gush of fresh air in the last two weeks. She hadn’t cleaned up or even put away the dirty dishes since that either.

“Well, come in.”

Felicity didn’t just step aside and let them in while she was holding the door open for them like she would usually do. Instead, she gritted her teeth and took a couple of steps towards the couch table. As quickly as her current state allowed it, Felicity grabbed all the glasses, plates and cartons of takeaway.

“Please sit down, I will just-“

“You really don’t have to do that, Honey,” Moira said, but she took the offered seat on the couch, “we don’t want to be an inconvenience.”

Felicity shot her a quick smile before she dropped everything that she had been carrying into the kitchen sink. She was sure that some of the porcelain and glass she had dropped there shattered into pieces. Felicity didn’t care. She wouldn’t need any of that stuff much longer anyway.

“Can I offer any of you anything?” Felicity asked, turning around to them. “Like coffee or tea or maybe water?”

“No, no,” Moira replied, shaking her head, and patted the empty spot on the couch next to her, “just come here please.”

Felicity hesitated, looking back and forth between Moira on the couch and Robert in that single armchair that was placed on the other side of the table. They both looked friendly and comforting. They looked like parents who wanted to sit their child down to talk to them about what they were planning on doing with their life. They wanted to do so because they were really interested, not because they wanted to judge.

Taking in a deep breath, Felicity crossed the distance towards the couch and sat down there next to Moira. She made sure that there was still some distance between them though. She didn’t even feel dressed well enough to sit close to Moira Queen.

Moira smiled at her comfortingly. Felicity could see that she had to say something, but she was also sure that Moira didn’t know how to say it. She looked away from Felicity briefly, only to look at Felicity for a short moment before she turned her head once more. A small smile spread on her lips and, when Felicity followed her gaze, she saw that she was looking at the pot of soup Oliver had brought her yesterday.

“Raisa’s special chicken soup.” She turned her eyes back at Felicity with a smile. “Did it help?”

“It probably would if I had tried it,” Felicity replied, fumbling with her fingers in her lap. “It’s just that I have trouble eating. I mean I can’t really keep anything inside for longer than an hour and- sorry.”

Felicity felt another blush spreading on her cheeks, and she quickly lowered her gaze. The list of mistakes she made during the first and only visit of the Queens in her home was probably growing even longer by each minute that passed. She seemed to be particularly silly today of all days.

“Oh, I have raised two children,” Moira said, “I know a lot about puke, trust me.”

Lifting her gaze to Moira, Felicity found the Queen woman smiling at her softly. Although Felicity had barely ever seen Moira anything but friendly, she had always been quite strict. Today, there was nothing of that strictness visible though. There was a warmth coming from her that made Felicity feel better despite the messy circumstances surrounding their meeting here.

Felicity had seen Moira when she had been the most vulnerable. She had been there with the Queens when they had learned that Thea hadn’t made it through surgery, and she had spent them some company in the dark and lonely time that had followed for them. She knew that she could be herself around Moira, even now that she was sick.

“How did Oliver take it?” Felicity asked eventually. “Is he okay?”

Moira shot a look at Robert, who leaned forward with a sigh and rested his elbows on his knees. He looked tired and exhausted. He probably hadn’t slept much last night which told Felicity everything she needed to know. She knew that, when Oliver was suffering, he was turning up the music as loud as possible and exhaust himself physically in the gym at Queen Manor.

There was a reason he had chosen to build a nightclub after he had lost Thea. It had helped him cope because it had brought some distraction, and it had allowed him to listen to loud music without getting into fights with his family for keeping them awake all night.

Oliver had been devastated after he had lost Thea. Although his little sister had been quite a long younger than him, they had been very close. Born into a high society family hadn’t always made for the easiest life, he had told her once, so they had leaned on each other as much as possible.

After her death, Oliver had started leaning on her Felicity instead because she was probably the closest thing to a sister he had. Now he was losing her too.

“It’s hard on him,” Robert said, “but he will come around eventually. I think he needs some time for himself, but he will be back and support you through everything that’s ahead of you now. He knows how much you need him in this… situation.”

Situation. The word echoed through Felicity’s head. She really had quite the situation here.

“John has talked to him,” Moira added after a moment, “and he is watching over him and making sure that Oliver doesn’t do anything stupid.”

Felicity nodded slowly, knowing exactly what Moira meant. After Thea’s death, Oliver had lost himself so much that, at times, he had gotten onto his motorcycle and chased through dangerous streets with high speed. It had been like he had wanted to kill himself.

It hadn’t been until he had almost lost control of the motorcycle while she had been riding on the back of it with her arms wrapped around his torso tightly that he had finally admitted that he was doing it on purpose. He needed that rush of adrenaline. He needed to get himself into danger. A little part of him had just had trouble understanding why Thea had died in a car crash when he was breaking speed limits and jumping red lights. It hadn’t been fair.

The truth was that Oliver had always reacted strongly to heartbreak and loss. He was a man that acted on emotions a lot of times even if he didn’t want to regret it. With his height and his muscles he looked strong, but he was quite vulnerable on the inside, not that he would ever admit that.

“I am really sorry for letting him down,” Felicity whispered, apologizing once more although she already knew that Robert and Moira wouldn’t want to hear any of that, “because I know how heartbreaking this will be for him and-“

“Honey, you don’t have to apologize.”

Moira took Felicity’s hand and squeezed it comfortingly. Instead of letting it go after that, she held it between her fingers and rubbed her thumb over the back of Felicity’s hand almost soothingly.

“You are not letting him or us down,” Robert added softly, the way a father would talk to his daughter when he assured her that there were no monsters under the bed after she had woken up from a nightmare, “you could never let us down.”

Felicity wasn’t sure if that was true. It felt different to her. She felt like she was letting them down, and it didn’t matter that it was a serious disease that prompted her to do it. It just felt like this. She couldn’t help it.

Moira seemed to sense that Felicity wasn’t convinced. She moved closer towards Felicity, wrapping an arm around her back and pulling her closer.

“Felicity, you have helped our family through the hardest time we had.”

Her voice trembled slightly. She didn’t even have to say her daughter’s name or say that she was dead. Just thinking about the fact that she had lost one of her children was enough to cause her physical and emotional pain. How could it be any different? Losing a child was against nature. It was not how the circle of life was supposed to work.

“You have been a rock for Oliver as well as for Robert and me,” Moira continued, “and you have become part of our family. We lost a daughter that night, but we also gained one.”

Moira’s words touched Felicity. Since she had lost her mother years ago, Felicity didn’t have a family. She had been like a one-person-family. With the Queens, she felt like she had found a new home though, people who cared about her and that she cared about in return. Having Moira confirm that she felt the same way just meant a lot to Felicity.

“You are a part of our family,” Robert confirmed with a slow nod of his head, “and in families people watch out for each other and take care of each other, especially when one of them is in need of help.”

Felicity shot Robert a brief glance before she looked back at Moira.

“Oliver told us that you want to go into a hospice.”

Felicity nodded her head. “Yeah. I mean… I don’t know where else to go. I can’t stay here, not alone. It still works now, but it won’t stay like this for much longer. I don’t want to burden anyone with the task to care for me and the hospices are good as far as I have heard. I think it’s the right step. It will be a good home with professional people to take care of me when I can’t do it anymore.”

Swallowing down hard, Felicity looked from Moira to Robert and back at Moira again.

“I don’t know, but I really think that the tumor must have taken your mind,” Robert said, cocking his head, “because that is not going to happen.”

Felicity already opened her mouth to say something, but Moira squeezed her hands and shot her husband a strict glance. Apparently, she wasn’t too happy with his choice of words. Whatever they were trying to tell her, she felt that she could say it better.

“Felicity,” she said and the tone of her voice already sounded more meaningful than it had before, “you were wondering who was taking care of you now and where your home is going to be. You might have find the answers to that already, but we want to offer-“

“-and when she says offer she means that we have already decided not to take no for an answer,“ Robert interrupted his wife, “just so you know-“

“you a different option,” Moira continued, only shooting her husband a brief glance that was as strict as it was amused, “because for us, it’s clear that your home is going to be with us from now on, and the people who will take care of you are going to be us too.”

To say Felicity was baffled by this would be an underestimation. She had expected a lot of things, but she hadn’t thought that they would offer this. She would have understood if they had offered to pay for her townhouse and maybe hire a nurse, but taking her home with them and watching her die was something completely different.

“Look, this is really nice of you,” Felicity said, “but this is going to get ugly pretty quickly. Having someone in your house who is going to die is not a cakewalk and-“

“Neither is spending time with three people who have just lost part of their family,” Robert interrupted her, “and yet you have been with us every single day and tried to cheer us up or to just give us a little more hope on life.”

“If you feel like you owe me anything, I can promise that-“

“It’s not that,” Moira replied with a shake of her head, “it’s like I said before. You are part of our family, and we take care of our family. If you feel better about it, we will hire a nurse that will take care of you, but you will live with us. We don’t want you to be at a foreign place, surrounded by strangers.”

Felicity felt her throat growing shut, overwhelmed by her emotions. It was sweet of them to offer this, but Felicity couldn’t possibly take this. It was too much, and it would only make this a lot harder for Oliver and his parents to cope with her death. They just didn’t see that yet.

“Before you say anything,” Moira hurried to say when Felicity opened her mouth, “let me remind you that I raised two kids, and you know who stubborn Oliver is. He is definitely taking after me in that, only that he is a very light version of me.”

Felicity looked at Robert, who nodded his head in agreement. They would let her argue with them about this. They had already made their decision and nothing would change their mind.

Well, Felicity was sure that if she insisted, they wouldn’t force her to live with them. They just knew that, deep down, Felicity would prefer spending her last months alive surrounded by people she loved instead of strangers. She was just fighting their suggestion because she wanted to protect them, even if that meant that she had to relinquish a better place to spend the next few weeks, the last weeks of her life.

If Moira and Robert wanted this so much, did she even have a right to say no for their own protection? Felicity doubted it.

“Does Oliver know about this?” she asked cautiously because she knew that this should be as much his decision as his parents’. “Does he know that you are here and offering this to me?”

“Not yet,” Moira said softly, “because we wanted to talk to you first.”

“Oliver won’t mind this though,” Robert added, “I think he will appreciate the time he gets to spend with you.”

Felicity wasn’t sure that was true. Oliver might think that he would appreciate it, but it wasn’t like this was going to be fun. Felicity remembered how her grandmother had moved in with them when she had been diagnosed with dementia, and it had been so hard to see someone you love turning unrecognizable. She had seen her grandmother breaking at the disease, making everything she had been fall apart.

Even if Felicity told Oliver that, she wasn’t sure that he would agree with that though. You never truly understood it until you experienced it yourself. You needed to see it with your own eyes and feel it in your own heart before you could really comprehend it.

“I don’t know what to say.”

“Just say yes,” Robert suggested, “and spare yourself the energy of arguing with my wife about it. You don’t stand a chance.”

“He’s right,” Moira added, nodding her head, “the easiest for all of us would be if you just agreed. Robert and I could set up everything in like an hour, so you can come with us as soon as you want to.”

Felicity’s throat was burning from the tears she was holding back. It was a big decision to agree to this, but she could see in Robert’s and Moira’s eyes that it wouldn’t change anything. They would come here every day if necessary because they really wanted her to agree to this.

“Okay,” she whispered, unable to speak louder, “but only when Oliver agrees, and you will kick me out if it gets too much for you, okay?”

“It won’t become too much for us,” Moira promised and wrapped her arms around Felicity in a tight hug. “Thank you for letting us do this for you.”

Felicity doubted that Moira and Robert had really understood what they were getting themselves into here. As sweet as it was that they considered her their daughter, they would be losing this daughter soon. Losing Thea had certainly been bad, but at least it had been over in one night. This was going to take longer. It was going to be a slow process that threatened to pull you with it if you weren’t careful.

Deep down, Felicity knew that she would still have to watch out for the Queens now. Her own life and her own pain didn’t matter anymore as it was over rather sooner than later anyway. The Queens would have to go on with their lives after her death, and they wouldn’t be able to do that if they lost themselves in the process of taking care of her during her path down and out of life.

Moira was still holding Felicity when there was a knock at the door.

“I will open,” Robert said quickly and got up before Felicity could even think about it, “I got this.”

When Robert opened the door, Felicity felt her heart skipping a beat as she saw Oliver. He had his hands pushed in the pockets of his jeans. His shoulders were hunched, and his face showed a mixture of like two dozen different emotions that Felicity couldn’t name.

“Dad.” Oliver’s voice showed surprise as did his face. He frowned at his father since he certainly hadn’t expected to find him here. “What are you doing here?”

“Your mother and I had to discuss some future plans with Felicity.”

Robert’s answer obviously didn’t help Oliver to understand anything. His frown just deepened, and he hesitated visibly when his father stepped inside and invited him in with a gesture of his hand. Oliver just stayed where he was and looked past his father at where Moira and Felicity were still sitting on the couch, Moira’s arm still wrapped around Felicity’s torso.

Oliver stepped in slowly, his eyes focused on his mother. As soon as the door closed behind him, he looked back at his father again.

“What future plans?” he asked. “What do you mean?”

“Oliver, your father and I have decided to offer Felicity to move into our home,” Moira explained, “because we think that our home is the better place for her to be in this time of her life.”

Oliver stared at his mother for a long moment before he turned his gaze to look at Felicity. The expression in his eyes was unreadable. Felicity couldn’t say what he was thinking, but she felt herself in need to give him a way out of this. Queen Manor was his home, and he should feel good there.

“Of course it’s your decision,” Felicity said, “I mean I have already found a room in a hospice, and it’s a good home. Your parents’ offer is generous, but it’s such a big thing, and I am not sure that-“

“Your place is with me,” Oliver interrupted her and his voice was determined, “it’s with us.”

Felicity’s breath got caught in her throat. Twenty-four hours ago, Oliver had looked like he had had a stroke at her news. She had thought that he would need at least a week to discover from the shock. Instead, here he was, a hundred percent sure that he didn’t want her to spend the rest of her life in a hospice. He wanted her to spend the time she had left with him, and if Felicity was really honest, she was relieved that it was the case. There was nobody that she wanted to have by her side more than Oliver.

“Thank you,” Felicity whispered, trying to bite back the tears that were welling in her eyes, “I know how hard this is going to be for you too, and I-“

“I, uhm, I guess I-“

Oliver sucked in a deep breath, and Felicity could almost see his muscles tensing. He had caught himself from the shock he had suffered from yesterday, but he still hadn’t found back onto his feet. He was still struggling, but he wanted to try.

“We will leave you two alone,” Moira whispered and squeezed Felicity’s hand. “Call us whenever we can do something for you.”

Felicity nodded her head. “Thank you.”

Moira brushed her fingers through Felicity’s hair and leaned in to kiss Felicity’s cheek. When she pulled back, she was still smiling warmly, but there was a little bit of sadness in her eyes. Maybe she had started understanding that every goodbye now was a little preparation for the big goodbye they would have to tell each other in a couple of weeks.

When Moira walked to the door, Robert approached Felicity. He put a hand to her shoulder before he leaned down and kissed the crown of her head. It was a warm and fatherly gesture, and Felicity smiled at it.

“See you soon, Felicity.”

“See you,” Felicity whispered back, “and thank you, the both of you.”

The Queens smiled at her once more before they left her townhouse hand in hand. The door fell shut. The sound was quiet compared to the loud silence that followed.

Felicity pressed her lips together and rolled them over her teeth. She took in a deep breath, straightening her shoulders, before she found the courage to turn her head and look at Oliver. He stood in the middle of the room like a lost puppy, his hands still pushed into the pockets of his pants and his shoulders hunched so much that it looked like he was trying to hide himself between them.

“I have to apologize,” he said eventually, “because the way I reacted yesterday-“

“Oliver.”

“No, please let me say it.”

Oliver took in another deep breath before he crossed the distance towards her. He sat down on the couch next to her, taking the spot his mother had had before. His eyes were locked on hers even when he took her hands and held them in both of his.

“I am sorry for how I reacted yesterday,” he said, shaking his head, “because I know I shouldn’t have run away. I should have been here for you. You have always been there for me, and I didn’t do the same for you. That’s not okay.”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders, shooting him a half-hearted smile. “Don’t worry. I told you it’s okay to go, and I meant it. Besides, you are here now.”

“And I am not leaving again,” he whispered, “I promise.”

The tears that had been welling in Felicity’s eyes before rolled down her cheeks now. She tried to wipe them away, but Oliver was quicker. He brushed his thumbs over her soft skin, wiping away the tears.

“I don’t even know why I am crying,” Felicity said honestly, “I am okay. I-“

Her voice broke. She hated to admit it, but her entire situation was terribly confusing for her. She wasn’t sure what she wanted and what she was thinking. She wasn’t sure if she should be scared because for some reason, she wasn’t. At least she wasn’t scared for herself.

In Oliver’s eyes, she could see sadness and compassion. He suffered from all of this, and he suffered even more so at how confused and how in pain she was. He suffered for both of them, and so did Felicity.

Oliver’s arms wrapped Felicity tightly as he pulled her into a close hug. Felicity almost felt like her ribs threatened to crack at the pressure his muscles put on her bones. Felicity didn’t care though as her own arms wrapped around Oliver’s neck just as tightly, she guessed. She pressed herself as close to him as possible, pushing her face against the side of his neck and breathing her in.

Oliver was all she had. He was her best friend and her family. He was the most important person in her life. While she would have understood if he couldn’t have been by her side through all this misery, she was more than relieved to know that she wouldn’t lose him. She needed him much more than she wanted to admit to him or even to herself.

“We will grab some of your stuff tomorrow, okay?” he whispered, tightening his arms around her once more. “We will spend today here, watching TV together and trying to get something into your stomach. Then we will fall asleep on the couch. Tomorrow afternoon, when you are fit enough, John and Lyla will come by and we will pack your stuff.”

Felicity nodded her head. As hard as it would be to say goodbye to her home, she knew that it was better to get this over with quickly. It was like ripping off a plaster. The more quickly you did it, the sooner it was over and you could progress the sting.

“I am here for you,” Oliver continued to whisper, his hands still stroking over her hair, “and I will be here for you no matter what. You are not going to lose me.”

He whispered the words again and again like a mantra. Felicity closed her eyes and only focused on his words, letting them sink in. It was a good feeling to know that, while everything would start crumbling now, at least this one thing wouldn’t change.

As Oliver continued to whisper the words, Felicity wished that she could say them back. She wanted to tell him that she was here for him too, and that she would continue to be here with him no matter that, but she knew it would be a lie. He would lose her, and neither of them would be able to prevent that from happening.

* * *

“Thank you all for helping.”

Felicity had thanked all of them at least a hundred times already, and Oliver was sure that she was still far from stopping. She would thank them a thousand times more if they gave her a chance to do so. That was just who Felicity was.

“It’s nothing,” Lyla said, “we are glad that we can help.”

“Absolutely,” John replied, putting a hand to Felicity’s stomach, “because we are your friends. If you need anything, we are always here.”

“Oh, yes!” Sara said, nodding her head firmly in a way that made her dark curls jump all around her face. “Especially when I get to place with your tablet.”

John nudged his daughter’s shoulder gently, and Sara gave him her best angel’s eyes. When he tapped his forefinger against the tip of her nose, she giggled. The father-daughter duo was always a pleasure to watch.

“Really, we have to thank you for being allowed to help,” Lyla explained, “because without kindergarten, we really needed something for Sara to do. She has been driving me insane these last couple of days. It’s even too hot to go outside and play for long.”

“You’re saying,” Felicity said, fanning herself with her hand, “the weather is killing me.”

Oliver felt his heart tightening at her words as it just hit the bullseye a little too much. He wasn’t ready to think about it.

As he watched Felicity closely like he had the entire time since he had come to visit her yesterday morning, he could see how exhausted she was. She had tried to hide it, but he could see it in her eyes. She blinked repeatedly, probably feeling dizzy. Not even the deep breaths she took seemed to help with that.

Slowly, Oliver approached Felicity. Putting his hand to her back, he called for her attention. Felicity turned around to him and almost lost here balance there for a moment.

“Maybe you should go to the mansion already to catch some rest,” Oliver suggested, “and we can finish this here tomorrow.”

“I’m fine.”

Oliver didn’t believe her. The fine layer of sweat on her face, the way her body was trembling slightly and the twitching of her lid just gave the truth away.

“Felicity-“

“I am not going to let you do all the work,” Felicity whispered, shaking her head, “it’s already a lot that you are helping, but I am not going to lie back and let you do this alone. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Oliver cocked his head and perked up his eyebrows in disbelief. Sometimes, as smart as Felicity was, she really didn’t make sense.

“Do you remembered who cleaned up after all the parties I threw after Thea’s death?” Oliver asked. “I give you a little hint. It wasn’t me because I was lying in bed with a terrible hangover.”

Felicity puckered her lips. “I guess I faintly remember that I might have had a little hand in cleaning up your mess.”

“See?” Oliver asks. “Now it’s my turn to clean up yours.”

He could see that Felicity was struggling. A part of her knew that it was best for her to go to the mansion and catch some rest as the day had been really exhausting. She just wasn’t the type of person to lean back and let others work.

Shaking her head, she turned away from him and continued packing some stuff from the couch table into the moving box. Why did she have to be so terribly stubborn?

Oliver looked outside through the open door to where Lyla was pushing one of the moving boxes into the trunk of her car. She caught his gaze and frowned, wordlessly asking what was wrong. Oliver shot a meaningful gaze towards Felicity before looking back at Lyla and shrugging his shoulders. She winked in response. She would help him with this, and, since she was a mother, she was probably a lot more creative about this.

“The first car is packed,” she said, coming back inside, “so we could go to the mansion and unpack some stuff.”

Felicity shot a look at Oliver, knowing exactly what this was about it seemed. Oliver lifted his hands as a sign of innocence. It was a white lie, he guessed, because it was for Felicity’s good. It was for her health.

“Sara could also need something to eat,” Lyla added, fanning herself some air with her hand, “and I could use a little break too. It’s really terribly hot.”

Felicity still wasn’t exactly convinced, but she probably knew that she didn’t stand a chance here. If she didn’t agree, they would only tell Sara to convince Felicity, and there was no way that she would be able to resist the big, brown eyes of that little girl. Nobody could resist Sara. She had a superpower.

“Fine,” Felicity said with a sigh and put the vase she had just wrapped in some paper into the box, “I’ll go and take a nap, but I will come back.”

“I won’t fight you on that,” Oliver promised, stepped forward and kissed Felicity’s forehead. “Just take a little rest. That is all I am asking.”

Felicity nodded her head and smiled at him briefly before she turned away and walked to the car already. There was something miserable about the way Felicity moved with her shoulders slumped and he head down. It broke Oliver’s heart to see her like that when she was usually such a happy and energetic woman.

Before Felicity got into the car, she shot another look back at Oliver. He smiled at her encouragingly, and she nodded her head. It was her wordless way of saying that she understood why he wanted to take her rest, and she actually agreed with him.

When the car left, Oliver released a breath he hadn’t known he had been holding and closed his eyes for a moment. Coming here yesterday had taken a lot of strength from him. He was trying to be strong for Felicity because she needed all her strength for herself right now. He wanted to help her with that, but it was so damn hard.

“She’s tough.”

Oliver shot John a brief glance, but he couldn’t hold his friend’s gaze. It was too much as the expression in his eyes told Oliver that John could see how hard this was for him. Just like Felicity hadn’t wanted to admit that she needed a rest, Oliver didn’t want to admit how hard this really was on him. It would be impossible to come back from a confession like that.

“She is the toughest person I know,” Oliver agreed, nodding his head, “and I have no idea where she is taking all that strength from.”

It really was a miracle to him that a woman who had experienced so much bad in her life could be so positive and so strong. Oliver had had a good life, at least mostly, and still he felt like this was making him crumble. He was mad at the universe on Felicity’s behalf. He didn’t understand why it would rob the world of her of all people.

“I will pack some stuff from her wardrobe,” Oliver hurried to say, feeling the need to distract himself from his thoughts, “so it would be good if you could continue here.”

“Alright,” John replied, nodding his head.

Oliver went into Felicity’s bedroom. It was full of light which was just so fitting for Felicity. She was a person with so much light that it was even enough for others. She had been his light for so long. He could just hope that it had sparked some light in him, so he could light her darkness a little now.

Shaking his head, he shook off those thoughts. He really needed distraction. His head and his heart were still trying to process all of this, and it was anything but easy. He had to take one step at a time, and for now that meant no step at all.

Oliver opened Felicity’s wardrobe and grabbed some piles of pullovers to drop them into one of the boxes. One by one, he emptied the shelves and stuffed Felicity’s clothes in the box. He was surprised how many clothes she really had, especially how many pants and pullovers. Most times, she was wearing dresses or skirts. Although Felicity was far from shallow or anything like that, she always made sure to look great.

When Oliver reached the bottommost shelves where Felicity seemed to keep all kinds of stuff, he kneeled down to grab the different items one by one and put them into another box. He had almost emptied it completely when he reached as far back as he could, making sure that he wouldn’t forget anything. He wanted Felicity to feel a hundred percent comfortable in the mansion, so she couldn’t miss any of her stuff.

His fingers took hold of something and when Oliver lifted it in front of his eyes, he saw that it was a pink book or album. He wasn’t sure yet. A photo of Felicity back when she had been a child of maybe seven or eight years glued to the front. She was sticking out her tongue at whoever was taking the photo, her nose scrunched up and her eyes sparkling with amusement no matter how annoyed she tried to look.

Nosy as he was, Oliver opened the book. With letters that had been cut from a magazine, the words MY WISH BOOK were written on the first page. Something told Oliver that this was something really private, and maybe it was even too private for him to just read it without Felicity’s permission. He just couldn’t stop himself. He was a terrible person like that.

_I want to celebrate Christmas,_ which was written on the next page. A Christmas tree with lots of decorations was painted under it.

_Sleigh Riding_ was written on the page after that and the print of some movie still was glued to it. The two words had been crossed though and with a handwriting that looked a lot more like it was the one of a teenager than a preschool kid _See the Northern Lights_ were written over it.

Oliver continued to read some of the pages, and it looked like Felicity had started writing down her wishes and had crossed them from time and time to replace them with new ones. Oliver wasn’t sure if she had fulfilled the wishes she had crossed or if her priorities had just changed through the years.

Frowning, Oliver wondered if this was Felicity’s bucket list or however to call it. Even if it hadn’t been written down with that purpose, maybe he could use it to make her wishes come true.

Oliver put the book into the box and marked the box with a little X at the edge, so he would find the book again when he was at the mansion. Something told him that he could really make good use of this. Nobody should die without their biggest wishes coming true.


	3. Avoidance

“It is a pity.”

Raisa sighed when she took the plate from Felicity and trashed the scrambled eggs, toasts and mushrooms. It was the fifth morning in a row that she had to do this. Since the last thirty minutes of picking in the food while Raisa had tried to encourage her to try at least a bite hadn’t helped to stimulate Felicity’s appetite at all, she knew that there was no good in waiting any longer. Felicity wouldn’t touch the breakfast.

“I’m sorry, Raisa.” Felicity rubbed her fingers over the top of her chest. “You shouldn’t need to trash what you cooked for me and-“

“Don’t worry about that,” Raisa interrupted her with a soft shake of her head, “because that is not what I meant.”

Felicity looked at Raisa doubtingly. She knew how much Raisa loved cooking and Felicity certainly wasn’t the first person to be unable to eat any of the delicious food she had cooked, but it still felt terrible to see the food being trashed.

“You used to have such a great appetite,” Raisa said with a soft smile, “which really made it a pleasure to watch you eat.”

Felicity smiled at Raisa’s words, knowing that she was right. There had been times when Felicity had devoured food. She had started with a big breakfast, had had sandwiches for lunch, some snacks in the afternoon, pizza for dinner and finally some midnight burgers when she had managed to convince Oliver to take her to Big Belly Burger. Felicity missed those times. She missed enjoying food.

Lowering her eyes, she just shrugged her shoulders. She knew that she would never get her appetite back, so there was no good in reminiscing about it. It would only make her pity herself, and she couldn’t have that.

When Raisa rested her hand over Felicity’s, squeezing it comfortingly, Felicity lifted her gaze. Raisa was smiling at her softly. She exuded a deep calmness that wrapped Felicity in like a warm blanket.

“How are you feeling?” she asked. “Apart from the missing appetite I mean?”

Felicity had been asked this a lot lately. Everyone who knew how sick she was now, asked how she was doing. It was almost a little exhausting to repeat the same things again and again, but she knew that the people around her really just wanted to check on her. They wanted to hear how she was doing, so they could estimate the current status of her health. Just like Felicity had predicted, living with someone that you knew was going to die was not easy.

“The mornings are always the worst,” Felicity replied with a shrug of her shoulders, “especially with the nausea, the headaches and the dizziness.”

While she always had dinner with the Queen Family, she was taking her lunch and her breakfast alone if she ate anything at all. The increased show of symptoms in the mornings were definitely one reason for it. That Robert and Moira usually left the house before eight o’clock was another one. With the little sleep Felicity got, she didn’t waste any second of it, so she just slept in instead of setting an alarm.

“My arm is getting worse too,” Felicity added quietly, looking at her fingers that twitched even with Raisa’s hand holding them, “and I guess it will get worse constantly.”

Raisa squeezed Felicity’s fingers once more. Her smile grew even warmer.

“It’s a good thing that Mr. Oliver convinced you to move in here. You are exactly where you are supposed to be.”

Felicity felt her smile breaking a little bit. As much as she still appreciated his offer and as comfortable as she was feeling here in the Queen Manor, Felicity still wasn’t sure if it had been the right choice. The symptoms were still quite shallow in comparison to what was about to come. She wasn’t sure if Oliver or his parents would be able to deal with it.

“You are where you are supposed to be,” Raisa repeated, “because this gives the Queen Family the opportunity to give back what you have given them in the last years.”

“I don’t need them to give me anything back. I liked to help them.”

“And they like to help you.” Raisa smiled. “Don’t take that away from them because you think that you have to protect them.”

It was almost scary how well Raisa understood what was going on inside of Felicity. Felicity barely knew anything about Raisa other than that she had been working for the Queen's like forever. She had helped raise Oliver and Thea, being like a second mom to them. She was part of the family and not just an employee.

“And I will continue trying to find some food that your stomach can take,” Raisa added and patted Felicity’s hand briefly, “because breakfast is important. It will help you to get back onto your feet.”

Well, at least for now Felicity was still standing. She thought it only to herself quietly. She knew others didn’t want to hear that. For Felicity, it was important though. She had to ready herself.

“Do you have any idea what could work?” Raisa asked. “Is there anything you’d like to eat?”

Felicity shook her head. “Not really.”

“Don’t worry. I will find something then.”

Felicity didn’t doubt that. Raisa would move heaven and hell to make it work. She’d cook a thousand different breakfasts until she had finally found something that Felicity would give a try eating and that would actually stay in her stomach.

“You know, the only food that has never disappointed me is BB burger.”

Raisa perked up her eyebrows. “For breakfast?”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “They never disappointed me.”

A quiet laugh made Felicity turn around to see Oliver leaning in the frame of the door. His body was shaking slightly from the laughter he was trying to bite back. His eyes sparkled with amusement, and it actually caused Felicity to smile too.

“Raisa, I have tried to have a good influence on Felicity’s eating behaviors, but it is really hopeless,” Oliver said with a deep sigh and shook his head. “She is a hopeless case.”

“Oh, we will see about that.”

Raisa winked at the both of them before she left the kitchen, leaving Felicity and Oliver alone. Felicity turned around on the stool completely, so she was facing Oliver. He crossed the distance towards her and kissed her temple.

“How did you sleep?”

“Like a baby.”

Oliver narrowed his eyes at her. “A very young baby that does not sleep through the night yet, but actually wakes up again and again?”

“Exactly.”

Although Oliver chuckled, he didn’t look half as amused as he had looked before. Indeed, the amusement wasn’t in his eyes anymore. He could pretend to be amused about how little sleep she had caught this morning, but it didn’t change that he actually hated it. He hated that she didn’t catch sleep lightly because he knew that she was most likely in pain and the little sleep exhausted her even more than she was exhausted already.

Felicity cleared her throat and lowered her gaze. She couldn’t see the pain in Oliver’s eyes. She didn’t want to.

“I guess you haven’t slept very well either,” Felicity said, knowing that distraction was the best way to deal with this, “or why are you in the kitchen at a time that you usually consider to be in the middle of the night?”

Oliver shrugged his shoulders and pushed his hands into the pockets of his pants. “I have actually been up for an hour or two already.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, I got back from Verdant early last night, so I didn’t need to sleep in?”

Felicity frowned. “You came back early?”

Oliver rarely ever came home from the club early, at least he didn’t do so alone. At least one of his employees had once mentioned something like that. She had tried to ask Oliver about it, but he had changed the subject quite quickly. Apparently, although they were friends, he didn’t feel comfortable talking to her about something like that.

Anyway, Felicity knew Oliver well enough to know that he’d usually stay until the next morning when everything had been taken care of and prepared for the next night. He always arrived at work first and was the last to leave. It drove his managers insane, but he liked to be in control of things.

This, her sickness, was something he couldn’t control at all which Felicity guessed was part of the reason that he had wanted her to move in with him for the months she had left. As long as she was right in reach, he felt like he did have some control over the situation. Felicity was sure that his

“I think I was in bed at around twelve.” Oliver shrugged his shoulders. “Anyway, I used the last hour to prepare a surprise for you.”

Oliver smiled secretively, holding out a hand for her. Felicity frowned slightly, looking from his hand at his face and back down at his hand.

Of course it was nice that Oliver had prepared a surprise for her, but she wasn’t sure that it was a good sign. He had invited her to live here to have her close. He was skipping hours that he usually spent working to prepare a surprise for her. Those were just two little things, but Felicity felt that it wasn’t a good sign.

“Come on, Felicity,” Oliver pleaded with her, “you will like it.”

She knew that he wasn’t nearly ready to talk about the future he’d have to live in without her. Felicity wasn’t sure what stage of grief he was at exactly. She felt like he showed signs of denial as much as bargaining. Maybe it was something like that. Either way, Felicity knew that Oliver wasn’t nearly ready to move on.

Felicity rolled her lips over her teeth and put her fingers in Oliver’s hand. He didn’t hesitate, linking her arm with his and leading her towards the large doors that led out onto the terrace.

Felicity had to squeeze her eyes shut at the glaring light. The summer wasn’t helping her to feel any better at all. It seemed to reach right into her head and squeeze the epicenter of her headache. She also felt forced to move even more slowly and carefully as her bones and muscles felt wobbly from the unbearable warmth. Like wax, it seemed to melt, losing all tension or all ability to carry her.

Instinctively, she moved closer towards Oliver, resting more and more weight on him. It didn’t go unnoticed by him. Instead, Oliver’s muscles tensed a little as he did his best to keep her upright.

When he led her towards the stairs, Felicity released a deep sigh and said, “I fear that you gotta be patient with me. I might need some time to get down there.”

“If there is one thing we have, it’s time.”

Felicity already took in a breath to reply, but she quickly changed her mind and bit back on her comment instead. Oliver wasn’t ready to really talk about her disease. He certainly couldn’t hear her joke about it either. She would have to give him more time before she could start making fun of it which, admittedly, was her way of dealing with this.

“You know, if you have trouble with stairs, I am sure my parents wouldn’t mind installing a stair lift,” Oliver said, holding onto her hand tightly and doing his best to give her leverage on their way down the stairs, “if it makes things easier for you.”

Felicity waved it off. “I doubt that it will be worth the cost. I won’t be using it for long anyway.”

She could feel Oliver’s muscles tensing even more at her words. His face showed pain although he really did his best to hide it. His Adam’s apple jumped high in his throat when he swallowed hard at the words.

Felicity bit down on her tongue. She hadn’t thought about it before she had said the words. They had just been on the tip of her tongue, so she had just said them. Of course Oliver had caught up on the dark thought that was beneath it.

The stair lift wouldn’t be worth it because she wouldn’t be able to use it for long. Because she was going to die. No matter how hard they tried to avoid it, it would never stop being true.

Stopping on the broad staircase on the middle of the stairs, Felicity turned around to Oliver. She put her hand around his, holding them gently. Her thumbs stroked over the back of his hands slowly. She was rubbing small circles into his skin, trying to comfort him.

“I am sorry,” she whispered quietly, “I shouldn’t have said that.”

Oliver shook his head. “It’s okay. I guess you are right. I mean you are sick and-“

His voice broke. As much as Oliver tried hiding it, Felicity could see how much all of this was taking a toll on him. Talking about how sick she really was just brought back to the surface what he had been tried to push down since the moment he had known about it now.

It was part of the reason why she had figured it would be better to move into a hospice than anything else. She wanted Oliver to have the time he needed to process what was going to happen to her. On the other hand, maybe a little bit of shock therapy wasn’t bad either. There was going to be a point in the not-too-far future when she didn’t have any control over whether or not Oliver got any time to process after all.

Maybe, as long as she had control, she should still use it though.

“I will try to be a little gentler with you anyway.”

Felicity put her hand to the side of Oliver’s face, and he leaned it into her touch instinctively. He closed his eyes and leaned his nose against her wrist like he needed to breathe her in.

It only took a moment, Felicity couldn’t say how long that moment was, until Oliver opened his eyes and smiled at her. It didn’t quite reach his eyes, but it was convincing enough for Felicity to know that he wanted to change the subject.

He nodded towards the foot of the stairs, and Felicity nodded her head in agreement. It was time to move on from this conversation. She let Oliver lead her down the rest of the stairs and further into the garden. The thick oak trees down there, planted next to each other, offered some badly-needed shadows.

While they continued their path deeper into the park-like garden of Queen Manor, Felicity felt her body filling with more energy. Her muscles didn’t feel as wobbly anymore. The cool breeze coming through the leaves of the big trees around them energized her as much as the shadows alone did.

Back before Felicity had shown the first symptoms of cancer again, she had been so excited for summer. As a true Vegas girl – as a woman grown up in Vegas, not a Las Vegas showgirl – Felicity had always loved summer. She loved being woken by the sun and having it tickle her skin the moment she stepped outside.

Now that her health was in trouble, Felicity wished that it was winter again. Cold didn’t rob that much energy as being in the sun did. Her muscles grew so stiff that her legs would be unable to give in from right under her. She missed that feeling although she hated the idea of winter. She just wasn’t used to it, and she doubted that she ever would.

While she and Oliver were continuing to walk down the path through the garden, Felicity watched his face. He looked a little nervous which made her pucker her lips slightly and narrow her eyes at him.

“Okay, what exactly is your surprise?”

“Just wait another two minutes.”

“I would if I didn’t know you this well.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows, turning his head towards her. He didn’t have to ask for her to know that he wondered what exactly that comment was supposed to be.

“Well, remember that one time you said you had a surprise for me, blindfolded me and took me right in front of that kangaroo habitat although you knew how scared I was of kangaroos? That really didn’t help me to trust you when it comes to surprises.”

Felicity remembered it thoroughly, and Oliver’s slightly amused and maybe even a little bit guilty smile told her that he remembered it too.

“Firstly, you deserved it,” he told her, “because you hacked my facebook account and posted all those terrible cat memes there-“

“-only because you got in the way of my date with that guy from the party and basically chased him away-“

“-because he was an idiot and certainly not nearly good enough for you, but you didn’t want to see that because he was a geek like you,” Oliver replied matter-of-factly, tapping the tip of his fingers against the tip of her nose playfully. “Besides, you should be thanking me. You got shock therapy for free. You are cured of your fear of kangaroos for a lifetime now.”

“I wouldn’t necessarily say that,” Felicity mumbled, “but-“

When they turned around a corner and Felicity saw what looked like a small building site, she stopped and frowned.

“Are your parents doing any renovations here?”

“Yes, they replace the path through the garden,” Oliver replied, taking Felicity’s hand and linking her arm with her, “which is quite convenient because it made it easier to put my plan into action.”

While Felicity still frowned at him, Oliver led her closer to the building site. He took her hand and pulled her down next to the concrete that still wasn’t completely dried it seemed. Felicity frowned.

“I don’t think I understand?”

Oliver chuckled. “Since we are paving the path through the back of the garden, I thought it was a nice idea to leave a little mark of our own here and with a mark of our own I mean your mark, so I asked the workers to help me do this. You can write into the concrete and we will add the stone to the path later.”

Felicity felt speechless at the idea. Oliver always had those sweet ideas and this one specifically warmed her heart for a lot of reasons.

“I think we both should do it,” she said eventually, “since it is your garden.”

Oliver hesitated briefly before he nodded his head. “Sure, why not?”

While Oliver started drawing random patterns into concrete, Felicity just stared at it and pressed her lips together. She had no idea how Oliver could so easily decide what mark exactly he wanted to leave here. It was a big decision, especially since it would be part of the Queen Manor for quite some time. Well, at least it would be part of it until Moira found it. Felicity doubted that she’d be too happy about this mark.

“It’s not a life-changing decision, Felicity.” Oliver bumped his shoulder against hers playfully. “Just go with your heart.”

Felicity looked at Oliver, who winked at her instantly. When he continued to turn back to the patterns he was drawing into the concrete, Felicity watched him for a moment longer. Soon, she turned her gaze back towards the yet untouched concrete right in front of her. Taking in a deep breath, she just moved a finger into the drying material and just wrote what came to her mind first.

_Shalom aleichem_

The words almost seemed to be staring at her. Those were the words she was going to leave here. When Oliver had kids once and Moira wouldn’t erase their marks here before that, he would maybe tell his kids about her and show them these words she had just written into the concrete.

Felicity felt a sudden wave of sadness washing over her and quickly pushed it away.

“What does that mean?” Oliver asked, leaning over to her and nodding towards what she had written into the concrete. “I do know that shalom means ‘peace’, but the rest?”

“It means ‘peace be upon you’,” Felicity explained, “which is something I figured would be nice for people who cross the garden to read. It looks like such a peaceful and almost paradise-like place, so wishing peace upon people feels like the right thing to do.”

Oliver nodded his head. “It really is.”

While he was looking at her writing in the concrete, Felicity watched his face with a small frown. Of course she knew how very well Oliver knew her. He was the best of her friends, the one she had felt closest to since they had become friends. Still, at least so far, she hadn’t believed that he knew how to read minds.

Felicity looked back at the words she had written and the patterns Oliver had drawn next to it. It looked pretty together almost like it had been supposed to be there together, complementing each other.

“I always wanted to write in wet cement,” she whispered eventually, “leaving something that lasts longer than myself. I think I developed that dream when I first watched Oliver & Company which is a little ironic because you are Oliver. Not that Oliver obviously, but one Oliver. My Oliver. I mean-”

“I know.”

Surprised, Felicity turned her head and looked at Oliver. She was quite sure that she had never told him about it. She couldn’t say why, but she was really sure that she had never said it. She would probably remember if it had been different.

“How did you-?”

Felicity stopped when Oliver reached around the tree next to him and revealed a pink book that she was very familiar with. Her fingers brushed against the cover of the book gently. It had been so long since she had last held it in her hands.

“I almost forgot this existed.”

Back when she had had cancer the first time, she had started doing this book. She had written down everything that she wanted to do in life because it should have been able to help her dream about that. She had never thought that she would get a chance to actually fulfill these dreams for herself.

When she had learned that the cancer was starting to leave her body, she had sworn to herself to make them all come true. It hadn’t taken long until she had forgotten about that though. She had been too ambitious and too focused on making a career to keep chasing the dreams she had made as a child.

Felicity smiled to herself sadly. Maybe she should have put more focus on chasing her dreams. Maybe that way she wouldn’t regret this now.

“I’m sorry for breaking into your privacy if you feel like I did do so by reading this book,” Oliver explained carefully, his voice a little hoarse, “but I wasn’t sure that you would have let me do this for you if you had known.”

Felicity bit down on her bottom lip. Oliver really did know her very well.

“You are already doing so much for me.”

Oliver scoffed. “I asked you to live in my parents’ home where our maid is taking care of you. What am I really doing for you?”

“You are here,” Felicity replied softly, taking his hand and squeezing it, “and you are my friend.”

“It’s not nearly enough.” Oliver shook his head. “I want to do more for you. I want to help make these next months maybe not the best of your life, but definitely not the worst either. I want to make your dreams come true.”

“That’s really generous of you, but-“

Now it was Oliver squeezing her hand. He looked at her intensely like he tried to reach right into her soul. He even put on that puppy expression that made it impossible to say no to him. As much as she tried to force the word out, it wouldn’t get over her lips.

“I don’t even know what I wrote in there,” Felicity said, trying to buy some time until she finally found it in her to resist Oliver’s puppy eyes, “because it’s been so long since I wrote it down. I think I haven’t taken a look at this in the last seven years. It was right after I graduated college because it made me realize that there was a time that I thought I would never get a chance to do that.”

Once more it hit her how much these last years have really been a gift to her. There hadn’t been missing much for her not to have them. These next months were kind of another gift to her. Maybe this time she should really make something out of it.

Looking at Oliver once more, she figured that he was still looking at her with his puppy eyes. She would never be able to say no to him as long as he looked at her like that.

“Fine,” she said with a long sigh, but please don’t do too much. If something doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. That is okay. If you lose interest in helping me to work on my bucket list that is okay too. Just… just don’t feel forced to make it work for whatever reason.”

“Promise,” Oliver said and framed her face with his hands, peppering some kisses onto it, “promise, promise, promise.”

Felicity chuckled about how happy Oliver was at this. Since children were full of fantasy, she was sure that she had found quite some creative wishes which meant that there was a lot of work ahead of Oliver. After all, she knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t do this half-heartedly. He would do everything he could to make her dreams come true. He was dedicated like that if he really wanted something.

Lacing his fingers with her, Oliver looked at their marks in the concrete. Felicity followed his gaze. It really was a beautiful sight, and it did make her weirdly happy that this dream had come true although she had forgotten about it until a couple of minutes ago when Oliver had reminded her about it.

“Have already made yourself feel at home here in the manor?” Oliver asked Felicity eventually, looking at her with a soft smile. “I know it’s not really a place to feel at home, at least not easily, especially when you haven’t grown up here.”

“It does feel a little like living in a castle.” Felicity chuckled lowly. “Yesterday I caught myself afraid to use the banister because I didn’t want to leave scratches in the wood. Everything is so-“

“-old and scary?”

“Nobel.”

Oliver waved it off. “I slid down the banister regularly when I was a child, and nothing ever broke. It’s the good thing about old, scary, noble things. They don’t break that easily.”

“I will try to get that into my head.”

Oliver chuckled at that. “I am sure it won’t be that hard since you are pretty smart.”

“I am,” Felicity replied, “although I do feel like I have lost a lot of my brain cells since this tumor started growing again. It’s weird, but I can almost feel the tumor growing inside of me which is probably just me losing sanity, but I swear to god, sometimes my head feels like it will explode because the tumor is trying to make room and-“

“If you need anything, just say it.”

Oliver’s interruption took Felicity by that much surprise that she almost swallowed her tongue at the attempt to fall quiet. She looked at Oliver, eyeing him. He was avoiding her eyes, looking at the concrete instead. As much as he tried to hide it, Felicity could see how uncomfortable he was feeling though.

Once more it hit her how he was nowhere ready enough to talk about how sick she really was. He knew that she was dying, but he hadn’t progressed at all. He didn’t even want to progress it. He was avoiding thinking about it or anything regarding her terrible health. That was also why he wanted to help her with her bucket list. It was going to distract him from facing the truth.

A little part of Felicity was sure that she should make sure Oliver started processing this before she was actually about to die. She just found herself being unable to do so.

“I don’t think I need anything other than a few more days to get used to this,” she told him, “but thank you.”

* * *

Opening the door as quietly as possible, Oliver glimpsed inside. The hallway didn’t spend enough light for him to see Felicity’s face. He could barely see the silhouette of her body under the blanket. Her chest was rising and falling evenly, telling him that she was probably fast asleep already.

Oliver hesitated before he stepped into the room and tiptoed to her bed. His eyes needed a moment until they were adjusted to the dark. Soon enough, he could see her face though, and he couldn’t stop a soft smile from spreading on his lips at the sight of how peaceful Felicity looked.

Sitting down on the edge of the mattress, Oliver just watched Felicity for a long moment.

It was only eight thirty, but she was already fast asleep. She didn’t have much energy. She usually got up early in the mornings after she had had little to no sleep in the night. Usually, she napped after lunch, but Oliver had kind of kept her busy all day, trying to make every second with her count. Too late, he had noticed that him keeping her busy had only resulted in her having even less energy to make it through the evening. She had gone to bed right after dinner.

Oliver sighed softly, lifting his hand and stroking his fingers over Felicity’s soft skin. She was running a slight fever, but he knew that it was normal given what she and her body were going through. He had read a lot about it since she had told him about it. Eventually, he had stopped because it had just been too depressing and too scary.

Looking at Felicity now, he couldn’t believe that any of what he had read could possibly happen to her. She looked too peaceful. She looked so damn peaceful that he couldn’t imagine that she was going through bad headaches already. She’d suffer from changes in vision. She was having trouble with nausea already, and she’d start vomiting regularly too. She already had problems with balance, but they’d get worse, and she might even lose the ability to move the way she wanted to if the tumor was in some specific part of her brain. Her behavior might change and the consciousness would be reduced. She would become a shell of the woman she was, the woman he loved.

Just thinking about it made him feel like he was dying right with her. He wanted to die right there because without her there was just no reason to live at all. She’d take all the light that was in his life with her when she went to heaven.

When Oliver felt his throat starting to burn and tears welling in his eyes, he leaned over and brushed a kiss against Felicity’s forehead. She sighed sleepily and snuggled deeper into the fluffy pillow.

“Night, Oliver.”

Oliver smiled. Even in her sleep, she could feel that he was there with her. That was how well they really knew each other.

“Night, Felicity,” he whispered, tugging the blanket a little closer around her because he just knew that she was feeling a little cold despite how hot it really was, “have sweet dreams.”

With that, Oliver got up and left her room. He closed the door as quietly as possible, wiping away the tears that were still welling in his eyes. With quick steps, he walked over towards his room on the other side of the hallway then.

As soon as the door was closed behind him, he leaned back against the wood of the door and closed his eyes. He couldn’t let all the emotions that threatened to drown him in, at least not yet. He wasn’t ready, not as long as Felicity wasn’t dying because, as long as she wasn’t dying, Oliver knew that he had a purpose. As her best friend, it was his duty to make sure that her last months were going to be everything she could hope for. It was his obligation to make her dreams come true.

With that thought in mind, Oliver released the breath he had been holding slowly. He nodded his head to himself slowly, letting the thought sink in. He used it like a mantra.

_Felicity deserved everything in the world. She deserved to have her dreams come true, so he would make them come true._

He repeated those words to himself again and again. At first, he just said them in his head, but it didn’t take long until his lips were chiming into it. He whispered the words, letting his ears hear them until his heart and brain believed it.

Taking in another deep breath, Oliver sat down at his desk and switched on the small lamp that was there. Felicity’s pink book was still resting on the desk, so all he had to do was pull it closer and open it eventually.

He had been reading Felicity’s wishes at least a dozen times since he had found the book, but he read them again nonetheless.

When he reached the fourth page, the one that said that she wanted to write in wet cement, Oliver took a red pen and put a little tick in the bottom right corner. He had made it. He had made the first of her wishes come true.

Felicity had already had the sleigh ride that she had always wished for. She had also graduated college. She had even visited Bethlehem. All those three wishes had been fulfilled. Writing into wet concrete had been the first wish he had made come true though, and Oliver felt incredibly proud of it.

Looking at the other wishes, Oliver already had some ideas. He knew how he wanted to handle some of them, while others were more difficult, he guessed. It didn’t matter if he didn’t have good ideas for some of them yet. He couldn’t prioritize her wishes given how quickly he thought he could put them into action. He had to prioritize them depending on how fit Felicity needed to be for her to enjoy them.

She wanted to take self-defense lessons. That wish had replaced her graduation from college, so Oliver guessed that it was the last wish she had written into that book. Now it would be the first to come true.

Oliver already thought about what techniques he would teach her when he wondered if he was even the best choice to train her. He would love to be the one because it meant that he got to spend quality time with her. He just knew that John would be a much better trainer. He had trained him, so Oliver knew exactly what a good teacher he was.

As much as Oliver hated the thought, he guessed that he should ask John to train Felicity. He could still be there with them and spend time with them. He didn’t have to leave everything to John. They could-

When Oliver reached the last page of the book, he stopped. What he had assumed to be the last page was stuck with the page after that. Carefully, Oliver pulled the two pages apart to reveal a tenth wish that he had never noticed before. It was written with the same handwriting of a child that all those first wishes had been written with.

Reading that wish made Oliver’s thoughts come to a sudden stop and his heart skipping a beat.

_I want to get married._


	4. Frustration

Felicity’s nap ended abruptly as a dull headache made itself felt. It seemed to suck all of the energy and all of the relaxation that her short nap should have offered out of her. She felt even weaker than she had felt before she had lain down.

The exhaustion was one of the worst things about having cancer, at least to her. It was ridiculous and incredibly illogical to her. The tumor did everything it needed to do, so it could grow. It nourished from her, and it spread through all barriers because growing was the only thing it wanted. Still, it also caused her to be unable to eat a lot of times.

With a low sigh, Felicity sat up and rubbed her hands over her face. Making sense into this tumor or any part of this sickness was only taking even more energy from her. She couldn’t let that happen. She didn’t have anything to waste these days.

And this was only the beginning.

Another sigh fell from Felicity’s lips while she was pushing her feet off the mattress and setting them onto the floor. The hardwood was cool, bringing some refreshment from the close air. Her hair was sticking to the back of her neck. Her skin was covered with a thin film of sweat. She knew she could wash it away, but it wouldn’t be very useful. It would be back within seconds.

Oliver had told her to switch on the air conditioner, but Felicity had forgotten. She might do so now, so the air could cool until she would lie down in the evening.

Felicity stayed sitting at the edge of the mattress when she reached for the sports fitness clothes that she had put there before lying down. Without getting up, she started dressing herself. She had made sure to get used to getting dressed without getting up once the first symptoms had started showing. She hoped that she could spare herself the embarrassment of being dressed for a while longer.

Once she was dressed, she grabbed the hair tie from her nightstand and tied her hair into a high ponytail. When she stroked her hands over her head, she could feel that her hair wasn’t as close to her scalp as it should be. Several strands had already fallen out and the ponytail had loosened itself a little. Her fingers weren’t as strong and as precise as they had used to be. It was always worse after waking up.

Closing her eyes for a moment, Felicity took some deep breaths. She had only gotten dressed, a small everyday activity that most people did without even thinking about it. For her, it had been exhausting.

With a shake of her head, Felicity got up and left her room. She turned on the air conditioning on her way out, hoping that the room would be cool enough for her to find some sleep later today. Having cancer would probably be easier if it was winter, but she hadn’t had a say in that.

Felicity headed to the gym, something she had never thought she’d be able or willing to say about herself. She didn’t like sports. Since, apparently, she had been writing in her bucket book that she wanted to learn self-defense, Oliver had asked John to teach her a little bit of that.

When she entered the air-conditioned gym, John was already standing on the mats, looking at her with a soft smile that was rather in his eyes than on his lips. Seeing John made her feel better. He radiated this calmness and something else that made her feel like she was in some Buddhistic temple to meditate.

“Hi,” he said, “how are you feeling?”

“Not too good, but I guess I am still okay.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “I mean my symptoms are still mostly limited to headaches, muscle pain and twitching as well aggravated moving. It could be worse considering the list of symptoms a tumor like this can cause.”

“So it could be worse, but it could be better?”

“Yeah.” Felicity smiled through her exhaustion. “I hope it won’t get too worse too soon since I doubt that I will get any better in the next months or ever again really.”

John smiled a little sadly, but he didn’t say anything. There wasn’t really anything to say anyway. Agreeing was certainly awkward and denying was a lie. They both knew that, so Felicity appreciated John’s silence.

“So, you want to learn self-defense, Oliver told me.”

“Yeah, I was surprised by that too.”

At that, John chuckled. “We can eat ice cream together if you want to.”

“Don’t tempt me.”

Felicity doubted that she would keep the ice cream inside, but feeling the cold melting on her tongue was a tempting idea. Oliver had organized this for her though, and she knew how much this meant to him. He was so happy and proud of what he was doing for her. She didn’t want to disappoint him although she knew it was stupid. The first person to understand that she might not be able to do what she wanted to do was Oliver.

The thought of Oliver made her stomach tightened slightly. She hadn’t seen him today. He had headed out early today because he had to organize some things as he had told her. Felicity had asked what exactly he was organizing, but he had just kissed her cheek and told her that it was part of another surprise.

Oliver was putting so much time and energy into making those wishes that she didn’t even remember anymore come true. He had skipped work these last nights again, telling her that he’d rather be here with her and everything at the club was handled anyway. Felicity wasn’t sure if that was true.

Of course she appreciated all the ways Oliver tried to take care of her and cheer her up. It was incredibly sweet and more than she could have possibly hoped for. Everything that was different from spending time in a hospice where everyone around was dying too and there was no opportunity to avoid death was more than she could have hoped for.

“Did Oliver talk to you about the situation?” Felicity asked eventually. “Do you know how he is holding up?”

“The real question here is how you are holding up.”

John’s question made Felicity sigh. She knew that he was right. She was the one with the health problems, so she should focus on herself. It was easier to think about Oliver though because that way she didn’t have to face that she couldn’t do anything to make herself feel better. He was the one she could help getting better.

“I have made my peace with an early death when I was seven years old,” Felicity explained, shrugging her shoulders, “so I am okay with that.”

“That’s a really sad thing to say.”

Kids shouldn’t face death. Most kids didn’t even understand the concept of it until much later. Felicity had needed to understand it, so she wouldn’t have to fear it. Knowledge and understanding, for her, had always been the best protection from fear.

Again, Felicity just shrugged her shoulders. “I think that, for me, it was easier like that. That way, I wasn’t afraid of finding out that I have cancer again. I wasn’t afraid of dying. I was also willing to take risks because I wasn’t sure how much time I would have.”

“It’s bolt.”

Bolt. Crazy. Stupid. Felicity wasn’t sure. She had heard all of those reactions already, and she understood each one really.

“I don’t know.”

“I know,” John said firmly, “I know for the both of us.”

Felicity smiled in silent gratitude. After all the time people had told her that she was selfish and cowardly for choosing not to try therapy, it was a good feeling. She doubted that there was anyone who was rather selfish and cowardly than bolt.

“Should we get started?”

“Yes.” Felicity nodded. “I guess we start with a warm-up?”

“Basic rule for every sport,” John replied with a smile, “so, as long as you get a chance, you should also warm up before self-defense.”

“If only the criminals would respect that.”

John smiled. “Don’t worry, I am responsible for the security of this house and everyone living here. I am not planning on letting you get into any kind of situation where you would need self-defense.”

Felicity smiled back at him. Starling wasn’t really that dangerous, at least if you avoided some streets and corners where crimes occurred rather often. Even if John wasn’t looking out for her, Felicity doubted that anything would happen to her. Still, it was a nice thing to know that he’d protect her.

They started with stretching. John showed her small movements and postures to warm up her muscles, and she imitated them.

“So, why self-defense?” John asked her casually while they were warming up. “Do you remember why you added that to your list?”

“I think I did because I felt so helpless,” Felicity told him quietly, “when I was sick the first time. I mean I was a seven-year-old, lying in that giant hospital bed while I was surrounded by machines and doctors. It was scary, scarier than death I guess.”

John looked at her closely. His head nodded slowly, but Felicity wasn’t sure if he intended for that to happen. She doubted it actually.

“I was lying there, letting the therapy happen to me, but I couldn’t really do anything about it.” Felicity remembered the long weeks of waiting for good news, not that she had understood much of what the doctors had said back then, but she had been able to read on her mother’s face whether there were good or bad news. “It was terrible because it only increased my feeling of helplessness. I know that self-defense won’t be able to help me against the sickness, but I hope that it will give me a feeling of power. At least a little.”

“Sounds like a good plan.”

Felicity smiled briefly, continuing to think about how people talk about fighting cancer with chemotherapy or other stuff. For her, there had never really been a chance at fighting it. Nothing she could have done would have helped fighting it away. It would have just prolonged the time it needed to eat her alive.

Maybe if things were different and she had a family, like siblings or a husband or even kids, she would have gathered all the courage and energy she had had to try therapy. Maybe. They would never know.

Siblings. The words made her think of Oliver again. No matter how much she tried, she just couldn’t stop worrying about him.

Back when Thea had died, he had been so heartbroken. Felicity had never been more afraid for him than back then. She had actually feared that he was going to hurt himself. He might not have intently taken a knife and cut his wrists, but he had been so uncareful with his life. Like he didn’t care what would happen with him at all.

“What are you thinking about?”

Only now Felicity realized that she had stopped stretching to look at her twitching fingers. It wasn’t just a twitching and more of a shaking by now. With a lot of focus, Felicity managed to keep her hand still at least for some seconds though.

“About Oliver,” Felicity replied eventually, looking at John, “I am worried about him.”

This time, John didn’t tell her to focus on herself. Felicity guessed that he knew that she had no control about it. Her thoughts would go back to him again and again because he was the closest to family that she got.

“I am afraid that, for him, losing me will be like…”

“Losing Thea?” John asked when Felicity didn’t continue. “Because that is what it will be like.”

Felicity lowered her eyes, feeling her chest tightening. She almost wished that she hadn’t said anything. That way, she could have pretended like it might have been different. She could have told herself that she was overestimating the role she was playing in Oliver’s life. When John believed that it was true, there was no good in denying it. He knew Oliver as well as she did, maybe a little bit better or maybe a little bit less. Felicity couldn’t say it with certainty.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have moved in here.”

Another thought that just refused to let go of her. She was going back and forth between thinking that it had been the best she could have done and the worst she could have done. She still hadn’t decided which one it was. Maybe it was something in between.

“You are giving them time to say goodbye,” John told her, “which is a good thing.”

“Oliver is helping me to tick off things from my bucket list as his way of saying goodbye to me.” Felicity smiled fondly. “I guess he can’t just sit around and wait either.”

“At least in that, Oliver and I are very similar.”

“I think you are very similar to each other in a lot of things,” John replied, “despite how different you two appear to be at times.”

Felicity smiled. She guessed that John was right.

“It’s a good thing that he has something to do,” John told her, “It’s important for him.”

“Oliver goes insane when he has nothing to do,” Felicity agreed with a slight nod of his head, “or nothing to think about.”

Helping her to work on her bucket list was what he needed to keep sane. It gave him something to focus all his thoughts and all his actions on. Maybe it wasn’t exactly healthy, but it gave him some time to process before he broke down.

At least that was what Felicity told herself.

“It’s a lot, isn’t it?” John sighed quietly and shot her a soft smile. “All of this really is a lot, isn’t it?”

Felicity nodded her head. “I try to process it in little steps. It seems to make more sense than trying to understand it all in one go. Like you said it’s a lot, too much probably.”

John nodded his head and put his hand to her shoulder. This strong hulk of a man looked like he could crack necks with a snip of his fingers. He probably could, at least physically. Inside, he was so very soft. He was full of empathy and kindness. It was so admirable.

“John?”

He perked up his eyebrows slightly. “Yes?”

“You will take care of him and the Queens when the time comes, right?” Felicity asked and felt her throat burning from the tears that were welling in her eyes. “You will take care of Robert, Moira and Oliver, right? Especially Oliver.”

There was a heavy moment as she looked at John pleadingly. They didn’t know each other too well. They mostly knew each other through Oliver. That was enough for Felicity to know that he was a great guy and a true friend. He was the rock Oliver would need after she had passed away.

John’s jaws tensed at question. He looked at her intensely, taking in a deep breath. His shoulders and chest seemed to tense too. He wasn’t comfortable with this question, at least not really. Felicity got it. It was a lot to ask.

“Please.”

It was barely visible, but John nodded his head, agreeing to it. He would do what she had asked, being the rock Oliver and his parents would need because she wouldn’t be able to do it anymore. It was probably the most painful part of all of this.

A single tear slipped out from the corner of her eye and rolled down her cheek. Felicity wiped it away quickly.

“Thank you,” she whispered, “thank you, John,”

* * *

**FS:** Exhausted, but feeling great. Thank you for all of this. :)

Oliver smiled at the photo Felicity had sent him. She was holding up her hands that were wrapped into thick boxing gloves. John was resting his chin on her shoulder. Both of them smiled into the camera.

With a low sigh, Oliver thought once more about how much he would like to be there with them. The selfish part in him, the one that wanted to put his own wishes and needs over everything else, had wanted to be the one to teach Felicity self-defense. He would have enjoyed spending so much close time with her and seeing her in action because he knew how competitive and ambitious she was if she wanted to learn something new. Oliver had known that John was the better choice though. He knew a lot more about self-defense, and he was probably a better teacher too.

With that thought in mind, he had figured that he could use the time to get some planning done. Once Felicity had ended her class of self-defense, there would still be eight wishes left on her list. He had specific ideas for some of them, knowing how to make them happen soon. Some other ideas would need assistance, but he knew how to get it.

It was the very last wish on her list, getting married, that stressed him out a little bite. A wedding was not a small thing to organize. While he doubted that Felicity wanted a party with a hundred guests and fancy food, Oliver wanted it to be perfect. A wedding was important, no matter how shortly the marriage would get to last.

Oliver stared at the plain white door in front of him, telling him that he was making the right choice with this. He was doing what was best for Felicity and what she would want to be done. It didn’t matter that it wasn’t what he wanted to be done.

Taking a deep breath, Oliver straightened his shoulders and lifted his hand. He knocked at the door softly.

Patience wasn’t one of Oliver’s best qualities. He was actually known to be rather impatient. He guessed it was one of the faults that came with growing up rich and spoilt. Everything was done for you quickly. In Starling City, as soon as he mentioned that he was a Queen, everyone hurried to please him.

Several moments passed before Oliver heard steps at the other side of the door. He felt a little bit of disappointment. He had almost hoped that he wouldn’t meet anyone. That way, he would have had all reason to go back to the mansion and start aiming for his backup plan, the one he would actually like to follow.

Ray opened the door, unable to hide his surprise.

“Oliver.”

Oliver bit down on his tongue. In the few months that Ray and Felicity had been together, they hadn’t talked a lot. Oliver had done his best to avoid Ray. He had even gone as far as avoiding Felicity if she had been accompanied by him. That was how little he liked Ray.

Or how little he liked to see Felicity with any other guy as John had told him repeatedly. That didn’t matter right now though.

“Hello, Ray,” Oliver said, unable to hide his tension in his voice, “can I come in?”

Again, Ray seemed to be surprised, but he nodded his head and let Oliver in. On first sight, his apartment seemed as plain as Ray himself was. If Oliver would be asked to describe Ray’s apartment, he wouldn’t be able to do so. He had no idea what he could possibly say. Everything just looked incredibly average and ordinary.

In the back of his mind, Oliver knew that he didn’t have a neutral perspective on Ray. There was some truth in John’s words after all. He had never really given Ray a chance. From the first time he had met Ray, he had decided not to like him because he simply wasn’t good enough for Felicity. Nobody was.

It wasn’t really fair. Oliver knew that. Ray had never seemed anything but nice, and he had never been anything but good to Felicity. As far as Oliver could tell, Felicity had really liked him. She had always seemed happy around him.

She must have broken up with him when she had found out that she was sick. It would fit to Felicity as she had tried to move into a hospice to avoid burdening anyone with taking care of her. Maybe she had wanted to let Ray go before she was getting too sick too.

As they sat down in the living room, a small room that offered two couches and a table, but not much more, Oliver realized how nervous Oliver was. He was rubbing his hands over his thighs. The expression in his eyes showed how unsettled he was.

“Is she dead?”

Oliver didn’t understand the question at first. He was looking at Ray, frowning deeply. Who should have died?

Once it hit him that Ray was talking about Felicity, Oliver felt like he had been punched in the stomach. It took his breath away and made pain spread all through his body.

In a couple of months, his answer might be yes. He would have to tell people that Felicity, his best friend, rock and love, had died. Right now, he felt it even more than before that he was nowhere ready for that to happen.

“You knew that she was sick when you two broke up, right?”

Oliver’s voice was hoarse as he had trouble to hold back his emotions. His thumb was rubbing against the tips of his fingers nervously. Ray noticed it, but Oliver doubted that he understood the meaning of it. Felicity and John were the only people that knew that it was a sign of his own nervousness. They had been the one who had actually pointed it out to him.

“She told me.” Ray nodded his head. “We broke up a couple of days later.”

“So you left her although you knew how sick she was?”

Ray perked up his eyebrows. “Did Felicity say that?”

“She didn’t have to.” Oliver leaned back and crossed his arms in front of his chest, looking at Ray disparagingly. “It’s clear as day for me. You left her when you needed her the most because you didn’t want to be burdened with the task of taking care of you. You broke up with her because she was sick.”

Felicity hadn’t said it, and a couple of seconds ago Oliver had still believed that she had left Ray to spare him the burden of taking care of her. Looking at Ray now, Oliver just wasn’t sure if that was true. He thought too little of Ray to not put the blame on him first.

It probably wasn’t fair to Ray, but Oliver couldn’t help it. The idea that Ray had left Felicity to make sure that he didn’t have to take care of her seemed a little bit too likely.

If that was indeed true, Oliver knew that he had to ask himself what he was doing here then. It didn’t really make sense because the idea he wanted to propose to Ray, a big idea, needed that man to show remorse and empathy to the woman he had been in a relationship with lately.

“Look, Oliver,” Ray said with a low voice, “Felicity and I got along great. We followed the same dreams and virtues. We appreciated each other and each other’s skills. Talking about work with each other has always been fun because we have been completely in tune with each other when it came to work. We barely ever fought.”

It sounded like a relationship without stress, but full of boredom. What fun was there if you always agreed about everything? Having important discussions about serious things was keeping things interesting.

“We just realized that we weren’t each other’s great love.”

Oliver guessed it was the conclusion of what Ray had said before. Getting along well with each other was one thing. Being each other’s great love was a completely different thing. They didn’t even have anything to do with each other at times.

Before Thea had died, Oliver had had quite some girlfriends. He had gotten along well with a lot of them, but neither of them had been his great love. They could have had a good life together, but it would have never been fulfilling. There would have always been something missing, something important to be happy rather than content.

“We have been at a point in our relationship when we realized that we should take the next step or give up,” Ray added eventually and shrugged his shoulders, “so we decided to give up. It doesn’t mean that I don’t care for Felicity.”

Ray cared for Felicity, Oliver told himself, reminding himself once more that he had to do what was best for Felicity rather than what was good for him. He had to put his own wishes and needs on hold. They weren’t as important as Felicity’s were.

“I found a book,” Oliver explained, “full of Felicity’s dying wishes. She wrote them down when she was sick as a child and replaced the one that she already had fulfilled with new ones.”

It was obvious that Ray had no idea where this conversation was going. He was frowning briefly. Soon, he put on a polite smile though.

“That sounds like a nice thing to do.”

Apparently, although he had basically been living with Felicity for the last couple of months, he hadn’t known about that book either. At least that was something that could ease Oliver’s mind a little bit. He had been afraid that it was different, and Ray had known about that book when he himself had needed to find out about it himself.

“One of the wishes that Felicity wrote down was getting married.”

Ray perked up his eyebrows. Oliver could only guess that he and Felicity had never talked about marriage. Until he had read that wish in her book, he wouldn’t have assumed that Felicity would want to get married either. She had never mentioned anything like that. Her work had always been the most important part of work for her.

Oliver felt everything inside of him fighting against the words he was planning to do next. If there was any other way, he would try to find it. Since Oliver knew deep inside that there really wasn’t another way, he knew that he had to say those words. He would just have to ignore the physical pain they caused him.

“I know that you two have broken up,” he said, his voice hoarse from how little he wanted to propose this idea to Ray, “but that doesn’t mean that you cannot help making Felicity’s dream come true. You might not be each other’s great love, but maybe you loved each other enough to help here.”

Oliver couldn’t say the actual words. He couldn’t say the words _Please get married to Felicity_. It hurt too much.

The lack of directness seemed to cause Ray to need some time. He looked at Oliver with a deep frown, not understanding what he was asking of him. Oliver rubbed his thumb against the other fingertips, pursing his lips. Ray was supposed to be so smart. Why didn’t he get what Oliver was asking of him?

Oliver could almost see the very moment that it finally clicked with Ray. His eyes widened slightly, and his lips opened.

“Oh.”

It wasn’t the reaction Oliver had hoped for, but he got it. If he was asked to get married to one of his ex-girlfriends, he’d react the same way. Maybe that would be different if Felicity was his ex-girlfriend, but he couldn’t say. He would never be able to say because Felicity was never going to be his ex-girlfriend.

Pressing his lips together even more tightly, Oliver waited for Ray to process this idea. It wasn’t an easy thought to take in.

“I don’t think I am the right one for this job.”

Again, it was a comprehensible reaction. At least Oliver told himself that despite the slightly angry feeling that was spreading in his stomach. Getting married to Felicity wasn’t a job. It was an honor.

“Felicity and I have never been this close.”

Oliver shook his head. “You have been together for quite some time. Maybe it wasn’t enough to spend the next fifty years together, but it might be enough to do this. We are talking about weeks, Ray, weeks that I want to be great for Felicity. I want her to have everything that she wants to have to make this time more bearable to her.”

Ray nodded his head slowly. He was just as much of a nerd as Felicity was which caused the same expression of deep thinking to form in his eyes. Although he really seemed to be thinking about this, he shook his head eventually.

Oliver’s jaws tightened as his hands formed to fists on his thighs. He knew that he was asking of Ray, but it still annoyed the hell out of him. This wasn’t about their personal beliefs or dreams for the future. This was about Felicity and her dying wishes. That should be more important than anything.

Frustration was probably the word to describe how Oliver was feeling. A lot of wishes he had read in Felicity’s book were difficult for him to make true. He would have to run in quite some closed doors. This wedding had caused him a lot of headaches already, and he knew that it would put him through some more headaches in the next few weeks.

“Ray, I need your help here,” Oliver said intensely, “because I cannot do this alone.”

With a long sigh, Ray got up and paced up and down in the room. He had put his hands to his hips and lowered his head. His lips were moving like he was talking to himself, but Oliver couldn’t hear a single sound. From the way Ray was shaking his head, Oliver assumed that he wasn’t changing his mind though.

When Ray eventually came to a stop, he turned around to Oliver. There was a beat of silence that almost gave Oliver hope. Instead, Ray shook his head once more.

“I cannot do this,” he said firmly, “I’m sorry.”

Oliver really wanted to punch something right now. He wanted to make Felicity’s wishes come true, feeling like it was the only way he could help her to get through this time now. He just didn’t know how he was supposed to do that if things continued to be like this. He needed help of people who cared about Felicity, but, apparently, Ray wasn’t one of them.

The feeling in Oliver’s chest tightened. He had put all hope in Ray because Oliver wanted Felicity’s wedding to mean something. He wanted it to be with a person that she loved and that loved her back. It was the only way a wedding could really mean anything.

Yelling at Ray that he was a selfish coward wasn’t going to make things better. If he didn’t agree to get married to Felicity when Oliver asked him to, he simply wasn’t the right one to take this honor. He didn’t deserve it if he had to be talked into doing it.

Oliver sucked in a deep breath and got up. He straightened his spine and pushed back his shoulders. Ray was barely taller than him, but Oliver was glad that he stood some feet away from him. That way, Oliver didn’t have to lift his gaze to look him in the eyes.

“I will find someone else who is worthy of that position then,” Oliver replied, his voice sounding hard, “even if I have to marry her myself.”

Ray looked at him in a way that Oliver simply wasn’t able to interpret. He was looking at Oliver like he wanted to say something. Ray just didn’t seem willing or able to find the right words to say what he was thinking.

Oliver didn’t care. He didn’t want to hear what Ray was thinking anyway. He had proved to be as terrible as Oliver had always thought he was.

With one last meaningful gaze in Ray’s direction, Oliver turned onto his heels and left Ray’s apartment. He was back to zero, but he didn’t care. At least now he knew that it was the best for Felicity to find a back-up plan.

* * *

When Felicity was sleeping, she looked so content. Her facial muscles were relaxed, and there was the slightest of a smile on her lips. She looked beautiful, reminding Oliver of an angel though he knew that she’d roll her eyes about it if he ever said it out loud.

Since Felicity had moved in here a couple of days ago, Oliver had learned to love watching Felicity sleep. He knew he couldn’t stare at her when she was awake because she would catch up on it and ask him about it. He couldn’t have that.

Oliver felt his heart growing heavy. He had missed the chance of telling Felicity how he felt about her. If she found out now, she’d break all ties because she thought that she had to spare him the heartache. She was so selfless, willing to give up everything she wanted and needed for the sake of the people around her.

Felicity was such a wonderful human being, inside and outside. She was always friendly and kind to everyone. She didn’t care where people were coming from or what they looked like. If they had a good heart, and she could see that easily, she liked them. Knowing Felicity and having her in his life really was a gift to him.

It really wasn’t fair that Felicity of all people had to go through this. He wished he could take the burden and carry it for her.

His fingers brushed through Felicity’s hair slowly. She was the most important person in his life, the one he had said for years he couldn’t live without. She was everything to him and he owed everything to her. He wasn’t sure if he’d still be alive if it hadn’t been for her.

Felicity had helped him cope with everything after Thea’s death. She had been there, holding him while he was crying, letting him see the light at the end of the tunnel if everything had appeared dark around him or even just sitting in silence with him if that had been what he had needed. She had always known what he needed just with just one look, and she had given it to him gladly.

Who would help him cope with her death?

There were people who would try. His parents would try, and John would certainly do his best too. Neither of them was Felicity though, and neither of them held even half as much magic as Felicity did.

He just wished that he would ever have such a great influence on a person’s life as Felicity had had on his.

Continuing to look at Felicity, Oliver felt the truth hitting him, and he wondered why it had taken him so long. He was the one who had to marry Felicity.

Felicity deserved someone special, someone who knew what an honor it was to be married to a woman like her. She deserves someone who wanted to fulfill all of her wishes. She deserves someone who felt like the wedding mattered, no matter how or when or why it had happened. She deserves someone who loved her as much as people could possibly love each other.

He was that person.

He might not be very special. In his youth, he had certainly assumed that he was, but that had stopped once he had graduated high school and realized that he had just been a big fish in a small pond so to speak – a saying Felicity had taught him by the way. He knew that Felicity was an extraordinary human being, someone that every person should feel honored to know and even more honored to be married to. He wanted to fulfill all her wishes. The wedding would mean something to him.

Most importantly, he loved Felicity.

Felicity was the one for him. He had missed so many chances at telling her what he felt for her. He had been too shy to do so at first which meant a lot because he doubted that anyone who knew him would ever describe him as _shy_. He had been shy when it came to telling her because he had been afraid that she was going to reject him.

Today he regretted not taking this risk, at least a little. He would never know what Felicity had answered if he had told her that he loved her. With how sick Felicity was, he knew that he couldn’t tell her about his feelings for her now. She would only feel forced to distance herself, feeling the need to protect him. He would suffer from losing her even a minute before death took her away from him, but he’d suffer even more from knowing that he had taken her chance of being around the people she loved.

He couldn’t do that, so he would stay silent. He’d stay silent for her and, ultimately, for his own sake too. It was better for all of them. He could feel that deep in his heart because he loved her.

Oliver loved Felicity. He loved, loved, loved her.

When Oliver stroked his fingertips over her cheek, Felicity suddenly opened her eyes. The expression in them was a little hazy and unfocused. Soon enough, her eyes focused on his face though.

“Why are you smiling?”

Her voice was hoarse from sleep. It sounded lovely, touching Oliver’s heart. He wanted to memorize that sound.

Oliver wasn’t ready to share his idea yet. Telling her that he wanted to marry her right here, right now was not what he wanted for Felicity. He would take some time and make sure that he found the perfect opportunity to propose. He was going to plan a real proposal, one that proved to Felicity how honest he really was about this.

For now, he just shrugged his shoulders. When Felicity narrowed her eyes at him suspiciously, he quickly looked away. Slipping out of his shoes, Oliver crawled over Felicity and slid into bed behind her. Thanks to the air conditioner, he could easily snuggle up to her back without having to fear that they would melt away from the heat.

In the years that they had been friends, Oliver had Felicity had often shared a bed. It was why Felicity wasn’t surprised when he crawled into bed with her tonight. Instead, she snuggled back at him, making herself comfortable with her head resting on his bicep.

Holding her, Oliver rested his head on the pillow behind her and pressed his lips to the back of her head in a gentle kiss. Felicity laced the fingers of her right hand through Oliver’s.

“How was training?” Oliver asked eventually.

“A lot of fun,” Felicity replied, and he could hear the smile in her voice. “You should have seen it. You would have been so proud of me.”

Oliver smiled. “I don’t have to have seen it. I am proud of you either way.”

Silence spread between them once more. Oliver felt his tiredness washing over him. His eyes fluttered shut again and again, no matter how hard he tried to keep them open. He felt comfortable and fine with Felicity in his arms.

Only the feeling of wetness on his arm made Oliver stop and open his eyes once more. He frowned slightly, looking at the ceiling like he’d find a leak the water was dropping from. Instead, Oliver realized that Felicity was crying.

“Hey,” he asked gently, tightening his arms around her, “what’s going on?”

Felicity took in a sniffling breath. Her fingers tightened around his. She was looking for his comfort, and he was gladly willing to give it.

“I can’t feel my left arm anymore.”

The words were followed by a sob. It was the first time that Oliver wondered if Felicity was really dealing as well with her diagnosis as she had tried to make him and everyone else believe.

Since he knew that he couldn’t find out about it now and didn’t know what to say either, Oliver simply tightened his hold on her once more. He hoped she felt as loved and protected as he had felt all the times he had cried in her arms after Thea had died.

At the same time, Oliver felt his own heart sink. There was nothing worse in the world than seeing the person you loved being this devastated. At least for Oliver, it was the worst.

He would have to hurry up with fulfilling her wishes before it was too late for her to really enjoy them.


	5. Irritation

Remembering how his former best friend Tommy Merlyn had once told him that everyone could waitress, Oliver scoffed now. He was almost moving in slow motion to get the tray of breakfast upstairs safely. Every moment caused the precious porcelain to shake slightly, and some drops of coffee were already dropping from the pot.

Oliver wasn’t used to working as a waiter. He was actually used to people serving him since he had grown up with Raisa and a couple more employees in the house. When he had needed or even just wanted something, someone had taken care that his wishes were heard. Being a Queen had always meant enjoying all the luxury in life, at least that was what he had taken from his childhood and youth.

For Felicity, he was gladly forgetting all of the privileges and all of the luxury he was used to. If she needed a waiter, it was going to be him. He’d do it happily. Whatever he could do for her, even if it was something small as carrying her breakfast upstairs to her bed, he’d do it. There was nothing he wouldn’t do for her.

Arriving at her door, Oliver knocked at it softly.

“Come in.”

Oliver was surprised about the fact how quickly Felicity answered. He had assumed that she was still fast asleep since she hadn’t been down for breakfast yet. Usually, she was getting up earlier.

Balancing the tray on one hand, Oliver opened the door and stuck his head inside of her room. Felicity was sitting on the edge of the bed already. She looked tired and exhausted. She looked like she was in need of sleep rather than getting up from a night long of sleep. It had become a habit lately.

Taking a closer look, Oliver could see that Felicity had already moved one foot into the leg of her jeans. Since her left arm had refused to stop working a week ago, she had trouble to make her second foot get into the other leg though.

The sight broke his head. Oliver knew how much Felicity loved to be independent. All her life, she had done her best to know that she was going to be independent of everyone and everything. She had seen her mother falling apart at all the stress she had been burdened with after Felicity’s father had left. He had left his daughter and her mother without any message and without any money.

Donna Smoak had had to work several jobs at the same time to make sure that her daughter had a roof over her head and some good food in her stomach. It had been enough for her daughter to have a somewhat safe life, but it hadn’t been nearly enough to get her daughter the life that Donna Smoak would have wanted for Felicity. Despite her high intellect, Felicity had needed to go to public schools, and she had only been able to go to college when she had been accepted into scholarships.

Felicity had watched her mother killing herself slowly by working too much just so she could afford a good life for her daughter. She had missed all important appointments for check-ups with her doctors because Felicity had been everything that had mattered to her.

Watching her mother like that had told Felicity in young years already that she would never make herself dependent on a man or anyone really who could leave.

Now, on top of everything else that she had to give up, she had to bite back her pride and count on people to help her. Oliver couldn’t even imagine how hard that had to be on her.

“Hey.”

 _Hey._ He felt stupid for saying just that. It wasn’t a real greeting, more like a little something to say anything at all. Felicity smiled at the sound of that little syllable though. She always did because it was like a little thing just between them.

“Morning,” Felicity replied softly, “you brought me breakfast.”

“I did.”

Oliver smiled. He hurried to carry the tray towards Felicity’s nightstand. He put it down there, pushing it back as far as possible, so it hopefully wouldn’t fall down.

Taking in a deep breath, he turned around and smiled at Felicity then. She was holding his gaze, but her smile was rather hesitant. She didn’t want to ask, but she needed help.

Without saying a word, Oliver kneeled down in front of Felicity. He grabbed her ankle gently and guided her foot into the leg of her jeans. Once both of her feet had come out on the other end, she placed them on the fluffy carpet in front of the bed. With her right hand at Oliver’s shoulder to help her balance herself, she got up. Oliver pulled the pants up her legs and buttoned it.

His eyes met Felicity’s, and he could see the embarrassment in hers. She had trouble holding his gaze, feeling an urge to look away. Her cheeks were covered in a rosy color. Her lips were trembling slightly.

“I really need to hire a nurse.”

Felicity was chuckling about her comment, but it didn’t sound honest. It also didn’t reach her eyes. She could pretend to be amused by all of this, but she really wasn’t. Letting someone, even if it was Oliver, help her getting dressed was far out of her comfort zone.

“My mother is working on that.”

It wasn’t a lie. Once he had told his mother that Felicity couldn’t feel or move her left arm anymore, she had decided that it was time to find a nurse. She had already viewed some applications, but she did have high demands. Just like Oliver, she wanted the person to take care of Felicity to be perfect. Neither of them would settle for anything less.

“She told me that twelve people applied already.”

Oliver nodded his head slowly, but he didn’t say word. He knew that Felicity already knew why they had been rejected. Moira as well as Oliver had been too hard. They hadn’t wanted to give any of them a chance. Well, Moira had actually been ready to let three of them try, but Oliver had turned them down.

“Neither of them was perfect,” he simply said, shrugging his shoulders, “and I won’t let anyone take care of you that isn’t perfect.”

“And who will get me dressed as long as you haven’t found the right person?”

“I will.”

Oliver’s response was firm, and it came without any hesitance because he wasn’t hesitant to do this. He wouldn’t let anyone take care of Felicity unless he was sure that that person was capable of taking care of her. When it came to Felicity, the best was just good enough. He doubted that he was the best, but he was certainly better than a stranger.

When Felicity didn’t reply, Oliver looked at her face. Her lips were pursed and her eyes narrowed down on him slightly. There was something in her facial expression that told Oliver that there were things going on in her mind. There was always something going on there since Felicity always seemed to be deep in thought.

“What’s going on in here?”

Oliver tapped the tip of his forefinger against Felicity’s forehead. She had to squint to do so, but she followed the movement of his finger against her forehead. It was sweet, and it caused Oliver to chuckle.

Felicity had to blink several times before her eyes could focus on him again. The slightest brush spread on her cheeks, and she lowered her gaze quickly. With a long sigh, she sat back down on the bed. Her right hand pulled her left hand into her lap where she rested both of them.

She looked sad and that wasn’t something that Oliver liked at all. Hence, he crouched down and put his hands to hers.

“Talk to me.”

It took a moment before Felicity lifted her gaze towards him. She didn’t have to say anything for him to know what was coming.

“I know that we have had this conversation before,” Felicity said, “but I feel like I have to say it again. You cannot stop living to take care of me. You have to go out and meet people. You have to have some fun.”

Oliver sighed. They had had this conversation a couple of times already. Whenever Felicity got the impression that he was giving up too much of his life to take care of her, they had this conversation. It happened again and again, and Oliver just hated it.

He had tried to tell her again and again that it wasn’t about taking care of her. It was about spending time with her. She was his best friend and they had limited time, so of course he preferred to cancel or delay other events to stay close to her.

Felicity didn’t believe him though. In her mind, she was doing all of this to pay back the kindness she had shown him after Thea had died. She felt like she was a burden to him and everyone around. Oliver hated that too.

“Time doesn’t stop just because I am dying.”

And he hated that even more. Felicity’s selflessness was admirable at times, but it was annoying lately. He didn’t want her to think that life could just go on while she was dying or once she had left the living.

Time would certainly go on, but he couldn’t say the same for his life.

“You should try the scrambled eggs.”

Changing the subject was Oliver’s usual tactic when it came to this kind of conversations. He couldn’t tell Felicity that she had to stop talking like that. It would only intensify her belief that she was right, so she would increase the frequency and firmness in telling him to go on with his life. They would eventually get into a fight, and Oliver wouldn’t let that happen.

He picked some of the scrambled eggs with the fork and led it to her lips. Felicity pursed her lips for a moment, looking at Oliver intensely. She was calculating how smart it was to drop this subject now. At the end, she decided that it was the best choice he could make right now.

Oliver’s heart jumped in his chest happily when Felicity opened her mouth and actually took the scrambled eggs he had offered. He knew how much it took for her to eat anything, especially in the morning, these days. Raisa had trashed several plates of breakfast since Felicity had moved in here, but it had only increased her motivation to find something that Felicity actually felt able to eat.

When Oliver picked some more pieces of scrambled eggs with the fork and brought it near Felicity’s lips, she scrunched up her nose. She was used to talking herself into eating one fork, just to please Oliver or Raisa whoever was with her when she was having breakfast, but two forks might be too much for her.

At the end, Felicity took the fork. She needed a lot longer to chew and swallow the food this time though. It was why Oliver put the fork down and handed her the glass of orange juice instead. Felicity would have probably preferred coffee, but she had given up on it almost completely. It was making her nausea only worse.

“We are running short on time,” he told her, “so you should get dressed as soon as possible.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “Short on time for what? I didn’t know that we had plans.”

“I know,” Oliver said quickly, nodding his head, “because I didn’t want to tell you before I was sure that the weather was okay. It has cooled down though, so I think it’s the perfect time to go Christmas shopping.”

“Christmas shopping?” Felicity frowned. “It’s almost four months to Christmas.”

“I know,” Oliver said again and couldn’t hide a smile, “but maybe Christmas will be sooner than you think this year.”

Felicity’s frown deepened even more. She pulled her bottom lip between her front teeth, biting down on it. He could see that she was about to start another conversation about the little time she had left. She might not make it to the end of December when Christmas was happening.

Felicity decided to not say anything of that though. Instead, she put the empty glass down to the tray and pushed the blanket aside.

“I better get dressed then.”

Oliver nodded his head and clapped his hands. “Chop-chop.”

Felicity chuckled, looking back over her shoulder at where he was still sitting in bed, before she disappeared into the bathroom. Oliver released long breath. He would have to stay focused.

* * *

“You do know that you don’t have to carry all of this for me, right?”

Oliver shot Felicity a brief glance. For a second, he wondered if he should frown or smile. He decided for the latter, winking at Felicity teasingly.

“Of course I have to do so,” he told her, “because I am you little Christmas helper.”

“Like my Christmas elf?”

“I guess so,” Oliver replied and chuckled, “which would be a first for me.”

Oliver had been called a lot of things in his life, and he had been a lot of different things too, he guessed. Up until now, he had never been a Christmas elf. He had been called a Grinch one year though. Being a Christmas elf sounded much nicer.

Looking down at the many bags full of gifts that he was carrying, Oliver smiled. This morning had been utterly successful. He hadn’t thought that Felicity would be this fit to go shopping. The cooler weather seemed to help her in keeping energized though.

Looking at Felicity, Oliver smiled to himself. It was great to see her like this. She almost looked healthy. At least she didn’t look like death was hovering over her like a sword of Damocles. If it wasn’t for her left arm that was dangling down next to her body rather lifelessly, he could almost pretend that she was perfectly healthy. Almost.

The close Oliver looked at her, the more he could see how exhausted Felicity was. She had been up on her feet for the last three hours, not once taking a break to sit down and catch some rest. She had been okay with it as long as she had focused on finding nice things to gift to the people she loved. The exhaustion was crashing down over her now though.

“Why don’t we take a break?” he suggested.

“Sounds like a good plan,” Felicity replied, taking a look around briefly, “but we have to get into some side street. There is nothing here.”

“Maybe there is nowhere to get drinks or food.” Oliver put his hands to her shoulders and turned her around, so he could point over her shoulder. “Why don’t we do our break there?”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “In the library?”

“It doesn’t offer food, but-“

“I am not hungry anyway.”

Oliver had assumed that she wouldn’t be. She had lost a lot of weight since she had moved in with him because she simply didn’t eat much. When she did, she usually had to vomit later. It was something that Oliver needed to discuss with her doctor soon. He wasn’t sure if motivating her to eat, as he liked to do, was a good choice as it caused her to vomit more often. She couldn’t continue to eat this little either though.

“So, what do you say?” Oliver asked when Felicity didn’t give a real answer. “Should we go there?”

Felicity turned around to Oliver, looking at him teasingly. God, how much he had missed that cheeky smile on her face.

“You want to go into a library without anyone forcing you there?” She perked her up eyebrows. “And without any girl waiting there for you to devour her?”

Oliver pushed his cheek against the inside if his cheek and lowered his eyes to his feet. Felicity knew him so very well. He couldn’t hide anything from her, well, barely anything he guessed.

“One of your wishes,” he said eventually, lifting his gaze back to hers, “was to leave a note in a library book.”

Felicity’s eyes gave away the very moment that she remembered writing that wish down. The corners of her lips were twitching slightly before they spread into a full smile.

“We should definitely take that break in the library.”

“Then let’s go.”

Oliver held out his hand, and Felicity laced her fingers with his. Hand in hand, they stepped into the library where Oliver locked away the bags of gifts. When he turned back around, Felicity was looking towards the main area of the library. Thousands of books were spread over several floors in lot of tall shelves that reached from the floor to the ceiling.

A genius like Felicity just belonged in this place. It was obvious from the way her eyes were sparkling at the sight of these books.

Oliver stepped next to Felicity. “Ready?”

Felicity didn’t even turn her gaze towards him. She just grabbed his hand and nodded her head. Not saying a word, she started walking. Oliver let her lead the way, not saying a word or holding her back in any way. He went wherever she wanted to go, trusting her instincts. Felicity certainly knew how to orientate herself between all these shelves and books.

It took several minutes before Felicity stopped in front of one shelf. She looked around intently, skimming the book titles that were printed to the backs of the books. Oliver followed her gaze, trying to find out what she could be looking for. If there was any book about computers or technology in general, he would have known what she was looking for. There was nothing even remotely similar to that though.

“That one.”

Felicity lifted her right arm and pointed at one of the books. Oliver frowned, following her finger. He perked up his eyebrows when he discovered what book Felicity was pointing at.

“Really?” He looked at her skeptical. “That one?”

Felicity nodded her head, the smile on her face leaving no doubt that she was indeed sure what she was doing. She wanted that book.

With a low sigh, Oliver straightened up onto the tips of his toes and pulled the book out of the shelf. He held it in his hand for a moment, watching the cover, before he handed it to Felicity. She was holding the book in her right hand, her smile widening. She seemed to have made the perfect choice for herself.

“ _The Odyssey_ ,” Oliver said quietly when they said down at one of the tables, “why that one?”

Felicity smiled. Her hand stoked over the cover of the book almost dignifiedly. An almost reverent smile spread on her lips. Apparently, the book had a specific meaning to her. He couldn’t wait to hear.

“When I first had cancer,” Felicity said, “I read this book.”

If Oliver had been drinking in this moment, he would have choked on his drink. This way, he was only choking on his spit he guessed.

“You read _The Odyssey_ when you have been seven years old?”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders like it was the most normal thing that a person could possibly do. The little smile she shot him told him that she knew exactly how extraordinary that was though.

“Are you serious?”

“Well, I had a lot of time,” Felicity told him, “so I started by reading a book each day. The usual books for children bored me though, so I asked for other books. My mother had tried and failed miserably to bring me better books. A nurse eventually brought me this. It took me a couple of days, but I devoured it. After it, I only read classic books. They offered me a new perspective.”

“On what?”

“Everything.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders and smiled even more, a nostalgic expression spreading in her eyes. “Reading those books just changed everything.”

Oliver knew how much Felicity had always loved to read. It was one of her most favorite hobbies. When he visited her, he often found her immersed in a book. Sometimes, she was so busy reading that she opened the door, but immediately hushed him. He had spent half an hour waiting for her to look up from her page before saying a single word once.

Oliver himself was almost a little ashamed to admit that he didn’t read a lot of books. At least he was ashamed of it when he was talking to Felicity.

“I was supposed to read it in college-

“Which of the four colleges that you dropped out from?”

Oliver chuckled. She was being cheeky, and he loved that. He was missing that side of Felicity. “Anyway, I gave up after seven pages.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “Seven pages?”

“Yeah, counting from the cover.”

He scratched the back of his neck, while Felicity was counting the pages to find that he had made it to the first text page. He couldn’t say anything that would speak in his favor. He had just given up because giving up had been what he had always done when things had become complicated.

“I didn’t really understand a word, so…” Oliver shrugged his shoulder. “But I guess you, a little genius can tell me what it is about.”

“I could,” Felicity replied, shooting a brief glance to the woman that was working on the table next to them as she was throwing them angry glances, “but not here.”

Oliver nodded his head. He pushed his lips together and pretended to lock them with a key the way a child would do. Felicity smiled at that.

A low sigh fell from Oliver’s lips and he nodded towards the book. He could only imagine what note Felicity wanted to leave in the book. He knew that it would be personal because, otherwise, Felicity wouldn’t have added that wish to her book. Every single wish on that list was personal to her. He just knew that.

“Do you want a moment alone to write the note?”

Felicity smiled at him. “You wouldn’t mind?”

“Of course not.” Leaning over, he kissed her temple. “I actually have some things to do.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Oliver chuckled, shooting a glance at his watch. “We will meet downstairs at the lockers in thirty minutes, okay?”

Felicity nodded her head. “Okay.”

“If anything is going on,” Oliver added urgently, intensifying the way he looked at her, “you call me.”

“I am full-aged,” Felicity replied, “I think I can get alone for thirty minutes, unless the books start to attack us people for using them for entertainment.”

Oliver growled. He wouldn’t be surprised if the books attacked people someday. They held so much knowledge. Who told them that they weren’t going to use it against them one day?

“Don’t say that, or I will feel unable to-“

“Pssst.”

Turning his head around, Oliver saw the woman that had shot them angry glares before looking at them with pursed lips and an even angrier expression in her eyes. Obviously, she felt very much annoyed and disturbed by Oliver and Felicity’s whispers.

Oliver rolled his eyes slightly, and it caused Felicity giggle. She quickly bit it back though as the woman at the next table was already shooting her another angry glance.

If Oliver didn’t know Felicity that well, he might have continued to talk to her just to annoy that woman. Oliver knew that Felicity had been that annoyed woman a lot of times because she had always appreciated silence when she had been in the library. That was why he got up and kissed the top of her head instead.

Felicity chuckled quietly, leaning her head back. There was a sparkle in her eyes that brought so much life and light back that Oliver had missed in her face so much these past days.

“You are kissy lately.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows. “Am I?”

Felicity nodded her head. “Hm-hmm.”

Maybe Felicity had been right. He had always kissed the top of her head, her temple, her forehead or her cheeks when he had felt like it. Before Felicity had moved in with him, he had made sure to only kiss her during important events or whatever. He hadn’t wanted to kiss her too often and cause her to suspect anything.

It was harder to keep resisting those innocent kisses now though.

“I can show you how kissy exactly I am.”

Framing her face with his hands, Oliver started to pepper sweet little kisses all over her face. His lips brushed against her forehead and her temples. They took a path down her right cheek and over her chin to her left cheek. Then he kissed the tip of her nose which made her scrunch up her nose and squeeze her eyes shut.

Oliver pulled back a little to watch Felicity’s face. Her face looked completely relaxed in his hands. She looked so very happy that Oliver simply couldn’t resist.

Leaning down, he placed a firm kiss on her mouth.

Oliver could feel the surprise in Felicity’s reaction. She hesitated at first, almost flinching a little, which was why Oliver almost pulled back. Just when he wanted to do so, he felt Felicity relaxing against him. Her lips grew soft and low sigh fell from them.

Everything inside of Oliver was fluttering in the best way possible. He had wished for this so long, to just kiss Felicity the way that she deserved to be kissed. It felt so good, even better than he had assumed it would. He had never felt this way when he had kissed anyone, and he guessed it was because he had never loved anyone the way he loved Felicity. With her, everything was extraordinary.

Soon, too soon actually, Oliver pulled back and opened his eyes to look at Felicity. Her eyes were still closed. Her tongue stroked over the seam between her lips, wetting them. She looked so beautiful.

When Felicity opened her eyes, there was an almost hazy expression in them. Her eyes locked with him instantly, and it caused her cheeks to blush. It only made her look more beautiful. Oliver kept his hands at her face, stroking his thumbs over her cheeks, tracing the soft red color of her blush.

“Oliver, what-“

“I am very sorry.”

When the staff member of the library stepped closer, Oliver let go of Felicity’s face and took a step back. He linked his hands behind his back to stop himself from the urge of reaching out for her once more. His fingers were itching with the need to touch her again.

“We were too loud,” Oliver said immediately, smiling apologetically, “I am sorry.”

“Some people are working here, so I have to ask you to be quiet. If you want to talk, we have lounges in the north wing of the library and-“

“No, no,” Oliver said quickly, “I was just about to leave anyway.”

He looked at Felicity intently, trying to tell her with his eyes what he couldn’t say her in words right now. He hoped that she would understand, but he wasn’t sure.

Continuing to look at her, Oliver hesitated from turning away. He didn’t want to leave things like that, not after that kiss. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them. They needed a chance to talk about this.

“We see each other in thirty minutes.”

Felicity shot him a brief smile before she turned away. She grabbed the book, a sheet of white paper and a pen. Without looking back, she started writing.

Oliver frowned. If he wasn’t sure that he hadn’t been asleep, he would assume that he had just dreamed of that kiss to happen. Felicity seemed to have forgotten about it already.

Pursing his lips, Oliver turned around and left. Moving more and more away from her, he lifted his hands and touched his lips. He almost thought that he should be able to feel a difference there like her kiss had changed his body as much as it had moved his heart.

Stepping outside into the cool breeze, Oliver closed his eyes and took in a deep breath.

He couldn’t believe that he had kissed Felicity. Of course it had been long overdue in some ways as he should have kissed her years ago when he had first noticed that he was falling in love with her. On the other hand, he had always thought that it had been way too late for them to be anything more than friends. The last years had just changed both of them too much.

Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe they still had a chance if he just used the time they had left together.

With his hand already as the handle of the door, Oliver took a quick look around. No nosy reporters seemed to be around, so he quickly stepped into the shop and stepped to the showcase. He didn’t waste a glance at the exhibited pieces and looked right at the saleswoman instead.

“Hi,” he said with a nervous smile, “Oliver Queen. I-“

“I know. Just a second.”

The saleswoman flashed him a joyful smile before she grabbed her keys and opened some door in the back. She disappeared behind it, leaving Oliver to wait. With the strict gaze that the security guard that was standing at the door was shooting him, Oliver didn’t dare to move. He didn’t understand much of the offered goods here anyway.

Barely half a minute later, the saleswoman came back. Her smile was even wide now that she placed the small velvet box on the showcase in front of him.

“You should take a look to make sure that everything is exactly the way that you imagine it to be.”

Oliver’s hands were trembling slightly when he grabbed the box and opened it. The ring inside was rather small and inconspicuous, but he knew Felicity wouldn’t have wanted the kind of ring that would pull her down on the ground if she ever fell into the water. That was why he had decided on a platin ring that consisted of two strings that were intervened with each other in soft knots. They were holding a simple round diamond.

“It’s perfect.”

With a smile, he closed the velvet box and out it back down onto the showcase. He was going to make Felicity’s wishes come true and maybe his own too.

* * *

Summing the melody of a song she had just listened to on the radio, Felicity strolled downstairs. She wasn’t exactly hungry, but she was always joining the Queens for dinner if she was feeling good enough for it. It was fun spending time with the three of them together. It always gave her the sense of having a family on her own.

She couldn’t wait to hear Moira telling her which charity she was planning now while she was rolling her eyes about how some of her friends pretended like they were saving the entire plant with their charity. She also wanted to hear the latest news from Queen Consolidated, knowing that Robert always told her if there was something new to know and sometimes even asked her advice if he thought that she was fit enough to think about work. Felicity knew that Oliver only engaged in those dinner conversations because he wanted to do her a favor. He had grown up with these family moments, so he didn’t appreciate them as much as Felicity did.

Felicity crossed the large entrance foyer, shooting a look at the table full of photos like she always did. Oliver had been spoilt with a maybe not perfect, but certainly good family. He had grown up with both of his parents around. While they had surely been too strict at times and too laissez-faire at other times, they had been there when they had been needed the most.

Felicity didn’t have that privilege because her mother hadn’t had the luxury of being at home for dinner most days.

The thought made Felicity sad, so she quickly pushed it away and continued her way to the dining room. Stepping into it, she frowned though. Neither Oliver nor his parents were there. The table wasn’t set as she was used to it either. Felicity glanced at her watch, but she hadn’t been wrong.

“Ms. Felicity.”

Turning around, Felicity watched Raisa coming in. She was smiling softly.

“Raisa. Where is everyone?”

“Mr. and Mrs. Queen have gone out for dinner,” she told her, “and Mr. Oliver is waiting for you in the garden.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “In the garden?”

“Yes, he asked for dinner to be served outside.”

“Oh.”

Felicity couldn’t say that she was too happy about that. The cool weather she had been granted yesterday hadn’t lasted until today. The sun was back with full power. The sticky heat had kept Felicity inside all day.

“It was set up at the gazebo,” Raisa told her with a smile, knowing Felicity’s health condition well enough to understand what she was thinking about, “so it wouldn’t be too warm. It’s rather cool there. I brought out a blanket in case you were freezing.”

Since Felicity knew that Raisa wouldn’t lie to her, she nodded her head. She guessed that she could at least give the dinner outside a try.

“Thank you, Raisa.”

“You are welcome.”

Felicity smiled at Raisa before she went outside. On the terrace that was exposed to the fun completely, the unbearable heat felt like a wall she was running against. Her chest seemed to be unable to take in the heavy air for a moment. Felicity’s circulation didn’t react well to it either. She had to tighten her hold on the door handle and close her eyes for a moment.

She wished it was autumn already.

Once Felicity had her balance back, she crossed the terrace and took down the path towards the shadowy part of the garden. She would have run if she didn’t have trouble to put one foot before the other as it was. If she tried to walk even a little bit faster, she’d trip.

The walk was easier once she had reached the shadows. She strolled over the new path and a smiled when she saw the concrete slab that she and Oliver had designed.

Turning the next corner, she reached the small pond and the wooden gazebo that was built next to it. It just reminded Felicity once more how castle-like Oliver’s home was. If she was a little kid, she’d feel like a princess.

As Felicity stepped closer to the gazebo, she felt her heartbeat quickening a little. The wooden pillars that were holding the roof up were decorated with white and pink roses. The round table was set solemnly. A small bouquet of white and pink roses framed a candle that was put in the middle of the table.

Only on second sight, Felicity saw Oliver. He was standing at the banister of the gazebo, looking out on the pond. He was wearing jeans and a blue plaid shirt with rolled up sleeves. Although he had turned his back towards her, Felicity knew that he had kind of gotten dressed up, while Felicity herself was wearing sweat pants since they were the only pants that she could get into without help and a wide, white shirt.

Looking at Oliver in this scenery, Felicity bit down on her tongue.

She had done her best to not think about the kiss she and Olive had shared yesterday. It was too confusing to think about it. At first, she had believed that it was just a joke, one last big kiss to show how kissy he was. The longer his lips had stayed against hers, the more she had thought she could feel that he was really meaning it. Once their lips had parted, Felicity hadn’t been so sure anymore.

It was difficult to figure out what exactly had been happening there. She and Oliver hadn’t talked about it either which only made it worse.

Biting down on her tongue even harder, Felicity sucked in a deep breath.

There had been a time that she had thought that her bond with Oliver could go into a different reaction. They had been as close as they were now. They had told each other everything, and they had sought each other’s presence. They had even sought each other’s touches. Whenever they had touched or the lock of their eyes had lasted a second longer than was normal, there had been some heavy tension between them.

Felicity actually remembered that she had gotten all dressed up one night because Oliver had wanted to come over. She had believed that it was going to be their night whatever exactly that was supposed to mean.

Instead, she had waited at her home for several hours. When Oliver had called her eventually, he had told her that Thea was in surgery after she had had a terrible accident. She had spent the rest of the night in the hospital to be there for him and his family, and she had been with them when the doctor had told him that Thea hadn’t made it.

After that, everything had been different. The entire situation had been different. Their friendship had been different. Most importantly, Oliver had been different after that night.

Before Thea’s death, Oliver had been quiet, but happy. He had often been sitting with her and just listened to her talking. His eyes had been focused on her lips as he had just listened to what she had been saying. In those moments, it had been just them, and they had been everything that had mattered.

After Thea’s death, Oliver’s grief had caused him to grow a love for adrenaline kicks. He had been chasing through the streets on his motorcycle, not caring for red traffic lights or speed limits. If he hadn’t been riding his bike, he had been drinking or been drunk. It had been a horror seeing him like that.

One night, it would have been Thea’s birthday, Oliver had been so very drunk when Felicity had arrived at Queen Manor that she had decided to just put him to bed before she would leave again. She had put his arm over her shoulder and helped him sitting down on the edge of the mattress. When she had started unbuttoning his shirt to help him get rid of his clothes, he had suddenly grabbed her wrists and pulled her in for a kiss.

A shiver ran down Felicity’s spine at the memory. He had tasted of the drinks he had been drinking before. She had pushed him away gently, telling him that it wouldn’t be a good idea. He had apologized to her for kissing him, and Felicity had explained to him that he didn’t have to apologize. She just hadn’t wanted their first kiss to be like that. He promised her to do better before he had fallen asleep.

The next day, he had either been so embarrassed that he hadn’t been able to talk to her about it or he had forgotten all about it. Either way, that kiss had never been a subject between them again. Neither had whatever there might have been between them before Thea’s death.

A couple of weeks ago, Felicity would have certainly been open to talk about that after all. She had known that Oliver had just needed time to get back on his feet after Thea’s death. He had needed time, and she had absolutely understood it.

It was too late now though.

Felicity’s heart ached a little at that thought. Oliver still meant the world to her. Because of that, she didn’t want him to try initiate anything between them now. As her friend, he would suffer a lot once she died. As her boyfriend, it would certainly be a thousand times worse.

If Oliver tried to change the status of their bond now, Felicity thought to herself, she would have to pull the ripcord for its own good. She was selfish enough to use his friendship, so she wouldn’t have to die alone in a hospice. She could never be selfish enough to let him fall in love with her, just so she had the chance to explore what it was like being with him.

Felicity had an explanation to soften the blow for him somehow. She wouldn’t be good at it, but she would do it. At the end, she would have maybe a couple of months to live in misery. Oliver would have years of doing so.

When Felicity reached the foot of the three stairs that led to the inside of the gazebo, Oliver finally turned around to her. He smiled at her almost a little nervously. With some quick steps, he stepped towards her. He offered her a hand that she took gladly. Climbing stairs wasn’t her favorite thing to do now.

Oliver led Felicity towards the banister. Felicity understood now why Oliver had been standing here the entire time. The way that the sun mirrored in the pond, reflecting the rays of light and making the water sparkle, was just beautiful to watch. It looked like a little miracle, a miracle of nature.

Turning back to Oliver eventually, Felicity sat down on the banister and cocked her head at him. Her eyebrows perked up slightly.

“What is all of this?”

She nodded towards the decorations and the table. Oliver’s gaze followed the nod of her head. He took in the setting like he only saw it now. When he turned back towards her, his eyes locking with hers, he grinned though.

“It’s a surprise.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “A surprise?”

“Yes.” Oliver nodded his head. “You know, those pleasant things that should make people smile when they need it.”

“I do know what a surprise is.”

Felicity punched his shoulder with her fist playfully. Olive pretended to be utterly hurt by it, putting his hand to his shoulder and whining in pain. Felicity only chuckled, shaking her head. Sometimes, Oliver could be so perfectly ridiculous.

“So this is your surprise for me?”

“It’s part of the surprise,” Oliver replied, “the rest will come later.”

Felicity snorted. “You can’t possibly hold onto it for any later. You barely manage to wait longer than ten seconds to tell me anything.”

“You overestimate my need to tell you anything.”

Felicity grinned. She was almost sure that this was a challenge, and she accepted it gladly. Wrapping Oliver around her little finger and making him tell her everything she wanted to hear was basically one of her best skills.

Getting up from the banister, Felicity stepped in front of Oliver and tapped the tips of her fingers against Oliver’s chest repeatedly. He was trying to hide it, but he was already having trouble biting back his chuckle. His body was shaking from the laughter he was biting back.

“Tell me,” Felicity whispered, “you know that you want to tell me.”

Oliver scrunched up his nose, trying to resist her, but she could already see the walls he had been building up crumbling.

“Tell me,” she repeated.

Oliver pressed his lips together like he was trying to hold back the words she was trying to elicit from him. It didn’t take long before he gave up with a long sigh.

“Fine,” he said, “but this is all on you.”

“I will take full responsibility,” Felicity promised with a smile, “so tell me.”

“Oh, I am not going to tell you.” Oliver leaned in and brushed his lips against the shell of her ear. “I will show you.”

Felicity pulled back slightly, so she could look at Oliver’s face. She frowned at him, not quite understanding what he was trying to say.

When he suddenly dropped to his knee in front of her, Felicity’s heart skipped a beat before it started racing in her chest. She had trouble breathing. The blood was rushing in her ear, making it hard to hear anything. The entire world seemed to stand still.

“Felicity.”

Only he could say her name in that special way. It always sounded like he was saying more than a name. He was saying a magic spell or whatever. Oliver didn’t know for sure.

“For the last few years, you have meant the world to me. You have been my best friend, my closest confidant, my rock. You have helped me through the darkest of my days, and you have lightened that darkness by just being you.”

Oliver made a pause, and Felicity wondered if he wanted her to say something. There was no way that a single sound would fall from her lips though.

“Felicity Megan Smoak,” he said then, his smile widening when he pulled out the blue velvet box to reveal a diamond ring that was inside, “will you marry me?”

Felicity looked at Oliver intently, watching the expression on his face. He was looking at her so urgently. He almost looked like a man that was really in love with a woman and wanting to get married to her. His lips were spread into a hopeful smile, a smile that said that he wanted his proposal to be accepted.

There was a terrible turmoil going on in Felicity’s head. The last few years of confusing feelings as well as the last weeks of irritating thoughts were replaying in her mind. Her gaze locked with Oliver’s even more.

It took her several tries. She had to swallow against the lump in her throat trice. Even then her voice sounded hoarse and unlike herself. Finally, a sound fell from her lips though.

“Oliver, what the fracking hell do you think you are doing here?”


	6. Anger

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I am so unfocused! I uploaded the wrong chapter last night (I skipped the actual chapter 6). So you get lucky with another one that you need to actually understand what is going on.

Still kneeling in front of her, Oliver watched Felicity’s face thoroughly. There was no denying that she looked angry. She actually looked more like a woman that had just been asked to have sex with someone for money instead of like a woman that had just been proposed to.

Oliver shot a nervous glance at the velvet box in his hand. The ring was in there, the diamond portrayed beautifully in the light of the sun. His own appearance, as far as Oliver could judge, was okay too.

Frowning, Oliver lifted his gaze towards Felicity’s face once more. She was still looking at him with an angry frown. Her nasal wings were blown wide. Her lips were pressed together so tightly that they were white. The expression in her eyes was throwing daggers at her.

To say that Oliver didn’t know what was going on was probably an understatement. He didn’t know what to think at all. This really wasn’t what he had expected Felicity’s reaction to be like. As unexpected as it might have been for her, she should have known that it was coming from the heart. Oliver hadn’t said anything that he wasn’t feeling deep within.

If Felicity had been chuckling while asking what the fracking hell he was doing here, Oliver would get it. He would be tuning into her chuckle. It was the anger in her eyes and in her voice that took him aback though.

Taking a step back, Felicity put her hands to her hips. She was shaking her head again and again. Tears of anger were welling in her eyes.

Seeing Felicity like that actually made Oliver wonder if he had been wrong. Maybe proposing to he out of the blue hadn’t been the best idea. With everything going on in her life, maybe she wasn’t ready to make a decision like that, at least not as long as she didn’t remember that this was one of her wishes. Only then she’d understand why he was proposing to her or at least what he was letting on about that.

“This… was one of your wishes,” Oliver said slowly, unsure if he wanted to explain or defend his proposal, “and I just thought that-“

“That what?” she asked, the news only making her angrier it seemed. “That this was a good idea? Are you losing your mind?”

Felicity’s voice was still angry. There was a low tremble beneath that anger though. Oliver knew Felicity well enough to hear it.

“I mean you do know that I am sick, right?” She put her right arm in front of her chest like she wanted to cross her arms and cocked her head at him. “You haven’t forgotten about that or about all the shit that is going down before that, right?”

So this was about her sickness. Felicity was feeling like she was a burden to him just by being around. If they got married, for whatever reasons, it would make him her next of kin. He’d be the person that was called if anything happened to her. He’d be the person to make decisions and take care of things.

“I am going to help you remember,” Felicity said when he didn’t reply right away, “I will lose the feeling and motion in my other arm and probably my legs to. I will be bound to a wheelchair. I won’t be able to control my bladder or my closing muscle. I will lose the ability to see, talk and other things, depending on how exactly the tumor is going to work. This is not a fun walk. I will be a wreck. I already am and-“

Felicity stopped, looking at him instead. There was a beat of silence, an almost painful silence really. Oliver could see Felicity struggling to say something. The words made her feel uncomfortable. Her shoulders tensed even more and her right hand formed to a tight fist.

“Is that why you kissed me?” she asked, her voice lowered to a whisper. “To make this story more… full-circle or whatever?”

“What? No,” Oliver replied vehemently, “I kissed you because-“

_I love you._

“-we were fooling around and it just felt right in that moment.” He shrugged his shoulders which actually hurt in his entire body, just as much as the words he added after that did. “It was just something we do as friends.”

Oliver couldn’t hold Felicity’s gaze. He lowered his eyes to the floor and stared at his feet. He felt terrible for lying to Felicity. He rarely ever did so because she was the person closest to him. He could be himself around her. It was still like that now, but he knew he couldn’t tell her what he felt. It would be too much.

When he heard Felicity taking in a deep breath, Oliver rolled his lips over his teeth and shot a brief glance at Felicity. When he found her eyes still on him, he lowered his gaze again quickly though. He could hear Felicity turning away from him, looking at the pond once more. Her shoulders were rising and falling evenly from the deep breaths she was taking.

Oliver pulled his bottom lip between his front teeth and looked at the ring in his hand. He guessed that he would have to convince Felicity before he got a chance to push that ring onto her finger. Hence, he got up and put that velvet box onto the table without closing it, so the ring was still visible.

“I’m sorry.”

He whispered the words although he wasn’t sure what exactly he was apologizing for. Maybe it was for ambushing her with this proposal. Maybe it was for not making sure that she knew that he knew what exactly he was getting himself into. If there was something that Oliver didn’t apologize for it was proposing in the first time.

When Felicity finally turned back around to him, leaning against the banister behind her causally, her eyes were a lot softer. She was even smiling at him although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. She looked sad or at least something like that. Oliver wasn’t exactly sure.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

She took in another deep breath, still looking at him gently. Oliver could see that she understood now that he had only meant well. She still wasn’t agreeing with him, but she started to understand. That was worth a lot already.

“I appreciate that you are trying to make my wishes come true.” Her voice sounded honest although her voice made it seem like it was a bittersweet acknowledgment to what he was doing. “This is getting out of hand though.”

Here they were again, Oliver thought to himself. He was prepared to have another conversation about how far he was willing to go to make her wishes come true. He had no regret, and he wasn’t shying away from anything. Felicity was his best friend and her last months on earth were way more important than anything else. Hs clubs were making money whether he was there or not. It didn’t matter.

“Oliver, I don’t have to get married.”

“It has been in your book,” Oliver objected, “and I know you well enough to know that you never wrote anything in that book lightly. Every wish has a history of its own. Every wish is important to you.”

“I wrote that down when I was seven years old.” Felicity’s arms tightened in front of her chest. “I didn’t know a lot of things back then. I dreamed of being a princess for a day, you know, wearing one of those dresses with the wide skirts, so I would feel like one of those princesses in the fairytales that my mother read for me all the times.”

Oliver didn’t know why, but he had trouble to picture Felicity as a classic fairytale princess. Most of them were waiting for men to save them or at least they weren’t taking an active part in their lives. That was what Oliver had always felt when he had listened to his mom’s voice as she had been reading fairytales to Thea back when she had been a child.

Maybe he just remembered it wrong because he couldn’t imagine Felicity aiming for something like that either. She wasn’t the person to lean back and let her life pass. She was standing up for herself at every chance that she got because she knew what she deserved and what she wanted from life. Maybe cancer was taking away from that though and that was why she had written that wish into her book.

“I have been single for most of my life,” Felicity told him, “and I have grown up seeing my mother being better off as single. Getting married is not a milestone that I need to reach for my life to feel complete. Marriages, the promise of always loving someone, are lies anyway because-“

“Okay, then why write it into your book?”

Oliver turned away from Felicity briefly to grab the book he had put on his chair. He opened the last page where the wish was noted and held it right under her nose to make her see that she had indeed wished for this to happen in her life. It didn’t matter that it had been years ago. It had been important enough for her to write it into her book.

Felicity looked at the wish for a long moment. Her lips were pressing together once more, and she sucked in a deep breath. It made her chest tighten and her muscles tense. Her fingers were rubbing together in that same nervous twitch that always came over him when he was nervous. Felicity was still looking at the book, almost staring at it. Oliver felt sorry for her because he could only imagine what it was like to read that you have once wanted something so bad that you didn’t believe in anymore at all. He doubted that he had ever experienced something like that. He couldn’t say that he wanted to do so either.

A low sigh fell from Oliver’s lips. His shoulders slumped a little. He closed the book and put it to the table. Stepping in front of Felicity, he took her hands and laced his fingers with hers. While she wrapped the fingers of her right hand around his, her left hand stayed motionless. It was a painful reminder of what she already had needed to give up because of her sickness.

“I know this is not the way that you imagined this to happen,” Oliver said gently, “and it’s not the way I planned to do this either.”

There was a single muscle in Felicity’s face that twitched at this. It was only for the break of a second, barely visible, before she just narrowed her eyes at him slightly. With held breath, she was looking at him.

“The reason I wasn’t around for your training lesson with John is that I visited Ray,” he told her, “because I wanted the person to get married to you to be someone who really loves you and a person that you love.”

“Ray and I are over.” Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “We always worked together well, but it was never… I don’t know… It wasn’t what I was looking for in a relationship, and it was the same for Ray. We didn’t fight. We just decided that it’s not worth holding on.”

“I know.” Oliver sighed. “I just thought that maybe you loved each other enough to make this make sense, but I guess I was wrong.”

Felicity nodded her head slowly. She didn’t look sad about the news. Maybe she and Ray had indeed been a lot more over than Oliver had been able to see so far. It was good for Felicity. Heartbreak was the last she needed in this situation.

“So you thought that you were a good pick?”

Oliver puckered his lips. He felt his cheeks reddening from a deep blush. That rarely ever happened to him, so he knew Felicity noticed it. The corner of her lips was twitching slightly, but it didn’t reach her eyes. Not even the possibility of getting the rare image of Oliver turning into a shy schoolboy seemed to amuse her. The situation was too serious for it.

The truth was that, if it was anyone else, he’d know that he’d be the worst pick as a groom. He didn’t particularly like weddings, and marriages weren’t something he pictured himself good at either. With Felicity, he knew it was different though. He knew that, for her, he could be everything she wanted and needed. It was Felicity after all.

“Like I said before, I wanted you to get married to someone you love and who loves you back. Since Ray wasn’t an option I had to rethink.”

Oliver was buying time. He knew that, and from the look on Felicity’s face he could tell that she knew it too. Unlike him, she didn’t know the reasons for that though. Or at least Oliver hoped so.

“I know that we are not a pair of lovers,” he said, “we are friends.”

Friends. The word sounded so hollow in his head now. Compared to the words that had almost slipped his lips a couple of seconds ago, it felt too little. It wasn’t enough to describe what he and Felicity were, no matter whether or not his feelings for her were official.

“Friendship is a form of love, isn’t it?” he asked, stroking his thumbs over the knuckles of Felicity’s hand. “I mean there is trust and loyalty. There is a deep feeling of connection. There is so much more than between one person and the next.”

There were no kisses – well, at least most of the times – and there was definitely no sex. Apart from that, what difference was there between their friendship and the love between a real couple? Oliver didn’t see any.

“We have deep connection that comes right from the heart,” Oliver repeated, realizing that this was indeed a good way to reason why getting married was a good idea, “and that is all that it takes for a successful marriage. Maybe neither of us really believes in marriage, but I still believe that we two together can show each other the meaning of marriage.”

Felicity wasn’t sure if marriages really worked. Neither was Oliver. Still, if they gave it a chance together, maybe it would work out. Together was usually the way how they managed to do things at their best. They were a pretty good team. This could be great.

“Let’s explore the marriage of love together.”

He was really good at this, Oliver realized. With all the words falling from his lips this spontaneously now, he was sure that he’d write great wedding vows in no time. The recording of their wedding ceremony would make everyone cry even years later, even him. Well, it would make him cry no matter what, but whatever.

Oliver knew that he and Felicity wouldn’t have a lot of time together. Their marriage wouldn’t last decades or years. They were lucky if they had some good months to spend together. Maybe it would only be a couple of weeks.

Either way, Oliver knew it was worth it.

“No.”

Felicity almost whispered the words. Tears were welling in her eyes again. Pulling her right hand out from between his fingers, she wiped the tears away before they could fall and took a few steps back until her left hand fell from his fingers too and she reaches the banister. Leaning against it, she crossed her right arm in front of her chest, holding onto her left arm with her right hand, and shook her head again and again.

“No way.”

“Felicity-“

“I will not let you do this,” Felicity whispered before Oliver could name a single reason more to tell her why it was a good idea, “no way I will let you do this to yourself.”

“Felicity, I-“

He took a step towards her, but Felicity lifted her right hand and shook her head once more. She couldn’t back further away as the banister was already right behind her. Everything in her body language told Oliver that she would move even further away if she could. She needed her space, so he stayed where he was.

He didn’t want her to feel urged into a corner, especially not by him. Her disease was backing her into a corner. He didn’t want to add to that feeling for her.

“Oliver, you’d be a widower in a couple of months.”

Widower. Oliver had trouble to feel connected to the word husband. It would certainly need some time before he would feel connected to the word. No matter how ready he was to get married to Felicity, calling himself or even just thinking of himself as a husband was still a little bit too much. Thinking of himself as a widower was a completely different thing though. It felt abstruse to think about being a widower when you couldn’t think of yourself as a husband yet.

“Thinking about it, I am sure that a lot of girls will be interested in you though,” Felicity said after a moment, her voice not sounding like herself at all, “because it makes you look like the gentle, loving guy that I have gotten to know. Girls, at least the kind of girls you like I guess, they love themselves a vulnerable man that they can comfort.”

Oliver felt a wave of anger washing over him.

That Felicity was talking about herself like she was already dead and didn’t deserve a single good thing anymore if it could affect anyone else’s life in any way. He impending death made her think that she wasn’t worth anything anymore like she didn’t matter at all. Oliver hated that feeling. He hated that he felt that way when Felicity was everything to him.

Instead of voicing any of that, Oliver swallowed the words. It wasn’t fair to fight Felicity on this. If she had chosen this to be her way of dealing with what she was put through, Oliver knew that he had no right to tell her otherwise. Everyone had to find their own ways of dealing with tragic moments. If this was Felicity’s, he’d deal with it.

“It’s a win-win,” he said with a chuckle that felt like pure vinegar was running down his throat, “right?”

Just the thought of being interested in any woman while Felicity was still alive or, even worse, once she had passed, felt absurd. How would he ever be interested in any other woman? How was he ever going to look at any woman without feeling the aching void that Felicity would leave him with?

Before he had fallen in love with Felicity, he had had a lot of affairs. He had tried to have relationships, but it had never truly worked. He hadn’t believed in love because he had never experienced it.

Since Thea had died, everything had been different though, and they were different against now that Felicity was sick. He couldn’t see himself going back to that kind of lifestyle, no matter what would happen in the next weeks. He knew what love was like now, and he wouldn’t settle for anything less ever again.

Looking at Felicity now, he could see that she was struggling. She probably knew him well enough to know that he was a suborn as a donkey. Nothing and nobody could talk him out of it if he had made a decision. That didn’t mean that she was exactly convinced of his idea yet. She still had her doubts.

“Why did you choose that wish?”

Oliver’s question seemed to surprise Felicity. She perked up her eyebrows. She let go of her arm, so they were both dangling down next to her body. She looked a little more relaxed than she had been before it seemed.

“For me, getting married to someone meant finding a person that you loved with all of your heart and someone who loved you with all of their heart.” Felicity smiled softly. “Just like you said before.”

Oliver nodded his head. Loving and being loved was the usual thought that came to a person’s mind when they thought about marriages. That was what everyone spoke about during the weddings. It was what movies and songs were created about. Love and being loved.

“It also meant having a family,” Felicity added after a moment, and her smile grew a little bit sad, “which was all I really wanted as a child. My mom was great, but she had to work so much just to make sure that we wouldn’t lose the roof over our heads. She was always away. As an adult now, I get it, but as a child, it just felt like I had even less of a family. I just wanted my mom and my dad. Since I couldn’t have them, I figured that having a family of my own was a nice alternative, and getting married seemed like a logical way to have that.”

Not for the first time, Oliver wished that he had known Felicity when they had been children already. She could have gladly become a part of his family back then already although Oliver doubted that she would have still wanted a family after she had gotten a short look at the craziness that was his family.

It wasn’t fair what Felicity had been through in her life already. She had lost her father young because he simply hadn’t been interested in her or her mother. She had fallen sick from cancer and spent months in a hospital. Then she had lost her mother too young and was now facing an early death too.

“Am I a part of your family, Felicity?”

Oliver’s voice was soft and low. It was barely louder than a whisper really. Felicity cocked her head in response, her smile growing even warmer.

“Of course you are,” she told him, “you are my entire family. You are everything I have.”

It was a sad statement because, obviously, Felicity couldn’t see that she had many more people who cared about her. None of them were as close to her as he was, but they cared about her nonetheless.

“You are the most important person in my life,” he told her instead of naming anything else, “and I would love to spend every moment that I can with you. You are my family, and I would love to make that official by getting married to you.”

Felicity pulled her bottom lip between her front teeth. It was a sure sign that she had doubts. He was finally reaching her, or at least it was what Oliver hoped. Hope was all he had right now.

“It could be cool,” he told her, stepping back in front of her and putting his hands to her shoulders loosely, “we could set all those goals for the happily married couples. I am going to be the husband that cooks for you all day and then holds your hair back when you have to throw up from eating too much. You are going to be the wife who will outdrink me when it comes to wine and who teaches me all the kind of stuff that nobody really needs, but that can easily be thrown into any conversation.”

“Like the fact that crocodiles can’t stuck out their tongues?”

“Like that,” Oliver replied and chuckled, “and I have no idea where you learn those things.”

“I love reading,” Felicity replied, “and I love the internet and I love reading on the internet. Hence, I have like a million different sources and those facts just stick with me a lot of times.”

“I know.” Again, Oliver chuckled. He tightened his hands on Felicity’s shoulders slightly then. “We are going to be the married couple that is going to take over social media and turn even the biggest ignorant of love into someone desperate for it.”

“We are so not going on social media with this marriage.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows and looked at Felicity urgently. She was puckering her lips in response, already agreeing with the question he didn’t dare asking out loud yet.

“Does that mean…”

Oliver didn’t dare to ask the rest of the question. He felt his heart stumbling in his chest excitedly. His brain would probably have to sit his heart down eventually and have a serious talk with it, but Oliver couldn’t care less right now. It didn’t matter that Felicity wasn’t getting married to him because she loved him and wanted to spend the rest of her life with him. She was getting married to him, and that was really all that counted right now.

Felicity’s smile still looked hesitatingly. That little comment before had slipped her lips maybe before she had really realized that she was saying. She scrunched up her nose slightly and released a hum that kind of reminded him of a low scream that she wanted to bite back.

Oliver took his hands from her shoulders and held out a single hand for her. He didn’t want to ask her again because the words – _Please marry me_ – were maybe too much. A single gesture that encompassed the same meaning, the question if she wanted to give him her hand to spend the rest of her life with him, would do much better.

Indeed, it only took a few seconds before Felicity released a long breath. She put her right hand into his and nodded her head.

“I’ll marry you.”

Oliver knew what her agreement to the proposal meant and what it didn’t mean, at least rationally. The tingling in his stomach and the uneven jumping of his heart was something he didn’t want to miss though. He had never felt this way, and no matter how stupid and irrational it was, it just felt great.

Quickly, Oliver got up on his feet and wrapped his arms around Felicity’s waist tightly. Lifting her from the floor, he swirled her around. Felicity chuckled, wrapping her right arm around his shoulders and hiding her face in the crook of his neck.

Only when he had reached the edge of the table, Oliver stopped and set Felicity back down. Unsure if she was feeling particularly dizzy tonight, he kept one arm wrapped around her tightly, so she wouldn’t lose her balance. He grabbed the ring from the table then and held it out for Felicity.

It took a second, but the moment Felicity’s eyes filled with insecurity, he got that she couldn’t just lift her left hand and have him push the ring onto her finger. Oliver shot Felicity a meaningful gaze, loosening his arm around her waist carefully. Felicity nodded though, telling him that she was okay and could hold her balance. Only then he let go of her completely to take her left hand and push the ring onto her finger.

“Wow,” Felicity whispered, “it’s beautiful.”

Oliver smiled and lifted her hand to his lips, kissing it, before he rested her hand on his heart. His eyes locked onto Felicity’s then.

“I will make you happy,” he said, “I promise.”

Felicity cocked her head and lifted her hand to the side of his face. Her fingers brushed through his stubble, and it made him so wonderfully content that he leaned his face into the touch of her hand.

“You already do,” she whispered, “so much.”

Unwilling to let her see the tears that were welling in his eyes, Oliver pulled Felicity into another tight hug. He hid his face in the crook between her shoulder and neck. His lips pushed against her skin as he breathed her in.

He really hoped that she was right, and he already was making her happy. Otherwise, there was just too little time left to change that.

* * *

This was one of the moments, Oliver realized while he was looking at Felicity’s face, that he would always think back to, wondering what it would have felt like if this had been real. Well, realer than it was, Oliver guessed since this was real already. It just wasn’t as real as it could have been if Oliver had found the courage to tell Felicity who he felt about her.

In the last sunlight of this warm summer evening, they were sitting on the porch swing. Felicity was snuggled to his side, her head resting on his shoulder, so he could easily turn his head and place gentle kisses to the crown of her head or her forehead. His left arm was wrapped around her shoulders, so he could hold her against his side. Her left hand was hold in his protectively, the ring looking all the more beautiful in the warm sunlight, or maybe it was because of the fact that it was at Felicity’s finger.

For along time, he had watched the ring, just admiring this sign of connection between them. The fact that she was going to be his wife and he was going to be her husband made him feel a thousand different things. Joy was by far the strongest of them.

Now, he watched Felicity’s face. She looked completely relaxed and utterly content while she was sleeping. He wished he could be in her head right now and see what she was dreaming about. Maybe she was already trying to imagine what their wedding could look like or their marriage.

This, just sitting on this comfortable porch swing with her and holding her while she was sleeping, was exactly what he had aimed for before Thea had died. He hadn’t just wanted to have sex with her which was probably the very reason he had known that it was different with her. Sex had been something he had thought about, but it had been the least of his priorities. He would have been happy if they had just gotten the chance to spend more time together and be closer than they had been as friends.

Oliver had been too afraid and too cowardly though. For a long time, he hadn’t dared to say out loud what he felt for her. He had been known for sleeping around and being a womanizer. He hadn’t wanted to misread anything he had been feeling for Felicity and breaking her heart in the process. She had been too important for him back them already.

He placed another kiss to the crown of Felicity’s head and rested his nose against her hair. He should have trusted his feelings for her from the first moment on, and he should have known that he was capable of being a good boyfriend if he really tried to. Maybe things would have been different then.

At least he got a chance to be her husband now. He could spend every minute of every day with her. He got a chance of making her even happier.

When a slight tremble ran through Felicity’s body, Oliver tightened his arm around her shoulders. He frowned at her worriedly, knowing that she was suffering from fever attacks from time to time. Felicity’s face looked indeed a little less content than it had before. As carefully as possible, Oliver turned on the swing, so his chest was turned towards her. She snuggled closer to the warmth of his body immediately. He tightened his arms around her once more, trying to embrace her in his arms as much as possible.

Another plus-side on marriage was probably that he had a right to know what was going on with her now. If anything happened to her, he had a right to know how she was doing. Maybe that way he could find a way to help her in the end.

If he didn’t get a chance to help her, at least being able to call her his wife was going to allow him to grieve the way he would have to if he wanted to truly get over her death one day. He doubted that it would ever really work out, but maybe he would get to a point when he wouldn’t feel like he was dying too. Until then, he could always argue that he had lost his wife and that was why he was grieving the way he did.

Oliver felt his heart aching. He hated thinking about the fact that Felicity was going to die. He had progressed the news enough to know that it was reality. She was going to die. It just hurt so freaking much knowing this that he didn’t dare to imagine what it would feel like when it actually happened. He really didn’t want to think about it.

Squeezing his eyes shut for a moment, Oliver took in a deep breath. Although he knew there was no running from the inevitable, he had to at least try to push that thought away for as long as possible. He had to focus on making her wishes come true as long as he could.

“Do you think they both fell asleep?”

“It looks like that, and what a great picture they make.”

At the sound of his parents’ voices, Oliver opened his eyes. His mother had already pulled out her phone to take a photo of them. Oliver was about to tell her to not do it, afraid that even the quiet sound of a photo being taken with the smartphone, but his mother shot him a strict glance. She wasn’t going to let him talk her out of that, so he turned his head and placed a kiss to the crown of Felicity’s head.

To Oliver’s surprise, the sound of the smartphone didn’t wake Felicity up. She didn’t even move a little bit. She must have been exhausted from the heat today and maybe from the proposal, their fight and their engagement. It had been an exciting day.

“How is Felicity doing?”

“Good, I think.” Oliver brushed his fingertips against her forehead, but she didn’t feel like she was running a fever. “She just fell asleep. It has been a long evening and-“

When a low hum fell from Felicity’s lips, he stopped and turned his head to look at her face. It took a moment. Her legs stretched out and she squirmed slightly. Within a few seconds, her eyes fluttered open. She looked confused for a moment, unsure where she was. Once her eyes locked with his, she seemed to realize what or rathe who she was sleeping on and tried to move away quickly.

“Sorry, I guess I just-“

“No, no, no,” Oliver replied and wrapped his arms around her quickly to keep her close to him, “just stay here.”

Felicity didn’t need any more convincing. She melted back against his body with a deep sigh, making herself comfortable on him. Her eyes closed once more, and it almost looked like she was falling asleep again. Oliver kissed the crown of her head. It made her smile before she turned her head, so her chin was resting on his chest. Her eyes locked with his. Joy was sparkling in her eyes.

Oliver knew that she remembered the decision they had made a couple of hours ago, and she was just as happy about it as he was now. It might have taken her a while, but she was looking forward to their wedding now too.

“That’s a beautiful ring you have there, Felicity.”

Oliver and Felicity both turned their heads to look at Moira, who had stepped closer. Her eyes were focused on the diamond ring on Felicity’s finger. Although she didn’t seem to trust her instincts, there was a little bit of smile on her lips. She did have an idea what that ring meant.

Felicity looked at Oliver, sucking her bottom lip between her front teeth and cocking her head at him slightly. He could read the wordless question if they were going to tell them. Telling anyone, especially his parents was making it real. There was no backing out from it after that.

Oliver didn’t want to back out though, so he smiled and nodded his head.

He helped Felicity to sit up before he did the same. Lacing his fingers through her, he looked at his parents then.

“Felicity and I are getting married.”

The reaction on his parents’ faces was priceless. They looked at him like he had just told him that he had done his doctorate. Admittedly, that was probably even less likely to happen than this engagement. Anyway, Oliver really wished that he had a camera with him, so he could take a photo to tease them for the rest of their lives.

While their reaction was amusing to him, it probably looked rather unsettling to Felicity. She looked at Oliver nervously. Her right hand moved to his wrist, holding onto it.

Oliver chuckled. “You are allowed to congratulate us.”

Moira and Robert exchanged a brief glance that Oliver knew exactly what it was supposed to mean. Both of them were asking if the other had known about this. Both of them had had no idea. They couldn’t have had any.

“I’m sorry,” Moira said, putting her hand to her heart, “I am sure that you were hoping for a different reaction, but you have to understand that this comes as quite a surprise for it. We had no idea that you were together.”

“Yeah, when did that happen?” Robert asked. “I had no idea either.”

Oliver had to bite back a chuckle as this seemed to be a moment where his parents’ personalities were coming out so clear. His mother wanted to get to the ground to this. She wanted to know everything, and she wanted to know it right now. His father, on the other hand, was more observing and passive. He simply adapted to his wife’s reaction, but he always left the lead to her.

Just when Oliver was about to answer to them, Felicity squeezed his wrist. He shot her a look to find that her eyes were focused on his parents. A slight blush had covered her face, but she looked determined to do this.

“The truth is that Oliver and I are not together.”

Moira frowned slightly. Felicity’s words seemed to have made her even more nosy about what was going on. She grabbed one of the chairs from the table and pulled it in front of Felicity. She reached out her hands and Felicity loosened her right hand from Oliver’s wrist to put it in Moira’s hands instead. Oliver tightened his hand on Felicity’s left hand in the meantime. He needed that touch.

“We never have been together,” she continued to explain, “and we never will be.”

Oliver bit down on his tongue. His hand tightened around Felicity’s fingers once more. He didn’t like to hear this although he knew it was true.

“It’s a fact that Oliver and I are as close as two people can be though.” She shot him a brief smile at that, and Oliver lifted her hand to his lips, kissing the palm of it. She soon turned back to Moira. “Getting married seemed like a good idea.”

Moira didn’t seem exactly satisfied with that answer yet. She was narrowing her eyes at Felicity slightly. She seemed to know that there was more to it.

“I want to be Felicity’s next of kin if anything happens to her,” Oliver added quickly because he really didn’t want Felicity to feel urged into some corner where she felt like she had to tell his parents that getting married was one of the wishes in her book. They probably wouldn’t understand it anyway. “I want to get all the information if anything happens to her, and I want to get the opportunity to be with Felicity through it all.”

“By being her husband?”

His mother didn’t sound exactly convinced. She was a person, who – despite how pragmatic and rational she seemed at times – believed in true love. She had married Robert because she had fallen in love with him and because she had known that he had loved her. Despite all the problems his parents had had in their lives, they had always loved each other.

There was a part of Oliver that wished he could tell his mother that he loved Felicity now. He knew that she’d understand why he was doing that far more easily if he told her. With Felicity sitting right there next to him, thinking he way getting married to her as a sign of their deep friendship, he knew he couldn’t do it though.

“Yes,” Oliver simply replied instead, “by being her husband.”

Once more, Robert and Moira shared a long look. This time, when they looked back at Oliver and Felicity, they were smiling though. Moira was the first to get up and spread her arms.

“Well, in that case, I’d say congratulations.”

Oliver could feel a heavy weight falling from his chest as he felt relieved that his parents were finally stopping to interrogate them and just accepted their decision instead. From the corner of his eye, he could see Felicity’s shoulders slumping a little at the feeling of relief too.

Oliver got up and let his parents hug him. Felicity followed after him.

“Of course I can help with everything,” Moira said as soon as she had let Felicity go from the hug and put her hands to her future daughter-in-law’s shoulders instead, “I guess you want the wedding to take place soon?”

“Yes,” Oliver replied, “as soon as possible really.”

They didn’t have any time to lose.

“Don’t worry, Honey,” Moira said without even as much as looking at Oliver, “I love weddings, and I am great at planning events. We two beautiful will do this together.”

Just like that, the wedding had become Felicity and his mother’s. He was no longer a real part in this. All he had to do and was allowed to do was showing up at the right time and say “Yes, I do”. Maybe, given all the wishes that were still on Felicity’s list, it was better that way. His mother would certainly keep Felicity entertained, and he could work on the rest of the wishes that were on her list.

“I guess you two would like a rather small wedding,” Moira said, “which I agree is the best choice to make here.”

Oliver nodded his head in silent agreement, grateful that his mother wasn’t pushing him to have one of those big media-effective weddings. He had always thought that that was what his mother was aiming for when it came to his wedding. He guessed that, considering the circumstances, she knew that a big wedding was not making any sense, or maybe Oliver had done her wrong a lot of times. He probably had.

“We will create a small reception in some nice place, maybe out in the open if it’s not too hot with only your closest friends around. It’s going to be simple, but beautiful – casual, but elegant.”

His mother was right in her element it seemed. She had let go of Felicity and turned half away from her, looking at nothing in particular with empty eyes. Oliver was sure that she already had half of the wedding planned out in her head and saw it in front of her eyes which made it easy for him. Unsure if Felicity felt just as pleased about the help that his mother was more or less trying to enforce on them, he shot her a brief look and felt his heart sinking into his stomach.

Felicity’s face was almost white. A fine layer of sweat that covering her face. Her lips were pressed together tightly and her eyes widened slightly. She looked like she wasn’t breathing. The thick vein at the side of her neck was pulsating wildly.

“Hey, you should sit down and-“

Oliver had just brushed his fingers against her shoulder when Felicity’s head ripped back with a desperate gasp for air. Her knees gave in. Her body fell to the floor, heavy spasms running all the way through it.

As quickly as possible, without really thinking about it, Oliver dropped to his knees. His hands were already hovering over Felicity’s body, aiming to pull her towards him and hold her in a weak attempt of protecting her, but he faltered. He had read about that seizures. He had read about what to do. He just didn’t remember it anymore.

With held breath and feeling completely helpless, Oliver just watched Felicity. If he felt this helpless, he had no idea how helpless she had to feel.

What was he supposed to do?

“Turn her onto her side.”

Oliver shot a look back over his shoulder to where his father was standing, his phone pressed to his ear as he seemed to be calling an ambulance. That was something Oliver should have thought about. Why hadn’t he?

“Oliver,” his father said more firmly now, “turn her onto her side.”

Oliver did as asked of him. He put a hand to Felicity’s shoulder and one to her hip. He turned her towards her then and held her like that. Her body continued to shake beneath his hands though, and it just broke Oliver’s heart even more.

“Stay strong,” he whispered, leaning his lips against her ear, “hold on. I am here. I am here.”

He whispered the words over and over again, reassuring Felicity that everything was going to be okay. Or maybe it was to reassure himself. He wasn’t sure.


	7. Overwhelmingness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I UPLOADED THIS AS CHAPTER 6 AT FIRST, BUT THAT IS WRONG. IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN CHAPTER 7 FROM THE START. PLEASE READ CHAPTER SIX EVEN IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ THIS. IT WILL TELL YOU HOW FELICITY GOT INTO THE HOSPITAL.
> 
> I am so, so sorry! If you have read any of my stories, you know that I rarely ever let anyone wait. I always do my best to post weekly, and I usually succeed. I had finished writing this story even before I started posting it. Unfortunately, I was hit by a terrible writer's block. I still have trouble writing to be honest. Posting shouldn't be a problem, but I wasn't even feeling that. I do post now because I hope that it will remind me of how much I love writing. I need my fire back, and I hope this helps me. 
> 
> Again, sorry for the long wait, especially after the last chapter.

Sitting behind his desk, Oliver tapped the end of his pen against the top of the table repeatedly. It created an annoying noise that Oliver would like to switch off, but he couldn’t stop tapping the end of his pen against the table. He needed that movement to deal with his nervousness as his eyes were glued to the framed photo that was sitting on the edge of the desk. It had been there for years, but it had almost become invisible at one point. He hadn’t paid much attention to it because he had taken it for granted, just like everything the photo stood for.

Oliver dropped his pen to the top of the table and grabbed the photo. Leaning back, he looked at the photo more thoroughly. It had been taken in July before Thea had died. He and Felicity had been in California to hike together. That day, it had been incredibly hot and they had barely made it to their destination, but they had succeeded at last. They had taken a selfie then, smiling at each other while their arms were wrapped around each other.

Looking even more closely, Oliver could see the love in his own eyes. There was a deep joy there that came right from his heart, and everything about him showed how much the woman in his arms meant to him. Back then, he had been so deeply in love with Felicity already. Through the years, it had never become less. It had only grown into more and more. He just hadn’t been ready to admit it to himself and now it was too late.

No matter how much he had tried to push the memories away, he saw the scene that had happened two days ago flashing in front of his eyes again and again. When he closed his eyes, he was felt himself being caught in that horrible moment again. It was why he didn’t dare to close his eyes anymore. He felt haunted enough by what had happened already.

Felicity had looked so helpless when she had collapsed. She had lost all control about herself, and all he had been able to do was stand back and watch. He hadn’t been able to help her.

It had only taken eight minutes until the ambulance had arrived, but it had felt like an eternity. Every second really had been an eternity of its own. Felicity had had trouble breathing since the seizure must have affected her muscles of respiration too. It had almost felt like she was dying right there. He had never been more afraid.

Once the paramedics had arrived, her condition had been stabilized rather quickly. She had been unconscious, but she hadn’t cramped anymore. They had taken her to the hospital, and, since he was her fiancé, he had been allowed to come with them. In the hospital, another period of waiting had started until Oliver had been allowed to see her eventually.

Being Felicity’s fiancé had already paid off. He had been allowed to go with her to the hospital, and he had been allowed to see her although the doctor had said that she needed a lot of rest. He had stayed with her the entire night, just holding her hand and watching her sleep. That way, he had been there when she had woken up. He had been the first she had seen when she had woken up.

Oliver closed his eyes for a long moment and took some deep breaths. He knew that he had to focus on the only thing that mattered now and that was that Felicity was already doing a lot better. Her doctor had checked her through thoroughly and prescribed her some pills that should help to prevent such seizures in the future. She could come back home in a couple of days, but the doctor – Oliver couldn’t remember her name – wanted to use the chance of having Felicity in the hospital to do some more tests. He had eventually convinced Felicity to do it.

He should be with her, Oliver thought for the umpteenth time since he had left her hospital room a couple of hours ago. He shouldn’t have left, no matter how much energy Felicity had put into convincing him to go home. Of course she had been right when she had told him that he needed some rest too, and sleeping in an uncomfortable chair two nights in a row was not going to be good for his back.

The moment he had closed the door behind him, Oliver had already felt like he shouldn’t be doing it. He shouldn’t leave her, but he had been too tired to fight her on it once more. The hours he had spent worrying about her had just left him physically and emotionally exhausted.

Felicity’s condition was going to become better. She was not going to be okay, but she was going to recover from the seizures.

With a long sigh, Oliver put his elbows to the desk and dropped his face into his hands. He squeezed his eyes shut. Although he could see Felicity’s wide eyes looking at him with panic once more, Oliver kept them squeezed shut. Taking in some deep breaths, Oliver breathed against the memories. They didn’t disappear, but they felt a lot less threatening.

Felicity couldn’t die. Not yet. He needed more time. He hadn’t had a chance to make all her wishes come true. He had promised he to make them happen, but how was he going to do that if that much time was taken from him?

“She needs to be okay,” Oliver whispered, “I need more time. So much more time.”

He repeated the words again and again, feeling the words overwhelming him as he started processing their meaning. He would never have enough time with Felicity. Even if they got the months that the doctor had promised her when he had diagnosed her with cancer, it wasn’t enough. No span of time could possibly be enough to prepare himself of losing her.

By the time a low knock occurred from the door, tears were streaming down Oliver’s face. He wiped them away quickly before he took in a deep breath, straightening his shoulders.

“Yes?”

The door open, and Oliver almost expected Raisa to stick her head into his room and ask if he wanted some hot chocolate and a midnight snack. Of course she would have already prepared it, so she would come in and put the small tray onto his desk. Then she would smile at him warmly until he opened up to her. When he had been younger, something like this had happened rather often.

Tonight, it wasn’t Raisa, who was paying him a visit though. Instead, his mother opened the door and flashed him a warm smile. The rare image of seeing his mother without any make-up and dressed in her nightgown and a dressing gown surprised him almost more than the fact that his mother was visiting so late in the night itself. In his entire life, Oliver remembered seeing his mother like this maybe five times.

“Hello, Oliver.”

Moira tried to hide it behind a light tone of voice, but Oliver knew that she could see the remains of the tears on his cheeks. Tightening the belt of her dressing gown around her waist, she stepped into the room and closed the door behind herself. Oliver wasn’t sure if she wanted to make sure his dad wasn’t going to wake up or if she wanted to shut out his loud snoring. Even a closed door couldn’t do much against that though.

“You are up late,” Oliver said quietly, “I thought you were already asleep.”

“We were.” Moira sighed. “I just wanted to grab some water. When I saw the light, I wanted to check if everything was alright. I didn’t think you’d come home tonight.”

Oliver shrugged his shoulders. “Felicity wanted to sleep and told me to go home because I couldn’t do anything for her as long as she was asleep anyway. She said it was better if I came back tomorrow morning, once I had tanked some energy too. We were both too exhausted to fight the other, so I just agreed to it. I didn’t want Felicity to waste her energy on a fight. I will get up early tomorrow morning and bring her some breakfast.”

“That she is probably not going to eat.”

“Yeah,” Oliver replied with a sigh and nodded his head, “probably.”

Felicity’s lack of appetite was another thing that worried him a lot. She had so little energy as the cancer was sucking it right out of her body it seemed. That she wasn’t eating much didn’t help either. She needed vitamins and proteins and all that other stuff to help her through the exhausting days.

Grabbing the list of things that he had to organize and do in the next days, he added _Finding Felicity some yummy food_ to the list. Lately, she was only eating to do him or Raisa a favor. Maybe if he found something that she was actually hungry for, she’d eat a little bit more than the few bites she was getting down every day.

“Is everything okay?”

“I am thinking about Felicity’s wishes.”

He waved with his to-do list. When Moira stepped closer and reached out her hand for it, Oliver hesitated before he handed it to her. Not saying a word, he just waited for her to say something. His mother took her time to read it thoroughly though, nodding her head slightly.

“You have quite some work ahead of yourself,” she said eventually, putting the list back down, “and all that in addition to the wedding preparations though it might be better to put them on hold with how Felicity-“

“No,” Oliver said firmly, “it’s quite the opposite. We have to put even more effort into making this wedding happen as soon as possible now. It’s the cherry on top of making all the other wishes come true.”

“How is it going on that front?”

While Oliver leaned back in his chair with a sigh, his mother sat down on the armrest of one of the armchairs. She was looking at him closely, but there was patience in her eyes too. She didn’t want to force him to tell her anything. She wanted to know, but she was okay if he told her that he couldn’t tell her.

“I only made three wishes happen so far,” Oliver said eventually, figuring it was best to tell his mother something, “and two are in the making. There is just not enough time to make all of it work, and I don’t want to waste too much time away. I want to be with Felicity, but I can’t do that if I have to organize that much.”

“You know that your father and I will support you in whatever way you need us to, right?” Moira’s voice left no doubt that she meant it. “We will do whatever we can do to help you with this or anything really. We-“

“Thank you,” Oliver interrupted his mother and had to clear his throat as the emotions were making his voice sound husky, “but I want to do this on my own. This my gift to Felicity.”

Moira nodded her head slightly. Something in her eyes told Oliver that she had something more to say, but she wasn’t sure if or how she should say it. Since Oliver was sure that she’d say it sooner or later anyway, he perked up his eyebrows.

“I am sure that Felicity won’t be angry with you if you don’t make all of these wishes come true. She certainly appreciates the offer, but I think that it’s even more important for her that you are here with her.”

Oliver lowered his gaze to the table. He knew that his mother was right. Felicity needed someone to lean on. She shouldn’t feel alone because she had been or felt alone for too long already. She needed to know that he was there every step of the way. He would never leave her, no matter how bad things would get.

When his mother put her hand to his shoulder, Oliver lifted his gaze towards her. She was looking at him the same way that she had been looking at him the day that his hamster had died. Telling unwanted truth was not her strength.

Just when Moira opened her mouth to say something, Oliver brushed off her hand and straightened back up on the chair.

“I have to do this for her,” he insisted, “because I promised her, and I will never break a promise, at least not one that I have given to her.”

“Why?”

Oliver frowned. “Why what? Why don’t I just give up and, with that, break a promise I have made to my best friend?”

“No, why do you want to do this?” Moira asked. “It’s not just for the promise you have made.”

For the break of a second, Oliver wondered if offence was the best defense and he should be a little petulant. He knew what his mother was aiming for. He knew where she wanted to take this conversation. Oliver just didn’t want to follow her on that area. He didn’t want to talk about this, not now and not with her.

Oliver knew that his mother would only feel like she was on the right track and try digging a little deeper. He couldn’t have that. He didn’t have the energy to fight with her either.

“Oliver.”

His voice was only a low whisper. It was so soft, but Oliver felt himself building thick walls around himself. Whatever his mother wanted to say now, he didn’t want to hear it because she’d hit the bullseye easily.

“Oliver,” his mother said once more, and Oliver scrambled up all his courage to look at he, “no matter what you do, nothing can prevent Felicity from dying.”

Oliver held his breath, knowing that, if he did as much as taking in the slightest breath of air, he’d start crying and he wouldn’t be able to stop. He wasn’t ready to do that. He wanted to be alone again, so he could get lost in his thoughts for another couple of hours until he could grab some food for Felicity and go visit her in the hospital again.

“What you are doing is honorable,” his mother continued eventually, “but it’s not going to change how this sickness will end for her. You are doing a wonderful job at making this last time better for her, but there is no way around the truth. You have to face it – the sooner, the better. Felicity is going to die.”

No matter how often he had thought that he had finally really got it, it just hit him again. After everything that had happened in the past hours, Oliver had been on the verge of breaking down already. The vehemence of his mother’s words hit him all the harder. With a deep sob, he dropped his face into his hands.

“She can’t die.”

Oliver knew that it was stupid because he knew that he really had no power about it. Still, the thought just killed him. Losing Felicity would just hurt too much. It was going to rip away the ground he was standing on. How was he going to cope?

“Oh, my beautiful boy.”

His mother wrapped her arms around his shoulders from behind and leaned her cheek against the back of his head. She swayed him from side to side slightly, almost like she was seeing her baby boy in him right now and wanted to rock him into sleep like she had certainly done when he had been a baby. Oliver hesitated before he leaned back into her touch and let her hold him like that.

“I can’t live without Felicity.”

Moira tightened her arms around Oliver, holding him even closer to her. Even through his pain, Oliver realized how heavy his words must weigh on her. Moira had lost one child already. Knowing that the woman that she had learned to love as a part of the family in the last years was going to die and that her death was going to take a lot of his will to live had to be hard on her. With her experience in losing a child, a sentence like that had to scare her.

Oliver would take it back if he didn’t think that it was so very true. Lying wouldn’t be fair. At least this way, his parents were prepared when all of his will to live faded once Felicity had died.

“I know that Felicity helped you after Thea’s death. She helped all of us.”

“I wouldn’t have made it without her.”

“I know,” his mother said once more and kissed the crown of his head, “she has been such a great support for all of us. She has been exactly what we needed after we have lost Thea, and we never really got a chance of thanking her the way we should have done. I don’t know what your father and I would have done without her either.”

Oliver nodded his head, knowing that his mother was right. They had needed Felicity and her sunny mind too. The entire family had needed her because Felicity, as different as she was from Thea, brought the same sunny and joyful mind.

“Felicity will be missed dearly by all of us.”

Again, Oliver nodded his head because he knew it was true. His parents wouldn’t have agreed to have Felicity live with them and they wouldn’t have put so much time into making sure she was comfortable here if it was any different. Maybe his parents could hide their grief more or they weren’t yet experiencing it.

Either way, Oliver knew that Felicity was going to leave a void in the Queen Family that couldn’t be filled.

“But of course I know that it will be even worse for you.” Moira made a meaningful pause. “Given how much you love Felicity.”

Oliver pulled out of his mothers embrace to look at her. Wiping his tears away, he considered brushing it off. A single glance into his mother’s face told him everything he needed to know though. All denying would be hopeless because she knew the truth. She had probably known it for a long time already.

“I love her, mom.”

Moira nodded her head and took his hand between both of hers. Comforting him with that touch, she just waited for him to say more.

“I have loved her for so long, but it took me forever to find the courage to tell her.” Oliver took in a trembling breath, feeling a wave of relief streaming through him. Telling someone what he felt for Felicity or even just saying it out loud finally gave him the liberty to really breathe through again. “When I finally did, it was completely overshadowed by Thea’s death.”

“So you told Felicity what you feel for her?”

“No,” Oliver replied, shaking his head, “I wanted to tell her the night Thea died. Then I got that call that Thea was in the hospital and-“

Oliver shook his head, wordlessly saying that it had all gone to shit after that. He hadn’t been able to tell her what he had been feeling after that. Thea’s death had overshadowed everything. He would have been no good as a boyfriend at that time.

Looking back, Felicity had had him around her neck as it had been. Whether she had stood by him as a girlfriend or his best friend had probably not made much of a difference. She had been the one he had called when he had needed her, no matter what time of the day. She had been the one he had told everything to. She had been his rock.

The only difference was that he had missed out on all the kisses and declarations of love that he might have needed more than ever at that time.

“We will never get a chance of being more than friends and weirdly married friends though. We will never get a chance at really being together.”

Oliver hated himself for the fact that he hadn’t realized how urgently he had needed to tell Felicity about his feelings for her. These past months, he had been a lot better. He had almost been back to his old self. It would have been the perfect time to tell Felicity that he loved her. He couldn’t possibly tell her now.

“Why do you think it’s too late?”

Oliver chuckled almost dryly. “Have you met Felicity lately?”

“To me, she is still the same person she has been since I met her.”

“Of course she is.” Oliver frowned, finally realizing what his mother was thinking saying that. “Do you really think that, just because Felicity is sick, she means less to me? Do you think that I cannot see who she is because of the tumor?”

Moira narrowed her eyes at him slightly. She looked like a mother who was now checking up the guy that wanted to date her daughter. That was how much Felicity meant to her. She wanted to protect her and her heart, even if it was against her own son.

“Do you see her through the disease?”

“Of course I do,” Oliver said, his chest swelling with the need to tell Felicity how he felt about her, “Felicity is sick, but she is still Felicity. Even if she will be in a wheelchair and in need of a colostomy bag, I will still love her just the same. She is my Felicity.”

Moira seemed to be satisfied with the answer Oliver had given because she simply replied, “Then why don’t you tell her that?”

Oliver shook his head. With their time threatening to run out, he had thought about confessing his love to her again and again. Whenever his thoughts had even just grazed the topic, he had quickly reminded himself of what the logical consequence of the situation was though.

“A relationship or even just considering if she has feelings for me too should be the least of Felicity’s priorities right now,” Oliver said with husky voice, “because she needs all her energy to keep going on.”

Felicity was sick. All she should think about was getting a little bit better though. Oliver knew that she was never going to be really better, but she could get a little better. She could get well enough for him to make the rest of her wishes come true.

Right now, Felicity and her wellbeing really were all that mattered.

“Felicity needs to know how you feel about her,” Moira said though, “she deserves to know that because she deserves to make her own decision.”

Oliver shook his head, but Moira squeezed his hands and shook his head. She wouldn’t allow any objections. She had made up her mind, and nothing would change that.

“Felicity needs to know how you feel about her,” Moira insisted, “and she needs to be the one in charge of the decision. Otherwise, you will always regret it.”

Looking at his mother, Oliver felt his heart sink. As much as he had tried to tell himself that it was different, he knew that she was right. He wasn’t in charge of this decision. The only person who could decide if Felicity could risk her heart right now was Felicity herself. Everything else would just take away from the person Felicity was – a strong and independent woman that didn’t want life to decide for her.

His mother was right. Oliver had to tell Felicity how he felt about her.

* * *

The TV program was pure trash by now. There really was nothing good the usual TV program offered. Felicity didn’t know a single one of the shows that was currently on air, and one of the very reasons was that most shows that were aired were terrible reality TV shows that felt so far from reality that Felicity didn’t know why they possibly deserved that name.

Once she had reached that first program again, Felicity switched off the TV and put the remote to her nightstand. She rolled onto her side, pulling the blanket right under her chin. Although it was quite warm, she felt a little bit cold. It was probably the general hospital atmosphere.

With all the time that Felicity had spent in hospitals during her childhood, she had learned to hate them with passion. The sterile, while walls and the smell of disinfections reminded her of the long hours she had spent in a hospital as a child made it hard to endure it now. She felt like she had been taken back into her early childhood years.

Releasing a long sigh, Felicity shook her head. She couldn’t allow herself to think about those times for too long. Just dealing with those old memories robbed so much of the energy she didn’t have.

As a quite skilled and well-educated woman, it was even worse to be in the hospital now. Oliver had brought her three books, but she had read all of them this morning already. Now she was back to being bored again, and she really wasn’t good at being bored. Sitting back and waiting wasn’t her strength. It never had been, and given how little time Felicity had left, she doubted that she would learn to make it happened in the future. There was no time for a lesson like that.

She had talked to Dr. Schwartz earlier today. Her condition was stabilized, and her medication had been adapted to her latest symptoms. Everything that could be done had been done. That was why Dr. Schwartz had agreed with her that she could leave the hospital and go home.

Home. It was weird how quickly she had learned to think about Queen Manor as her home. The castle-like mansion had always felt like it had escaped from one of the Christmas holiday movies or maybe the Disney princess movies. Anyway, it had never really felt like a place that anyone could really fell home at.

Felicity had spent a couple of days there now, and she had already experienced the exact opposite thing. Queen Manor, as crazily aloof as it was, it could make for a great home. The stone walls and everything still looked incredibly cold and unpersonal, but the people inside really make it a home.

Raisa was the glue that kept the family together. She found the right food and drink for any occasion, and she always knew when somebody was in need of it. She had an almost magical feeling for people around her.

Moira and Robert, as often as they were out of home, always did their best to make the walls surrounding them really feel like a home. They wanted it to be more than a house or manor. They really wanted it to feel like a home, a place to feel comfortable and where you could always be yourself.

And, finally, there was Oliver. Oliver was like the most wonderful human being that Felicity knew was possible. If it wasn’t for him, she wasn’t sure if she would make it through this time. He was always there for her, always trying to make things a little bit easier for her.

Her eyes found the ring he had pushed onto her finger barely some hours before she had started cramping. She was going to be Oliver’s wife, and he was going to be her husband. It wasn’t like it had been playing out in her dreams again and again, but at least it brought her a little closer to being able to pretend it was. She was going to die, so she should be allowed to pretend that things were different.

When she was back at Queen Manor, maybe she and Moira could start planning the wedding. Who knew how much time she had left?

A lot knock at the door made Felicity startle from her thoughts.

“Yes?”

Felicity’s heart jumped up into her throat when Oliver stuck his head into the room, and she was sure that her cheeks turned red. She lifted her hand and nervously combed her hair with her fingers. She was almost sure that there was little to no hope for her to look somewhat okay without her special hairbrush.

Felicity had no idea why she suddenly felt like a lovesick teenager. She had had feelings for Oliver for quite some time now. It had been no secret to her, and the engagement shouldn’t have changed much about it. After all, it was just an engagement between two friends. Still, her body reacted like it was all real.

“Hi,” she said, her voice sounding an octave too high, “you’re back.”

“And I brought you breakfast.”

Felicity scrunched up her nose. She still wasn’t a fan of breakfast, now even less than before. Dr. Schwartz had told her that she should be eating breakfast. She wouldn’t be released if she didn’t eat. Just the thought of eating anything made her stomach cramp again though.

“Don’t look like that,” Oliver asked with a chuckle, closing the door behind him, “I got up in the middle of the night to make these Monte Cristos with waffles.”

Felicity frowned, looking at Oliver. He smiled innocently, stepping next to the bed. He leaned over her face and placed a firm kiss on her forehead.

“How do you know about Monte Cristos with waffles?”

Oliver chuckled and leaned further forward until their noses brushed together. Felicity felt like her heart was thrumming in her chest. It caused the blood to rush in her ears so loudly that she could barely focus on anything else. If she angled her face just a little bit, her lips would brush against Oliver’s.

She thought back to the kiss in the library. It had come as a surprise, but it had felt so incredibly right. It had felt like it had been a long overdue. It had felt like it should have happened a long time ago already. It had felt like it was supposed to be.

“You told me about that, dummy.”

With a chuckle, Oliver leaned back and sat down on the side of the mattress. He dropped the bag with the food into her lap and to Felicity’s own surprise, she unwrapped the foil around the food and took a bite.

“This is actually delicious.”

Oliver grinned. “The first point on my to-do list can be ticked off then.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows, taking another bite. “How many are left?”

“Quite a few,” Oliver replied with a sigh, taking her left hand in both of his and stroking his thumb over the diamond of her engagement ring, “some more important and some less important.”

“What is the most important one?”

Oliver looked at her intensely. She could almost read in his eyes that being here with her was the most important part, but Oliver didn’t say a word. He lowered his eyes and shook his head slightly.

Felicity frowned slightly. Oliver had turned into a person that was carrying his heart on his tongue lately. He had talked about his feelings a lot which was a nice change. Felicity liked to see him so open about it. He had been bottling his feelings up inside of him for too long. She had had to worm his thoughts and feelings out of him for so long.

“How are you doing?”

Felicity’s frown deepened slightly at the sudden change of topic, but she let it go. She could see that Oliver had barely slept. The dark circles under his eyes said enough for her to know. It was a pity because she had sent him home last night, hoping he would catch some well-needed hours of sleep. Apparently, he could have just stayed here as well.

“Better,” she said eventually, “at least I feel fitter. The doc says it could get worse again though and that very soon.”

Oliver nodded his head and squeezed her hand. “I know, but don’t worry. I will be with you through every step on the way.”

“I know that,” Felicity whispered and put her right hand on top of his, “and I couldn’t be more grateful. You are the best friend possible.”

There was a glimpse in Felicity’s eyes that she didn’t know how to describe. She wasn’t even sure what it meant. Since Oliver lowered his eyes, she didn’t really get a chance to make up her mind about it either.

She frowned once more, wondering what was going on with him today. Watching him for a while longer, she caught sight of the continued rubbing of his thumb against her engagement ring. Her stomach dropped when a suspicion regarding Oliver’s strange behavior dawned her.

“What happened to me was quite intense,” Felicity said carefully, her voice sounding husky, “and if you want an out, I get that. I mean you didn’t really know how bad it could get before you saw it and-“

“Hey, hey, hey,” Oliver said, shaking his head to hush her, “I am your best friend and your future husband. There is no way that I am going to leave you now or ever.”

Felicity cocked her head at him. “Oliver, I-“

Again, Oliver shook his head. “No.”

“No?” Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “You don’t even know what I want to say.”

“I don’t need to know,” Oliver replied, “but I have some strong suspicions, and those are enough for me to know that my answer has to be a no.”

Felicity chuckled. “But if you change your mind-“

“I won’t.”

“You can’t know that.”

At that, Oliver pursed his lips. He sucked in a deep breath which caused his shoulders to tense slightly. He avoided her eyes for a moment before he grabbed the remains of the food from her lap and put them to the nightstand. Taking both of her hands, he moved a little closer to her then.

Again, he was weird, Felicity thought to herself. There was something about his behavior this morning that was just really weird. He was a little out of himself. The lack of sleep hadn’t been good for him it seemed.

“Felicity, I came here for a reason.”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows, unsure if she should chuckle in expectation of some playfulness or if she should fear some bad news. Oliver’s eyes told her it was the latter. The warm smile on his lips told her it was the first. She really wasn’t sure.

“I need to tell you something.”

Felicity nodded her head slowly. She still wasn’t exactly sure what she was supposed to expect. It was almost a little bit weird how much trouble she had to read Oliver lately. There had been a time when she had known what he was thinking even before he had said a word. The dramatic times they were caught in just changed a lot of things.

Oliver continued to look at her, but not a single sound fell from his lips. Slowly, Felicity really started to think that this morning wasn’t going to take a good end. Something was really going on here.

“Spit it out, Oliver,” Felicity told him lightly, “before you choke on it and-“

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” Felicity smiled at him. “You are my best friend, and you can tell me anything. you-“

“No,” Oliver interrupted her firmly, shaking his head, “I love you.”

Felicity didn’t understand, at least not immediately. A long moment passed before it finally clicked with her. Oliver really, honestly loved her.

Her surprise made her breath get caught in her lungs. Her heart skipped a beat before it started racing in her chest. Goosebumps ran down her spine and spread all over her skin, creating a nice tingling.

There were only a few situations when Felicity was speechless. This was one of them.

“I love you, Felicity,” Oliver said once more and brushed a strand of her hair out of her face, “I have loved you long before Thea died already.”

So her feeling hadn’t betrayed her. She had had a feeling that there was something going on between her and Oliver. She just hadn’t been entirely sure.

“I wanted to ask you out that night she died,” Oliver continued, his voice soft and low, “but then we got the news that Thea was in the hospital and she- she died.”

Oliver’s voice almost broke saying that, and Felicity felt the need to squeeze his fingers and comfort him. She just couldn’t move. She felt completely frozen, unable to say or do anything other than staring at Oliver.

“After she died, my life just crumbled. I wasn’t able to focus on a single thing anymore. Everything apart from her death seemed to be meaningless.”

Felicity’s heart was pounding against her ribs so loudly that Felicity wouldn’t be surprised if Oliver could hear it. She had trouble to focus on his voice over the throbbing noise.

When Oliver wanted to continue speaking, he suddenly stopped. Felicity frowned, but Oliver chuckled a little nervously and squeezed her fingers. “You have to breathe, Felicity.”

Only now Felicity realized that she was still holding her breath. She sucked in the air quickly and realized how much she had really needed that breath. Her lungs were aching from the need of oxygen.

Once Felicity felt able to listen again, she nodded her head. Oliver shot her a brief smile.

“You are more than just my friend,” Oliver continued, “so much more. You are the person I can always turn to and the person I feel the most comfortable around. With you at my side, I know that I can be myself. I am a better person just because I know you. You have inspired me to be better, and I love that about you and about us. I- I could go on and on about how I feel about you and why, but…”

Oliver shrugged his shoulders, looking at her intensely. He was giving her time to process and to react to his declaration of love. There was an expression of relief in his eyes, joint by a glimpse of nervousness. How long had he been thinking about telling her about his feelings and how much courage must it have taken him?

Felicity knew that she needed to say something. When someone told you they loved you, they expected some kind of answer. Her mouth was so dry that Felicity doubted that she’d get a single word out.

For how long had she been dreaming that Oliver would say these words to her? How many different scenarios had she envisioned in her dreams? How much had she longed for a moment like this?

If he had told her the exact same words a couple of weeks ago, Felicity would have probably flung her arms around Oliver’s neck and told him how much she loved him too. It would have been the happiest day for her.

Her entire life had changed though. Things weren’t the same anymore. Everything was different since she had been diagnosed with cancer once more. She was going to die, and there really was no hope left. Everything she did no could possibly hurt the people she would leave behind even more, and that really was the last thing she wanted.

Felicity loved Oliver, but it just wasn’t that easy.

Clearing her throat and avoiding Oliver’s eyes, Felicity grabbed her left arm and pulled both of her hands out of his touch. She didn’t need to see his face to know that her actions hurt him or at least disappointed him. He was probably suspecting that this wasn’t going to go the way he had hoped for.

“You cannot be in love with me.”

Saying those words physically hurt Felicity. Everything inside of her was trying to fight her on saying them or any of the other words that were on her tongue. She knew that it had to be done though. She needed to say these words, and Oliver needed to hear them.

“It’s not like I have much of a choice,” Oliver said lightly, using her silence to try and convince her otherwise it seemed, “though, even if I had one, I am not sure I wouldn’t want it any other way.”

He pushed his fingers under her chin and angled her head back, so her eyes met his. Everything about his face was so soft like all he really wanted was to gently convince her that he loved her and that it was okay that she loved him too. It only made it harder.

“You have fall out of love with me then,” she told him, “I don’t know how though I am sure that you will get a lot of help from the ladies in the club and-“

“Yeah, about that,” Oliver interrupted her, still sounding so incredibly soft although there was a little bit of shame or embarrassment in his eyes, “I know it looked like I had a lot of flings lately, but the truth is that I didn’t sleep with any of the guests in the club or anyone really in the last years. My barkeepers and waiters told you that I took some of them home, but the truth is that I just brought them to their homes when they didn’t have any friends around and felt unsafe. I haven’t even been thinking about being with any other woman since I realized how I feel for you. It’s only been you.”

How many women dreamed that the man they loved would say something like that to them? If things were different, Felicity would certainly want that too. With the way things were, he was only making it more difficult though.

“Oliver-“

“I know what you want to say,” Oliver interrupted her, “and I understand that you are scared. I am scared about losing you too, but I don’t want that to stop me from enjoying the time we have left. I can love you for the rest of your life, no matter how long or short it’s going to be.”

It would be too great if it was true. She could just tell Oliver about her feelings for him, and she could sweeten the time she had left for herself. Despite the impending death, those would be some of the happiest weeks of her life she guessed.

Felicity knew better than that though. She had seen Oliver after Thea’s death. She had seen how heartbroken he had been. He had been completely out of himself, barely recognizable anymore. What had happened to Oliver back then couldn’t happen to him again because she wasn’t sure if he could pick himself back up after that. She never wanted to see him like that again, especially when she knew that she couldn’t help him.

“You have to forget what you are feeling for me.”

“Forget you?” Oliver smiled, shaking his head. “Never.”

No matter what Felicity would say now, it wouldn’t change Oliver’s mind. He had already decided that he wanted to adhere to his feelings. He wanted to live them, no matter the cost. Obviously, he had completely forgotten how much he had suffered after Thea’s death.

Felicity sucked in a deep breath. If the nice version wasn’t going to help, maybe the not-so-nice way was going to tell Oliver that she couldn’t let him do this.

“Then you have to leave.”

Oliver looked at Felicity incredulously like he wasn’t sure if she really meant it. Only when she continued to look at him with determined eyes, Oliver seemed to get that she was indeed being serious here. His smile fell.

“Felicity, I-“

“Go,” she told him once more, her voice even harder, “and find some woman to remind yourself what it’s like to be with someone, someone who is not sick.”

“Okay, I know I have ambushed you with this, but-“

“I’m serious, Oliver,” she told him once more, “I want you to leave.”

Oliver faltered, and Felicity could see him considering his options. He could fight her or accept her decision. Felicity tightened her jaws, trying to look as convincing as possible, and it seemed to be enough for Oliver to realize that a fight wasn’t going to help him here.

“Okay,” he said, nodding his head, “I will leave you alone for now.”

Felicity had trouble biting back her tears when Oliver got up from the edge of the mattress and headed towards the door. The way he was walking with his head lowered, looking like he was completely defeated, broke Felicity’s heart. She knew that she had to stay strong though. It was better for Oliver.

With his fingers already wrapped around the door handle, Oliver turned back around to Felicity once more. His eyes looked a lot sadder than they had before, but there was still hope there. He wasn’t going to give up easily.

“I love you, Felicity,” he said once more, “and nothing will change that. You can try to keep me away from you, but that won’t make me love you any less either.”

Felicity felt her breath getting caught in her throat once more. She held her breath, just waiting for Oliver to say what he felt the need to say and leave. She hoped it wasn’t going to take too long because he shouldn’t see the tears that she had trouble holding back already.

“If you don’t want to be with me, that is fine. I will accept your decision, and I will be your friend throughout all of this nonetheless.” Oliver shrugged his shoulders. “But if you only reject this because you think it’s better for me, then I have to tell you that you are wrong. This is our only chance to be together, and I would rather take it than give it away.”

Felicity wanted to believe him, but she wasn’t sure if Oliver really got what he was getting himself into. He also didn’t know what he was getting her into.

“Call me when you are ready to talk,” he said, “night or day, I am always there for you.”

With that being said, he left the room.

As soon as the door was closed behind him, Felicity felt a sob rising in her throat. She slapped her hands in front of her lips quickly to muffle the sound. Tears were running down her cheeks, and she couldn’t do anything against it.

She had always known that life wasn’t fair. It was one of the first things she had really realized about life, she guessed. It really wasn’t fair. You could do everything right and were still punished terribly.

Why couldn’t this have happened months ago? Why now that everything was too late?

Oliver was wrong if he honestly believed that there was still a chance for them. That they wanted to be together just wasn’t enough here. She was selfish enough to not try therapy, but she wasn’t selfish enough to pull him even deeper into her disaster. She couldn’t do it.

Even if it broke her heart.


	8. Detachment

Felicity looked from the pile of clothes and other stuff to the almost completely filled suitcase and back again. There were still so many things to pack since she had so much of her stuff here, but she was too exhausted to pack the rest. That terrible seizure and all that lying around in the last days had thrown her back a lot. As much as the therapist had tried to help her recover, her tumor was making it hard to do so.

_Every course of disease is different, Felicity, so I can’t tell you what it will be like for you. What I can tell you is that it’s unpredictable. There will be times when you will feel better and times that you will feel worse. Even if you feel bad one day, you can still get better although the tumor keeps growing. We’ve talked about the longtime consequences, and there will be setbacks that will be hard to recover from. Your entire immune system is busy with this tumor. Every major setback and every additional trouble will be hard to come back from._

Shaking her head, Felicity pushed that thought away. She didn’t want to think about that now. She had enough time to remember all the terrible things she had been told about her tumor and what it would do to her once she had packed completely. There was more than enough time as every second spent with it was already a second too much.

Felicity turned her attention back to her task at hand. She tried to get up, but her legs were trembling too much. She didn’t trust them to carry her weight, so Felicity dropped back onto her mattress. Although there was no weight on her legs anymore, they still continued trembling, showing her how exhausted she really was.

Maybe she could ask one of the nurses to help her pack, but then again it wasn’t their job. They had more important things to do, and Felicity didn’t want to bother them. A woman in her twenties, no matter how sick, should be able to grit her teeth and pack her stuff. Her exhaustion was coming only from the tumor. It wasn’t coming from years of a hard life or almost porous bones. It was only coming from her head.

With that thought in mind, Felicity got up from the edge of the bed and slowly walked over to the wardrobe. She put her hands to one of the shelves. Clinging to it, she squeezed her eyes shut and took in a deep breath. Colorful dots were dancing in front of her eyes. Her knees were trembling slightly, but they didn’t break away from under her.

It had been nice to have so much of her stuff with her during the last days. That way, she hadn’t felt as miserable as she was sure she would have felt otherwise. Being in this foreign, sterile place had been hard enough, especially with all the memories of all the time she had spent in the hospital. If she hadn’t had her stuff around, it would have only been worse.

Felicity squeezed her eyes shut even more, trying not to think about the last conversation she had had with Oliver. The thought that their last conversation might be the last they ever had with each other had only made it worse. She hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. The thought was even following her into her sleep, getting her some terrible nightmares.

Since Felicity knew that she was going to die, she had imagined what her last moment with Oliver would be like a lot. She had developed different scenarios, but every single one had allowed her to say something funny or meaningful to him before she passed away. None of it was as hurtful as the things she had said to him yesterday. Neither of them would have had to feel guilty or whatever.

Felicity shook her head firmly. As hard as it was, she was going to leave the hospital. With that, she was going to leave Oliver and the life he had offered her behind. It was better for him, for his family and even for her. It really was better for all of them if they cut it here.

Sucking in another deep breath, Felicity grabbed the last pile of clothes from the shelf and put it into her suitcase. She held her breath, hoping it would give her the strength she needed to walk over to the bed and drop her clothes into the suitcase. Her steps were a little more quickly when she hurried back over to the bed. Some of her shirts dropped next to it, but Felicity couldn’t care. Quickly, she sat down on the mattress next to her suitcase.

She was feeling dizzy already. As little as she had done, she was feeling like she had run a triathlon and marathon on the same day. Every single one of her muscles was feeling exhausted and powerless.

It was probably the best decision to finally go to a hospice now. Her body had already accepted that it was time for the end. As much as she had thought that she was ready to accept it, her brain hadn’t really processed it. It had just made her believe that she was really ready. Living with Oliver, who had been anything but accepting of the truth either, had only worsened it.

Felicity rubbed her hands together between her knees, and pursed her lips.

She wasn’t doing it for herself though. She was doing this for Oliver. Just like he had wanted to protect her from dying alone, she wanted to protect him from everything he was putting on himself right now. He had lost himself in the idea of helping her through it. Felicity had always thought that she had a handle on it, but Oliver had proved her very, very wrong on that.

With another sigh of regret, Felicity got up and tried to close it. She had no idea how Oliver had managed to get the zippers shut when he had brought all her stuff here. He must have either a secret technique to pack without wasting space, or he must have used pure brutality. Maybe it was as simple as the fact that he was able to use both of his hands though.

Anyway, Felicity couldn’t offer any of that, so she sat back down on the mattress. Her eyes fell onto her motionless hand, and it made her heart sink like it had when she had first realized the loss of sensation and movement. It was only the beginning. Felicity knew that. Still, it hit her every time she thought about it.

Until she died, it would get a lot worse. She’d lose control over most parts of her body. She wouldn’t be able to walk anymore or to move at all. She could maybe forget how to talk or how to hold her pee. Every day was going to be a new, terrible kind of surprise bag. She’d get – or rather lose – something new every day if things became worse and they would become worse.

Something inside of Felicity hoped that it was over before it got too bad. Her talking and babbling was part of who she was. Without it, she lost a lot of her personality she guessed. She lost her identity of a huge part of it at least.

Losing her ability to hold her pee was going to be humiliating. Felicity knew that a lot of people lived with bladder bags and even colostomy bags, and they got along with it. They learned to live with it if they had no other chance, so Felicity knew that it really was possible to get used to it. The thought still seemed kind of terrifying right now though.

The thought of any more seizures was just as terrifying. She had felt so out of control, so helpless, so afraid.

As much as Felicity had thought that she had processed her nearing death or that she was ready to help anyone getting through it, she knew that she wasn’t. She felt completely disconnected from her life, at least right now. She felt like she was floating outside of her body, looking down on herself living this life without knowing who she was looking at exactly.

A knock at the door made her flinch. She quickly wiped away the single tear that was rolling down her cheek and took in a sniffling breath.

Was it Oliver, she asked herself. Because they were best friends and because of the deep feelings they had for one another, they could sometimes feel what the other was feeling. They had that kind of sixth sense when it came to each other. That was how close they really were.

If it was Oliver, what was she going to say to him though? As much as she wanted to take back what she had said before because she was scared of dying with those regrets on her heart and because she kind of wanted him to know what she was feeling for him, Oliver would continue to lose himself in his need to help her. She couldn’t do that either.

Felicity needed to protect Oliver, and she needed to protect herself. They both needed that kind of protection. If Oliver couldn’t offer it, she would have to do it. Maybe it sounded harsh and a million other things, but it was the better for the both of them. It was the only way that she could protect Oliver since she wouldn’t get another chance.

Straightening up a little, Felicity took in another deep breath. She did her best to push away the thoughts that had still overwhelmed her a couple of minutes ago. She put on a smile, at least a half-hearted one, and cleared her throat.

“Yes?”

The door opened. Felicity’s heart skipped a beat before it started racing in his chest. Barely five beats had passed before Robert stuck his head into the room. Felicity’s heart sank from disappointed and lifted in relief at the same time.

This entire situation had been confusing before Oliver had told her about his feelings for her already. Since then, she felt like she had to restructure her entire life. While that wasn’t always a bad step, Felicity felt unsafe and alone right now. Her life was destructuring itself already. She didn’t have to add to that.

Her eyes fell onto the engagement ring on her finger, and her heart ached once more. With everything falling apart inside of her, Oliver had wrapped his arms around her and tried to give her hold from outside. He had been her lifebelt.

Without him, she was floating around without anything to hold onto. She was completely lost at sea, fearing to be pulled under the violent waves without any chance to get back to the surface. She was being suffocated by everything around her.

There were more reasons why Felicity would have liked to get married to Oliver though. He wasn’t only offering safety and stability. He was also offering warmth and understand and real love. He really loved her, and Felicity believed it. She even felt the same way, but she couldn’t tell him that. She could offer warmth, understanding and love too, but she would also bring pain, misery and uncertainty. She didn’t want that for him.

“I’m sorry.” Robert smiled softly as he stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. “I guess I am not who you wanted to see.”

Felicity cocked her head and looked at the man she was closer to than she had ever been to her biological father. She guessed that the disappointment had been the dominating expression on her face which was interesting since she considered the relied the dominating feeling in her chest. Maybe her face just gave away more than her heart was letting on.

“I’m glad that you are here.”

Felicity’s voice sounded hoarse which was probably a sign of how she hadn’t spoken since Oliver had left her bedside yesterday. She didn’t have many friends. Her colleagues, some of her former neighbors and people of the tech community had sent bouquets and some baskets with stuff she might need to feel better, but nobody had shown up. The Queens were the only reals friends she had, Felicity guessed, and she would have to leave them behind.

Thinking about that, Felicity narrowed her eyes at Robert slightly. His words told her that he knew she might have expected Oliver. She just didn’t know if Oliver had told his dad the truth about what had happened, or if Robert had simply guessed something was wrong because Oliver wasn’t spending every second he was awake with her.

“Do you need help with your suitcase?”

Felicity looked from Robert to her suitcase and back again. Biting on her bottom lip, she looked at him and nodded her head then. Robert’s smile made the glimpse of a smile spread on her lips too.

She watched him taking off his light summer coat and dropping it to the chair next to the door. He looked incredibly elegant, like he always did. Felicity knew by now that it had a lot to do with Moira and her need to always create a picture perfect. Still, she still couldn’t forget how she had always admired Robert for looking so mighty even if he didn’t try.

Robert crossed the room with three large steps and stopped in front of the bed. He rubbed his hands together like he was about to solve a difficult task. Using one hand to press the top of her suitcase down, he used the other hand to close the zipper. Within seconds, he was finished. He lifted the suitcase from the bed like it was as light as a feather and carried it over to the door.

When his eyes met Felicity’s the next time, she could see that he hadn’t just come by to see how she was doing. He had come here for a reason. He had things to say, and Felicity wasn’t sure she wanted to hear them. Still, she knew that she couldn’t really tell Robert that as he had done so much for her.

Biting down on her bottom lip once more, she closed her eyes. She turned her face away and lowered her head. She couldn’t see it, but she could feel it in the way the mattress dipped that he sat down on the edge of the bed next to her.

There was a long moment of silence. Robert didn’t say word. He just reached out his hand wordlessly and wrapped his fingers around her left hand. She couldn’t feel it there, but she could feel it from the weight of his hand on her knee where her own hand was resting too. Apparently, although the tumor was growing in her brain, it still found a lot of ways to make up for the abilities its little habitant was making her lose.

When Felicity eventually opened her eyes, Robert was smiling at her softly once more. His head was still cocked at her.

“Nobody really knows you are coming home today,” he told her, not a single reproach in his voice, “I would have come here earlier to help you pack if you had told us.”

Felicity pressed her lips together and rolled them over her teeth. She felt a little guilty since she would have left without saying goodbye if Robert hadn’t shown up here. Her guilt was a little limited though because she was sure that the chief of the hospital himself had called Robert. Apparently, they went golfing together once a month, so Felicity was sure that he had told him that Felicity was about to leave as well as the fact that she wasn’t going to go back to Queen Manor.

Although Felicity knew that she had a reason to be angry, she couldn’t get herself to care. Being angry wasn’t going to help her, and she was actually kind of glad that Robert knew the truth now. She wouldn’t have dared to call him and tell him the truth otherwise.

“You are going into a hospice?”

Felicity nodded her head, unable to say a word. She knew she could trust Robert. If she told him what had happened, he’d listen and give her the same advice he had given Thea if she had been in the same position. Since he was Oliver’s father, and Felicity didn’t know what Oliver had told him, she didn’t want to interfere with that though. It wouldn’t be fair.

“What hospice?”

“ _Dawn of a second life_.”

“ _Dawn of a second life_.” Robert blew out an impressed breath. “I guess they couldn’t find a bigger name?”

Felicity chuckled, knowing exactly what he meant. She hadn’t liked this name either. It was too big, too corny. Since it had been the only hospice around that had been able to offer her a room for the unforeseeable time and that had agreed to do so although nobody could really say how much longer she was going to make it, she had booked a room at their building. She knew it was going to make her roll her eyes a lot, at least if they acted the way their name made it sound.

The reason why Felicity was scared of going to a hospice because she didn’t want every single second of her life to be about dying. She didn’t want any conversations about how death was going to take something from them, but also help them find peace. She wanted an escape, and she wasn’t sure if she got it.

Releasing a long sigh, Felicity shook her head. The hospices she had called were all highly recommended. She had read several assessments of people that had been there with people they loved that had died as well of people that had commented on the services before they had passed away. They had all been more than satisfied with what they had gotten for the money.

“Why?” Robert’s voice was lowered to a soft whisper. “Why did you choose to go into a hospice after all when you know that you have a home with us?”

She had a home with the Queens. Felicity knew that. She appreciated that. Maybe she even feared it because she knew that they didn’t understand the depth of what they were getting themselves into. They should know it after everything they had been through with Thea, but she had died so quickly and without any warning that maybe they didn’t think it was the same.

Maybe it wasn’t. Maybe it was at least a little bit easier because they had time to say goodbye to each other. Still, it just wasn’t as easy as they might think it was.

“It’s better that way.”

She said it surprisingly firmly. Felicity guessed that her heart was a lot surer that this was the right thing then she was getting right now. At least she was sure enough about this to do anything in her power to convince them it was better to let her go now.

“Is it because of the feeling you and Oliver had for each other?”

Felicity turned her head quickly, looking at Robert with sharp eyes. She tried to read his face and see the answer there already, but she couldn’t. She had no idea how much Oliver had told him.

“What did Oliver tell you?”

“Nothing.”

Waiting for him to continue, Felicity held her breath. She could see in Robert’s eyes that he was serious though. Oliver hadn’t told him a single word, and still he knew about their feelings for each other. He also knew that something had changed since Oliver had come home from the hospital yesterday.

Robert really was a good father, and it wasn’t the least surprising to Felicity.

With a long sigh, Felicity turned her gaze away from Oliver. She lowered her face, letting her head sink until her chin rested on the top of her chest. She felt her heart beat firmly and the little breaks she had felt every single second since she and Oliver had talked yesterday seemed to increase with every beat now.

“Oliver told me that he loved me.”

Felicity’s voice was trembling slightly, and she felt tears burning in her eyes. She didn’t want to cry though. The headache she had had all day was bad enough already. Crying would only make it worse. She couldn’t have that right now.

“Was about damn time if you ask me.”

Frowning, Felicity looked at Robert once more. “Since when do you know?”

“For a while.” Robert sighed. “Before Thea died.”

When her frown deepened, Robert looked away. It wasn’t fast enough for her to miss the glimpse of guilt in his eyes. Felicity didn’t get it. What could he possibly feel guilty about?

“I watched him distancing himself from his feelings for you. I doubt that he was really successful at doing it, but I think he tried very hard to believe that he had. I don’t know why he did it. Maybe he thought he was too broken to be good for you after Thea died. We were all so broken. I saw him losing track of who he had grown to be and what he wanted from life, and I said nothing.”

Felicity shook her head. “You had your own feelings to go through after Thea’s death. Even if you hadn’t, Oliver was an adult. I don’t think that even a fatherly advice could have helped him… or us.”

Robert seemed almost relieved that she was thinking that way. Maybe he had needed to hear that being unable to be the father that he had wanted to be for Oliver after they had lost Thea did not mean that he was a bad father. He was still one of the good ones.

“Now, what’s wrong with Oliver telling you that he loves you?” Robert asked eventually, clearing his throat from the lump Felicity was sure had built in his throat. “I always thought that you loved him too.”

Felicity pursed her lips, but she didn’t say a word. She couldn’t say the words out loud. If they said them out loud and told anyone, especially someone as close to her as Robert, that she loved Oliver, it was going to become incredibly real. She couldn’t have that. She didn’t know what she would do if that happened.

Robert loved Oliver, and he loved Felicity. She was sure that he had a lot of things to say about all of this. She just wasn’t sure if those were the right things. The gentle expression in Robert’s eyes just proved to her that he wasn’t seeing the entire picture. Again.

“Do you really want your son to lose his heart to someone who will die within the next months?”

“Oliver already has lost his heart to you.”

Felicity pressed her lips together. She knew that Robert was technically right, but he missed the point here. The more Oliver gave into this feeling, the worse it would get. She tried to protect him. Why did nobody – not Robert, not Oliver himself – get that?

“I know what you are doing.” Robert’s voice was low and gentle. “You want to protect Oliver from suffering through the pain of losing you.”

Felicity pressed her lips together even more tightly. Maybe he did understand what she was doing. In that case, Felicity guessed that he just didn’t agree with her opinion.

“I do understand you,” Robert repeated eventually, “but I don’t agree with you.”

_Bingo._

If Felicity weren’t still feeling so weak and exhausted, she’d get up and pace the room for a bit. She knew that it would make her feel a lot better. She couldn’t do this right now though. It would only show her how much she had lost already which would make the thought of what she was forcing herself to give up only worse.

“What good is it going to do if you or I or anyone tries to push Oliver away from you?” Robert’s voice was light, but his words weighed heavy. “It won’t make him fall out of love with you in case that’s what you think will happen.”

Felicity clenched her teeth. The truth was that she had no idea what exactly she thought was going to happen. She just knew – or at least she hoped – that Oliver wouldn’t suffer that much if she died. It was a fade hope, but it was all she had.

When Felicity eventually dared to look away from her feet and lock eyes with Robert, she still saw no reproach there. He really just wanted to know what exactly she was intending with all of this. Maybe he wanted to convince her otherwise too, but he wouldn’t urge her if he knew that she had made up her mind and was sure about this.

That was the point though, wasn’t it? Felicity wasn’t sure that she was doing the right thing. She broke her heart. She broke Oliver’s heart. She didn’t know if taking their chances of enjoying a little time together was going to help him ease the suffer of her death.

“When Thea died, Oliver was so, so broken,” Felicity whispered eventually, her voice trembling once more at the way her heart broke just thinking about it, “that he barely recovered from it. I don’t want that to happen to him again. I know he will grieve, but I don’t want it to be that bad. I want-“

Felicity’s voice broke, so she stopped and sucked in a deep breath. Saying it out loud only made it sound weirder and stupider if that was even possible. Then again, it told her that she didn’t really knew what she wanted. At least she wasn’t a hundred percent sure about it.

Of course she wanted to protect Oliver, but there was something else she wanted. Deep down, she wanted something else. It was selfish and dangerous, and it would break her heart as much as it would break Oliver’s, but she couldn’t help herself against it. If she was a hundred percent honest with herself, she wanted Oliver. She just couldn’t say that out loud, and she couldn’t follow this thing she wanted. It wouldn’t be fair because she wouldn’t live long enough to live with the consequences of her selfishness, while Oliver would.

“Oliver has suffered a lot when Thea died, and I don’t want that to happen to him again. I cannot put him through that again. If there is any way for me to protect him even from a fracture of the pain he might be going through, I will do that. I need to protect Oliver.”

She felt a tear rolling down her cheek and quickly wiped it away. Her head was pounding already. She couldn’t have that. It was only increasing the feeling of dizziness and exhaustion.

Robert put his hand to her head and stroked it over his head. It was the fatherliest gesture Felicity had every experienced. She felted comforted and protected at the same time. Kids growing up with their fathers doing something like that for them were certainly really lucky.

“Nothing you can do will spare Oliver any pain,” Robert told her gently, “because he will love you no matter what.”

Wasn’t that what everyone wanted? To be loved by someone no matter what?

Felicity shook her head. “He shouldn’t.”

“But he will nonetheless, Felicity. Nothing you do will make his loss mean any less. Nothing you do will make this easier for him. Besides, Oliver makes his own decisions which, if I remember correctly, you told me a couple of seconds ago, so you should know better than to make a decision for him. Besides, in all of this, we are always talking about Oliver, but there are two people in this as it should be in any good relationship. So, Felicity, what do you want?”

Another tear fell from Felicity’s eye. A lot more followed. Felicity let her face sink into her hand and sobbed.

Robert was right. Nothing she could do was going to prevent Oliver from going through unbelievable pain. Nothing she could do was going to prevent him from feeling as lost as he had left after Thea’s death. Nothing she could do was going to take his pain away from her. No matter how much she wanted it.

Soothingly, Robert rubbed his hand up and down Felicity’s spine. He didn’t say a word. He just sat there and waited for her to say anything once she was ready. It was exactly what she needed because she couldn’t say or hear anything for now.

She loved Oliver so much. She loved the idea of getting a chance at exploring what could be between them. She knew that it might not necessarily be the fairytale-like love she was envisioning in her wildest dreams. Still, it might be something good or even something great.

If she pushed Oliver away and neve really gave it a try, she would never know. She would die, not knowing if the man who had grown into be her best friend so easily might have actually been the love of her short life.

Felicity just wasn’t sure if she really wanted to try it. She wasn’t sure what would change within her if she discovered that she had found love so close before it was over. She didn’t really know anything other than that she almost hoped that it was going to be over soon.

She really wanted things to be over. She wanted her life to be over.

As if Robert knew what Felicity was thinking – maybe the particularly loud sob that fell from her lips gave her away – he wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pulled her against his chest. As soon as Felicity’s head sank against his shoulder, Robert tightened his arms around her and rested his chin on top of her head. His lips pressed down on the crown of it gently before his chin was resting back there again.

“I know life is forcing you through a hard decision,” he whispered eventually, rocking her from one side to the other like a toddler you were trying to sing to sleep, “and it’s not fair. Nobody should be urged to make this kind of decision, especially at your age. I know that you are stronger than most people though, and I know that you will make the right decision eventually. You will make the decision that you know is best for you because, although it’s scary, it’s the thing you need to do. You owe it to yourself.”

Robert put his hands to her cheeks, cradling her face in his gentle touch and angled her head back until she was looking at him. Through the tears in her eyes, she was looking at him. The expression in Robert’s eyes was still comforting and soothing, but it did little to calm the hurricane of emotions wrecking through her right now.

“You have to make the decision that you know is best for you,” he repeated once more, “because it’s what you need to do. You owe yourself some happiness, and Oliver owes himself to really let himself fall into love, no matter how badly it will hurt eventually.”

Maybe Robert was right, but maybe he was wrong. Fact was that Felicity couldn’t tell. She had no idea what was right or wrong anymore. How could she?

“You have to make this decision though,” Robert told her, “I can’t make it for you, and I won’t. I will leave you alone to make your decision, waiting in the car all day if necessary. I don’t have any appointments, so please don’t feel urged to hurry with your decision. I have got a great book with me to read until you have made your decision.”

Robert angled his head brushed his lips against Felicity’s temple. When he pulled back, he looked at her urgently, making sure that Felicity knew that he was serious. He was going to wait all day, longer if necessary. Then he left her alone, leaving her behind to make her decision.

However long it took.

* * *

The knuckles of his hands as well as the muscles of his shoulders were aching – even more so, they were screaming in pain – from exhaustion. Fine drops of sweat were running down Oliver’s forehead, dropping from his eyebrows into his eyes. It clouded his view and made his eyes burn, but he tried to fight it.

Since he had left the hospital last night, Oliver was going back and forth between beating himself up for telling Felicity what he was feeling for her and convincing himself that going to the hospital and shake her until she realized that she wasn’t protecting him. Oliver knew that trying to protect him was the reason she had told him to leave. She didn’t want him to suffer.

He’d suffer either way though. Felicity just didn’t see that.

In an uncareful moment, when Oliver lunged out particularly far, John dropped the boxing pad. Oliver knew he was going to fight back now and hurried to hit his fist right into his friend’s shoulder. John was quicker though. He ducked away from Oliver’s punch and took a step towards him, putting Oliver’s head in a headlock.

“Okay, okay,” Oliver said, lifting his hands in defeat, because he knew that he couldn’t possibly win against John at this point, “I surrender.”

John didn’t have to be told twice, so he let go of Oliver, who quickly distanced himself from his friend. He took three steps back on the training mat, already opening the hook and loop fasteners of his boxing gloves with his teeth. As soon as he could, he shook the gloves off his hands and let them drop to the ground.

“Water?”

Oliver nodded his head and quickly lifted his hand, just in time to catch the bottle of water that was tossed right at him. The bottle landed against the palm of his hand, so he could quickly wrap his fingers around it. He opened the bottle and took some well-needed gulps of the cool liquid.

When Oliver closed the bottle again, he realized that John was almost staring at him. At least his eyes were focused on him intently, and there was a scrutinizing expression in his eyes.

“What?”

Oliver knew John well enough to know that he had something to say to him. He was sure that he didn’t want to hear it, but he had to ask either way. If John didn’t tell him what he was thinking now, he would continue looking at him like that for the rest of the day, probably even longer.

“How are you feeling with all of this?”

“All of what?”

Oliver knew that he sounded pissed which wasn’t fair to John, who was certainly just honestly interested in hearing what Oliver was thinking and feeling. He was his friend after all. Still, Oliver couldn’t help himself.

“Being engaged to Felicity. Seeing her cramp so badly after that. The fact she has been in the hospital ever since.”

Three things Oliver really didn’t talk about right now. His engagement to Felicity felt like it was over before they had gotten a real chance of celebrating it. The moments of seeing her cramp still haunted him in his dreams. That she had been in the hospital ever since didn’t sit well with him, but he knew it was only giving him a taste of what his future without her would look like. Because of the way he had pushed the boundaries of their friendship – or maybe because she was too scared to give them a try – he was losing her sooner than he had expected her to.

Oliver couldn’t and didn’t want to talk about any of that. That was why he just shrugged his shoulders. Then he turned away and tried to busy himself with the hem of his shirt as the lose thread there seemed to be the only barely interesting thing there was.

All morning, he had gone back and forth between whether or not he should go to the hospital and talk to her once more. He had considered taking his words back, but he knew it would be a lie. The truth – his feelings for Felicity and his wish to have a future, however short it might be – was finally out there. Taking it back was only going to be a lie, and he wouldn’t lie.

The rising of his heckles told Oliver that, as much as he tried to make this subject seem finished, it wasn’t finished for John. His friend was looking right through his façade, and he wanted him to say more about this. He wanted him to say the truth about how he was feeling.

As little as Oliver was willing to give in to that, he knew that he didn’t really have a choice. John would make him talk one way or the other. The sooner he gave in, the sooner he could try to move on from this conversation.

“I told Felicity that I loved her and that I wanted to be together.” Oliver continued to stare at the lose thread like it was a lifesaving thing. “She rejected any real conversation because she thinks that her sickness should stop us or me for that matter and told me to go.”

“And you went?”

There wasn’t really a reproach in John’s voice, but Oliver felt like it was one after all. With anger in his eyes, he turned around and looked at his friend.

“She is sick, John.” He said the words with emphasis like saying them should be enough there was. “She is sick. She is still recovering from her latest setback. She needs rest. If she tells me to go, I go.”

“Probably a wise decision.”

Oliver had known that John wouldn’t reproach him for leaving since he knew how much courage it must have cost him to tell Felicity that he loved her. Maybe he would convince him that he should go back now, but he agreed that leaving hadn’t been an act of cowardice or anything like that. It had been a decision to spare Felicity’s energy.

That John wasn’t condemning his actions made Oliver a little more willing to talk about this. He knew he could talk to John when he couldn’t talk to anyone else. His parents might not know it yet, but they were still quite busy processing Felicity’s sickness. It was reminding them of Thea’s death although they hadn’t gotten any time to process that it was going to come.

“I know that Felicity is sick and I know that it makes things difficult,” Oliver replied with a low sigh in his voice, “but that shouldn’t stop us. We have so little time left that we should use it. Besides, if Felicity is feeling anything like I am, she can’t push those feelings aside forever.”

She just couldn’t. Oliver had gotten distracted from his feelings after Thea had died, but he had never really been able to push them away. If Felicity felt a fraction of what he was feeling for her, she wouldn’t be able to hide from her feelings or run from them.

“Do you think she has feelings for you?”

He could taste the little, hopeful word _yes_ on the tip of his tongue. He wanted to believe that Felicity loved him as much as he loved her. It would break his heart if it was any different because he and Felicity had almost always been on the same side.

There had been a time when Oliver had been almost sure that he and Felicity were feeling the same way for each other. There had been those almost magical moments. All it would have required for them to kiss was for either of them to gather their courage and make the first move. It would have been as natural as breathing.

A lot had happened since then though. Oliver had changed a lot, and Felicity had certainly seen him at his worst and weakest. He couldn’t count the number of times she had found him completely drunk and helped him to get into bed. She had held his head and rubbed his back when he had needed to throw up, and she had held him when he had cried like a baby.

“I don’t know.” Oliver lowered his eyes to his feet and shrugged his shoulders once more. “Five years ago, I could have sworn that she was falling in love with me too, but she had seen so many sides of me. She has seen so many dark sides of me. So much times has passed. Maybe… I don’t know. Maybe too much has happened.”

It was a thought that would probably never leave him. For the rest of his life, Oliver knew he was going to ask him if he and Felicity had been destined to be together and life had just decided to open a war against destiny. Whatever higher powers there were had decided to fight against everything that had made his and Felicity’s paths cross and just do everything in their power to keep them apart.

It was sappy and almost a little poetic which really wasn’t Oliver’s usual style, but he couldn’t help himself. Apparently, fearing this loss was making everything worse.

The low sound of a throat being cleared came from behind him. Oliver didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. He would recognize her and every sound she made instantly. If he hadn’t been so wrapped up in his thoughts, he would have noticed she was there even without hearing her.

When Oliver turned around now, he saw Felicity standing close to the door. Her face looked white except from the dark rings under her eyes. There was a nervous expression in them, but it was clouded by the exhaustion there. She was holding her hands in front of her stomach. Her right hand was holding the left one, her thumb massaging the palm of her hand although she probably couldn’t fell any of it.

Oliver knew that he was staring at her. He couldn’t help himself though. He hadn’t been sure if he got to see her ever again in this life.

“You’re here.”

It was a stupid thing to say because it was obvious that she was here. Still, he didn’t know what else to say.

Felicity shrugged her shoulder. “Your dad convinced me that I should come here.”

_Instead of going into a hospice_. The words stayed unsaid, but they lingered in the room between them. Felicity had given up on life. That was why she didn’t want to give love a chance now, and that was also why she wanted to go to a house that was the last stop of sick people.

“He asked me to come to the mansion, I mean,” Felicity added eventually and fumbled with her hand nervously, “and I guessed you would be in here, so I decided to go upstairs and… check if I was right.”

Of course she was right. She knew him so well that she would always know where to find him. It shouldn’t be surprising. They had that kind of connection.

There was another thought popping up in his head though. Felicity had been actively looking for him which probably meant that she wanted to talk to him. He hoped that it was a good sign, but he didn’t want to be too hopeful.

“Is that safe?”

It was John asking the question, and Oliver couldn’t be more relieved. He wasn’t sure that he would have found the courage to ask because he was too afraid about the answer.

Again, Felicity shrugged her shoulder, before she replied, “Those seizures can happen more often now, but the doc said it was okay for me to leave. I got a medicament that is supposed to prevent these, but it’s not like it will work a hundred percent. These seizures can happen nonetheless.”

Nothing was really safe the way it was. This tumor was unpredictable, except for the fact that it was going to kill her.

John crossed the room and wrapped his arms around Felicity. Between his trunk-like biceps and against his broad chest, she looked even tinier than she was. She seemed to enjoy being in John’s arms though because she closed her eyes with a low sigh of content and snuggled into the hug.

She looked comfortable like that. Oliver could see that easily. She was so close to John that just this hug alone was making her feel a little bit better. Unsurprisingly, it made Oliver felt better too.

When John let go of her eventually, he smiled gently. “I should go.”

He said it to her, but it was clear that it was meant as a statement to both of them. They should get a chance to talk to each other. As long as he was there, they couldn’t do that. John knew that as well as Oliver and Felicity knew it, too.

John put his hands to Felicity’s shoulders and looked at her intensely. He released a long sigh then. A deep furrow formed between his eyebrows, telling Oliver that John had been quite worried about Felicity too. For Oliver’s sake, he had done his best to hide it though.

“I am glad that you are okay because you scared the hell out of me there for a moment.” He leaned over and brushed his lips against her cheek. “Keep your chin up.”

Felicity shot him a brief smile. John squeezed her shoulders in response. Shooting only a brief, but all the more meaningful glance towards Oliver, John eventually left.

Although Oliver knew what John had meant to say with that last glance, Oliver had trouble to act accordingly. All he could do was standing there like a complete idiot, watching Felicity, while she was looking at her feet. Just like he himself, she seemed to try gathering the courage she needed to talk to him.

When she lifted her gaze eventually, she sucked in a deep breath. She didn’t look particularly uncomfortable, but it still took a lot form her.

“Can we please sit down?”

Oliver was surprised that Felicity asked it, or maybe he wasn’t. He wasn’t sure. Given how exhausted she looked, he guessed that he shouldn’t have been surprised about it though.

“Sure.”

Massaging the back of his neck nervously, Oliver looked around. There wasn’t really anything to sit down and talk comfortably. Maybe they could sit down on the training bench and-

His thoughts came to a sudden stop when Felicity made a much easier decision. She simply sat down on the training mats, cross-legged and with her hands in her lap. Her gaze was lowered to her hands again. Only now Oliver realized that her eyes weren’t just glued to her fingers. They were glues to the engagement ring she was still wearing. She was still wearing it.

Carefully, Oliver sat down across from her. He mirrored her position, crossing his legs and keeping his hands in his lap. He looked down at his hand. Not for the first time, he wondered how his hand would look with a wedding band around his ring finger. He was certainly going to like it since it was going to remind him of the eternal connection he had made with Felicity.

Oliver could only hope that he would get a chance at making this connection with Felicity. He knew it was a fade hope, but he still had it.

“I am sorry for reacting the way that I did.”

Surprised by her apology, Oliver lifted his gaze. Felicity looked hones though. She was really feeling sorry that she had reacted the way that she had.

“I am sorry too,” he said, swallowing all the words of love that threatened to fell from his lips again, “because I know that I ambushed you with this, and I shouldn’t have done that. Given how you were still recovering from-“

“No.” Felicity shook her head firmly. “I shouldn’t have reacted the way I did. It was harsh and unfair and a million other things that I can’t even describe right now. I know that I shouldn’t have said what I said, especially with that firmness and-“

“If that is what you feel, it was better that you told me because-“

“I don’t know what I feel.”

She was almost breathless saying that as the words had just fallen from her lips so quickly. Her cheeks turned red at the way she was looking at him, and she lowered her gaze quickly.

Oliver just watched her for a long moment. He wanted to give her time, making her know that it was okay if she couldn’t say what she was feeling because she really didn’t know. It was okay not to know, and it was okay that this conversation wasn’t easy for her.

As much as Oliver tried to keep his thoughts straight, they were spinning. Felicity didn’t know what she was feeling. Although it wasn’t what he had hoped to hear from her, it was still better than the way they had left the last time. There was a tiny little bit of hope that maybe she was feeling for him the way he was feeling for her too.

“The problem is that I feel so detached from the future,” Felicity whispered eventually, the highness of her voice telling Oliver that she was close to tears even before she lifted her gaze to look at him with glassy eyes, “because I know that I don’t really have any, at least not a long one.”

It wasn’t easy on her. Oliver had always known that it couldn’t be easy on her, but now was the first time that he could really see her struggling with it. She had always done her best to hide her feelings, trying to make it seem like she had processed her impending death already. Now, for the first time since she had told him about her sickness, she was letting her guard down. That she was doing that in front of him meant a lot to Oliver because it was saying a lot about how much she trusted him.

There was a not-so-small part in Oliver that wanted to tell her how he was feeling for her again, so she knew that she did have a future with him. He knew better than that though. Her eyes told him that she was so very tired and incredibly insecure about all of this. She didn’t know what she was feeling, and she wasn’t ready to discover it now.

Since she didn’t know what she was feeling and Oliver didn’t want to push her for that, he thought about something else. He focused on the fear and the real emotions in her eyes. Although he could see it in her eyes, Oliver still needed to hear the words from her. He and Felicity had been through so much, and they had always been honest to each other. They should be honest to each other now too.

“Are you scared?”

It shouldn’t have been as much of a question was it was, but Oliver knew it was better than confronting her with the fact that he knew that she was scared. She might react to his words with rejection, unwilling to let anyone see how she really felt.

When Felicity’s eyes met his, she released along sigh. Her shoulders slumped slightly and her fingers laced together. She lowered her eyes to her fingers once more, taking her time to decide on an answer.

“Death can’t hurt me more than having cancer does,” Felicity whispered eventually, lifting he gaze towards him once more, “it really can’t.”

Oliver could see in Felicity’s eyes that she was being honest here. In her mind, nothing could possible be worse than that. For her, cancer was her worst enemy.

She had been seven years old when she had had cancer the first time, and she had suffered badly from it. She had spent a lot of her childhood in the hospital, away from other kids of her age. Cancer has driven her into the position of a weirdo because she hadn’t been like the usual kids her age. She never had been, Oliver guessed, but cancer had certainly made it worse.

Oliver reached out his hand and grabbed her right hand. He laced his fingers through hers and pulled her hand into his lap. Felicity lifted her gaze, locking her eyes with his. There was an expression of helplessness in there, the same helplessness that had been his companion in the last weeks.

“I don’t want to prolong my suffer,” Felicity whispered, her fingers holding onto Oliver’s fingers a little bit more tightly, “because I know it will only get worse. Really, I am more afraid of what other symptoms will show up than about dying. Is that crazy?”

Without hesitating, Oliver shook his head. “No, of course not. Nothing you feel about the situation you are in could be crazy. You have a right to all of your feelings, and nobody should be allowed to tell you otherwise.”

Felicity smiled in silent gratitude. The smile was more in her eyes than it was on her lips. Oliver could see it nonetheless, though. Since the smile had been barely more than a glimpse, it disappeared before Oliver could find some comfort in it. It was his turn to smile at Felicity comfortingly.

“I’m scared of what comes next,” Felicity whispered, her voice so low now that Oliver barely dared to breathe, “and I am afraid of what will happen to the people I leave behind. There aren’t too many because my mom is dead, and I couldn’t care less about my father, but you and your parents… I-”

When tears ran down her cheeks, Oliver tugged at Felicity’s hand. She hesitated only briefly before she crawled over and sat down in his lap with her legs wrapped around his hips and her right arm wrapped around his neck. Her chest was pressed so close to his that Oliver could feel the wild beating of her heart. With a low sob, she dropped her head to his shoulder and hid her face in the crook of his neck.

Oliver wrapped his arms around Felicity’s trembling body quickly. He held her as close to him as possible, closing his eyes with long sigh. He angled his head a little, pressing his nose against her shoulder and breathing her in. He couldn’t even say how much he had missed Felicity these last hours. Holding her like this made him feel safe and comforted, and he hoped it was the same for her.

“We are going to miss you like hell,” Oliver whispered, his arms tightening around her once more, “ _I_ am going to miss you like hell.”

He felt his throat burning and his chest tightening at admitting this. Swallowing all the words of how he was really feeling had always felt and maybe even been easier. As hard as it was talking about it now, especially to Felicity, he already felt that it was the right thing to do. It was long overdue.

Sucking in a deep breath, he took all of his courage to say the next words. Since he knew how important it was that Felicity heard these words and believed them, he pulled back slightly. He put both of his hands to Felicity’s cheeks, framing her face with his hands gently, and looked at her intently.

“Felicity, you are the only one who is important right now though. It doesn’t matter how it will affect my mom or my dad or even me. We will cope with it if we know that you felt safe and taken care of during your last weeks. You shouldn’t feel alone because you are not alone.”

Oliver could almost see the words sinking in with Felicity. The soft trembles that made her body shake slightly ebbed away slowly. Her eyes found more focus. The uncalm expression in his eyes calmed down.

Tears were still running down her cheeks and with another low sob, Felicity rested her forehead against Oliver’s. The tip of her nose bumped against his. Her breath was ghosting over his chin. Her lips were barely a breath away. He could almost taste them already. It made goosebumps spread all the way down his back, and the small hairs on his forearms rose.

It was so easy to just lean in and capture Felicity’s lips with his. He thought back to their moment in the library when being silly had led to him kissing her. It had felt so good and so right. Oliver would love to experience that again.

Now was just not the time since Felicity was crying. If he kissed her now, she would probably give into it, but it would be ambushing her. He didn’t want that. Life was ambushing her already, so he shouldn’t be doing the same thing. Their timing was just bad which shouldn’t be surprising. He and Felicity really had bad timing it seemed. It had felt like he had thought about that now wasn’t the time for anything important too many times in the last weeks.

“Are you coming home now?”

Without pulling away, Felicity nodded her head. She was going to stay. She was going to stay here. She was staying with him.

“Can I continue making your wishes come true?”

Again, Felicity nodded her head before she leaned it against his forehead even more firmly. She moved her face slightly, causing her nose to rub against his in the best way possible. Oliver put his hand to the back of her head, combing her hair with his fingers gently.

He loved her so much, and she’d make all of her dreams come true if she just let him.

Before Oliver could say anything more, Felicity suddenly stiffened slightly. He was about to ask her what was wrong, worried that she was feeling unwell, but Felicity pulled away quickly. For a second, Oliver fears that she was moving away from him completely. Instead, she just pulled away enough, so she could look at him through the tears in her eyes.

Taking in rushed and quick breathes, she wiped the tears from her cheeks with her right hand. Oliver could see that she was trying to get a hold on herself. Knowing that she needed help with that, he put both of his hands to her cheeks and looked at her intensely. As soon as her focus was on him, Oliver took in a deep breath and Felicity followed suit.

They breathed together like this several times. He could see Felicity calming down and getting a handle on herself, and he felt the same effects on himself too. His heartbeat slowed down. Oxygen flowed through his veins.

“I-“ Felicity’s voice was hoarse, so she stopped and cleared it quickly. “I wrote into the book that I wanted to meet my dad, right?”

Oliver nodded his head slowly, unsure where this was going. He guessed that it was the one wish that she didn’t want to be fulfilled because it wasn’t really a wish for her anymore. She was no little girl, wondering why her daddy had left her. Maybe she still wondered and maybe it still made her feel like she was a little girl, but she knew that it wasn’t her fault that her father had left. That was why she could live without ever seeing or talking to him again.

“I think that wish already came true.”

Frowning, Oliver tugged a strand of hair that was clutched to Felicity’s wet cheek out of her face. His fingers bushed against her tender skin after that, and Felicity leaned her face into his touch with a long sigh of content.

“Today, I realized that, though I will never see my dad again, that’s just not that bad because I have found a new dad in yours. Robert is… he’s not my dad, but he is as the best father-figure I could have hoped for. Is that weird?”

“No.” Oliver didn’t hesitate. He shook his head firmly. “No, that’s not weird at all.”

Felicity was right indeed. Robert was certainly a good father-figure. Oliver had probably complained a lot about his dad when he had been a child or a teenager, but he knew now that he could have had a much worse dad. At least his dad loved him and he cared about him.

He also cared about Felicity.

“Everything that’s mine is yours,” Oliver told Felicity with soft voice, earning him a little smile, “including my dad.”

Felicity dropped her head back against his forehead and closed her eyes once more. A long sigh fell from her lips, and she moved the tips of her finger through the short hair at the back of his head, just letting all of this sink in.

Just like he had said, Oliver knew that everything that was his was indeed Felicity’s too – whether it was his home, his dad or his heart. Everything that he had or would ever have was going to be Felicity’s too.


	9. Depression

Taking a first bite from the apple he had grabbed before he had taken his long stroll through the garden, Oliver stepped into the foyer of his home. The spacious entrance area of Queen Manor was often seen as some kind of door to a fairytale-like world. At least that was what some of the people that had been invited to his birthday parties when he had been a kid and some of the girls that he had invited over later had always told him.

For him, it had always been a hallway and nothing more. He guessed it was the fact that he had grown up here, being used to this luxury, that had caused him to think so little about how giant and impressive this room alone was.

Christmastime was the only time in the year when the entrance area felt like more than a hallway. In the time around Christmas, everything was decorated with that corny stuff you would usually only see in those Hallmark movies. It was incredibly loud and bright, and its colors made it almost look like something made for children. Oliver didn’t mind though. He loved this corny, childish stuff.

Never had he believed that this corny, childish stuff made of loud and bright colors would decorate the entrance area in the middle of September. As much as his mother had always loved Christmas too, she had insisted that Christmas decorations should not be hung up before Thanksgiving, and she had kicked them out of the house as soon as Christmas had been over. A Christmas Tree in the entrance area before November had always been unthinkable.

Everything was different this year though. Well, it wasn’t really the entire year. The year had been normal until Felicity had told them how sick she was.

Oliver tried to ignore the ache he felt in his heart. It didn’t matter how well he knew what was going to happen in the future. Whenever he thought about it again, he felt his heart sink though. He wasn’t ready or willing to take the full truth yet. It was too difficult, way too difficult and way too much.

Anyway, Felicity had wished to celebrate a real Christmas, so Oliver had moved everything he could to make it happen. He would have even moved the impossible if that had been necessary. He would have moved heaven and hell to make sure that Felicity got to celebrate a real – even if slightly too warm – Christmas. He’d do everything for her.

Smiling, Oliver looked at the tree. He doubted that they had ever had a tree that was this beautiful. It was tall, its brenches dense. The lights were spread over it evenly. Colorful baubles and other decorations had been wrapped around it.

It wasn’t just the view the tree offered that made Oliver so happy though. The memories connected to decorating it made it even more special than any lights or decorations themselves could ever do. They had spent all day yesterday decorating the tree and the rest of the house. They had had so much fun, decorating and singing Christmas songs.

Oliver smiled to himself. He had been singing Christmas songs. Felicity hadn’t known any of them, not really. Sometimes, she had been able to hum the melody along to his singing. She had never known the lyrics though.

Letting his gaze travel to the star at the top of the tree, Oliver’s smile widened even more. He had taken Felicity on his shoulders, the way his dad has always taken Thea on his shoulders, so she could reach it. Her eyes had beamed with joy when she had put the star there, putting the last item to the decorations. She had been so happy.

Once Oliver had let her back down to the floor, he had put his arms around her shoulders and tugged her to his side. She had wrapped her arm around his waist, resting her head on his shoulder. She had hummed the melody of the song he had sung for her before, _Have yourself a little merry Christmas_ if Oliver remembered correctly.

Maybe Felicity didn’t know much about Christmas, but she had already given him one of the best pre-Christmas times he had experienced so far. She just fit into his picture of a perfect Christmas perfectly. It was a holiday to spend the with the people you loved most after all.

That thought made him feel as light as he always did before Christmas. The expectation of a warm and heartfelt time was in the air, and Oliver could feel it filling him whenever he breathed in. It made him smile and fill all of his cells with gratitude for what was about to come.

Inspired by his memory, Oliver started humming the melody of _Have yourself a little merry Christmas_ while he strolled down into kitchen. The smell of delicious food and was in the air. Even if the scent hadn’t given it away already, Oliver wouldn’t have been surprised anyway. Raisa had always worked her magic on Christmas, and she was certainly adding even a little bit of extra effort to this Christmas given how much she liked Felicity.

The kitchen looked a little bit like a battlefield although that probably wasn’t fair. Compared to what it would look like if anyone but Raisa would be the one cooking, it still was very neat and tidy. It was a well-organized battlefield after all.

“You are in a very good mood today.”

Raisa shot a brief look back over her shoulder and smiled at Oliver with relief. She hadn’t missed how depressed Oliver had been in the last weeks. As much as he had tried to hide it, Raisa just knew him too well.

“It’s Christmas Eve,” Oliver replied, “so of course I am in a very good mood.”

“In that case, you won’t need to try a cookie to brighten your day, I guess.”

“Well, you can never be happy enough for a cookie to not make things better.”

Oliver trashed the rest of his apple and grabbed one of the cookies instead. Trying a cookie before it was actually time for cookie had always been a privilege given to him and Thea. Only they had ever been allowed to do it, unlike Robert. He had tried to get this privilege too, but Raisa had always slapped his fingers away, saying he could wait.

Ever year, Raisa experimented with her usual recipe a little. That way, there was always a little bit of surprise there. This year, she had used more chocolate, Oliver realized, and she had even used tripe chocolate chips for the cookies too. It was delicious, one of his most favored versions really, and Oliver already knew that Felicity would love it too.

Raisa was a good and honest soul, and Oliver couldn’t be more grateful to have her in his life. Especially now.

“Thank you for helping,” Oliver said, leaning against the kitchen counter next to her, “I know that all this Christmas food is a lot of work and-“

“You don’t have to thank me.” Raisa put the knife away and turned around to look at Oliver intently. “I do it gladly. Ms. Felicity is such a nice girl. She always has been.”

Oliver nodded his head. Felicity was a nice person, more than nice.

“And she stole your heart.”

Oliver released a long sigh, not at all surprised that Raisa knew about his feelings for Felicity or even confronted him with them. She had pushed him in the right direction a couple of times before.

By now, the entire house seemed to know about his feelings for Felicity. John had confronted him about it. His mother had talked him into telling Felicity about it. His father had talked to Felicity about what was going on. Now Raisa.

Apparently, he and Felicity were as readable as books when it came to their feelings for one another or the feelings he certainly had for her and that he still believed she had for him too. Looking back, he had no idea why nobody had confronted him or Felicity about it before. Maybe everything would be different now if someone had told him to get his head out of his ass and take this step before.

“It’s just not the right time. Felicity has other things on her mind. Sadly.”

Since Felicity had come back home almost a week ago, they hadn’t continued talking about his declaration of love or what she had told him after that. He had told her that he loved her. His feelings were out in the open. She had told him that she didn’t know what she was feeling, so he guessed that her feelings were kind of out in the open too.

Oliver bit back a sigh. He would have loved to have a clearer answer on her feelings. He wasn’t good at _maybe_ s after all, at least not if he wasn’t the one dangling them. Since he knew that Felicity had been completely honest with him when she had told him that she didn’t know what she was feeling, he didn’t want to push.

Like he had said to Raisa, she had other things on her mind.

“You are doing really well here despite all of this.” Raisa smiled warmly. “Making these wishes for Ms. Felicity come true is a really nice of you.”

Oliver shrugged his shoulders. “It’s the least I can do. She has done so much more for me.”

Raisa nodded her head. “She has been an angel, your guardian angel really after Ms. Thea died.”

Oliver nodded his head, already feeling his throat close. It felt sore a tight lump made it impossible to talk. Even breathing was hard.

“It will be odd losing Ms. Felicity after we have already lost Ms. Thea.”

Looking at Raisa, Oliver saw that her gaze was directed towards the window. She was looking outside, but her eyes were almost empty. It looked like she wasn’t seeing anything really. She was probably caught up in her memories of the dark weeks and months that had followed Thea’s death.

Oliver had thought back to it more times than he wanted to admit, and it had caused goosebumps to spread on his skin every single time. He had suffered so much from losing Thea. It-

Squeezing his eyes shut, Oliver pressed his lips together and took in a deep breath. He couldn’t think about that right now. He had done so a lot of times and it had never contributed anything good to this entire situation. He wouldn’t allow this dark comparison to ruin this very special Christmas for him. It wouldn’t be fair to him, and it wouldn’t be fair to Felicity. She would notice that there was something going on with him, and she wouldn’t be able to enjoy this holiday as much as she was supposed to.

Oliver opened his eyes quickly and cleared his throat before he explained, “I will check on Felicity.”

He escaped the kitchen before Raisa could say anything more. He took large and quick steps through the hallways and away from the kitchen. He never looked back, too worried that Raisa could call after him. He only stopped when he was back in the entrance hall, standing opposite the Christmas tree once more.

Christmas was a happy time, and he wouldn’t let anything destroy that for him, especially not some stupid tumor that threatened to take the most important person from him.

With that thought in mind, he took the first couples of stairs. He needed to see Felicity. He had given her more than enough time to surprise him.

As soon as he turned into the hallway, he could hear Felicity’s laughter. It was joined by a voice that Oliver recognized as his mother’s hairdresser’s as well as some Christmas music. They seemed to be having a lot of fun which Oliver guessed was a good sign. He hadn’t been completely convinced of his plan, but he had gone with it because it had been on Felicity’s list. She could have said no anytime, but she had actually seemed quite excited about it. Who was he to cause doubts?

Stepping in front of the door, Oliver lifted his fist and knocked at the door lightly.

“Come in,” Felicity’s voice replied lightly, “if you dare.”

Oliver didn’t know what exactly to make out of that, but he decided that going in was better than staying outside and continuing to wonder about it. Taking in a deep breath, he opened the door and felt his eyes widen at the sight he was met with.

“Wow.”

Felicity grinned almost mischievously. She probably knew exactly what was going on inside of his head right now. Since they had first met, he had only ever known her to be a blonde. He did know that she was naturally dark-haired. He had seen it on some old photos she had kept in her apartment, but he had never really seen it live, and he couldn’t really imagine seeing it.

“When I read that you wanted to dye your hair in a crazy color, I never thought it would be-“

“-pink?”

“Yeah.” Oliver chuckled. “I thought you’d go for strawberry blonde or maybe or – I don’t know – maybe a light brown, but this?”

Still chuckling, he stepped closer to Felicity and framed her head with his hands. He looked at the blush pink color of her hair that framed her beautiful face. She looked a little bit like a lollipop, a beautiful little lollipop.

“Is it crazy?”

Felicity’s eyes were full of doubts. She had her front teeth buried in her bottom lip, looking at him with held breath. His opinion was important to her, he realized, much more important than Oliver had thought was possible. It made his heart skip a beat which, he guessed, was stupid. They had been best friends for years, so of course his opinion wasn’t unimportant to her. She had always liked to hear what he was thinking, then again everything was different now.

As much as he had continued to tell himself that he shouldn’t read too much into anything Felicity said or did, he couldn’t help himself. Seeing her look at him like this right now made it impossible not to wonder if maybe she was rethinking her opinion that they didn’t have a chance. Even now that he told himself that he shouldn’t think about it and shouldn’t be too hopeful, he had trouble following that good intention.

“Crazy, but not too crazy,” he replied eventually, “it suits you.”

Felicity smiled with relief at that answer, letting her face sink into the touch of his hands. When Oliver brushed his thumbs over the soft skin covering her cheekbones, she closed her eyes with a content sigh. Her hands came to cover his, keeping them against the sides of her face.

She looked peaceful, Oliver thought to himself, and it wasn’t the first time. It was amazing how she found those little moments of peace despite everything she was going through. It was enviable. He wished that he could get these moments of peace too. He got a sense of those when he was around Felicity, but it was never like it should be.

Looking at Felicity intensely, Oliver felt himself close to that peaceful moment again. He felt as light as a feather. It was so easy to lose himself in her eyes. They seemed to be trying to pull her in, and he was so willing to lose himself in the blue of her eyes. Even if he tried, he knew he wouldn’t be able. He couldn’t let himself fall, not right now.

Only when a low noise made him snap out of his thoughts, Oliver realized that he and Felicity had been left alone in the room. Felicity seemed to notice it too. With a quick look around, she blushed and stepped out of his touch quickly. She lowered her gaze, unable to meet his eyes.

Oliver squeezed his eyes shut and shuffled his feet for a moment. Felicity needed time and room. She was just finding back into life after that moment of seizure when her life had been on the line. At least it had felt like that.

“So, have you already decided what to wear tonight?”

Oliver tried to sound lightly, but he was almost sure that Felicity could hear the beat of heaviness in his voice nonetheless.

“I, uhm,” Felicity stuttered, obviously confused by his sudden interest in fashion, “thought I’d go with that red dress with the zippers your parents gave to me for my last birthday. Or do you think it’s not fitting for the occasion?”

Felicity in red was fitting for any occasion. Oliver didn’t say that out loud though. He swallowed the words down hard instead, biting his tongue. He knew he shouldn’t say them out loud.

“It’s perfect,” he promised her honestly and flashed her an encouraging smile, “exactly what my mom would have chosen for you.”

She had used to choose a dress for Thea, just like Thea had chosen a dress for their mom. It had been their little Christmas tradition, a mother-daughter-thing Oliver hadn’t really gotten before. He didn’t know when he had started to understand it, but he believed that he did now. At least a little.

“Christmas Eve.” Felicity said the words like they were all that needed to be said. “It feels crazy to celebrate it in September. It’s too warm.”

Oliver smiled. He looked at her hair. She had thought that her hair color was crazy. Now celebrating Christmas in September was crazy. Obviously, there was a pattern when it came to Felicity and doing crazy things, especially to make her wishes come true.

“I like crazy.”

Apparently, Felicity didn’t miss the meaning of his words. The expression in her eyes intensified. Her breath stuttered a little.

Oliver bit down on his tongue. A part of him regretted saying those words when the other part knew that it had been the only right and honest thing to say. Well, if he had been more honest, he must have said that he loved crazy, but he knew it would only make things more awkward. There was a terrible gap between what he knew he felt and what he thought he was able to say. He had been honest before, and it had almost driven Felicity away from him. He didn’t know how much he could say now to make her know that he loved her and was here for her without scaring her away. He felt like it was a small line to walk.

The Christmas music that had been playing in the back the entire time came to his conscience once more. Quickly, he grabbed Felicity’s left hand and wrapped her arm around the back of his neck. Then he also grabbed her right hand, holding it in his tightly, wrapped his left arm around her waist and started dancing with her though _swinging to the rhythm of the music_ was probably the more fitting way to describe it. It was a well-known secret that Oliver Queen couldn’t dance, or at least he didn’t like too.

When Felicity perked up her eyebrows and looked at him with surprise, Oliver grinned. He knew that she was thinking about the same thing. He could see the surprise about his actions sparkling in her eyes.

“You don’t dance.”

Chuckling, Oliver tightened his arm around her waist and leaned his forehead against hers for a moment and looked at her intently.

“I make an exception for Christmas.”

He had hesitated briefly before saying that last word, and it hadn’t gone unnoticed by Felicity. Apparently, dancing to distract from the awkwardness that had followed his confession that he liked crazy was only making things more awkward. At least they would if he didn’t get a hold on his tongue.

It was weird. As much as he tried to hold back from telling Felicity that he loved her over and over again, some suspicious words about his feelings snuck their way to her ear nonetheless. Maybe it was only the fact that she knew about his feelings now that made everything that he said sound like a new declaration of love.

When Felicity was biting down on her bottom lip once more, Oliver lowered his gaze.

He would have to learn to bite his tongue now before he was making Felicity feel completely uncomfortable here. She needed time, he told himself once more, which might be the only thing she didn’t have. He would do his best to give it to her though.

“Lucky me then, I guess.”

Oliver lifted his gaze, surprised by her words. He met Felicity’s eyes instantly and felt his heart skip at what he saw in the expression of her eyes. The was warmth and a deep connection there. Not even the nervousness and hesitation he saw there too could hide it.

It took a moment before Oliver realized that they had stopped dancing. They were still swaying to the music, but their feet didn’t move anymore. They had come to a stop, standing in the middle of Felicity’s bedroom with their arms wrapped around each other tightly and their hands holding onto each other.

Oliver felt his heartbeat quickening. Goosebumps spread all the way down his back, making a slight shiver running through his muscles. His breathing shortened.

Although Felicity didn’t look nearly as nervous and taken by the moment as Oliver felt, he could see that this wasn’t going by for her easy either. Her cheeks were reddened and nervous spots were showing on her cleavage too. Oliver wasn’t sure if he was breathing, or maybe it was him who had stopped breathing. He really couldn’t say.

Without really realizing it, Oliver had leaned in. His face was so close to Felicity’s nose, that their noses brushed together whenever they took in a breath of air. He could smell her sweet parfum and the natural scent of her skin. If he listened closely, he could even hear the wild beating of his heart, again, he wasn’t entirely sure if it wasn’t his though.

He stopped where he was, just holding the position without moving any further. Seconds ago, he had reminded himself not to push Felicity and to give her time and room instead. Now here he was, trying to kiss her. He just couldn’t help himself because, like a magnet, he found her again and again. He’d understand if she wanted to back away though, so he just stayed where he was, waiting.

The wait felt endless. If this was what eternity was like, Oliver wasn’t sure if he’d take it. He had Felicity still wrapped in his arms which was definitely a reason to give it a try. If Felicity was there, he would never be unhappy. On the other hand, there was a painfulness in waiting to find out if Felicity was going to pull away or lean in.

Her hand tightened around his before she pushed herself up onto the tips of her toes. Her lips were barely an inch away now. Oliver could already taste her on his lips and tongue already. His lips were prickling with the anticipation of feeling her kissing him and-

“Hey, hey, hey.”

A wave of panic rushed through him when Felicity’s eyes rolled into the back of her head for a moment. Her face turned white all of a sudden, even her lips looking as white as the rest. Only a moment later her body started trembling slightly. Her knees gave out, and her body would have certainly fallen to the floor if it hadn’t been for Oliver’s arms that were still wrapped around her body tightly.

Memories of Felicity collapsing and cramping in the garden flashed in front of Oliver’s eyes. All that panic he had felt back then was back abruptly. His heart clenched down tightly, making his entire chest hurt. An aching throb echoed through his body with ever beat of his heart that followed.

As sudden and as unexpected Felicity’s condition had worsened, as quickly it got better again. Her face returned to an almost normal color although it was still a little pale. Her eyes fluttered open. She looked at him with a hazy and unfocused expression in her eyes. Her bottom lip was trembling slightly.

“Felicity-“

Oliver didn’t know what else to say. He was feeling helpless and out of words. The fact that her medical condition was completely incalculable only made it worse. One moment he was close to getting a glimpse of hope at a future with Felicity, the next he was reminded how close he was to losing Felicity forever.

Felicity squeezed her eyes shut once more. Her hand tightened in front of his shirt while her head fell forward against his chest. Oliver’s arm tightened around her once more as he wanted to wrap her into complete and utter safety, somewhere where not even a tumor could bother her.

“I need to sit down,” Felicity said, her voice breathless, and angled her head back to look at him, “I’m dizzy. I really need to sit down.”

She was okay. She wasn’t cramping as she had a couple of days ago. She wasn’t losing all control about her body. She had had a brief moment of weakness, but she was better now.

Oliver scooped Felicity up in his arms, still holding her as close to him as possible. He carried her over to the bed and sat her down on the edge carefully. His hands moved down from her shoulders over her ribs and hips to the sides of her thighs. Kneeling down in front of her with his eyes glued to her face, he stroked his hands back and forth over her thighs.

He watched her intently when she closed her eyes and took some deep breaths. Her left hand was resting in her lap loosely, while her right hand was seeking out his fingers and squeezing them. Oliver brushed his thumb against the knuckles of her fingers in response, still watching her intently.

Felicity looked like she was about to throw up when she opened her eyes, but it was better than losing consciousness and breaking down right in front of his eyes.

“I’m okay.”

It was a lie and a pretty obvious one as well. Felicity might be better than she could have been, but she wasn’t okay. It was impossible to be okay and look like hell at the same time. If Oliver knew one thing, it was that. Oliver didn’t say any of that though. He was barely able to say anything. His mouth was as dry as he had run a marathon in summer without getting a drop of water the entire time.

“I should call a doctor and-“

“No,” Felicity interrupted him, her voice much firmer than his hoarse one, “I don’t want a doctor. It’s Christmas, Oliver.”

“Christmas Eve.”

Felicity smiled. It was a weak smile given how close to losing consciousness she had been seconds ago, but it was a smile nonetheless. It was a little sign of hope.

“See?” she asked, cocking her head. “There is still a lot for me to learn and get to know.”

Oliver hesitated briefly, but it was impossible to withstand Felicity’s eyes. He needed to give in. He knew it. He didn’t really have a choice here because Felicity had already made hers. Who was he to talk against it?

He didn’t feel good about it. He got the bad feeling that it might be the wrong decision, but he just knew that it wasn’t his decision to make. He also knew that nothing he said could convince Felicity to let him call a doctor or do anything else to make sure that she really was okay.

That was why Oliver nodded his head. He had no other choice anyway, so he gave into what Felicity wanted. He guessed it was a pattern for him. He couldn’t care less. It was Felicity. If someone knew what was best for him, it was her. So, if Felicity wanted to celebrate Christmas Eve with him over everything else, he was going to give that to her. It was the least he could do for her.

* * *

“Felicity.”

Although Felicity was still half asleep, she felt there were a lot of things she wanted and needed to do right now. Waking up was none of them, though. That was why, instead of opening her eyes and answering to the soft whispering of her name, she just released a tired sigh and slid further back onto the mattress.

A feeling of content spread inside of her as Oliver’s chest was pressing against her back, warming her muscles. His arms were wrapped around her tightly, wrapping her into the warmth his body offered. She could smell him which only added to her content. The way his lips brushed against the shell of her ear, her skin feeling his stubble against it softly, made goosebumps spread all the way down her spine.

After they had spent the last night with his parents, doing all the things the Queens had always done on Christmas Eve, Oliver had put Felicity to bed. She had been on a little high from all those joyful Christmas things that had reminded her so much of Chanukah with her mother although it was really entirely different. She had told him that she felt like she was unable to fall asleep, so he had crawled into bed with her and told her some stories that his mother had always told Thea and him when they had been kids and too excited to fall asleep on Christmas Eve. They had both fall asleep like this eventually.

“Felicity.”

Oliver whispered her name again, and his lips brushing against the shell of her ear once more. His lips were so soft, his stubble the perfect mixture of scratchy and tickling. It was a wonderful feeling, indescribable and just beautiful.

Felicity had to think back to the kiss they had shared in the library a while ago. His lips had been so soft against hers. His taste had been sweet and a little harsh at the same time. His stubble had tickled the sensitive skin around her lips in a way she had never been able to anticipate before.

Kissing Oliver had been what she had dreamed of for so long. Once they had kissed for a first time, Felicity had longed for more. A lot of her thoughts had been circulating around the fact that she had needed to feel his lips against hers again. She had wanted him, and she had needed him.

Yesterday, they had almost kissed again. Felicity had cursed her condition for ruining the moment. It was taking so much from her already, so why did it have to take those small moments she could have with Oliver after all too?

Maybe it was better though, a little voice inside of Felicity’s head reminded her, because she still wasn’t sure whether she was bolt enough to be with Oliver. Since she had come back from the hospital, they hadn’t really talked about this again. She was sure that Oliver had noticed it too. She could almost hear him, reminding himself to give her time and room, but he was struggling with it.

Just like she was struggling with her decision to clear her thoughts about whether a relationship with Oliver was something she could take responsibility for given that she would die soon. Rationally, she knew it was the right decision to stay away from him. Emotionally, her heart made it very hard on her though.

“Felicity.”

Hearing her name for the third time, Felicity turned around eventually. Her face came to rest right next to his on the pillow. The tip of her nose brushed against his. His breathing ghosted over the bottom of her chin, and it didn’t even matter that it was his morning breath.

It would be so easy to just lean forward and capture his lips in a gentle kiss. A part of Felicity wanted to go in and do it, but she didn’t dare to. As long as she still wasn’t sure whether she was willing to spend the short rest of her life with the guilt of sucking Oliver even deeper into her tragedy, she couldn’t do it. A back and forth wasn’t good for her, and it wasn’t fair to Oliver.

He had kept still for now. Something in her face must have given away her decision. Oliver pulled back a little bit, just enough to smile at her encouragingly.

Why did all of this just had to be so hard, Felicity wondered for the umpteenth time in what felt like forever. Why couldn’t it be easier?

“It’s time for the presents.”

“Presents?”

Oliver frowned at her and looked at her with an incredulous expression in his eyes.

“You do know that there are presents on Christmas Morning, right?” He didn’t wait for her answer. Instead, he just continued. “I mean it’s basically in every movie about Christmas. Anyway, now you know. Since you wanted to know what Christmas was like when you were a child, I suggest that we do what every child does on Christmas. We sneak down and take a look at the gifts already.”

Felicity bit down on her tongue, keeping the thoughts that were on her mind for herself instead of saying them out loud. Of course she had known that presents were a part of Christmas Morning. Given how much the Queens were doing for her already, she had thought that it should have been more than enough. She shouldn’t receive more gifts then the ones the Queens were giving to her on a daily basis already.

She knew that Oliver would argue with her about this though, so she kept her mouth shut. She had gotten presents for the Queens too, so she guessed it was going to be like a normal Christmas Morning, the ones you saw in those corny Hallmark Movies.

“Okay then.”

Felicity pushed the blanket aside and headed to the wardrobe to find something to wear. Before she reached it, Oliver’s chuckle made her turn back though.

“It’s six in the morning, Felicity,” he told her, still chuckling, “you don’t have to get dressed.”

“But-“

“Just put on your morning robe,” Oliver told her, already reaching for it, but he looked at he with slightly narrowed eyes, “or are you cold?”

“Maybe a little.”

Oliver shot her a brief smile. Instead of taking the morning robe he had reached for before, he took his thick, green hoody and held it out for her. When Felicity hesitated, shooting Oliver a brief glance, his smiled widened a little, so Felicity took the hoody and put it on. It had Oliver’s smell in every fiber it seemed, and Felicity couldn’t resist the urge to lower her nose into the fabric and take a deep breath of it.

She had always felt so great when she was wearing Oliver’s clothes as he had always handed her a hoody or a jacket or something else when she had been cold. No matter where they had been, he had always given her something to wear when he had realized that she was feeling cold. He was a great guy like that.

When Felicity opened her eyes, Oliver’s scent still surrounding her in the best way possible, she noticed that he was looking away quite conspicuously. She wondered if he had seen her breathing in the scent of his skin on the hoody and was trying to ignore it. They were both dancing the thin line they had been dancing for years now, but they were taking a lot more risks now. Or maybe they were just stumbling over that thin line more often now. They had lost their balance, and they didn’t care about the consequences, at least not as much as they had before.

It didn’t take long until Oliver lifted his gaze again. His eyes met hers, but he just smiled like nothing had happened, so maybe he hadn’t seen anything. Felicity didn’t know.

“Come on now,” he said, reaching out his hand for her, “we sneak downstairs.”

Felicity let her gaze travel down Oliver’s body, taking in what he was wearing. He hadn’t put on any more clothes. He had been wearing the same boxer briefs and the same white shirt while they had been sleeping. His hair was still tousled. He didn’t seem to care though which, she guessed, was a good sign that it was indeed okay to go downstairs without getting dressed. Given how well-styled Moira usually was in every second of the day, she had her doubts, but she trusted Oliver.

She put her hand into his and laced her fingers with her. Oliver smiled at it, squeezing her hand and pulling her closer.

“This is just as Christmas is supposed to be.”

With that, he led her out of the bedroom and down the hallway towards the stairs. He tightened his hold on her hand and wrapped an arm around her waist to secure her while they went downstairs. She put a lot of her weight on him, knowing he’d carry her even if she lost her balance or her legs gave out from right under her.

Once they reached the living room, he put his forefinger onto her lips, gesturing for her to be quiet. He opened the door and slipped inside of the room, pulling her into it right behind him. When he switched on the light, they discovered that they weren’t alone though.

“Mom,” Oliver said, his voice showing how surprised he was too, “Dad.”

If Oliver hadn’t called them _Mom_ and _Dad_ , Felicity wasn’t sure if she would have recognized the two people standing in the room. Moira, who Felicity had seen first, wasn’t wearing any make-up, and she was wrapped into a long morning robe made of silk. She looked beautiful as she always did, but she still looked like an entirely different person. Robert, dressed in long pajamas and a thick, black morning robe, looked a little more like himself, but his hair was as tousled as Oliver’s was on a daily basis. She had never seen him like that though.

“We got a feeling that we would catch you here,” Moira said lightly, shooting both of them a knowing smile the way parents probably did to their children on Christmas morning, “so we figured we would come downstairs too.”

There was an almost strict expression in her eyes, but it lasted barely longer than a second. Soon enough, she was winking at them with amusement though.

“Merry Christmas.”

Robert was the first to step forward and pull Felicity into his arms. He placed a firm kiss onto her cheek before he put his hands to her shoulders and smiled at her warmly.

“Merry Christmas, Robert.”

Moira almost pushed him away from her, so she could hug her too. Sooner than either of them knew it, Robert already pulled his wife back against his chest. With his arms wrapped around her stomach tightly, he lowered his lips to her ear and whispered something into it. Moira’s smile warmed, and she looked as natural and happy as Felicity had never seen her before, when she leaned back against her husband with a sigh. Angling her head back, she smiled at Robert for a moment before their lips met in a gentle kiss.

Almost a little bit ashamed for watching them, Felicity lowered her gaze. She felt like she was disturbing this moment between them just by watching.

“Really, guys,” Oliver said, stepping next to Felicity and wrapping an arm around her shoulders to pull her in close, “you are making Felicity feel embarrassed.”

His words only made her cheeks turn even redder. She looked at the Queens, who were rolling their eyes, and then at Oliver, who looked a lot more uncomfortable than Felicity was feeling. Frowning slightly, she pushed her elbow into his ribs.

“Don’t use me as an excuse.”

“I thought that was one of the good sides of getting married.” Oliver grinned and placed a kiss on the tip of her nose before he looked at her a little bit more seriously. “Merry Christmas, Felicity.”

Felicity smiled, leaning more into Oliver’s side. “Merry Christmas.”

Once again today, Felicity wished that she was in some parallel universe where she could just straighten up onto the tips of her toes and kiss Oliver. His lips were so seductively close, his eyes giving away how much he wished to be in that parallel universe too.

Truth was that there weren’t there though, and they never would be.

“So,” Felicity asked once she had swallowed down the thick lump in her throat and looked back towards Robert and Moira, “what does the Christmas Protocol say is next on the list?”

“Unwrapping the gifts,” Oliver replied, “which really is the best part. When Thea and I have been kids, we were the ones that got the gifts first, but we changed towards the other way around. Now mom and dad unwrap their gifts first.”

Felicity decided that they should keep it that way, so she and Oliver gave his parents the gifts they had bought during their little trip through Starling City a couple of weeks ago. Sitting down on the couch, they watched them unwrapping the gifts them. Oliver’s arm rested on top of the backrest in the meantime, his fingertips playing with some strands of her hair.

Although goosebumps were spreading all over Felicity’s skin in reaction to the soft touches, she tried to hide it. She just kept her eyes on Moira, who was turning the scarf Oliver had gotten her and the bracelet Felicity had bought for her, between her hands and taking it in with a warm smile. Robert, who unwrapped the gifts much more quickly than his wife, held both, the pen Felicity had gotten him and the briefcase from Oliver in his hands, and explored them.

“Now I’d like to give you our gift.”

Moira had already gotten up to go back to the small pile of gifts that were left. Before she could have taken a single step closer to it, Oliver had already gotten up though.

“I’d like to go first please.”

Moira didn’t even bat an eye. She lifted her hand in a gesture of surrender and sat back down. Her hand came to rest on top of Robert’s thigh, and he put his hand on top of hers, lacing his fingers through hers.

After the brief distraction from how soft Moira and Robert were together today, she quickly remembered what Oliver had said. She turned her head quickly to see him grabbing three gifts from the pile and carrying them towards her.

“You shouldn’t have-“

“Nonsense,” he interrupted her, “this was the bare minimum, and you will see that those are a lot of small things. It’s not barely enough for what you mean to me.”

The words weighed heavy in the air between them for a moment, but Oliver overplayed it quickly. He took one of the gifts and dropped it into her lap. Felicity lifted it, her eyes still glued to Oliver’s face. Instead of saying anything, he just nodded for her open it.

Felicity pulled her bottom lip between her front teeth. She loved unwrapping gifts. There was just so much fun into tearing the colorful wrapping paper apart and exploring what was hidden beneath it. The turquoise wrapping paper held a self-made photobook at first. A photo of her and Oliver with little Sara Diggle between them as they were smiling into the camera with a tiger pacing along the fence behind them was on the cover.

“Like I said, just a small thing.”

His voice sounded almost apologizing, so Felicity shot him a quick smile. Instead of saying anything more, she turned back to the book and turned the first page though. A little bit of glitter fell into her lap, making Felicity perk up an eyebrow when she looked back at Oliver.

“Sara helped,” he explained quickly, clearing his throat, “at least with the colors and decorations.”

Skimming through the pages of everything she and Oliver had experienced together, it was obvious. All the pink and all the glitter definitely were Sara’s signature. The photos had been chosen by him though, Felicity just knew it.

Her heartbeat was quickening with every single page she looked through. There was something incredibly intimate about this photobook because Oliver had really chosen the best of their experience. There were photos of them at festivals they had been through and at places they had visited with Sara. Those were joined by photos they had just taken of themselves during lazy moments they had spent together.

This was the perfect gift. It was something she could always look through when her memory would start fading. They would remind her of the great time that she and Oliver had had when she couldn’t remember anymore. And it would remind him of their best moments when she was no longer here to share those memories with him.

Once she had turned the last page, Felicity held the photobook cradled to her chest and looked at Oliver with a warm smile. Tears were welling in her eyes.

“Thank you.”

Oliver smiled for a moment, but he was unable to deal with the tears in her eyes. He lowered his eyes quickly, looking helpless for a second, before he dropped the next gift into her lap.

“Not as good as the first one maybe,” he admitted with a shrug of his shoulders, “but I hope you will like it nonetheless.”

She certainly would. Oliver knew her better than anyone else. She was sure that he had chosen just as well thought through gifts for the two left.

She handed the photobook to Oliver, who kept it in his lap, while Felicity unwrapped the second gift. It was a green hoodie, looking just like one of the few hoodies she was always stealing from him when she was cold. As the etiquette proved, it even had his size. It just didn’t smell like him, Felicity realized when she lifted the gift to her nose.

“I thought since you are cold so often and-“

“-you don’t want me to borrow any of your clothes anymore-“

“Nonsense,” Oliver replied, shaking his head firmly, “you can still borrow my clothes whenever you like, but I got a feeling that you will need this.”

Felicity frowned slightly, not quite getting it. She doubted that she’d get to live through another winter which she kept to herself of course because she knew that Oliver wouldn’t take well to this. He didn’t like those comments, and Felicity got that, so she kept quiet.

Oliver might have caught her train of thoughts because there was a slightly angry expression glancing in his eyes for the break of a second. Soon enough, he caught himself though. Taking the hoodie from her and putting it over his shoulder, he put the third gift onto her thighs carefully.

The last gift held a polaroid camera, something Felicity had always wished for, but had never gotten it for whatever reason.

“Oh, I had one of those when I was a teenager,” Robert said, reaching out his hand to take a look at the exemplar in Felicity’s hand, so she gave it to him quickly, “which made me the most favored guy in school.”

Moira shot him a serious glance, so Robert cleared his throat quickly.

“Of course I only wanted Moira.”

“Saved by the last second, Darling,” she whispered to him, but the warm smile she flashed him right after that was enough prove that she didn’t mean it, “and I would have fallen in love with you even without the polaroid camera.”

“She’s lying,” Robert whispered towards Oliver and Felicity, loud enough for Moira to hear him, “she would have fallen in love with Malcolm Merlyn.”

Felicity was about to chuckle about the banter, but she remembered faintly that Oliver had had some suspicions when it came to Moira and Malcolm Merlyn. Back then, she had dismissed it as some drunken nonsense he had said. Given how tense his body had become at the little quip of his father, Felicity wondered if there was something more to it.

She reached out her hand and laced he fingers through his, offering some silent comfort. When their eyes met, she could see that Oliver was holding his breath. Unsure what exactly that meant, she was about to pull her hand back already when his finger tightened around hers after all. The corners of his lips tucked slightly, giving away that he was glad that she offered this comfort. He needed it.

Quickly, he shook his head though.

“Now it would be a good time for you to give Felicity your gifts, so she can see the reason for the last two gifts I gave her.”

“Of course.”

Moira was up on her feet immediately, hurrying over to the gifts and getting the small envelope from it. She held it out for Felicity to take. Since she needed her right hand, that was still resting between Oliver’s fingers, for that, she shot him a brief glance. Oliver flashed her a smile, kissing the back of her hand, and let go of he fingers, so she could grab the gift.

“Thank you,” Felicity said, taking the envelope from Moira’s fingers, “but that wouldn’t have been necessary.”

“Of course it had been,” Robert replied, “it’s Christmas.”

“And this is for the both of you.”

Felicity shot a quick look back over her shoulder at Oliver. He smiled knowingly because he wouldn’t be surprised what was in there. He knew it already.

Opening the envelope, she found a photo of Alaska. She recognized it easily because she had searched for photos like this a lot when she had been a kid. She had wanted to see all different angles at the Northern Lights because they had fascinated her so much.

“You have to turn it around,” Oliver told her, already taking the photo from her and showing her the back of it, “so read.”

“You are going to Aurora, Alaska, for one week. Your journey starts next week. Our private jet will be there for you, and a limousine will take you to the house we have rented for you. A hoodie and a good camera are needed. It’s going to be a lot of fun. Love, Moira and Robert.”

Felicity sucked in a deep breath, reading the little message on the back of the photo again.

She knew how much a week like this cost in normal standards because she had been considering to book a trip to Alaska a couple of times. She had wanted to make her wishes come true, especially this one because it had meant so much to her. Although Queen Consolidated wasn’t paying badly, Felicity had never dared to spend so much money on a trip like that. Nobody else should do so either.

“I can’t accept this.”

Felicity put the photo back into the envelope and held it back out for Moira, who had taken a seat on the armrest of the couch next to her husband. Frowning, Moira looked from the envelope to Felicity’s face.

“Honey, this-

“You have to take it back,” Felicity interrupted her, shaking her head, “it’s too much.”

It was way too much. What they were doing for her every day was a lot already. Spending so much money on a travel that she would barely be able to really appreciate and that would give her memories that she would forget rather sooner than later. It was a gift for her and Oliver together, but it was clear that she was the one who had inspired this. This was her dream coming true.

Moira opened her lips to say something, but no sound came out. She closed her mouth again and looked at her husband, seeking his help. Robert didn’t have to be asked twice, he leaned forward, putting his hand to Felicity’s and pushed it back into her direction.

“This is only a fraction of what you have done for us after we lost Thea,” he told her, “and it doesn’t show nearly enough what you mean to us an employee, a friend and as part of our family. It’s the little contribution that we can offer to make your wishes come true, and we really want to help with that.”

To say that Felicity felt overwhelmed by their gift felt like an understatement. It felt like it was way too much, more than she could have imagined and more than she should be willing or able to take. This cost a lot of money, and it was using a lot of their resources.

With Robert’s voice echoing in her head, she asked herself once more if she was really doing the right thing here. She was settling down in a life with them when she was dying. She could feel them connecting more and more to her – calling her not only an employee, but also a friend and even family – and she still couldn’t do anything about it.

Felicity knew that she had going through this like a hundred times since the Queens had offered her to move in with them. Still, it hit her hard every time, and the little voice that was telling her to feel guilty about this selfish decision seemed to get louder with each time. She wasn’t doing the good thing. She was doing the comfortable thing, the easy thing for her. Her decisions would leave a train wreck after her though.

It was too much. It was all too much. The gift was too much and all the feelings it elicited from her were too much. She couldn’t take it. She just couldn’t.

“I-“

She felt like she had a terribly big lump in her throat. Her voice sounded raspy, and it gave out before Felicity could really say anything. Quickly, she cleared her throat.

“I think I need to lie down. I have a terrible headache.” She barely dared looking at the Queens, especially since she could feel their eyes on her skin. “I’m sorry.”

At a pace that surprised even Felicity herself, she pushed the photo into Oliver’s hand, got up and escaped the room. She was feeling out of breath, and her muscles were aching beneath her, but Felicity tried to ignore that. Her need to get away was just so much stronger than her tumor was or could ever be.

By the time Felicity had reached the head of the stairs, she didn’t only feel breathless anymore. She felt like she had run a marathon in record time while the sun had been blazing down on her on a hot day in August, and she hadn’t had anything to drink in a week. Her heart was racing, making it even harder to breathe. Her mouth was dry, her tongue feeling like a benumb clump in her mouth. She felt like she was suffocating or dying from exhaustion or maybe even both.

When colorful spots were dancing in front of her eyes, Felicity closed her eyes and pushed herself forward along the walls through the hallway. Once she reached the door to her room, she hurried to slip into it, ran to the bed blindly and just let herself fall onto it.

Quiet tears were streaming down her face. She wanted to scream, but she had too little breath and too much trouble creating any sound to do so. The feeling of everything being too much rolled over her like a wave once more.

For the first time since she had discovered that she was sick, Felicity felt incredibly sad. She felt like the tumor had gained several pounds of weight in the last minutes. It was filling her body and feeling as heavy as a lead-weighted jacket, taking her under the water that she had been threatening to drown in for weeks now. She had managed to keep herself over the surface so far, but she wasn’t able to fight against this weight now. It was pulling her deeper and deeper into the water, making it unable to see the light of the day anymore.

She was drowning in sadness or regret or maybe it was just self-pity. Either way, she was drowning, and there was no way out for her.

Felicity had grown up, knowing how precious life was and how easily it could be taken away from you. She had been a kid when she had experienced what most people only discovered when they were seventy or eighty or even older. Some people never had to experience that at all. She had known that feeling at the same age when other kids just found out what it was like to not always get what you want or to fall from a swing maybe.

It should have been all the hint she needed to help her focusing on what was important. Instead, she had wasted a lot of time on her work. She loved her work, always had, but she should have put more focus on other things. She should have made sure that she got to spend enough time with her friends and that she found love. Those were the things that really counted, but she had always thought that there was time for that later. She had assumed that she could make herself someone in the branch before she could use her time to spend with friends and family or find love.

Well, she had found love, but it was complicated because she had always thought that she had so much more time left. She and Oliver had both thought that they had so much time left. That was why they had taken so much time, both of them thinking that it was better to only take this bolt step once they were both ready and their lives would be easier.

It wouldn’t get easier, so they had missed their chance at being happy together.

Felicity had also missed all that time that she could have spent on making her wishes come true. Oliver wouldn’t have to put so much pressure on himself right now that he had even gotten his parents to join in on this crazy mission Oliver had decided to take on.

She would leave them behind. They would do everything to make her feel more comfortable, but she would have to leave them behind at the end after all. She had no other choice because life wasn’t giving her any chance at all here.

It wasn’t just that though. It wasn’t just the thought about the Queens that got her crying. For the first time really, she was crying for herself because the prospect at dying scared and saddened her. She didn’t want to die – not yet, not as long as there were still so many things left for her to do.

When Felicity heard steps in the hallway in front of her door, she held her breath quickly. The door opened quietly, so Felicity swallowed the tears and tried to be as quiet as possible. She didn’t want anyone to know that she was awake and crying. If she could, she would make herself invisible right now.

Quiet steps came closer to her. There was a moment of hesitation before the mattress behind her dipped. Only a second later, Oliver’s strong arms were wrapping around her torso, pulling her back against his chest. His left leg moved between both of hers, his head coming to rest in the crook of her neck and shoulder.

Felicity knew that Oliver knew that she was awake. He knew her well enough to detect when she was trying to feign something like this to him. That was why she didn’t try to pretend that she was sleeping any longer. With a low sigh that turned into a little sob, she moved back on the mattress a little, snuggling back against Oliver who offered his warmth and comfort so willingly. His arms tightened around her even more.

This must have been what he had felt like when she had comforted him after Thea’s death. If she had only given him half of what he was giving her right now, she was sure that he must have felt better.

Her breathing eased. Her heartbeat calmed down. Her headache eased.

Everything just seemed to be so much better with Oliver around, it probably was. He just made everything feel so easy, including her heart.


	10. Dialogue

The Northern Lights were more beautiful than Felicity could have possibly imagined because none of the photos or videos she had seen of them came close to what it was really like to experience them. They were a wonder of the world put into the sky. Just sitting there and watching them made tears well in Felicity’s. She felt so honored to be watching this – honored and just amazing from the inside out.

Right now and right here, nothing mattered. It didn’t matter that she had a tumor that was going to kill her, something her doctor had confirmed to her once more when a weak moment had caused Felicity to call her and ask if there was even the slightest chance that a therapy would save her now. It didn’t matter that she was unable to move her arm and that her legs made her feel like she was hundred years old. It didn’t matter that she might not have enough time for her other wishes to come true and that she would die with that regret on her heart. It didn’t even matter that her left leg was twitching the way her left hand had before it had given out, telling her that it was giving out sooner or later too.

None of that mattered because none of that was real here.

Even the sadness that she had still felt an hour or two ago when she and Oliver had hit the road to get here was inexistent right now. You could think that it was just absent, but it really wasn’t just that. It wasn’t existing. There wasn’t a past or a future with it. There wasn’t even a remotely distant trace left of it right now. That sadness simply didn’t exist here – it was just an irrelevant thought that had no impact on her life at all.

Felicity had always believed that sleeping was giving her a nice feeling. You didn’t feel anything at all, not even the pain if you were lucky enough. It felt like you didn’t exist which was great when your life was made of a lot of pain. This was better though because Felicity could feel every inch of her body without feeling any pain. This time, it wasn’t her that was inexistent, it was everything that was around her, well, almost everything.

She felt light-hearted and healthy, really on the peak of life. It was like she had been newborn. She was sure if she just jumped up and started dancing, her legs would carry her easily and make her dance all through the night until the sun was shining down on her, and she’d fall into the grass from exhaustion, breathless and happy.

Her body, heart and soul were good as long as she was here. Maybe the Northern Lights had some healing powers. It definitely felt like this right now.

Was this what afterlife would be like?

Felicity had spent a lot of time thinking about afterlife. She hadn’t always been sure that it existed. She had been raised Jewish, and she considered herself to be Jewish. In situations like these, she guessed it was only natural to have some doubts though. At least Felicity couldn’t absolve herself of it. Still, at the end she had decided to believe in afterlife because it offered her a little bit of comfort.

The sky was so close. Felicity felt like she only had to reach out her hand, and she would touch the colorful aurora. It would feel warm and soft, and it would leave glitter of the same color on her fingers. It would be magical, just as magical as this moment.

So, if there was an afterlife, this looked like a perfect version of it, somewhere to spend all eternity because it was giving her so many great things. She could live with the idea of having this as her afterlife. Well, or she could die with it.

She felt one of the tears that had been welling in her eyes running down her cheek now and hurried to wipe it away.

Oliver, who was sitting behind her with his legs placed next to hers and his arms wrapped around her middle, angled his head. His chin was resting on her shoulder now, his lips brushing against the edge of her jaw. His arms tightened around her, pulling the blanket even tighter around her shoulder and her body even closer to him. It made her feel all the warmer this wrapped up into his embrace.

“Are you okay?”

He whispered the words before he kissed away that little tear that had fallen. His lips lingered there, his breath ghosting over her skin, before he pulled away. Although Felicity didn’t look at him, she knew that he was staring at her. She could feel his gaze on her face, trying to get beneath her skin and find out what was going on inside of her.

Felicity wanted to tell him that she was okay. The moment she tried to answer, she felt a sob falling from her lips though. More tears were running down her cheeks. Felicity held onto Oliver’s bicep tightly, and Oliver laced his fingers through hers immediately. His arms tightened around her once more, and he rocked her from side to side like you did to a crying child that you wanted to fall asleep.

“Pssst.” He hushed her gently and leaned his forehead against her head, his nose pressing to her cheek to breathe her in. “I’m here. I’m here with you.”

He was, Felicity thought to herself, and it was that little cherry on top that made it all the better. Imagining that she didn’t have to relinquish him in afterlife was making this version of it all the more attractive. She would still leave him behind, but he would come with her. Without dying of course.

“Do you want to go back?”

Felicity shook her head firmly. Her hand tightened around Oliver’s fingers, and it gave her what she needed to take in a deep breath. She closed her eyes, letting the oxygen flow through her and making her feel a little bit calmer.

“No,” she whispered, still a little breathless, “no, it’s perfect here.”

She could feel Oliver’s confusion while he was looking at her and even more when he was brushing his fingertips over the wet spots on her cheeks that the tears had left.

“I’m happy.”

It was a short sentence, whispered barely louder than the beat of her heart was in her ears, but it was still incredibly meaningful. Maybe the fact that she could only whisper those words proved that more than she had thought.

“I am so, so happy.”

Oliver chuckled lightly at that, certainly relieved that she was okay. Happy tears were certainly better than tears of fear or sadness or pain. They were still tears though, so Oliver tightened his hold on her even more. It could almost painful given that she wasn’t really able to move like that, but Felicity didn’t mind at all. She liked to be this tightly embraced by Oliver. It was a nice feeling, so she snuggled back against him even more.

“This is so beautiful,” Felicity whispered, “like a miracle.”

“Yeah,” Oliver whispered, nuzzling her cheek slightly, “just perfect.”

Oliver’s voice sounded different than it usually did, causing Felicity to rip her gaze away from the stunning aurora. His face looked peaceful and content. There was the glimpse of a smile on his face while he was watching the Northern Lights. They really seemed to fascinate him as much as they fascinated Felicity too.

Felicity wondered if he, just like her, could forget the chaos around them while they were here. Maybe, for the first time in weeks, he forgot that she was dying. She was sure that it hadn’t let go of him since she had told him about it and that it had only gotten worse after she cried herself to sleep in his arms on Christmas Morning. He had worried about her because he hadn’t expected her to show any kind of sadness about her tumor. She hadn’t shown any before.

What could Felicity possibly say? She hadn’t thought that she’d be sad either.

Pushing all of those thoughts away, she focused on Oliver once more. It was easy to forget about everything else when she was looking at him. With how peaceful he was, it was easy to forget about everything else again. Oliver was just as fascinating as the Northern Lights.

Felicity had trouble to suppress a sigh when she leaned her head back against Oliver’s shoulder, snuggling her cheek to it while she was continuing to look at Oliver. He had the same calming effects on her although her heart was making an excited jump between every other beat. It was something only Oliver could make her heart do, Felicity guessed.

Maybe this moment wasn’t taking away everything, Felicity thought to herself, because she certainly still felt the same way for Oliver that she had felt for years, and she still regretted that they had taken their time together for granted. They had missed so much.

Five years ago, they had been so close to giving into their feelings. If only there had been the right moment, some moment of crazy sizzling, maybe they would have taken that final step. Then again, there had been so many moments of crazy sizzling, but they had never taken that step.

Felicity remembered sitting at home and waiting for Oliver to come over like he always had. He had been late, and he hadn’t texted her which hadn’t been Oliver’s usual behavior at all. When he had called her eventually, telling her that Thea was in surgery, Felicity couldn’t have possibly known that whatever they had been starting to develop for each other would be put on hold for years or even be canceled forever.

It wasn’t fair that this had happened to them. Thea’s death alone had been tragic enough for everyone involved. That they had needed to lose their chance at being together soon wasn’t fair.

This close to the sky, Felicity wondered if maybe she had been wrong though. Maybe there was a chance for them after all. They didn’t have al the time in the world. They didn’t even have particularly much time, but she still had some time left. It wouldn’t be as easy and as carefree as the first time between lovers should be, but who knew? They could still have a good time if what they thought they were feeling for each other was only a fraction of what they were actually feeling for each other, there might be at least a little bit of happiness in their reach if they just gave it a chance.

Oliver will suffer either way. It didn’t matter if they were together or not. He loved her if he had actually meant it which Felicity believed he did. That meant that, nothing she could possibly do could prevent Oliver from grieving her death in a heartbreaking way.

All she did was taking the little time they still had left away from them.

Felicity was still looking at Oliver when he suddenly turned his head. His eyes locked with hers, and the small furrow that always grew between his eyebrows when he was worried showed there. Felicity frowned slightly, unwilling to see it there, and she lifted her hand to smooth that little crease in his skin. It wasn’t supposed to be there. This was a happy place, and happy places didn’t allow any worries there.

For a split second, Felicity wondered if she was high. Maybe the Northern Lights were working as some kind of drug to her. She felt like she had been drugged or like she was at least very, very tipsy. It was the good kind of tipsy though, not the bad kind that got your head spinning and your stomach rebelling. She couldn’t completely preclude it although she guessed that it wasn’t really likely.

When she shook her head about her own train of thoughts, a warm smile spread on Oliver’s lips. His eyes shone with that deep love she had only ever seen in his eyes.

“Everything okay?”

His voice was casual, but Felicity could hear that there was a little bit of worry or at least confusion there too. She knew she should certainly watch the Northern Lights, and she would do it again. At first, she needed to get this new way of thinking off her chest.

“Did you mean it?”

Now, Oliver seemed all the more confused. He looked at her intently, his eyes narrowing down on her for a moment before they looked away and back towards her in less than two seconds. Although no sound was to be heard, his lips formed the little question, “What?”

Felicity chuckled lightly, dropping her forehead against Oliver’s shoulder. Apparently, he couldn’t read all of her thoughts which was actually kind of nice to know. She wasn’t completely readable for him yet.

When Felicity angled her head back again, looking at Oliver’s face, his eyes were still on her face. He still looked incredibly confused, and it made him look so, so sweet.

“Did you mean it when you told me you loved me?”

Felicity could almost pinpoint the moment when he got that this wasn’t going to be a light conversation and that Felicity wasn’t just asking for no real reason. He might not actually understand where exactly this conversation was going, but he got a feeling that it might change things. She could see it in his eyes.

If it hadn’t been for that intense expression in his eyes, Felicity might have mistaken his silence that followed her question as a rejection. It could be so easily seen as a sign that he hadn’t really meant it, but the truth was already written in his eyes. Even before he said the words, she knew what he would say. Even without that expression in his eyes, she would have known. She knew Oliver too well not to know.

“With every beat of my heart,” he told her firmly, “and, yes, I know that it’s corny.”

“Good because that way I don’t have to point it out for you.”

Although Felicity had meant to ease the mood a little bit with her comment, she hadn’t even managed to smile. Her eyes were focused on Oliver’s face, her thoughts spinning all about the decision she had to made or might have made already. She didn’t know.

“I love you, Felicity,” Oliver whispered, using her silence to just say it again, “and nothing that you will say or do will ever change that.”

She believed him. She believed every single word he said, and she believed that he meant it with the same intensity that his voice and his eyes were carrying. There was no doubt about that. As beautiful it was, it had a slightly bitter taste to it. She wasn’t sure if Oliver tasted that same bitterness, and she hated that she had to make him feel it, but she knew that she really, really had to.

“You do understand that I will die very soon, right?” she asked slowly. “This is no romcom where love will heal me or something like that. I will die, Oliver.”

He hated her saying that. It was like being punched in the face over and over again. She could see that in his eyes, too, but he also knew that she had to realize that he wasn’t closing his eyes from that. So, instead of telling her to stop it, he sucked in a deep breath. His lips were still pressed together, but he nodded his head.

Felicity knew that it should be enough. Knowing it and accepting it should be enough. She shouldn’t have to hear the words from him, but she had to. She knew there was no coming back from her decision, so she needed to be a hundred percent sure that Oliver knew what he was getting himself into.

“I know that you are dying and that nothing can save you,” Oliver said with slightly trembling voice, “I know that.”

He knew that, and he accepted that as much as you could accept really accept it as long as it hadn’t happened yet. He certainly couldn’t really deal with it, but that was something completely different, something she couldn’t demand from him yet. It would be too much to ask, especially since she had found herself having trouble dealing with it lately, too.

Oliver could certainly feel Felicity’s hesitation because he angled his head down a little and brushed his nose against her cheekbone for a split second.

“As far as I see this, I will lose you either way, Felicity,” Oliver told her gently, the hurt audible in his voice, “because love won’t heal you, but it won’t kill you either.”

“Probably not.”

Felicity mumbled the words, playing with the zipper of Oliver’s jacket to have something to do. Her eyes were still locked with Oliver’s. Even if she tried, she knew she wouldn’t be able to look away.

“All I want is to enjoy the last time we have together,” he continued eventually, “because to me that makes more sense than pretending that you are already dead.”

Felicity nodded her head. What Oliver was saying made sense. It made all the sense in the world really. Looking back, it almost felt weird that she had ever thought differently. It was like the Northern Lights hadn’t only taken away her pain and her sadness. It had also taken away all the good doubts she had had about going all in with Oliver.

“Of course I understand if you don’t feel the same way for me or still don’t know how you feel. I really don’t want to push you,” Oliver continued a moment later, “I mean five years back, before Thea had died, I really thought you had feelings for me. Then Thea died, and I know I have changed a lot after that. I am sure that I was unbearable from time to time, and the sides of me that you saw certainly weren’t really sexy or even attractive or-“

“I love you.”

Her three words made Oliver stop and look at her like she had just told that the earth was flat. She doubted that he would have looked any different from that if she had told him that. He certainly hadn’t expected hearing those words today or ever.

“I love you, Oliver,” she repeated, “I just-“

She sucked in a deep breath, her fingers tightening around the collar of Oliver’s jacket. She didn’t know why she needed that feeling of having him close to her and being able to keep him this close to her was something she needed to dearly. She really couldn’t tell, but she was unable to fight the feeling, so she gave into it.

Felicity realized that all those good doubts were suddenly back. The words that told Oliver how she was feeling were out, but those doubts were back inside of her.

“I don’t think you should give your heart to me too much,” she whispered, wondering if she had said those words to him already or if she had just thought about them so much that it felt like she had said them before, “because I will die soon, and I don’t want you to do all of this to do me a favor or-“

His lips were suddenly on hers, swallowing all doubts she might have still voiced. They were just there, silencing Felicity all of a sudden. Felicity was too surprised to do anything. Her heart was telling her to deepen the kiss. Her brain was telling her to stop it. Their voices were shouting at the same time though, so she could barely understand anything they were saying.

Before Felicity could decide what she should or wanted to do, Oliver pulled back. His arms tightened around her even more, and his eyes were as piercingly blue as Felicity had never seen them before. Even in the dark of the night she could see it.

“I’m not doing this to do you a favor.” Oliver lifted a hand to the side of her face and brushed his fingertips over her cheek. “Until two minutes ago, I wasn’t sure if you loved me too.”

Felicity leaned her face into his touch. She couldn’t speak. Otherwise, she would have told him again and again that she loved him. She wanted him to believe her. Her words were meaningless if she didn’t believe him.

“Felicity, I am doing this because I have wanted this for the past five years. I have lost sight on it from time to time, but I do know with a hundred percent certainty that I really want to be with you. Of course it would be nice if we had years left, but if we only have some months of even just some weeks, I will take it. I will take whatever I get. It’s going to be worth it. I already know that.”

Of course it was going to be worth it. Every time Oliver had kissed her, her heart had been so incredibly happy that it had almost felt like it had tried to beat outside of her chest. She was crazy for Oliver, so incredibly crazy that she knew it was going to be amazing being with him. Their friendship was amazing. Their relationship was only going to be even better.

“This might be the most selfish thing that I will ever do in my life because I know you wanted to keep your distance, so you didn’t have to feel any regrets about pulling me deeper in,” Oliver added in a low whisper, “but I really want to do this if you want it too. Just don’t do it to do me a favor. If you have any doubts about my feelings, about your feelings, about what you will feel if you die, tell me.”

They were feeling the exact same way, Felicity realized. They had both loved each other for years. They had both held back on their feelings for each other after Thea had died. They both still loved each other though. Both of them were afraid though, afraid that the other was just giving in because they were feeling guilty or at least like they owed it to the other.

They were so in tune with each other, and they wanted to be with each other. In this moment, for the first time in five years, they fit together like two pieces of a puzzle because they were feeling the same, thinking the same and the circumstances surrounding them weren’t as destructive as they had been or maybe they were forgotten.

Because of that, nothing else mattered, so everything else be screwed.

Felicity straightened up as much as necessary to capture Oliver’s lips in another kiss. It was a gentle, feather-light kiss. Their lips were just brushing together oh so softly. Oliver’s lips were just pressing back down onto hers, not pulling away and not deepening the kiss. He sucked her bottom lip between both of his lips lightly though, almost like he wanted to hold onto it.

Although it was a rather simple kiss, simple compared to the passionate kisses that they had already shared in her dreams, it got her heart racing. That little drunk-on-love butterflies were fluttering in her stomach, forming a hurricane that was running through her and causing an amazing tingling to spread all through her body. Whatever her head had screamed before, it was silent now.

It didn’t last much longer than their kiss before.

Pulling back, she licked her lips. She wanted to chase his taste on her lips. She couldn’t get enough of it. She already wanted more, more and more. She actually doubted that it could ever be enough.

“This is certainly the most selfish thing I have ever done in my life, too,” Felicity whispered, again, feeling the exact same way Oliver did, “so I guess we can just be selfish together, right?”

“Together.” Oliver tightened his arms around her waist. “Together is my favorite way to do things.”

He kissed the tip of her nose, making Felicity smile. She shot a brief look back at the Northern Lights, her good spirits, before she made herself free of Oliver’s arms. He hesitated before he let go of her, unsure what she was doing. He did let go of her though, giving her room if that was what she needed.

Since he had taken the blanket away from around her body, it was freezingly cold, so Felicity hurried to turn around in his arms. When she made herself comfortable on his lap, wrapping her legs around his hips loosely, their chests were pressing together. Quickly, Oliver wrapped his arms back around her, holding her as tightly to him as he had before.

With their foreheads rested together, they looked at each other intently. Their noses were brushing together whenever the took in a breath at the same time. Even through the thick layers of clothes separating them, Felicity could feel Oliver’s heartbeat, and the fact that it was just as quick as hears made her smile.

“Together?”

Her voice was barely audible and the question could mean a lot of things, but she knew that Oliver got it. He knew what exactly she was asking for. She was asking to be selfish together. To just be together.

For a long moment, neither of them said a word. Neither of them moved. Felicity felt like this moment was lasting forever, but she got why Oliver needed a moment. Now, the ball was in his field, and everything was different when you were the one making that final decision.

Still, he nodded his head. “Together.”

With that, their lips came back together in a passionate kiss. Oliver’s tongue moved over the seam between her lips, begging for entrance. She granted it willingly, feeling a long sigh of content slipping from her lips when his tongue met hers in a slow dance. Her teeth grazed his bottom lip, causing Oliver to growl into the kiss. She swallowed that passionate sound gladly, using her right hand to grab some strands of his hair and pulling him even closer to her.

Five years of hidden feelings exploded in her chest. She really knew no other word to describe that mass of feelings that filled her from the inside out. It filled her body, her thoughts and her soul. This was really everything.

Although Felicity’s heart was hammering against her ribs like it was trying to break them and she was as out of breath as she had just run all around the world, she didn’t stop. She could feel Oliver trying to hold back and give her a break, so she could catch her breath and make sure that she was okay. Whenever he tried to pull back, she just tightened her hold on his hair and pulled him back towards her once more.

They wanted to make the most of the time they had left, so that was what they were going to do now. She wouldn’t settle for anything less, even if she might pass out from exhaustion in the next minutes.

* * *

Oliver didn’t want to wake up. He could feel his consciousness starting to push sleep aside, trying to fight itself to the surface. He didn’t want to let his consciousness win over the sleep though. He didn’t want to lose his dreams. They had been too great to let go of them already.

In his dreams, he and Felicity had spent hours under the Northern Lights. They had sat there, snuggled to each other and wrapped into a blanket to protect them from the cold. They had watched the aurora together, getting lost in the magic of that spectacular natural phenomenon.

As if the Northern Lights themselves hadn’t hold enough magic, Felicity had added some more magic to his night by telling him that she loved him and that she wanted to be together. They had spent even more hours under the Northern Lights, just cuddling and kissing with each other. The way it should have been for years.

The way it would be from now on.

That thought echoed in his head again and again until Oliver realized that it was true. They were together now, and it was going to be like that from now on. He loved Felicity, and Felicity loved him. That wasn’t even a dream.

With that, his eyes fluttered open. He had to blink against the dazzling night that came in through the windows. He hadn’t shut the jalousies last night because he had wanted the light of the stars to shine into the room and help him seeing Felicity. He had watched her for so very long before he had eventually fallen asleep.

Slowly, Oliver lowered his eyes to look at Felicity. Just like every night in the last few weeks, she had fallen asleep in his arms. They had slept with her back resting against his chest and his arm wrapped around her waist loosely for most of the times. Not so this morning when they were chest to chest, Felicity’s face almost hidden against his chest.

He could only see the side of her face, not nearly enough to please him right now. Given that he had finally been granted the privilege of being Felicity, he wanted to make the best of it. Watching her while she was sleeping and knowing that he didn’t have to feel any guilt about it was definitely one of the best sides of being together.

As carefully as possible, Oliver slid a couple of inches away and further down the mattress. He only stopped when his face was on one level with hers, just far enough away, so he could get a good and close look at her. Finally, he could really see her again.

Felicity was incredibly beautiful, always had been. In the warm Alaskan sun, her beauty only seemed to be emphasized. Her blond curls looked golden and, spread out on the pillow like they were now, they reminded him of a halo. It would fit. Felicity was his beautiful angel. She deserved a halo for everyone else to see what he saw in her.

A single curl of her hair fell into her face. It moved from her lips to her nose and back with every breath she took. It was sweet, but Oliver was sure that it was annoying and would wake her up eventually which would be a pity. Felicity didn’t get a lot of sleep lately, and she needed it after their last night.

Oliver felt a small wave of worry ebbing through him. She had been so exhausted that she hadn’t even been able to get up from the ground anymore. Her legs had been shaking when he had tried to pull her onto her feet. He had had to give her a piggyback ride and then he had needed to undress her and put her into one of his thick hoodies because she still insisted wearing his clothes rather than her own. She had been fast sleep before her head hit the pillow, a whispered “I love you” falling from her lips.

Quickly, Oliver tugged that strand of hair out of her face. He leaned in then, brushing a gentle kiss to Felicity’s forehead.

As soon as his lips made contact with her warm, sweat-covered skin, he frowned though. He pulled back for a second before he put his hand to the back of her head and kissed her forehead once more. Her skin was still as warm as the first time. She was running a fever.

His heart jumped in his chest nervously. A fever wasn’t a good sign. It meant that everything had been too much for her lately. She needed more rest, more time to catch her breath. Her state of health was instable and every exhaustion could throw her further back. If she had another seizure, that was going to be bad, worse so if it happened here. He had felt so helpless back then, and he doubted it would be any different during a second seizure.

Swallowing down the thick lump he felt in his throat, Oliver slipped out from under the blanket and pulled it as tightly around Felicity’s body as possible. He stroked over her hair and leaned his lips against her ear then.

“I will get you a tea and a heating pad,” he whispered and kissed her temple, “I will be right back.”

He didn’t want to leave her alone. He wanted to stay here with her, but he knew he had to let go and get downstairs to get her some of the stuff she needed to feel better. He’d be barely some feet away, he told himself, so it shouldn’t be too bad.

Still, Oliver’s steps were quick when he hurried down the stairs and towards the kitchen. Waiting for the water to get hot, he checked his phone. He had gotten some texts from his mom, asking how they were doing and if Felicity was okay.

Oliver was about to type his answer when his phone rang. Apparently, motherly instincts were able to cross quite some distance. His mother must have known that he needed her right now.

“Mom.”

“Oliver,” she said, apparently surprised that he was actually taking the call, “I didn’t think I would get you to the phone this early in the morning?”

“Why did you call then?”

“Call it motherly instincts, but I got the feeling that you needed a call.”

Oliver sighed with relief, and it turned into a chuckle. He might have criticized his parents from time to time, but they were really good parents at the end. They always knew what he really needed them, and they were there for him in those cases.

“I did need you to call me,” Oliver replied honestly, massaging the back of his neck and looking towards the stairs, “although I am not sure that you can help.”

“Try me.”

“Felicity’s not feeling well,” Oliver replied, “she is running a fever.”

“For how long?”

“I only noticed it now. It definitely wasn’t the case yesterday. We have been watching the Northern Lights far into the night. She was exhausted when we headed home, terribly exhausted. Maybe it was too much. Maybe we should have-"

"This was Felicity’s childhood dream, Oliver,” his mother interrupted him gently, “nothing you could have done would have stopped her from seeing the Northern Lights. Even if you had found a way, you would have taken an incredible experience from her. It wouldn’t have been fair to her, and it wouldn’t have been fair to the promise you have made to yourself.”

Oliver knew deep down that his mother was right. Felicity had wanted to go to Alaska and see the Northern Lights. She had wanted it so much that she hadn’t even considered asking her doctor if it was okay for her to travel to Alaska. Oliver had suggested it, but she had told him that was going – whether her doctor gave her go or not.

Maybe it wasn’t even the entire journey that they should have put on hold or slowed down even. Maybe it would have been enough to just take some breaks during their long make out session. It probably would have been just as senseless as telling Felicity not to go to Alaska at all.

He couldn’t have done anything different. Felicity wouldn’t have let him.

“Okay, so since the past is done and can’t be changed, maybe you have some advice what I should do now.”

“Well, a warm blanket, tea and a heating pad helped you a lot of times when you were sick.”

“One is already done, two are in preparation.”

Oliver didn’t have to see his mother to know that she was smiling. He could it hear her smile in her next words though.

“I am really proud that you are taking such good care of Felicity. Have I ever told you that?”

“A couple of times in the last weeks.” Oliver smiled, actually kind of happy that his mother was proud of him. He didn’t know why it meant so much to him, especially since she had told him that she was proud a couple of times already. “Anyway, what am I supposed to do now? I’m afraid that she will go through another seizure. I don’t know what to do then.”

“Felicity’s medicaments are supposed to stop that from happening.”

“But they aren’t a hundred percent safe,” he reminded his mother, “and I don’t want to risk anything. Besides, I can’t take her on a plane home when she is running a fever. It’s too dangerous and-“

“Okay, relax,” his mother told him gently, “I am sure it’s just a reaction to the exhaustion. I will contact Felicity’s doctor and ask her what to do. Your father can try figuring out if there are any good doctors around in the meantime.”

“He doesn’t have to,” Oliver replied, “I have made a list with all kind of doctors we could need during our stay.”

“Okay,” his mother said, “so I will call you if I find out anything else that is helpful.”

“Thanks, Mom.”

“Anytime, Oliver.”

By the time they hung up, the water for the tea and heating pad was ready. He filled the water into the heating pad and added some teabags to the Thermos bottle. He glanced towards the zwieback briefly, but he knew that Felicity wouldn’t eat anything. Even if she wasn’t running a temperature, she wouldn’t eat anything. Breakfast was a problematic meal for her lately.

With the heating pad in one hand and the Thermos bottle as well as a mug in the other hand, Oliver went back upstairs. He opened the door with his elbow and pushed it open with his hip. Looking at the empty bed, he frowned.

“Felicity?”

She didn’t answer him, but the noises from the bathroom were enough to tell him where she was. Quickly, Oliver put the heating pad and Thermos bottle down and hurried towards the bathroom. Felicity was kneeling in front of the toilet. She vomited although the gurgling and gasping sounds told him that there was probably nothing in her stomach to vomit.

From all the nights that he had been out and got drunk, he knew that vomiting bile was worse than anything else. It was like your stomach wanted to vomit, but it just couldn’t do it, so the body was trying to find anything to vomit, even if it had to turn the stomach inside out.

With two large steps, Oliver stepped behind Felicity. He kneeled down behind her, holding back her hair and rubbing her back. He knew it wasn’t doing much, but it was better than not doing anything.

Once Felicity closed the toilet lid, put her arm onto it and lowered her face onto it, Oliver got back up. He flushed the toilet, got to the sink and filled it with water.

“Here,” he said when he kneeled down next to her on the floor and handed her the glass, “that will help.”

“I… need to rinse my mouth first.”

Oliver nodded. He could see on the tip of Felicity’s nose that she was nowhere near strong enough to get up. With a quick look around, he eventually grabbed a little bowl that seemed to be there to catch the water that came in from the leak in the roof.

He watched Felicity rinsing her mouth several times, spitting the water into the bowl. When she leaned her head back with a sigh, she held the bowl between her chest and her legs.

“I’ll take that.”

Oliver grabbed the bowl from her and emptied it in the sink. He put it aside and grabbed her empty glass of water instead. Only ten second later, he gave it back to her with more water. She took some urgent sips.

There was a part of him that wanted to push his hands into the pockets of his pants, but he wasn’t wearing any pants, so he wiped his hands up and down his boxer briefs awkwardly. Standing there, he watched Felicity. She looked exhausted and tired and sick. Last night, she had looked like she had been reborn. Now there was no trace left of that.

Taking in a deep breath, he sat down next to her. He put a hand to her head and pulled it closer until her head was resting on his shoulder. She sighed, snuggling to his side with closed eyes. Oliver kissed the top of her head before rested his chin there.

“How are you doing?”

“Not good,” Felicity admitted, “but a little bit better then when I woke up.”

Oliver sought Felicity’s forehead with his lips. He brushed a gentle kiss to it, feeling her temperature. It seemed to have cooled down a little indeed which was a good sign. It didn’t mean that she was okay though. She still looked like a ghost, her skin white except for the dark shadows under her eyes.

“Maybe we should cut our stay in Alaska short,” he said, rubbing her shoulder comfortingly, “and go home. Everything was a little much lately, wasn’t it?”

Felicity released a long sigh like all the worries that the Northern Lights had pushed away last night were back. They were pressing down on her chest and trying to suffocate her. Oliver knew that because he was feeling the same way since he had realized that Felicity was running a fever.

“Yeah, maybe.” Felicity sighed, her right hand holding onto his bicep tightly. “Maybe it was too much.”

There was some deep sadness in her voice, and Oliver hated it. He hated that he didn’t get along with how her body wasn’t playing along to her plans. There were so many things she wanted to do, but her body didn’t allow her to do those things. It just gave out and fought her soul, trying to make it feel as crappy as possible.

It had to be a thousand times worse for her.

“I’m sorry.”

Oliver could hear the tears in Felicity’s voice. She had loved their little trip here, so she certainly wanted to stay here as much as Oliver did. She knew as well as he did that she was better off in her bed in Queen Manor, close to her doctors.

“You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” he whispered into her hair and kissed the crown of her head once more, “because this isn’t your fault.”

Felicity took in a sniffling breath. “Oh, really? Whose fault is it?”

She angled her head back looking at him. She looked angry and helpless at the same time, a terrible mixture that Oliver all too well. Being angry and having nobody to be angry at was dangerous because in a lot of cases you started being angry at yourself and expressed that through self-destructive actions. He knew a lot about those too.

“Nobody’s,” he told her gently and kissed her forehead soothingly, “which is why we aren’t going to blame anyone for this.”

Felicity didn’t seem to be satisfied with the answer. She released a grumbling sound, scrunching up her nose. She rested her head back against the wall behind her, just staring into the room with blank eyes.

He knew she was disappointed. This might be the last time that she was getting out of Starling City. She had liked to stay here a little longer, just like he did. She knew that she was better off in Starling City though, just like he did.

“I brewed you some tea and made you a heating pad.”

Felicity shot him a brief look before she nodded her head. With a deep inhale of breath, she rubbed her hand over her face then, erasing the last traces of her tears. She straightened her shoulders and nodded her head once more as if she wanted to ready herself.

“Do you think you can get up on your own?”

Again, Felicity shot him a brief glance. Her eyes lingered on his face a little longer this time though. She nodded.

“Okay.” Oliver nodded his head too. “I will make some phone calls and see what I can arrange and-“

He was already about to get up, a list of at least five different things he had to do already running through his thoughts. Before he got to get up on his feet, Felicity took his hand though. When he looked at her, he saw that the sadness was indeed brushed away, no trace of it left. There was hesitation there now instead, making Oliver frown.

Oliver stayed where he was, looking at Felicity. He got a feeling that whatever she was going to tell him was not something he would like to hear. He already got a feeling that he knew where this was going. It was the one conversation he had feared would happen in the back of his mind since he had woken up.

Looking at him, a small smile ghosted over her face. She laced her fingers through his and leaned a little bit more against him. It was sweet, but it didn’t necessarily look like a good sign, not as long as she was looking at him the way she did.

“Last night was magic.”

Oliver nodded his head. He didn’t want to say anything though. If she wanted a way out, he would leave that to her. He hated that thought, but it was her life and her decision. He had gotten a glimpse of what being with her could look like, and the thought of having it taken away from him already was worse than a lot of pain he had experienced in his life.

With held breath, he waited for that little word that had resonated in her words, the little word that told him that she was retreating.

“But-“

There it was.

His face must have given away his slight annoyance or fear or whatever messy mixture of emotions he was feeling at the thought what was going to happen. Felicity stopped, biting down on her bottom lip. She hesitated once more and just watched him quietly.

Oliver pressed his lips together tightly and took in a deep breath. It was her life and her decision, even if it had an influence on his life and, with that, should be a little bit his decision too.

“But we are back to reality today,” Felicity continued after a pause, “which means that I’d understand if you have changed your mind.”

Frowning, Oliver looked at her. Only now he got that she wasn’t trying to find a way out. He had been completely wrong thinking that, just because there were no Northern Stars anymore, Felicity wanted to forget that the magic had an _I love you_ slip from her lips. She wasn’t backing away because she had changed her mind. She wasn’t retreating. It was quite the opposite. She was giving him an out in case he wanted to retreat.

Felicity’s first thought in the light of her temperature and vomiting, wasn’t that she was getting worse and maybe a step closer to dying. Her first thought was his wellbeing and her need to make sure that he wasn’t doing something that he didn’t want to do.

“I know this isn’t really sexy,” Felicity added with what was probably supposed to be a chuckle, but sounded a lot drier than that, “and, speaking of sex, I doubt that we will ever have any and-“

“Do you remember that time that I vomited into your bed?”

Felicity snorted which was answer enough. It wasn’t really possible to forget something like that. It had been one of the many nights after Thea’s death when he had gotten so incredibly drunk just to forget the pain for a couple of hours. Some nights, he had been so drunk that he had a complete blackout.

That one night, Oliver remembered that, although he had been completely drunk and at a great party, his grief had suddenly overwhelmed him. He had wanted to call a cab, but he had found himself calling Felicity instead. He had needed her in that moment, so he had called her. It had been the middle of the night, but she had taken the call and picked him up nonetheless. She had taken him home with him and helped him undress.

He remembered thinking to himself that he wanted to tell her that he loved her. He wanted to kiss her again and again. He wanted to undress and bury himself inside of her. He had been sure that having sex with her, meaningful sex with the woman he loved, would help him to forget Thea when not even alcohol had helped.

He didn’t know if Felicity had understood any of the drunk babble that had fallen from his lips or if he had made any attempts at touching her the way he had thought about in that moment. He couldn’t remember it later, and, if it had happened, Felicity hadn’t shown any signs of it. She had pretended like nothing had happened – nothing but the fact that he had vomited in her bed.

Sadly, he hadn’t forgotten that part either.

“Did that change how you felt about me?”

Felicity cocked her head, flashing him a smile. “Of course not.”

“See?” Oliver tapped his forefinger against the tip of Felicity’s nose. “So why would it be any different for me?”

“I don’t know.” She shrugged her shoulders. “I just thought that it was fairer to give you a way out in case that is what you wanted.”

“I don’t,” Oliver confirmed to her once more, took her left hand and kissed first the engagement ring and then the palm of her hand, “because this ring means for better or worse, in sickness and in health.”

“Actually, it’s the wedding band that means that,” Felicity told him with slightly puckered lips, “and it’s going to be my sickness and your health.”

Oliver put a hand to the side of her face and brushed his fingers against her cheekbone. He hoped that they had enough time for her to understand that he just wanted to be with her. Of course he wished that she was healthy, but he couldn’t change that. Taking care of her was part of being with her, and he accepted that.

He leaned down to capture her lips in a kiss, but Felicity put her fingers to his chin and pushed him away, shaking her head.

“Morning breath is disgusting,” she told him with scrunched up nose, “and mixed with after-vomit breath I am sure it’s the worst.”

Oliver sighed, pushed her hand away and turned her head, so he could brush a kiss to the corner of her lips. That had to be enough for now, he guessed, but it was okay. They still had time later.


	11. Bargaining

She was in pain.

It was the first thought that came to Oliver when he stepped into the bedroom and saw Felicity sitting on the edge of the bed. She was fighting with her dress, trying to put it on. Her movements were slow and almost a little uncoordinated. When she moved her arm the wrong way, she flinched in pain and had to suck in a deep breath with closed eyes to relax a little.

Oliver turned away for a moment, taking in a deep breath with closed eyes too. Just like Felicity, he was in pain. Seeing her in pain made him feel pain. That was how close her was to her or how close they were too each other.

Since they had come have from Alaska last week, Felicity’s condition had been bad. Every day had been like a grab bag in the last months, but it had been particularly bad in the last days. There was one similarity though – the condition of her health was always bad. Those days that he would have called bad days before their little trip to the Northern Lights were good days now, but they rarely ever happened. Most of the times, it was even worse.

Last week, Felicity had barely managed to get out of bed in the morning, any morning of those days really. She had forced herself out most days, only to drag herself through the day. Oliver hadn’t dared to leave her side for longer than three seconds, afraid that she would lose consciousness and fall to the floor. It hadn’t happened, but it still felt like a lucky coincidence.

Oliver had found ways to keep Felicity a little busy. He had fought with himself if he should put her to bed or find something relaxing for them to do. Since he had the irrational – or wasn’t it that irrational? – fear that, if Felicity fell asleep, she might not wake up again, he had chosen for the latter. They had watched movies, or just sat in the garden for some picnic or things like that. Felicity had looked miserable almost every second of it, but she had smiled through it.

In Alaska, they had decided to enjoy the time they had left together. They just hadn’t known how little time they really had left.

Felicity had received her diagnosis almost three months today. When Felicity had told him that she was sick, she had said that had two, maybe three months left. He hadn’t thought that was true because her condition had been mostly stable and had only gotten worse slowly. He had thought that the doctors had just been pessimistic.

He wasn’t so sure about that anymore.

Taking in another deep breath, Oliver turned back around. He crossed his arms in front of his chest and leaned back against the small dresser. Felicity was still sitting on the bed, the dress put on by now. Her heavy breathing showed that it had been as exhausting as an hour of doing sports were exhausting for most others.

Oliver pressed his lips together, unsure what to say yet, and turned his head towards the windows. Outside in the garden, people were carrying chairs and flower baskets. His mother was giving orders, directing the employees of the party service the way a director conducted his orchestra. She was in her element down there, she always was when there were things to organize and people to instruct.

He looked back at Felicity, who was now taking deep breath to ready herself, so she could get into her shoes. She didn’t look nearly ready for it.

“Maybe you should-“ Oliver stopped, clearing his throat and massaging the back of his neck uncomfortably. What exactly should she do? “-stay in bed?”

Felicity frowned at him, almost like he had suggested that she’d go for a run now. A strand of her hair fell into her face and got stuck to her sweaty forehead. She pushed it out of her face and tugged it behind her ear quickly, well, as quickly as she could.

“No,” she said then, shaking her head which caused the strand of hair to fall back into her face, making Felicity sigh, “it’s the Queens’ traditional Autumn Garden Party. It’s the top event in Starling City every year.”

“Not this year because there is our wedding,” Oliver replied, approaching her, “which is going to top every other event this year.”

A smile flashed over Felicity’s face. “You think?”

Chuckling, Oliver sat down on the mattress next to her. He tugged that strand of hair back behind her ear, making Felicity sigh with relief. She just hadn’t had enough energy to push it back there although it had annoyed her. It should be a sign, but Felicity probably saw that differently.

“Oliver Queen – professing womanizer and night club owner – is getting married, not to anyone, but to the Junior CEO of Queen Consolidated. There will be headlines everywhere.”

He would make sure that Felicity never got to see any of those because he already knew that they were going to be ugly. It was why his father was currently making sure that the news about the wedding weren’t leaking yet. They were trying to protect Felicity as long as possible. The press wouldn’t only call Felicity a gold digger, marrying her boss’ son to make sure that she had her fingers on the company when he died, but they would also say that she was a manipulative bitch since she had managed to get Oliver under her thumb. They wouldn’t care about the truth. Even if they found out about Felicity’s sickness, they’d find ways to make her the evil queen of this story.

They needed to protect Felicity from that as long as possible.

Shaking his head because there were more urgent things to think about right now, he put his hand to Felicity’s thigh and rubbed it up and down there gently.

“You should go back to bed,” he suggested once more, “lie down and get some rest. The party will take hours. You can join us later and-“

“No, no, no.”

Felicity shook her head. His suggestion must have woken her combative spirit because her movements looked a lot more determined and coordinated when she reached down and put on her shoes now. When she straightened back up, she shot him a look like she wanted to prove to him that she was fit enough to go.

Indeed, she didn’t gasp for breath, and she didn’t look like she was about to pass out any second right now. Oliver still didn’t get a good feeling.

“I am going.”

“Felicity-“

“Oliver.”

She whispered his name almost a little seductively, making him stop. Using his hesitation, she leaned forward and captured her lips in a gentle kiss. His hesitation only grew. Although kissing Felicity felt so wonderfully natural, he couldn’t deny that it still surprised him when she kissed him, especially when it happened so casually like it had never been different. They had denied themselves this pleasure for too long.

The moment of surprised passed quickly. His entire body tingled from the enjoyment of kissing her. It was impossible not to melt against her when she kissed him, her tongue stroking over his bottom lip. His right hand came to cup her cheek, his thumb stroking over the edge of her jaw. They both sighed before their lips broke apart.

Oliver kept his eyes closed, his forehead resting against Felicity’s. They breathed the same air, enjoying the moment that lingered between them after the kiss. It still felt like it was their first one every single time.

“Come on,” Felicity said eventually, getting up on her feet and holding out a hand for him, “let’s go downstairs.”

Oliver opened his eyes, looking at Felicity. She smiled although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. He knew he should fight her on that. He had good reasons to do so, but he also knew that it wasn’t easy fighting against a decision that Felicity had already made. He would only waste the little of her energy that she had to get through this afternoon, and, if she kissed him again, he would forget everything around himself anyway. He was still surprised when he remembered his name after even the shortest kiss.

With a low sigh of defeat, Oliver laced his fingers through Felicity’s and got up from the bed. Hand in hand, they walked out of the room and down the hallway towards the stairs.

Felicity’s hand had been wrapped around his fingers loosely at first. Hers steps had been determined and coordinated. The closed they came to the stairs, the more insecure her steps seemed to be though. She barely managed to lift her feet from the floor. She put more and more weight on him as her breathing got short.

Oliver knew he should tell her again to stay upstairs in bed and catch a little more rest. He just knew that she would just stay stubborn, so he kept his mouth shut. He shot her nervous glances though, hoping that she would realize this on her own before it was too late.

When they reached the stairs, Oliver took the first step down. Felicity tried to follow. The moment she placed her foot on the topmost step, her leg gave in though. She lost balance, unable to hold onto the banister as her left arm still refused to move. She threatened to hit the hard wood of the stairs, but Oliver’s arms wrapped around her safely, holding her upright.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, seeing the shock in her face, “it’s okay, I’ve got you.”

Felicity’s right hand tightened around the collar of his shirt, holding onto him for dear life. Her eyes still showed shock about what had just happened. Her eyes looked at her legs that had just given out right under them, reproaching them for doing this to her without warning. Beneath that, there was fear – the fear that another part of her body was just giving out completely.

“Are you okay?”

He whispered the words, afraid of the answer. He knew how much Felicity had suffered when her arm hadn’t worked anymore. If the same happened to her legs now, she was going to be saddened to no end. She needed some good news, something good happening to her.

“Yeah,” Felicity replied, her voice raspy, “I think I am.”

Carefully, Oliver loosened his arms around her a little. Felicity managed to stand on her own feet. Her legs were shaking slightly, showing how exhausted she was, but she could stand on her own feet. It was a good sign.

“I think you should-“

“-stay in bed,” Felicity finished his sentence before Oliver got a chance to, nodding her head, “yeah, I agree.”

Slowly, Felicity turned around. Oliver wrapped an arm around her and bent down slightly, looking at Felicity quizzically. She nodded her head, putting her right arm around his neck. Oliver lifted her into his arms easily, holding her as close to him as possible.

With quick steps, he walked back towards the bedroom where he sat Felicity down on the edge of the mattress. Kneeling down in front of her, he took off her shoes.

“Not the way I imagined you undressing me.”

Felicity mumbled the words, so quietly that Oliver wasn’t even sure if they were meant for him. Since he had heard them, he couldn’t ignore them though. Putting her shoes aside, he straightened back up. His hands cupped Felicity’s cheeks, lifting her face towards him. He lowered his lips to hers slowly then, brushing his lips against hers lightly. Then he deepened the kiss, his tongue begging entrance to her mouth which Felicity granted with a long sigh.

Continuing to kiss her like that, Oliver moved his hands up and down Felicity’s back. He explored the shivering muscles through the thin fabric of her dress. Then his fingers found the zipper of her dress at the back of her neck. He pulled it down slowly, letting his fingers brush over the exposed skin of her back. Goosebumps spread down there, showing how much she liked it.

Oliver couldn’t say how many nights he had dreamed about this. He had thought about Felicity sitting on the edge of the bed. He was standing between her slightly legs like he was now. Their lips were moving in synch, tasting each other while their hands were exploring the other’s body. It was even better than it was in his dreams although the circumstances of him undressing her were not nearly as nice in reality.

Once he had pulled the zipper down completely, he pulled back a little, looking at Felicity. Her lips were opened slightly, her breathing irregular. She straightened up a little, chasing his lips, but Oliver moved just out of her reach.

“Better?”

Felicity smiled honestly. “A lot.”

Oliver leaned down and captured her lips in another short kiss before he pulled back and pulled the dress over her head. He reached for the hoodie he had gotten her, but dropped it back to the mattress quickly. He grabbed the hoodie he had worn last night instead and helped Felicity into it. He knew she hated being treated like a child, but he could also see that she was too exhausted. She had wasted all her energy on getting dressed already.

Once she was dressed comfortingly, he pulled the blanket back and nodded his head for her to lie down. Oliver waited until she had found a comfortable position and wrapped the blanket around her tightly then. He wanted her to be warm.

While Felicity leaned back into the pillows with a sigh, Oliver slipped out of his shoe. As soon as she noticed it, Felicity frowned.

“What are you doing?”

“Getting comfortable,” Oliver replied matter-of-factly, “because I am obviously staying upstairs here with you.”

“What?” Felicity frowned. “No.”

Now, Oliver frowned too. “What? Yes.”

“No.” Felicity shook her head firmly. “No, no and no. I am going to sleep most of the time anyway. You will get bored, so just go downstairs and enjoy the party.”

“No,” Oliver replied, now shaking his head too, “I will stay with you and-“

“Oliver.”

She said his name with half of a sigh, telling him that she was too exhausted to discussing this with him right now. She had made her decision though, ands he just wanted him to accept it.

Oliver didn’t want to give in this easily though. He had known that staying upstairs was what was best for her. He knew that staying upstairs with her was what was best for both of them. Why shouldn’t he be able to win another argument?

“This is you parents’ party,” Felicity told him, “and it’s important to them.”

“It’s not more important to them than you are.”

Felicity sighed. “Then go, so you can tell me all the good stories about the stupid things people said and did. It’s going to be something good to talk about.”

Since they had known each other, Oliver and Felicity had talked about these Autumn Parties his parents threw every year. All of their rich friends were invited, and there were always some funny stories coming from the party. They had always had a lot of fun talking about it, especially when Felicity hadn’t been able to come over for it like she usually did.

With a sigh, he admitted defeat. He had won the important battle. Felicity was staying upstairs for the both of them, so he could go downstairs for the both of them.

“Fine.” He slipped back into his shoe. “I will go downstairs.”

“I know why I am marrying you.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows. “Because I always do what you say?”

“Exactly.”

They both chuckled at that. The light moment only lasted shortly though. Oliver put his hands to both sides of Felicity’s body and sighed.

“I will keep my phone switched on,” he told her, “so if there is anything you need, you just call me and I will be back here in three seconds.”

“Three seconds?”

Oliver scrunched up his nose. “Maybe five.”

Smiling, Felicity lifted her hand to his cheek and brushed her fingers through his short stubble. Her eyes sparkled with love, and Oliver could feel his skin tingle in response. He loved being looked at like that by her. It was almost as good as kissing her.

“I love you,” she whispered, “so much.”

Oliver took her hand, held it flat against his cheek and snuggled his face into her touch. His nose pressed against her wrist, breathing her in. Her smell always made him feel safe and protected. He guessed it was what love did.

“I love you too.”

With that, he closed the distance between their lips once more. He kissed her gently and tenderly, not because he was afraid of breaking her but because he liked kissing her like that. He wanted to use every single second of kissing her.

When their lips parted, he released another sigh. He didn’t want to leave her alone. He wanted to stay with her, enjoying every moment he got with her just like they had decided to do when they had been in Alaska. He had told her that he would go, so he did as he had promised.

“See you later.”

“Yeah.”

He got up and walked to the door where he turned back around once more. Felicity had already turned onto her side, her legs pulled to her chest. She looked like she was already half asleep by now. She must have been so exhausted that she would have probably passed out instantly even if he had stayed by her side.

He slipped out of the room quietly, so he wouldn’t wake Felicity back up. Adjusting his tie, he strolled down the hallway towards the stairs then. Without Felicity by his side, he was even less interested in going to that party. He had no nerve for his parents’ friends. He barely had nerve for his own friends lately. All his life revolved around Felicity because she was all that mattered.

As soon as he had reached the foot of the stairs, John stepped through the entrance door. Their gazes met. John frowned, looking up the stairs.

“She’s not coming.” Oliver knew that John was wondering where Felicity was. “She is upstairs in bed, taking a nap.”

John’s facial expression didn’t say much. Oliver thought hat he saw a glimpse of worry there, but he couldn’t say it with certainty. Felicity meant a lot to John because she meant a lot to everyone who had gotten the chance to know her. It was impossible not to like her if you knew her. Felicity was one of the few people that you just had to like. There was something about her that made it impossible not to like her.

“Is she okay?”

Oliver shrugged his shoulders, pushing his hands into the pockets of his pants. Who knew how Felicity was really feeling? Every day seemed to be a bad day. If every day was bad, it meant that they were actually the new normal and okay. It was only really bad if it got worse.

“She told me to go to the party.” Oliver sighed, hating the thought more with every time he had to think about it. “Can you keep an eye on Felicity, please?”

John nodded his head. “Sure.”

Oliver knew he could count on John. He would make sure that Felicity got everything that she needed. Oliver also knew that John would call him if there was anything wrong with Felicity. He was a good friend to both of them.

“In the top drawer of my desk it a little metal box,” Oliver told him, remembering that it was there since he had bought it weeks ago, “because Felicity wants to make a time capsule.”

“One of her wishes?”

Oliver nodded his head. The time capsule was the eighth of her wishes that he wanted to fulfill. After that, only two more wishes were open to fulfill. He hoped to get the chance to cross all of them off his list. They were getting married in two weeks. Until then, he wanted to have everything done.

“Will you get everything done?”

_Before she died_. The words connotated in John’s questions although they stayed unsaid. Everything was going to be separated in the time before and after her death. In some ways, it was separated like that already because everyone knew it was coming.

“I don’t know,” Oliver replied although the words killed him, “I’m really not sure. She is getting worse.”

John wanted to say something more, but the doorbell rang. Oliver rolled his eyes. The first guests were arriving.

“I will go upstairs and check on Felicity,” John told him, “I will call you if anything is going on.”

Oliver nodded his head. “Thanks.”

While Raisa walked to the door Oliver hurried outside. He would use any chance he got to keep away from the guests for as long as possible.

Outside, his father was standing on the terrace, looking over the garden that had been entirely set up for the party. It was barely recognizable as their garden anymore. When he noticed his son, Robert turned around and looked at him.

“Hey,” he said, looking past him just like John had before, “where is-“

“In bed,” Oliver replied, “to rest like she is supposed to.”

No more words needed to be said apparently. Robert just put his hand to Oliver’s shoulder and shook his head. It was a sign of how helpless and lost he felt at the situation. The mighty Robert Queen, who always knew what to do, no matter what situation he was in, was feeling helpless.

Oliver felt his mouth filling with a bitter taste. He should be upstairs with Felicity, or she should rather be down here with him. None of that was going to happen though. This time next year, she wouldn’t even be here for him to tell her any stories about the party.

“I need a drink.”

* * *

Turning her head towards the window, Felicity looked down into the garden where the Queens’ party was in full swing and wondered if it had been a good idea to ask John to push the bed to the window.

She had thought that it was nice to be able to watch the party from afar when she couldn’t be there. She had thought that it was better than just listening to the sum of noises coming in even through the closed window. She could watch the people and, if Oliver told her stories about it later, she would know who and what he was talking about.

Now, lying here and watching them, she doubted that it had been a really good idea. She might have not really thought it through, might have not understood what it felt like to be this close and yet so far away from it all. She felt like the weird, ugly cousin that was locked in her room during some reception in the historian movies.

Although there were a lot of people around, most of the men dressed in dark suits, Felicity found Oliver easily. It had always been like that. Even in a room full of people, she always found him easily. It was just how things were between them.

After Oliver had carried her back to bed and changed her into bed-suitable clothes, Felicity had slept a little. Then John had gotten her a soup to eat and pushed the bed towards the window. She was feeling a little better now, strengthened at least.

Oliver, on the other hand, looked like he was the one in need of a break now. Even though there were several feet separating them and Felicity wasn’t wearing her glasses, she could see that he wasn’t okay. His shoulders were slumped slightly, and he was annoyed. The latter was more of a feeling she got, simply because she knew him so well.

He was talking to his dad or his dad was talking to him. Oliver seemed to be more passive, his head lowered, while his father was talking. Oliver was just tossing the last of his scotch in the glass, listening if he was even listening at all. Felicity couldn’t tell.

As soon as his mother joined, Oliver excused himself or maybe he just left their sides without any explanation. Again, Felicity couldn’t tell from the distance, especially since Oliver’s back was turned towards her. He headed straight to the bar and ordered another scotch.

Felicity felt her heart sink. She could basically watch him falling back into old patterns already. He was in pain, probably shocked or disappointed or heartbroken or whatever from her bad condition today in in the last days, which caused him to drink and suffer all for himself.

Maybe it wasn’t fair to think that way. She had been the one who had sent Oliver downstairs. He hadn’t really wanted to go. Felicity had pushed him too, thinking it was better for him to be downstairs and meet people. Obviously, she had been a hundred percent wrong about that.

A low knock at the door made her turn her head. The door opened and John stuck his head into the room. When he saw that she was still awake, he smiled and stepped in.

“How was the soup?”

“Delicious.”

Felicity had barely managed to get it down. As hungry as she had been, her stomach had been rebelling. John didn’t have to know that. Nobody had to know that. The fact that her body was no even fight its own basic needs was a good sign that things were going down downwards quickly now.

Pushing that thought away quickly, Felicity directed her attention to the metal box in John’s hands and frowned. She doubted that she had ever seen it before.

“What is that?”

“Oliver told me that, if you are fit enough, we could work on your time capsule.”

“A time capsule?”

“Apparently, it was one of your wishes.”

Felicity smiled, remembering that it was true. She had written that wish into her book. She had seen it in several movies. As a kid, she had really wanted to make one of her own. Kids were too young to understand time. Just the thought that there was something that lasted longer than twenty years had seemed exciting.

It was still kind of exciting now. This time capsule was her chance at telling the people she loved most all the things that they needed to know. She could send them some message, being there for them in this little way even when she wasn’t there anymore. Not a lot of people got the chance to do that.

“Ready for that?”

Felicity nodded her head. “Yes, of course.”

She moved to the edge of the bed and put her feet on the floor. The wood was cold against the sole of her feet. She didn’t mind though. She felt hot, too hot, and cold at the same time. It was confusing. Even she herself didn’t know what to take from that.

When Felicity tried to get up on her feet, her knees gave in instantly. She dropped back onto the mattress, bumping up and down slowly. Her second attempt was better, but her steps were insecure. Wordlessly, John stepped next to her and linked his arm with hers. Her gaze met his, and they both smiled silently.

Once John had helped her into the armchair at the other end of the room, Felicity pulled one foot under her and made herself comfortable.

“I am still amazed that Oliver is doing all of this for me.”

John smiled. “Hold one two weeks longer and every single wish on your list will be fulfilled.”

Two more weeks until their wedding. There were a lot of things that Felicity forgot because she wasn’t focused. Her ability to focus had been affected badly. Sometimes, she wasn’t even sure that she had heard the facts or dates or whatever when she had been told about them. She would never forget her wedding though.

She was getting married to Oliver Queen, the man that she loved. Even when she had written that wish down in her book she couldn’t have possibly known how great it would all turn out.

“Two more weeks,” John said with lowered voice, “you can do that.”

Felicity shot him a smile. “I will try.”

It was all she could say without lying. She couldn’t promise it because she really didn’t know if she was going to make it for two weeks longer.

“Can you get us a camcorder and a tripod?”

John nodded his head. “Sure. Anything else?”

Felicity shook her head. She guessed a camcorder and the tripod were going to do it. She couldn’t think about anything else that she could possibly need. A hold on her tears maybe.

While John left the room, Felicity reached into the pocket of her hoodie and pulled out her phone. She used the front camera to take a look on herself. She looked terrible, not like a shining bride-to-be. Since she was doomed to die, she guessed she was excused though.

She pushed her phone back into the pocket of her, well, Oliver’s hoodie and leaned back with a sigh. Since she had been reminded about the time capsule two minutes ago, she had wondered what she could do to make it meaningful. Since her handwriting was barely recognizable at this point, she had decided that little videos for the people she loved was what she should do.

In five years the time capsule could be opened, and the people she loved were able to get her message. Maybe it wasn’t what a time capsule was for – she didn’t really know what it was for – but it was what she wanted to do.

When John came back, he put up the tripod and adjusted the camcorder.

“So, what do you want to do?”

Felicity pressed her lips together and rolled them over her teeth. John was doing so much for her, so it didn’t feel fair to ask him to leave her alone, but-

“I’d really like to do this on my own.”

John didn’t even hesitate. He flashed her a smile and nodded his head.

“Of course.”

He shot another look onto the display of the camcorder. Grabbing the remote from the little bag of the camcorder, he stepped towards her and held it out for her. Felicity smiled in response, taking it from him.

“If anything is going on, I will wait right outside,” John told her, “so call me if you need anything.”

Felicity’s smile widened even more, relieved that John wasn’t fighting her on this and happy that he took such great care of it. He really was the best friend Oliver could have.

Once John had stepped outside, Felicity took some deep breaths. This wasn’t easy on her. Leaving the people that she loved most behind had always been the part of dying that had scared her most. Recording these videos was going to be hard, knowing that they were only be watched when she had left the people she loved already.

Squeezing her eyes shut for a moment, Felicity straightened her shoulders. When she opened her eyes, she opened out slowly and pressed the button to start the recording.

“Hi, Moira.”

She didn’t know why she chose Moira for her first message. Maybe it was because she and the Queen Family’s matriarch had the least touching points. Felicity and Robert shared their love for their work and their worry about the company. Felicity and Oliver shared a bed and their life, well, her life.

“As a woman that was raised by a strong woman that, I hope, has grown into a strong woman,” Felicity said, already feeling breathless from the emotions flooding her body while she was saying this, “I recognize a strong woman.”

Felicity really did. In her job as Junior CEO she had met a lot of powerful women. A lot of them had been strong women, women that had been ready to use their abilities to fight for what they deserved. There had been some women though that had tried to make it seem like they were strong women, but they really were only bitchy women. A woman could be bitchy and strong, but she could also be bitchy without being strong. Felicity knew how to tell the difference.

“I loved my mom. She has been the one person who has always been there for me although she didn’t really understand me.”

She and Donna had been too different.

“After she died, I never thought that I would find someone what I would feel such a connection with, but I do when it comes to you.”

Felicity was almost surprised that she heard those words coming from her. She hadn’t been sure about this before the words had fallen from her lips. She knew that she meant it though. As little as she and Moira had to do with each other, she was some kind of mother to her.

“You are a great mother, Moira,” Felicity told her although she couldn’t hear her yet, “and I know you probably don’t hear that often enough. You hear that you are a great person when it comes to charity. You hear that you are a supportive wife. You never hear that you are great mother though, and you need to hear it. You have raised a great son, the man that I love, so you just have to be great mom. I hope that will never change. No matter how much Oliver might push you away, he needs you. So, please, don’t give up on him.”

Felicity felt her voice trembling and quickly cleared her throat.

“You are a wonderful person, Moira,” Felicity told her, “and I hope you will continue doing the good you are doing. I know some people will say that you are just Robert’s wife, the wife of a rich guy, but you so much more than that. You are using the money your family makes for good things. Never change that. Continue doing the good you do against all belittling voices. You are doing great, Moira, because you are great.”

With that, Felicity stopped the recording. She wasn’t sure if it was heart-felt enough. Maybe she should have thanked her more. Moira had made her feel at home here in Queen Manor. The first recording was probably the hardest though. Felicity didn’t really know what exactly she was doing here though. Was she doing motivational videos? Or saying goodbye? She really wasn’t sure.

She wondered what she would have wanted her mother to say to her five years after she had died. Nothing really came to her mind though. She had never received a message like this, and she couldn’t say what she would have wanted to hear from her mother. Looking back, you could never say those things and even if you had an idea, it didn’t mean that something else couldn’t be perfect too.

Felicity decided that she would just continue. She still had some messages to go before she would have to record the most important one. That should be enough time to practice. Taking in another deep breath, she pressed the button of the remote to start another remote.

“Robert.”

This one was already harder than the message she had recorded for Moira. She and Robert were so alike. They had worked together closely in the last years, and Robert had told her from the start that he was planning on making her the new CEO of Queen Consolidated. He had never played any games about it. He had made sure from the start that Felicity knew that he had saw her in his position when it was time for him to leave the company.

Like she had said to Oliver a while ago after she had been released from the hospital, Robert was like a father to her. She had always wanted to impress her own dad with her abilities, but he had never been around to see the kind of woman she had grown to be. Robert had been there, and she hadn’t even needed to try impressing him. He had been interested in her abilities and her opinion anyway. That was just who he was.

“I never really had a dad,” Felicity told him honestly, “not since I can remember.”

Her dad had left too long. As a child, she had missed him so much. That need to see him had been strong enough to write it into her book when she had had cancer the first time. It had taken her some long years before she had realized that she didn’t need a dad that didn’t want her anyway.

“But then I got to know you, and I found a dad in you.”

It was honest. He was more of a dad to her than the man that had fathered her had ever been. He had never cared for her. He had never taken part in her life. He had never even tried to contact her. He had never done anything for her, but to set her free from him, Felicity guessed.

“Since I have known you, you have nothing but a dad to me. I know you were my boss and my best friend’s father and my boyfriend’s father. No matter what our official status was, you have always been there for me. You have been there with advice – both in professional and personal matters – and with comfort and with love.”

Felicity smiled honestly, feeling her heart melting a little at her own words. She was happy thinking about Robert. He was a good man, the best Felicity could imagine. She couldn’t have hoped to find a better dad to replace her own father.

“I grew up wondering what was wrong with me that my own father would leave me,” Felicity told him with a sad smile, “but you changed that. You showed me what it feels like to have someone who is interested in your achievements and your failures and who is loved the way a daughter should be loved.”

She nodded her head slowly, letting the words go through her head and her heart.

“I know you are disappointed that I can’t take over Queen Consolidated. So am I,” Felicity added with a long sigh, “but I am sure that you will find someone else who is going to be just as good for this job, and I hope that you will show them the same welcome that you have shown me. Some ideas they have will probably seem crazy, but give them a chance. You have always done the same for me, and it meant the world to me.”

Felicity hesitated. She had started this message so emotionally, but had turned to the lighter subjects later on. It had been easier for her because she couldn’t burst out in tears yet. There were two messages more to record, and it was only going to get harder.

“Thank you for everything,” she whispered, tears in her eyes, “Dad.”

Taking in a trembling breath, Felicity stopped the recording. She dropped the remoted into her lap and held her hands in front of her face, taking some more deep breaths. This was so much harder than she could have possibly imagined.

Quickly, before her courage could leave her completely, Felicity straightened her shoulders once more and started another recording.

“Hey, John.”

She didn’t know why it was harder for her to record a message for John than recording a message for Robert had been. She guessed it was the fact that what she was going to ask John to do was what made it so hard. It brought her to the hardest part about these videos.

“I know I have said it a lot of times already, but I have to say it again,” Felicity said urgently, but she quickly cleared her throat, “I have to ask it again.”

Felicity knew that, when John watched his video in a couple of years, he would already know what she was asking of him. She doubted that she had asked a lot of things of him. She hoped that she hadn’t asked a lot of things of him because he was a friend and not an employee, even if he was working for the Queens.

After the first months that Felicity had been going in and out of Queen Manor like it was a second home to her, Raisa had eventually chuckled and told her that she didn’t have to help her putting the dishes into the dishwasher or call her Ma’am. She had meant it, but Felicity had still helped her. She hadn’t been used to have someone clean up after her. She still wasn’t used to it.

However, she had called Raisa by her name after that. Raisa had been too nice and too warm to call her _Ma’am_.

“I know it’s not fair to ask you to do this,” Felicity whispered, “especially after all these years.”

It felt weird that this was only going to be watched in a couple of years. So much could happen in a couple of years. Five years back, she hadn’t thought that she and Oliver would be together and engaged.

Well, maybe she had hoped for it to happen five years ago, Felicity thought. A smile ghosted over her face. Five years ago, she had been very hopeful that something between her and Oliver would happen. Everything had been different back then, though.

“If you can,” Felicity limited her request already, knowing how much could happen in five years, “please take care of Oliver. I hope he is a lot better by now, so I am not just talking about helping him to get over me. Help him with everything. He is a great guy, but he can be like a lost puppy sometimes. If that happens, he needs someone to guide him, and I know that good influence you have on him.”

She and John had been there for Oliver and his parents together after Thea had died. After Felicity, John was the closest friend Oliver had. She knew that they had talked a lot about Felicity’s current condition. John had been there for Oliver now, and he had stopped him from losing his mind completely. He could probably do it again, no matter what other crises Oliver got into in his life.

“I know it’s not fair to ask you,” Felicity continued after a while, “because you have a life on your own. You should be able to enjoy that, and I hope you do.”

She really did. John just deserved the best in life. If he needed a break from the drama that apparently continued to surround the Queens’ life again and again, she would understand that. It would be terrible for her to know because she didn’t know who else would take care of Oliver then, but she would understand.

Luckily, she couldn’t know what would happen in the next five years.

“You are the person I trust Oliver’s life with,” Felicity whispered, “because I know that you can talk sense to him when he is out of control. You are the only one who can do it. I know he can push people away sometimes, especially when he was hurt, but he needs you. No matter what he says or does, he needs you. Please don’t ever forget that.”

She wondered if she should say something more, say something what exactly she wanted to Oliver. It wasn’t necessary though. John would know what to do. He would know when Oliver was ready to move on or when he would need a little push in the right direction. She had chosen to trust John with Oliver’s life. She trusted him to make the right decisions.

“Thank you, John,” Felicity added eventually, “for everything.”

Now, Felicity’s heart was pounding in her chest. It raced, beating so quickly that it caused blood to rush in Felicity’s ears. Everything was spinning around her.

For the break of a second, Felicity considered lying down for another nap. She was exhausted and tired. She could need some sleep to relax and find some more energy. Felicity knew that if she backed away now, she would never find the courage though. She had to do this now. She could still take a nap after that.

The tears that had been welling in Felicity’s eyes before were back, threatening to roll down her cheeks even before she had started the recording. She didn’t want to look this broken already, so she wiped the tears away and straightened her shoulders. She would do this, so she grabbed the remote and started the recording.

She imagined Oliver sitting in front of his laptop, seeing her in this armchair right now with her hair tousled and her cheeks wet from the tears. Would he be heartbroken once again or would he shake his head with a low chuckle because the memory wasn’t that painful anymore five years into the future?

The thought made her breath get stuck in her throat. She couldn’t say anything. Her lips opened, but no sound came out. She just stared into the camera, feeling like a little part of her was dying already now.

“Hi.”

It was a stupid start, and Felicity already considered deleting the recording. There was nothing else Felicity could really say. Every start would sound weird or stupid. She would never be happy with anything she could possibly say, so she could as well just continue.

“I know it’s been a while since we have last talked,” she started gently, not sure what exactly she wanted to say to Oliver yet, “at least for you. It’s been barely some hours for me, so I can’t really complain.”

She could complain because she missed Oliver. He hadn’t been away from her for long, and he was just outside the house though. Compared to what the Oliver that would watch this video would have been going through, it wasn’t even worth mentioning. She wouldn’t change with him for anything.

“Five years is a long time,” Felicity continued eventually, flashing him a soft smile, “so I can only hope that you have found what is necessary to have moved on. I hope you are happy.”

It was maybe asked a little bit too much. Thea’s death had taken him years to overcome, and he still wasn’t really okay again. This new trauma had to be bad although Felicity wouldn’t put herself on the same level as Thea.

“In case you aren’t happy yet and you haven’t opened your heart for love yet,” Oliver whispered, “please do it now.”

There was something weird about asking the man that she loved to move on and be happy with someone else. It felt surreal, but she knew it was what was best. He needed to know that he had to move on and find love again. Being a widow at the start of your thirties did not mean that you had to spend your life in solitude. It shouldn’t mean that.

“You have given me the best time of my life,” Felicity told him, her smile growing even warmer, “and I couldn’t be more grateful. It was greater than anything I could have imagined. I mean I… I couldn’t have possibly known how happy I was going to be being with you. You opened up my heart in a way that I didn’t even know was possible.”

True. Absolutely true. Before Oliver, she hadn’t thought that love like this could be real. It had always felt like something that only happened in books and movie.

“I am almost sorry that I have to say goodbye to life so soon,” Felicity said with a sigh, “because I would have wished to have more time with you.”

She felt tears welling in her eyes and her throat feeling sore. She knew she wouldn’t get another word out anytime soon, so she ended the recording. With a sob, she dropped her face into her hand and tried to bite back the tears, but they continued streaming down her face.

There were so many things that she wanted to tell Oliver. She couldn’t remember them now, but she knew that she would remember them when she saw Oliver again or when she woke up in the middle of the night with his arms wrapped around her. No matter how hard she would try, she wouldn’t ever get those words out.

He would be disappointed when he saw the video, Felicity thought to herself, but she couldn’t change that. She wouldn’t find the courage to do another recording. Even if she did, she wouldn’t find anything better to say to him. She would have to say the words she wanted to say to him as long as she was alive. There was no other choice.

Taking in a sniffling breath, Felicity turned to the door and called for John. He stuck his head into the room immediately.

“Hey,” he said, shooting her a smile, “done?”

Felicity nodded her head. “Can you please put the videos on USB drives?”

She knew that she could do it herself, but it would take her forever. Her right hand wasn’t as flexible anymore. John could do the same work, and he would be much quicker. Sparing time and energy was a useful move for her right now because she couldn’t really afford to waste either.

Although Felicity knew that he could watch the videos, she knew that she didn’t have to ask him not to do so. He wouldn’t do that. He respected her privacy.

While John was working on the camcorder, he said, “I will get the box tomorrow and bury it for you, okay?”

Felicity nodded her head. “Thank you.”

John shot her a smile and winked at her. He put the camcorder into the pocket of his jacket then.

“Anything else I can do for you?”

“Maybe help me back into bed?” Felicity asked with a brief look towards Oliver’s broad bed at the other end of the room. “I think I should lie down and maybe nap a little bit more.”

“Sure.”

John stepped closer to her and wrapped his arm around her waist. Giving her leverage like that, he helped her into the bed. Felicity crawled under the blanket and sank into the pillows. John leaned over her, brushed a kiss to her forehead and tugged the blanket around her.

“You are such a dad.”

John chuckled. “Thank you really much.”

“And like a really good big brother.”

She wondered why she hadn’t thought about that before. Maybe she should have put more thought into her videos. She just hadn’t been prepared.

“You really are a big brother for me,” Felicity repeated, using her chance to say better words than on that video now, “the best I have never asked for and-“

“Hey,” John interrupted her gently, shaking his head, “it’s not time for any of that yet.”

Felicity wasn’t so sure about that, but she nodded her head. She had no energy to fight. She could barely keep her eyes open.

“I will take care of the videos and give you a little break.”

Felicity smiled tiredly. “Thank you, John.”

He winked at her before he turned around and left her alone. Felicity turned her face outside to look into the garden. Before she could find Oliver, her sight already blurred and she fell asleep. She guessed falling asleep like she was passing out was another thing that she could count on to be happening to her more often in the little time she had left.

* * *

“So, Oliver, have you decided what you want to do with your life?”

Oliver felt his neck prickle. He guessed it was a sure sign that Felicity was looking at him again. He had seen her lying in their bed as it had been pushed to the window. She was watching the party from afar. Maybe it was her way of feeling like she was here at least a little bit.

“It can’t be your plan to manage nightclubs for the rest of your life, right? It’s not really a fitting perspective for a Queen Family member.”

The prickling in his neck increased. He really wanted to turn around and shoot a look towards the window to their bedroom. He wanted to see if Felicity was indeed watching. She had disappeared from his view for a while. Then she had been back there, back in bed, and had eventually fallen asleep.

Instead of turning around and looking at the love of his life, Oliver had to listen to this annoying woman in front of him. That he had had the same conversation at least a dozen times already today didn’t exactly make it easier either. That conversation was terrible as it was. Repeating it over and over again didn’t help to make it any more bearable.

“I know that you never really knew what to do with your life, but maybe you get an idea now. I have heard that your father’s Junior CEO has quit, so maybe you can finally take your position in the family’s company and-“

“Excuse me.”

Oliver didn’t care that he was rude, ending the conversation like this. He could see the anger in the woman’s face although she tried really hard to hide it behind a bright smile. The high society of Starling City was great at accepting impoliteness as long as it wasn’t directed at them.

Unable to care, Oliver did turn around and took some steps away. He didn’t want that woman whose name he couldn’t remember or any of the other guests to talk to him. It was cowardly and he hadn’t done it since he had been ten years old and in need of playing some game on his Nintendo, but he hid behind one of the large boxwoods.

Closing his eyes, he sucked in a deep breath. He held it in his lunges and counted to five slowly in his head. Then he released the breath slowly through his lips.

Oliver didn’t know how much longer he could stay down here. Parties like this were terrible for him, always had been. With Felicity, it had been easier. He had just focused on talking to her the entire time, and she had always found charming ways to get him out of nosy interrogations. Without her, all of this was unbearable now.

The tingling in the back of his neck increased once more. There wasn’t anything or anyone holding him back from looking towards his window this time, so Oliver turned around. Immediately, his eyes found Felicity’s, and a smile spread on both of their lips.

Once more, it hit him how much he loved Felicity. Just seeing her made everything else bearable. It provided him with energy and patience and love. There was just so much love.

Oliver knew where his place was right now, and, maybe for the first time in his life, it was where he wanted to be too. This garden party was coming back. There was still a chance to show his face and catch up with all these people and answer their annoying questions next year or the year after that or the one after that. The chance to lie in bed with Felicity was not coming back though, not often enough at least.

With quick steps, Oliver headed towards the terrace doors. He had stayed down here for long enough. He was sure that nobody minded if he disappeared now. Even if someone did, he couldn’t care less.

Just when he had taken the first step of the stairs towards the terrace, someone stepped in front of him. Oliver had been so focused on getting away from here, his fingers already pulling at his tie to get rid of it and get a little more comfortable, that he didn’t realize it until right before he ran into them.

“Sorry.”

Oliver was quick to brush it off and continue his way upstairs to Felicity. When he stepped to the side to walk past the woman in front of him, she followed him, hence, standing in front of him again. He forced himself to an amused chuckle. His gaze lifted towards the woman’s face briefly. Only then he realized that this hadn’t been a mistake.

“Helena.”

Helena Bertinelli – sexy as always in a lilac dress that accented her long legs effortlessly – was standing in front of him. She had one hand put to her hip, while the other was holding a glass of champagne. She lifted it to her dark-colored lips and took some sips. Her catlike eyes never left his face.

“Hi, Ollie.”

There was a long list of people that Oliver wasn’t interested in talking to. Helena Bertinelli was almost on top of that list. They had had something for a short while, but it was already a while back. It just hadn’t ended too well. He had lost interest, and Helena had been mad at him for it. In the last months, she hadn’t talked a single word to him. She had only ever thrown daggers at him with her eyes.

Oliver didn’t know why she had chosen today of all days to change her mind. Maybe she had heard the rumors about Oliver’s wedding and had chosen do see if she couldn’t intervene by using her attraction, or maybe she had just had a little too much champagne.

“Hi,” he said shortly, “I’m sorry, but I really don’t have time right now.”

He tried to brush her off and just walk past her, but she put her hand to his chest. Her fingers grabbed his tie and wrapped it around her hand. Oliver cleared his throat, feeling his patience slipping, and pulled the tie back towards him.

“Oh, come on, Ollie,” Helena said, putting her hand flat to his chest and stroking it up and down there slowly, “let’s have a little fun together. Like in old times.”

“Not interested.”

Oliver took another attempt at walking past her, but Helena wouldn’t let herself be brushed off this easily. She stepped into his way, putting her arms around his shoulders, her forefinger tracing the edge of his jaw. Sucking in a deep breath that made his shoulders tense even more, Oliver put his fingers around Helena’s wrists and pushed her hands away from his face determinedly. There was only one woman that was allowed to touch him like this, well, two if he counted his mother, but that was something entirely different.

Helena’s smile that had been seductive so far broke. She pressed her lips together. Her nasal wings were moving with the sharp breath she took in. She looked annoyed now which didn’t surprise Oliver at all. Helena wasn’t used to not getting her way. It had been one of the biggest problems with the little thing they had had.

“Is it true?” she asked with hissed voice. “You are getting married.”

“To the most beautiful and kindest woman that has ever walked the earth.”

He couldn’t prevent a wide smile to spread on his lips. Talking about Felicity always had that effect on him. It made him happy.

“You are not made for marriage. You-“

Oliver barely listened to what Helena was saying. Looking past her, he noticed that his mother was talking to one of the family’s doctors. Oliver couldn’t remember the name of this one. There had been too many for a lot of different symptoms.

Felicity, Oliver thought with his heart sinking into his stomach.

“Spare your breath, Helena.”

With that, Oliver pushed Helena away gently but with determination. He hurried up the rest of the stairs and over the terrace towards the hall where his mother and Dr. Jackson – Oliver remembered his name now – were talking with lowered voices.

“Dr. Jackson,” he said, feeling a little out of breath when he stopped next to them, “did something happen? Is Felicity okay? Where is she and-“

“Calm down, Oliver.” Moira linked an arm with Oliver’s and rested her other hand on top of Oliver’s chest. “John called Dr. Jackson after she had a terrible coughing fit and her temperature rose again.”

Oliver’s heart started racing in his chest. He had thought that Felicity was better. He had thought that she would just need a rest. John hadn’t texted him either. This entire time, he had been down here when he should have been upstairs.

“What does that mean?” Oliver asked, focusing on getting the facts straight. “Are there more muscles that are giving up?”

He had read a lot about the malfunctioning of muscles and nerves that came with her disease. He had wanted to be prepared although he doubted that he was even a little bit prepared for what was still to come. At least he could pretend that he knew. It only made him worry more though.

“No, she’s simply caught an infection,” Dr. Jackson explained with a mild smile, “because her immune system is getting weaker. Her body is busy fight the cancer. It’s not successful, but it sees it as a bigger thread. Hence, it’s trying to work on that and overlooks small infections.”

It’s fighting a battle that is already lost and endangered Felicity even more with that.

“What does that mean now?”

“Felicity should be treated the same way every person with a flu should be treated.”

“A warm bed and rest to start with.” Moira flashed him a soothing smile. “In addition to that, I already asked John to find the humidifier we bought when your father had that terrible flu a couple of months ago, and I asked Raisa to cook one her magic chicken soup and ginger tea with a little honey. It helps with the coughs.”

Oliver nodded his head. He was relieved that his mother had already taken care of all of this. That way, there wasn’t much left for him to do. He could focus on what was really important, he thought with a glance upstairs.

“Go,” his mother said, already knowing what was on her son’s mind, “Felicity was still awake when we left her room three minutes ago. I am sure she would like to see you.”

Oliver didn’t have to be told twice. With a quick thanks to the doctor, he hurried towards the stairs and took them, always two at the time. He couldn’t be upstairs soon enough, especially after this news.

In the back of his mind, Oliver knew that he needed to confront John on why he hadn’t told him immediately. He had assigned John to call him if there was anything, anything wrong with Felicity. The fact that a doctor had been necessary meant that there had been very bad news.

Right now, he didn’t want to even think about that though.

When he arrived at their bedroom, he stopped for a moment. He took in a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. Felicity didn’t need people around her to panic and waste her energy on calming them down. She had to focus on herself because although he had always thought that it was stupid to think or even tell people they should focus on getting better, he couldn’t help himself but wish for that exactly.

He loosened his tie around his neck completely and unbuttoned the two topmost buttons of his shirt. That way, he felt at least a little bit more natural. He nodded at the door.

“Yeah?”

Felicity’s voice was low and raspy. Even through the closed door he could hear it. Opening the door and finding her in bed, she looked even worse than she had sounded. Her face was so white that Oliver wondered if he could just look right through her. A fine layer of sweat covered her skin. Her entire body was trembling under the blanket.

How could this had happened in just those few hours since he had seen her? She hadn’t been perfect before, but she had certainly not been this bad.

“Hi,” Felicity said, a weak smile spreading on her lips, “what are you doing here?”

Oliver shot her an incredulous look. Felicity pressed her lips together briefly. She knew what he was doing here because she could read from the tip of his nose that he knew about the infection.

“Why are you knocking at the door of your own room then?”

That, on the other hand, made an amused smile spread on Oliver’s lips. It was sweet of her to ask that. He couldn’t help himself. He felt like he was falling just a little more in love with her.

“It’s our bedroom now,” Oliver told her, approaching the bed, “so I felt that it was the right thing to do.”

Again, Felicity smiled weakly. “You’re cute.”

“I am.”

Oliver chuckled and stepped towards the bed. He put a hand to the top of Felicity’s head and leaned down. His lips brushed against her forehead, his thumb stroking back and forth against her hairline. She was warm. He could feel her temperature with his lips.

“How are you doing?” he asked her, locking his eyes with her. “Honestly.”

Felicity opened her mouth to reply, but she closed it without a word coming out. She pressed her lips together for a moment. Then she released the breath with a long sigh.

“Not so good.”

Oliver nodded his head, unsure what to say to that. He had wanted her to be honest with him, and he was glad that she was. It just reminded him of how little he could do for her.

Slipping out of his shoes, Oliver climbed into the bed. He lifted the blanket just long enough to slip under it. Scooting close to Felicity, he put his arms around her and made sure she was nestled up against him. He wanted her to be warm and comfortable in his arms and as close to him as possible.

Felicity sighed contently, making herself even more comfortable against his body. Oliver could feel her muscles relaxing under his touch. He made sure his hands were really warm before he pushed one under the hem of her hoodie and spread his fingers over her spine.

“I saw Helena.”

The three words came abruptly. At first, Oliver wasn’t a hundred percent sure that he had really heard them. Then again, he guessed he had little to no reason to assume that he had just hallucinated the words.

“Hm.” Oliver just hummed, unsure what to say to that. His lips brushed against Felicity’s forehead once more. “I’m sorry.”

He didn’t know why he felt the need to apologize, maybe because he just didn’t like that she had been forced to watch Helena putting her hands all over him. It hadn’t sat well with him that she had done that in the first place. Knowing that Felicity had seen only made it worse.

“You don’t have to apologize.”

He wasn’t sure if that was true. He hadn’t done anything to attract Helena today, at least not on purpose. He hadn’t even noticed she was there until she had gotten into his way.

“You know,” Felicity said slowly, her fingers fumbling with a button of his shirt until she managed to unbutton it and push her hand under the fabric and against his torso, “I would have wanted sex with you today too.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows, his gaze lowering a little. He tried to get a look at her face, but it was hidden against the crook of his neck. Her right hand was still moving against his skin. Her fingers moved determinedly like she wanted to explore every inch of his chest.

“Would have wanted,” she said more to herself than to him, “is wrong. I want to have sex with you today.”

Her hand moved further down his chest towards the waistband of his pants. For the fraction of a second, the wildest of Oliver’s dreams were flashing in front of his eyes. He had thought about this moment for so many times. He still dreamed about it now. This just wasn’t the way it was supposed to be.

“Felicity.” Oliver said her name slowly, emphasizing every single syllable, and caught her hand from his waistband. He put her hand to his chest, spreading her fingers over his heart. “Did the doctor give you some pills?”

Felicity angled her head back, squinting at him. A wide grin spread on her face. It wasn’t an honest grin though. It didn’t reach her eyes. It wasn’t because she was feeling it though. It was because she was completely unfocused.

“Maybe one or two.”

He hadn’t needed that answer. Seeing Felicity like that had been answer enough already. Felicity just didn’t take well to a lot of medicaments. They always made her feel like she was high which was sweet when you knew how to del with it. The first time, it had completely freaked him out. Just thinking about he first time he had seen her like this made him smile.

“What are you thinking about?” Felicity leaned her forehead against Oliver’s, her eyes a lot more focused right now. “You smile, and I love when you are smiling.”

Oliver’s smile only widened at this. Just being here made him happy. Knowing that Felicity loved to see him happy made him even happier than that.

“I am thinking about you,” Oliver whispered honestly, “and that always make me smile because I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Stroking the knuckles of his fingers against Felicity’s cheek, he leaned in. Before her lips couch touch his, Felicity snuck her fingers out from under his hand and put them to his lips, keeping him away from her. Oliver frowned.

“You’ll get infected.”

Oliver grabbed her wrist and pushed her hand away from his lips, placing it against his cheek instead. He moved his face against the palm of her hand, enjoying the way her eyes sparkled at that.

“I don’t care,” he told her, leaning his forehead against hers and nuzzling her nose, “and I have read that kissing is healthy because you breathe more when you’re kissing or something like that.”

He was leaning in against, but Felicity pulled back, frowning. Oliver had trouble biting back a groan. He really just wanted to kiss her right now.

“You have read?”

Although Oliver could see how unwell Felicity was still feeling and how exhausted she was from the flu she had caught and just everything else that her body was fighting, there was a teasing glint in her eyes. Oliver pushed his tongue against the inside of his cheek.

“I liked it better when you were trying to get in my pants.”

Felicity laughed at that. She didn’t smile. She didn’t chuckle. She laughed, throwing her head back a little and closing her eyes. When had he seen her like that the last time, Oliver wondered, and why did he only notice know how much he had missed seeing her like that?

Soon, her laughter turned into a cough through. Felicity curled herself together, holding her elbow in front of her mouth. Her body was shaking from the coughs, and all Oliver could do was rubbing his hand up and down her back.

“Better?” he asked when her coughs start. “Do you need something? Water? Tea? Should I get the doctor again or see-“

Felicity brought her face closer to his again. “What was that about kissing being healthy?”

Oliver smiled, wetting his lips. “Yeah, I am not sure if it’s clinically tested-“

“Well, we can just give it a try.”

“Yeah.”

Their lips touched and moved together in a gentle kiss. Oliver’s arms tightened around Felicity, cradling her even closer to him. He knew he couldn’t do much for her, so he hoped that at least kissing her like this was helping her a little. Maybe it distracted her from being sick. Maybe it just comforted her.

If it didn’t, at least it comforted him.


	12. Empowerment

“Why couldn’t I lose the sensation in my foot first?”

Oliver’s chuckle eased her pain for a moment. Felicity even dared to blink at him through one eye, and a smile spread on her lips when she saw how genuinely amused he was about her words. His eyes were sparkling. There was real amusement and happiness there, two things that she could never get tired of.

The next moment, before she could say anything else or tell him to kiss her which she really longed for, the threatful buzzing came back. She hurried to squeeze her eyes shut once more like closing her eyes could exclude the pain that it caused. Her fingers tightened around Oliver’s hand that she lifted to her nose, so she could breathe him in when she sucked in a deep breath.

Only a second later, the pain was back with full force. Felicity tightened her fingers around Oliver’s hand. Although she couldn’t see it, Felicity knew that the hands of her knuckles were turned white from the grip she had on him.

“You will tell me before I break your hand, yes?”

Again, Oliver chuckled. Felicity didn’t dare to even blink this time because with the needle working on the inside of her foot, she wasn’t sure if she could take it. It didn’t matter though. She could basically see Oliver’s face even with her eyes closed. It eased the pain at least a little bit.

When Felicity had gotten used to the pain again, at least a little bit, she considered opening her eyes and shooting a look at her foot. She really wanted to know what it looked like to have the Northern Lights that had brought her so much joy being drawn into her skin. Then she wasn’t sure if she wouldn’t be too frustrated if she saw that most of the tattoo still had to be done. She was really surprised how much getting a tattoo hurt, much more than she had possibly thought it would.

Before Felicity could make a decision, Oliver was leaning down over her face. His lips brushed against the lobe of her ear, and it caused the best kinds of goosebumps to spread all over Felicity’s skin.

“You can squeeze my hand as much as you want,” Oliver whispered, his lips still touching her ear while he was speaking, “because I couldn’t be happier that you have so much strength. Break my hand, it’s fine.”

Felicity smiled and, despite the pain, she opened her eyes to look at Oliver. She didn’t want to miss a chance at seeing how happy he was. After she had been so weak from their little trip to Alaska and after she had caught that infection, she was feeling a lot better now. She was feeling better than she had felt in a long time really.

Two weeks ago, when she had caught that infection, she had actually said goodbye to life. She had thought that she was going to die because it had really felt like that. When she had imagined dying, that had been what it had felt like, and she knew that it was what the others had been thinking too.

Her heart ached when she remembered the little conversation between Oliver and John. She hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on them, but she had heard them talking downstairs in the foyer while she had been making her way to the staircase. Oliver had told John that he feared that Felicity’s sudden recovery was a sign that it was going towards the end. Apparently, he had red some articles about people showing a surreal recovery right before they died. It was the high before the end, the final grasp for the stars before they traveled to heaven.

Even now, Felicity felt goosebumps spreading all over her skin. Oliver had vomited that morning, but he had told her that he had just eaten something wrong. It had sounded like a lie from the start because they had eaten the same, and she hadn’t had the same problems. After hearing that conversation, she had known that it hadn’t been any food that had turned his stomach upside down that morning. It had been the thought of her dying anytime soon.

A shiver ran down the length of Felicity’s spine just thinking about it. For the first time, she had really got how deep his fear of losing her was. It had been crazy how she hadn’t really got it before she had seen Oliver like that, his body and mind completely in shock like it had just hit him then.

Less than forty-eight hours left for her to hold on, Felicity thought, staring at the ceiling for a long moment. In less than forty-eight hours, she was Oliver’s wife. He would have fulfilled all of her wishes. She would have become his wife. Hopefully that was going to help him cope in case this was indeed that last high before her death.

“How are you doing?” the tattooist asked, shooting Felicity a brief look. “Still okay, or do you need a break or-?”

“I’m fine.” It wasn’t the exact truth, but it wasn’t a lie either. She had been so much worse after all. “Just continue please.”

“Your girlfriend is strong.”

“Fiancée actually.”

Oliver mumbled the words more than he was saying them. Still, at least Felicity heard them. Her eyes locked with Oliver’s and they both smiled.

Getting a tattoo was another one of her wishes on the list. She had even remembered that one, but she had thought that Oliver was going for a washable tattoo or something. The more surprised she had been when she had suddenly found herself in front of a studio this morning. Of course Oliver had had a washable tattoo with him too, ready to change his plans if that was what she wanted. Felicity had considered it for only a split second, but she wasn’t a woman to chicken out.

“Now, for a first tattoo,” the tattooist said, shooting her another look, “you surely went big. Have you already thought about your next one?”

Felicity chuckled although it sounded a little choked. As used as she was getting to the pain, it was still pain. Hence, her fingers tightened around Oliver’s hand even more.

“Thinking about my next tattoo when I am just getting used to getting my first?” Felicity asked then. “Really?”

The tattooist chuckled without looking at her. His eyes stayed focused on her foot just like it was supposed to be. Felicity got the briefest look at her tattoo, too. It did already look great. Oliver must have put a lot of research into finding this tattooist, but that didn’t surprise her. He always put a lot of work into everything, especially when she was involved.

“There are two kinds of people in the world.” The tattooist put the needle back to Felicity’s foot, and she almost flinched away in pain because knowing that the pain was coming and seeing it were just two different things. “The first kind gets one tattoo and has enough. The other one gets one tattoo and can’t stop. I got a feeling that you are the second kind.”

Felicity smiled because she felt like this was a compliment. People with a lot of tattoos were carrying art on their skin. It made them art. They were also incredibly brave because you had to be brave to agree to going through this pain once more. Or maybe Felicity was just particularly whiney to feel that this hurt so much.

Thinking about it, Felicity felt tempted to think about herself as a woman to get a lot of tattoos. She would like to have more reminders of her life drawn into her skin. She would be her own memoir which was weird and appealing at the same time. Then again, she probably didn’t have that much time left. The last weeks had proved how vulnerable she really was.

“I doubt that there will be any more tattoos.”

She tried to say the words lightly like she didn’t mean much more than the fact that this was probably going to stay her only tattoo. Maybe her eyes had given away the brief thought at her impending death though. At least Oliver’s hand brushing against her cheek made her think that.

She didn’t want Oliver to be sad, even for the blink of a second. They had had so much fun in the last days, especially today. She wanted to hold onto that for as long as possible. She’d do anything to see Oliver happy for the rest of her life. It would make her feel little less miserable when she was going to die.

“I wanted to go big the first time because this tattoo really is all that matters,” Felicity added after a moment of pause, her eyes locked on Oliver’s, “the Northern lights mean the world to me. If I get to carry them on my skin, everything is okay.”

Oliver winked at her and that happiness was back. The thought of the Northern Lights and the wonderful memories it held for them both of them could only make them happy. How could it possibly be different?

The Northern Lights really were the most precious memory she had. One of her wildest childhood dreams had come true. At the same time, her wildest dream ever had come true when she had finally given into being with Oliver. It was a dream that continued on and on, and she hoped it wouldn’t stop.

Rationally, of course Felicity knew that it had to end eventually. It even had to end sooner than she wanted it to. As long as she was going to hold on for the next few days, it was all going to be okay though because they got their happy ending. At least she hoped so.

A wedding counted for a happy ending, right? It was what the fairytales always stopped with. Nobody knew if Little Briar Rose and her prince got their happy ever after once they had gotten married. It was the same with Snow White and her prince or every other princess in the uncountable fairytales. All the readers knew was that they had gotten married and they had lived very happily together. Whether that life had taken longer than a could of hours or not wasn’t clear.

You could have a happily ever after even if it only lasted for a few days, Felicity told herself. She needed to believe in that or all of this wasn’t going to be okay at the end.

“And we are done.”

Felicity didn’t know how long it had taken to create this tattoo. It had almost felt like forever. That the tattooist was putting the tattoo gun away now made offered her some relief.

“You can take a look before we take care of it.”

Felicity propped herself up on her elbows. She had chosen to lie down while the tattooist had been working on her foot. That way she hadn’t felt so tempted to look there as often. Now, she couldn’t wait to get a full look though.

The tattoo showed mountains in the Northern Lights. It looked even better tan Felicity had thoughts it would look. It was perfect.

Felicity shot a quit look towards Oliver. Although she had already decided that the tattoo was perfect and she wouldn’t let anyone change her mind about it, she kind of wanted to know Oliver’s stance on this. She wanted to know what he was thinking. His opinion was important to her.

One look into his eyes, and she knew that he loved it as much as she did. He wasn’t even looking at her. He had his eyes directed at her foot, taking in the tattoo that was now decorating the inside of her foot, right around her ankle. There was a familiar glimpse in his eyes, the same glimpse she had seen in Alaska and whenever they had talked about that beautiful time they had had there.

Alaska was special to her, and it was just as special to him. He would carry it in his heart long after she had passed. At least Felicity hoped so.

“You like it?” the tattooist asked, starting to apply some petroleum jelly to it. “Or do I have to assume that your silence is a sign of regret?”

“No, not at all.” Felicity chuckled. “I love it. I love it so much. It turned out even better than I thought it would. Thank you.”

The tattooist seemed happy about the compliment, he smiled before he turned back to take care of the tattoo.

“Maybe I should get one too.” Oliver’s fingers brushed through Felicity’s fingers, telling her that he was talking to her, so she leaned her head back to look him in the eyes. “I could get the same tattoo right here.”

He pointed his finger at the left side of his chest. He didn’t have to say it. Felicity knew that he wanted the tattoo to be close to his heart. He wanted it to be where all his memories of them were stored for the rest of his life.

For the break of a second, Felicity thought that his next girlfriend was probably not going to like if he carried a reminder like that on his body. On the other hand, she would be long dead at that time which meant that she wouldn’t be a thread. Then again, the women Oliver had had in the past had been quite possessive of him, so who knew.

Felicity didn’t say a word of that though. She knew Oliver didn’t want to hear it, not even in a way to lighten up the mood.

Oliver’s idea about getting his own tattoo was still on the table. Instead of saying anything about it, Felicity grabbed the lapels of Oliver’s shirt and just pulled him in a for a kiss. She couldn’t get enough of kissing this man. If it was up to her and her condition wasn’t too disgusting by the time she was about to die, she would love to die kissing Oliver.

Again, it was something she didn’t say when their lips parted.

The tattooist took care of her sore skin and informed her how to take care of it, so it would heal properly. Oliver listened to it much more closely than Felicity did. He nodded along to everything, bought all the stuff they could possibly needed and even asked the tattooist for his private number, so he could call him if anything was going wrong. Surprisingly, the tattooist handed it out with a chuckle. He was probably amused with Oliver’s behavior.

“So,” Oliver said as soon as they had stepped out of the parlor, lacing his fingers through hers, “what do you want to do now?”

Felicity perked up her eyebrows in surprise. Squeezing Oliver’s fingers, she leaned her head against his shoulder and lifted her gaze to his face.

“Shouldn’t we go home?”

Oliver chuckled almost a little dryly and shook his head. Felicity’s eyebrows only rose even more at that. Of course Oliver didn’t miss that, so he chuckled again, much more softly this time, and let of her hand to wrap his arm around her shoulder and pull her in. His lips brushed against her temple when Felicity grabbed his hand that was dangling over his shoulder. It was like a lifeline or something. Felicity wasn’t sure, but it made her feel good.

“All the wedding preparations are taking place now,” Oliver said, “and there is going to be a hustle and bustle there.”

“Well, it’s _our_ wedding, Oliver.”

“Good, that you remind me,” Oliver said, rolling his eyes slightly, “I almost forgot that it was ours.”

When Felicity just puckered her lips, not exactly sure what she was supposed to say to that, Oliver chuckled once more. With a shake of his head, he leaned in and brushed a kiss to the tip of her nose. It was something he loved to do, and Felicity loved it too. She couldn’t stop a smile from spreading on her lips.

They continued walking in silence for a short while, and that silence got Felicity’s head spinning a little. At least the thoughts in her head did.

Oliver didn’t want to go home because there were at least two dozen people that were going in and out of the house repeatedly, arranging everything for their wedding. Moira would order them around, the way he had already done for the garden party. It would take hours, at least until the end of the day, until everything was set up the way Moira imagined it to be.

The question was why didn’t he want to be home? He had been the one driving the wedding planning forward. He and Moira had made a lot of the decisions together. Of course they had talked about everything with Felicity, making sure that it was her vision for the wedding too. Since she had been so sick lately, she just hadn’t been able to contribute as much as she had wished she could.

Anyway, if Oliver wanted to avoid seeing how everything was set up, maybe that wasn’t the best sign. Felicity bit down on her bottom lip, thinking about it, and her hand tightened around Oliver’s fingers. She wrapped his arm around her even more tightly while she was leaning more into his side.

“You know,” she said, her voice sounding as strangled as she felt, “it’s okay if you get cold feet and want to call it off.”

Oliver stood still immediately, looking like she had just suggested running a marathon together. He frowned. With his hands at her hips, he pulled her in front of him and looked at her intently.

“I mean it’s not a big deal,” Felicity told him, unsure what exactly that expression in his eyes was supposed to tell her, “because we just decided to get married because of the wishes and only got together after that. It’s not like it’s a real wedding. I mean it’s real because there is a real officiant there and we are officially going to be husband and wife, but it’s not a big deal to call it off. We didn’t mean it in the first place and-“

“I don’t have cold feet.”

He said it calmly, knowing that those were the few words that needed to break through her babbling. Just like he had cast the right spell, Felicity did indeed shut up. Her lips pressed together for a moment while she was just looking at Oliver. He was just looking back at her, slightly leaned forward, so his face was close to hers, while his hands were still at her hips.

“You don’t?”

Her voice was quiet, almost like a whisper. There were two things that Oliver didn’t take well to. The suggestion that their marriage or relationship wasn’t real and only a result of her dramatic state of health was one of them.

“No.” He shook his head. “My feet are all warm.”

He perked up his eyebrows like he was waiting for her to apologize for her doubt. He certainly didn’t like to be doubted when it came to his feelings for her.

“Why do you want to avoid the wedding preparations then?”

Oliver chuckled, lifting his hands to cup her cheeks and kiss her. It was a quick, feather-light kiss. It was lovely, reassuring and about everything that Felicity needed right now. The tension she had felt building from the moment that this little doubt had snuck into her head fell off from her immediately.

Opening her eyes with a sigh, she saw Oliver still looking at her with perked up eyebrows. Scrunching up her nose, she leaned against him and wrapped her right arm around his middle.

“I’m sorry.”

Oliver chuckled, wrapping his arms around her shoulders and kissing the crown of her head. His chin came to rest where his lips had been placed before. He rocked her from side to side slowly, and it made Felicity smile brightly.

“It’s fine,” he told her, his voice honest, “and, for your information, I don’t want to go home because with all the preparations going on there, there will be no opportunity for us to get some alone-time, and I crave alone time. I have to share you with all of our guests tomorrow already.”

Felicity smiled. Who would have known that Oliver Queen was the kind of boyfriend that always wanted his girlfriend all for himself?

“Did you really think I was getting cold feet?”

Oliver was frowning at her now, his face showing a little irritation but mainly surprise. Since he had proposed to her, he hadn’t shown even a little bit of insecurity about this decision. Unlike her, Oliver had been a hundred percent sure. He wanted to get married to her, and he didn’t doubt his decision even the slightest bit.

Felicity shrugged her shoulders. “I thought you did although I really wouldn’t know why. You get rid of me soon anyway.”

Only the tightening of Oliver’s arms around her shoulders made her realize what she had just said. Allusions to her impending death was another thing that Oliver didn’t want to hear. It bothered him even more than possible doubts in his feelings for her.

When Oliver’s arms eased around her a little, Felicity used that opportunity to pull back just enough, so she could straighten up onto the tips of her toes and brush a kiss against his lips.

“I don’t want to hear those things,” Oliver said as soon as their lips boke apart, his arms tightening around her, “ever.”

Felicity nodded her head, putting her hand onto his heart. “I know, and I’m sorry.”

Oliver released a long sigh and kissed her forehead. The kiss told her that he wasn’t mad at her. He was barely ever mad at her.

“I know that you use humor as a way to relief stress and deal with unpleasant things,” he said slowly, but I can’t hear it. I am trying to, but I can’t.”

Felicity nodded her head, wondering if he had told her that before. Lately, a lot of moments she lived through felt like a déjà-vu. There was a memory ringing in the back of her mind, telling her that Oliver had told her about this before, but she really couldn’t say. Maybe her mind was just making it up.

A few years ago, Felicity had read that a déjà-vu happened when the brain was overloaded. It couldn’t take more, so processing new memories was hard. That was how you felt it was a déjà-vu. Felicity was sure that there had been more information in that article, but she couldn’t remember.

Forgetting things was another thing that happened to her often lately. It had gotten a little better again already, but it was only a matter of time before her memory would be similar to the one of a hundred-year-old with Alzheimer. Maybe her heart would give out before that happened.

Wrapping his arm back around her shoulders, Oliver tugged her along with him when he continued walking. His lips kissed the shell of her ear.

“Only one wish missing now.”

Felicity smiled at that thought, leaning back into his side. “And that is going to take place tomorrow.”

Oliver nodded his head, a low sigh falling from his lips. Felicity frowned at that, resting her head back to look at him. He had his lips pursed slightly, an unreadable expression on his face.

“What?” Felicity asked, pinching his side playfully. “Cool feet after all.”

Chuckling, Oliver tightened his arm around her. When he looked at her, the amused and teasing glint was still there. There was no doubt that there was a serious thought there though.

“I am almost a little scared of fulfilling it,” Oliver said hesitantly, interpreting her expecting smile correctly, “because you will have the peace to pass away then, and I can’t have that.”

Even his smile that was surely supposed to distract from the sad expression in his eyes fell a little now. He gulped, causing his Adam’s apple to jump in his throat. He looked really sad which was something Felicity hoped she wouldn’t have to see until the day it was all going towards the end.

Felicity stood still once more. Her hand lifted towards his face, and she cupped his cheek. Oliver leaned his face into her touch immediately. His stubble tickled the palm of her hand in the most delicious way. She would never get enough of that feeling.

“I promise you,” Felicity told him honestly, her voice low, “that I will do my best to taste the devouring taste of being married to you for at least a week.”

A week sounded plausible. She was feeling okay, good even. She could go through a week, even if it was only her will to do so that was carrying her through this.

“Look, I am feeling a lot better right now,” Felicity told him when Oliver didn’t say anything, “so I guess this is a good sign. Maybe you have me on your hands for a lot longer than you thought you would.”

There was a smile spreading on Oliver’s lips. It didn’t reach his eyes, but that was okay. It was the effort that counted.

“Forever could be just long enough.”

Felicity sighed. “You are asking a lot of me.”

Oliver chuckled and kissed her temple. “Sure. I want to give you every reason possible to hold on for as long as possible.”

“For you,” Felicity said with a sigh, “I will try.”

She kissed the edge of his jaw before she hid her face against the side of his neck. She closed her eyes when they continued walking.

Felicity knew that the thought of that last high before the death was what had darkened the expression in his eyes. He wasn’t sure that she was going to make it through their first week of marriage, never mind longer than that. He probably assumed that her heart was giving out as soon as they had been pronounced husband and death.

Of course Felicity knew that she didn’t have much say in when she was going to die. The cancer was going to decide it for her. Whatever she could do to hold on for a little longer, she would do it. She would do it for Oliver, and she would do it for herself because she really wanted to know what it was like to be married to his man. She doubted that it could get even better than just being with him, but Oliver had surprised her so many times already. She wouldn’t be surprised if he took marriage to the next level too.

* * *

Turning in front of the mirror slowly, Oliver got a good look at his tuxedo. After the last alterations, it fitted perfectly now. The decision against the vest had certainly been right. If he pushed the lapels of his jacket just a little bit to the side, the suspenders showed. Felicity would love it.

A smile spread on his lips at the thought. She had mentioned a couple of times how much she loved suspenders and how much she loved them on him. She hadn’t asked him to wear any, but Oliver knew that Felicity hoped for it. Back in the time right before Thea had died, when he and Felicity had been madly in love already, they had been quite touchy with each other. It had been their way of testing the waters a little, seeing if the other was in for that or not. So, Felicity had accompanied him to some party for his parents’ foundation. He had worn a tuxedo with suspenders and, somehow, Felicity’s fingers had always found their way under his jacket, stroking along the suspenders. When he had looked at her then, she had either pretended not to notice or just smiled at him innocently. Oliver hadn’t minded. Her fingers could have stayed there the entire time if it had been up to him.

Of course he and Felicity wouldn’t have sex in their wedding night – Oliver doubted that people had sex in their wedding night at all because a good wedding meant partying and partying meant that you needed sleep as soon as your head hit the pillow – but just seeing her smile was going to be worth it. Her smile was worth everything. That she was going to let her hand slide under his jacket to feel the suspenders was just a nice, little extra.

As for sex, he was a lot more certain that it wasn’t going to happen than Felicity was. Since she had gotten better, she had alluded to it from time to time. Oliver had tried to pretend to ignore it though he doubted that Felicity had fallen for it. He just didn’t want her to exhaust herself like that, and he knew he wouldn’t be able to go easy if they had sex. He had imagined it for years, so…

Shaking his head for himself, Oliver tried to push that thought away. He was in for sex. He loved Felicity like madly, of course he was in for sex. He was only really in for sex if Felicity was really fit health-wise. They would get married tomorrow which would take a lot of energy because of the wedding reception and everything. She would certainly need a couple of days to recover from it. Maybe if she was okay in a couple of days. Maybe.

With slightly pursed lips, Oliver released a groan. He wouldn’t have even wasted a single thought on sex if Felicity hadn’t planted that idea into his head again and again in the last days. It wasn’t fair she did because she knew him so well. She knew that he’d give in if she just mentioned that idea again and again. As much as her health was his priority, he couldn’t deny that the idea of having sex with Felicity made his entire body tingle.

What man wouldn’t like to have sex with the woman he honestly loved?

Oliver started to zip up the clothes bag. He didn’t want Felicity to see the tuxedo before the wedding. He knew that the dress was the real secret and he couldn’t wait to see it, but he still wanted to surprise Felicity with his outfit. Well, he wanted to surprise her with the suspenders. Everything else was quite predictable.

The zipper had already been closed completely when Oliver remembered something. He hurried over to the desk and opened the topmost drawer. There was only one piece of paper in there, folded neatly. He grabbed it, holding it to his heart for a moment, before he pushed it into the inside pocket of the jacket of his tuxedo. He was in a flip already. It would only be worse tomorrow, so he’d probably forget his wedding vows which couldn’t happen. He was so happy with how they had turned out. Those were going to be some of the most important words he ever had to say.

The last words he would say to Felicity before she died were probably more important, but he didn’t want to think about it. That was why he pushed those thoughts away quickly. For one week, their first week of marriage, he didn’t want to think about the fact that Felicity was going to die someday soon. All he wanted to think about was that he had gotten married to the woman that he loved.

He checked three times that the sheet of paper couldn’t fall out of the pocket before he closed the zipper of the clothes bag completely and shot a brief glance at his watch. Felicity had lain down in one of the guestrooms an hour ago. She probably hadn’t woken up yet which meant that he had to busy himself which he really wasn’t good at lately.

With a sigh, Oliver stepped towards the window where his mother was still bossing people around to make sure that everything was perfect for the wedding. When Oliver and Felicity had come back from their little trip downtown, Moira had tried to involve them into the process of organizing, but Felicity had excused herself for a nap and Oliver had just shot his mother a look that had made her chuckle and sent him away, too. It wasn’t that his mother minded. Oliver knew that she liked to boss people around and make all the decisions. She had just tried to make sure that Oliver and Felicity didn’t feel left out when it came to their own wedding.

Oliver chuckled at that, shaking his head slightly. He wasn’t feeling left out at all. He felt very much involved in all of this. His heart was completely taken by the wedding or, more specifically, by the woman he was going to get married to. He was excited and nervous at equal measures. It was a good kind of nervous though, the kind of nervous when your heart was doing somersaults in your chest all of a sudden and you wonder why and then you finally remembered that there was something good coming your way. It was the best kind of nervous.

When Oliver had proposed to Felicity, the wedding had been meant to be the fulfilment of a wish. He had meant every single word he had said to Felicity because he loved her and he had loved her for so long already. Still, he knew it was different now that they really were together. It was even more meaningful because he wouldn’t be marrying a woman that was about to die when he stepped in front of the altar tomorrow. He was going to marry the woman he loved. That was it.

Maybe their marriage wasn’t going to last very long, but that didn’t mean that it was less real than other marriages. It would mean the world to both of them, and that really was all that counted.

With another glance at his watch – barely two minutes had passed since the last time that he had checked for the time – Oliver decided that maybe he could need a little nap too. Closing his eyes for three minutes might not hurt. When he also got to lie down and hold Felicity it was only going to be better.

He tiptoed to the guestroom where he was sure to find Felicity, and opened the door as quietly as possible. He didn’t want to wake her up. As soon as he got to take a glance at the bed, he found it empty though.

“Felicity?” he called out quietly to check if maybe she was in the bathroom or somewhere. “Felicity, are you here?”

He didn’t get an answer, so he assumed that Felicity wasn’t here. He checked the bathroom for her anyway, just in case she might have collapsed or something. He didn’t even want to think about that possibility, but he knew it was a real one that he couldn’t just ignore.

Luckily, since Felicity wasn’t in the bathroom either, he guessed that he had overreacted. Or whatever.

With quick steps he hurried downstairs. He had to do a little dance to avoid running into the people that were carrying stuff around for the wedding tomorrow. The foyer looked like a battlefield, but Oliver didn’t linger on that for too long. He knew his mother would take care of anything, and she wouldn’t really want his help even if he offered it.

Stepping out into the garden, his mother noticed him immediately. She held her clipboard to her chest, almost like she was hugging it. Oliver was sure that she just didn’t want him to see how much still had to be done and offer his help. She couldn’t really turn it down if he offered since it was his wedding after all.

“Oliver.” She stepped towards him. “I thought you were upstairs.”

It actually sounded more than a question, so Oliver shrugged his shoulders.

“I was, but then I was looking for Felicity.”

Moira frowned. “Didn’t she lie down?”

Again, Oliver shrugged his shoulders. “That was what I thought.”

His mother seemed to be about to say something more. She opened her lips at least, but she closed her mouth without saying anything. Just when she took another attempt, she looked past his shoulder.

“Mr. Diggle, have you seen Felicity?”

Oliver turned around to find John stepping onto the terrace. He looked about as helpless with all the people around him as Oliver had been. He was even doing that same awkward dance to try and avoid everyone.

“Felicity?”

“Yeah.” Oliver rolled his eyes slightly. “You know, cute, little blonde with beautiful eyes and my wife-to-be?”

An amused grin spread on John’s lips, and his body was shaken slightly by a chuckle he was biting back. He didn’t say a word. Oliver just looked at him with a shake of his head when Moira was called away towards the chuppah. Two guys and a woman were trying to decorate with flowers, but they seemed to be in need of Moira’s help, so she hurried away.

“Now, have you seen her?” Olive asked John when he turned back around to him.

“No, I haven’t.”

Oliver sighed and put his hands to his hips. With a glance towards the back of the garden, he figured that he did have an idea where Felicity might be.

He had already taken the first steps away when he turned back around to John once more. He pointed his finger at him, making John perk up his eyebrows. He mouther a “What?”

“You still have the rings, right?”

John chuckled openly now. Without saying anything, he reached into the pocket of his pants and pulled out the small velvet box then. Shooting Oliver a pointed look, he opened it to reveal the two rings inside.

Oliver felt a little tension falling from his shoulders. “Thank God.”

Again, John chuckled. He seemed to find a lot of amusement in Oliver’s pre-wedding behavior today. He also showed no sign of guilt for it because he didn’t even try hiding his grin.

“You thought I would lose them?” John chuckled, pushing the ring box back into the pocket of his pants, and shook his head. “I have been here, years and years, and watched you pining after Felicity. You can bet your ass that I will do everything to make this wedding happen and be successful tomorrow.”

Oliver doubted that he had ever head John talking like that. It was a sure sign that he really meant this. This wedding meant almost as much to him as it meant to Felicity and Oliver. John had been here, years and years, and he had listened to Oliver when he had talked about how much he wanted to be with Felicity. Of course he was taking his responsibility as best man very serious.

Although Oliver had become a lot better at expressing his emotions, he was almost exclusively able to put them into words if Felicity was there. He was like an open book to her anyway, so he guessed he could as well read out loud what was written onto his heart.

“I gotta go and find my girl.”

John nodded his head at that. He was still grinning. Oliver was sure that he couldn’t hide it even if he tried. Oliver chuckled about that, shaking his head and turning away.

He really was in a good mood lately. Since he had come back from Alaska, there was just a lot more sunshine in his life. Admittedly, the sunshine was often hidden behind dark clouds, but Oliver knew that it was there. All he had to do was waiting for the clouds to move away and allow himself a glimpse of the ray of sun.

It had to be a nice change for John.

Oliver found Felicity in the gazeboo, right where he had proposed to her. She was sitting at the small table inside, looking out on the pond. The sun reflected in the water, and shed some light right on Felicity’s face. It made the soft smile on her lips only look more beautiful.

Staying where he was, Oliver leaned against the closest tree and just watched Felicity. She looked so at peace with herself. The thought of getting married to her tomorrow made his heart skip a little beat.

He could watch her like that forever, well, or at least until it was time to meet at the altar because there was no way that he was going to miss out on getting married to her. Soon, much sooner than he had hoped for, Felicity noticed him though.

“Oliver.” It sounded a little bit like a reproach, but her smile betrayed her. “What are you doing here?”

She closed her notepad and put her arm over it protectively. Her eyes glanced towards it briefly before she shot him a wide smile. Oliver just perked up his eyebrows and chuckled, not moving from where he was still leaning against a tree.

“Are you keeping secrets from me already?”

Felicity cocked her head. Her hair fell over her shoulder. With the sunlight shining through them from behind, they looked even more like a halo than they usually did. She looked beautiful in the golden autumn sun, but the again she always looked beautiful.

“I have a lot of secrets.”

Oliver perked up his eyebrows only more. Slowly he started approaching her then. There was a wide smile on Felicity’s lips, and it was mirrored on his too. If Felicity was smiling, he had to smile. It was his nature.

“A lot of secrets?”

Felicity nodded her head and hummed. “Oh yes.”

“Like what?”

Felicity chuckled, throwing her head back a little. His question seemed to honestly amuse her. Her laughter sounded a little bit like a song. It sounded like music, music that he couldn’t get enough of.

“No way, Mister,” she told him, “because – one – those wouldn’t be secrets any longer if you knew. Two – I never give up a secret easily.”

Oliver stepped into the gazebo, still approaching Felicity slowly. His eyes were narrowed down on her slightly.

“And three?” Oliver asked. “There has to be a third reason.”

The corners of Felicity’s lips twitched slightly. She didn’t answer though. She just looked at Oliver intently. He leaned down, resting his forehead against hers and looked back just as intently.

“Three,” Felicity whispered, “I still need to have some secrets from my husband.”

Oliver felt his heart making a jump. A shiver ran down his back. Warmth filled every inch of his body.

“Say it again,” he asked in a whisper, “please.”

Felicity’s eyes sparkled with happiness at that. The corners of her lips twitched even more. She wouldn’t be able to hide her smile even if she tried to.

“My husband.”

Felicity whispered the words, her breath ghosting over her chin. Oliver leaned in and brushed a kiss against the edge of her jaw.

“Again please.”

“My husband.”

He kissed the corner of her lips.

“Again.”

“My husband.”

Oliver angled his head a little and brought his lips right against Felicity’s. She sighed, lifting her right hand to his cheek and opened her lips to his tongue. It was his turn to sigh when he tasted her – sweet and just Felicity-like.

Although he felt like he could get lost in this kiss, wished for it actually, he didn’t forget about the little conversation they had had before. His hand sneaked to Felicity’s notepad on the table, about to take it, but Felicity didn’t let herself be fooled. She broke the kiss and slapped her hand down on the notepad.

“Privacy, Mister.”

Chuckling, Oliver pecked her lips once more and sat down on the chair next to her. His fingers laced through hers on top of the notepad.

“So, what secrets are you keeping from me here?”

“None,” Felicity replied easily, “but these are my wedding vows, well, my ideas for the wedding vows. You don’t get to take a look at them.”

“That’s fair since you wouldn’t get to take a look at mine either.” Oliver chuckled briefly before he puckered his lips and stroked his fingertips over the back of her hand. “I have to say that I am a little bit disappointed that you still haven’t written them.

Felicity perked up her eyebrows. “Do you want to tell me that you have finished yours?”

“Days ago,” Oliver replied honestly, “so mine are already in a pocket of my suit.”

Oliver took great pleasure in the way Felicity’s eyebrows perked up even more. She knew that he was usually doing things in the last minute. It was just how he did things. It had to tell her a lot about his excitement that he had finished these vows already.

“Really?”

A chuckled escaped his lips. He wasn’t surprised that Felicity didn’t believe him easily. That was how late he usually was with such things.

“Really.” Oliver brushed his lips against Felicity’s. “I knew what I wanted to tell you, so I wrote it down. Now those words are just waiting for you to be heard.”

“Lucky you.” Felicity released a sigh and leaned back into her chair. “I am still struggling. After I have already ruined the last words in the time capsule, these need to be perfect.”

“I am sure you didn’t ruin whatever you said on those videos.”

Oliver knew that she had recorded videos. Felicity had told him while she had been so sick with her infection. She hadn’t even been completely there with him when she had told him that she had recorded videos for his parents, John and him. Right before falling asleep, she had even mentioned that she had completely ruined them. Until now, Oliver hadn’t been sure if she remembered.

“Yeah, I did,” Felicity replied with another sigh, “but I was sick then, so I am sure nobody will hold it against me. If I don’t say the right words tomorrow, it will be different though. I mean even if you hate what I say in that video, you cannot hold it against me because-“

Felicity stopped, her breath getting stuck in her throat and a familiar glimpse in her eyes. Whatever words she had had on her lips died right there. She pressed her lips together, rolled them into her mouth and hesitated.

Oliver knew that she had probably meant to say something along the lines of _I am already dead when you watch it._ She had remembered his reluctance of hearing anything about her impending death right in time. Those little quips just fell from her lips easily as her way of dealing with this mess, but they hit his ears heavily and Oliver couldn’t deal with that at all.

“-because you were sick?”

“Yeah.” Felicity released a sigh of relief at the exit he offered. “Exactly.”

Oliver shot her a smile that probably didn’t reach his eyes. The thought of Felicity dying, as present as it was with him every single second of every single day, still hit him with violence when he thought about it more intently. He doubted that he would ever get used to this.

Since his smile alone didn’t seem to help Felicity with her slight guilt, Oliver leaned forward and brushed his lips against Felicity’s in a brief kiss. It was only a touch of their lips, not much more.

When the sun came out once more, sunlight falling on both of their faces, they broke apart. Their faces stayed close, Oliver’s hand at Felicity’s cheek, but they both turned their faces towards the sun.

“I love autumn,” Felicity whispered, “it’s my favorite time of the year.”

Oliver opened his eyes, looking Felicity. With her eyes closed and the smile on her lips, she looked even more beautiful now. He wished they could stay in this moment forever and he could just watch her like that.

“Autumn is colorful and a sign of hope,” Felicity continued without being asked, “because the trees are getting rid of the old leaves and prepare themselves for the cold. I don’t know. It probably doesn’t make much sense, but it feels like autumn means hope.”

Felicity was right. He probably didn’t really get it. He liked the way that she was thinking though. He liked that Felicity was thinking about her favorite season and about hope. A positive mindset was always a good thing, especially with the things that were waiting for them in the near future he guessed.

Oliver envied Felicity for that. He tried to be hopeful, but there wasn’t much to be hopeful about, right?

Continuing to watch Felicity, he grabbed her left hand from where it was resting on her thigh. He held her fingers between his gently, almost like he was afraid of breaking her bones even by the gentlest touch. His thumb stroked over her ring finger, feeling the engagement ring he had pushed onto it a few weeks ago. Tomorrow a wedding ring was going to be added, and he couldn’t wait to see it there.

When Felicity chuckled, Oliver perked up his eyebrows.

“That tickles,” she told him, her eyes still closed.

Oliver smiled, only watching her more intently. Her shoulders were shaking slightly from her quiet laughter. Although she wasn’t looking at their linked fingers, Oliver could almost see her focusing on the touch of his thumb against her skin. He wondered if she tried to memorize this sensation as much as Oliver was trying to memorize her face.

Because of how much he was focused on her face, of course Oliver didn’t miss the change in Felicity’s facial expression after a while. Her smile faded and an unsettled expression spread on her face. A deep furrow formed between her eyebrows.

„What?“ Oliver hurried to ask. “What’s wrong?”

His heart started racing, afraid what her answer might be. Was she feeling sick? Did she had to vomit? Or was it worse? Was there another seizure coming, just like after his proposal?

With held breath, Oliver waited for Felicity to answer, but she didn’t say a word. She just sat there with her eyes still closed and her brow furrowed. She was breathing heavily, almost like she had trouble breathing. He could see that she was swallowing again and again.

“Maybe I should call a doctor and-“

“No.”

Felicity opened her eyes, her gaze finding his right away. The unsettlement he had seen on her face in general before was at least twice as strong in her eyes. Oliver’s fingers tightened around Felicity’s hand, afraid that she was slipping away from him. He still had no idea what was going on.

“I can feel that.”

Oliver frowned. “You can feel what?”

“Your hand,” Felicity whispered, her gaze dropping to where his right hand was holding onto her left one, his thumb still drawing small circles into the skin of her ring finger. “I can feel your hand in mine.”

Oliver’s frowned deepened. “Yeah, I am holding your hand. It’s-“

That was when it hit him. Felicity could feel his hand in hers. She could feel it with closed eyes. She could feel it with her left hand, the one that had lost all ability to move or feel anything weeks ago.

His heart skipped a couple of beats, beating completely out of rhythm in a way that made his breathing tremble and his chest hurt. Then it started racing as quickly as Oliver had never experienced it before.


	13. Confusion

Oliver’s fingers were warm. They weren’t too warm or sweaty or anything like that, just pleasantly warm. They offered some much-needed warmth to her cold fingers. His thumb was moving in small circles and eights over the back of her hand, drawing invisible patterns right into her skin. The skin of his thumb was calloused, probably a leftover from constructing his club Versant. Little to no people knew that he had actually lend a hand with the renovations. The callousness of his fingertips proved that he had spent a lot of hours building walls and installing the floors and such things. It had created a lot of little scars and tiny roughnesses that created an almost scratchy feeling against her soft skin. His other fingers weren’t moving, but they clenched down on her hand from time to time.

Of course Felicity knew exactly how Oliver’s fingers felt around her hand. Even without his hand wrapped around hers right now, Felicity would know. She had memorized that feeling a long time ago, just like she had memorized the reaction of her body. That warmth and comfort was something that only the touch of Oliver’s hand could offer to her.

Still, with her left hand finally able to feel it again, she just had to focus on the sensation. Her left hand could confirm all the information her right hand had gathered in the last weeks.

Felicity knew that there was something called muscle memory. There were some motion sequences that kind of became ingrained in the muscle. The muscle memorized that motion sequence through repetition. That way, people didn’t have to think about it in details like when they were driving or car or something.

Maybe there was something like sensation memory too. Maybe her cells had memorized what Oliver’s hand felt like wrapped around hers. Maybe they had memorized it before they had lost their ability to feel anything, fearing that a moment like this would come and knowing that a loss like that would be unbearable.

Why hadn’t she felt anything before then?

Maybe, she really got her sensation back. Maybe it was as simple as that.

Felicity released a long sigh, closing her eyes with a shake of her head, before she rested her head back against the wall behind her.

“Are you okay?”

Oliver’s voice was lowered to a whisper, worry audible in his voice. He placed a firm kiss on her forehead. It was certainly meant as a kiss of comfort, a sign that he was here with her, but Felicity knew that it was more than that. Oliver was checking her temperature for the umpteenth time, afraid that the return of sensation wasn’t a good sign.

It was what they were both thinking, but neither of them dared to say out loud. Maybe the tumor had moved a little, growing in some other direction and affecting other parts of her brain soon. The numbness and immobility of her left arm had been annoying and it had devastated her. Compared to what else this tumor could take from her, it had been a minor loss though.

“I just think it’s useless to waste so much time here,” Felicity whispered back, taking a look around the waiting room, “when we have so much more important things to do with the wedding coming tomorrow.”

They had been here for almost three hours already. Dr. Schwartz had made sure to have time for her as soon as Felicity had called her and told her about the returned sensation in her arm. Once they had arrived here, Dr. Schwartz had run several tests on her. To Felicity, it seemed like a waste of time. She would have left two hours ago already, but Oliver had insisted for her to stay here with him, and she hadn’t been able to deny him that. She was putting him through too much already.

“Should I get you a coffee?”

Felicity shook her head. “No, I just want to go home and sleep.”

It wasn’t exactly true. She wanted to go home, but she doubted that would find any sleep even if she tried to. She was kind of hyped right now like a kid that had eaten too much sugar. Felicity didn’t know why that was the case. She didn’t expect anything of this.

“You can rest your head on my shoulder and close your eyes a little,” Oliver suggested, squeezing her hand. “I make a great pillow.”

Felicity shot him a smile, about to answer. Before she could even open her mouth, a nurse stepped out from Dr. Schwartz’ office and looked at them.

“Ms. Smoak, Dr. Schwartz is now ready to talk about the results with you.”

Felicity got up, nodding her head almost mechanically. She felt like she was caught in some dream and in this dream, she was a puppet. Someone had tied her arms, legs and head to thin strips that were now used to make her move however the puppeteer wanted it to. She didn’t have any say in this. Even if she did, she wouldn’t know because she just followed blindly.

“Do you want to go there alone?”

Only now Felicity realized that she must have let go of his hand when she had gotten up. She turned her head to look at Oliver. His eyes told her that he would understand if she wanted to go alone. He wouldn’t hold it against her. He would prefer it to be by her side when she got the news though. He wanted to be there for her.

Without saying a word, Felicity just held out her hand for him. She couldn’t speak. There was a thick lump in his throat, and she felt unable to swallow it even if she tried. Oliver laced his fingers through hers and squeezed her hand in silent encouragement before they stepped into the office hand in hand.

“I’m sorry that you had to wait so long,” Dr. Schwartz said as soon as the door had closed behind Oliver and Felicity, “but I-“

“You don’t have to apologize.” Felicity’s voice was trembling when she finally found her voice again, and dropped down into one of the chairs at the other side of Dr. Schwartz’ desk. “I know that you have a full schedule, and we did come here quite spontaneously.”

Dr. Schwartz just flashed her a smile that Felicity didn’t know how to interpret. It could be an attempt to encourage her or maybe one to calm her nerves. Felicity was sure that her nervousness was written onto her face. Knowing that something bad was going to happen and actually having it confirmed were just two completely different things.

The silence that spread felt like it lasted for half an eternity. It was almost screaming at Felicity. She could hear the quiet ticking of the clock at the wall behind Dr. Schwartz. She could hear the way Dr. Schwartz’ hands were moving over the file that Felicity guessed held all the results of the tests that had just been taken. She could hear the way Oliver’s breathing stuttered although he tried to take in deep breaths.

While everything and everyone around her seemed to be incredibly loud, everything inside of her was quiet. There was no thought running through her head. She couldn’t hear her own heartbeat. She couldn’t even feel it. She felt numb which was a little ironic considering why she had come here.

“I don’t want to keep you on the rack.”

Dr. Schwartz straightened up even more. Her fingers spread on Felicity’s medical file. She kept her hands on the cover of it like it was a secret possession that she didn’t want to share.

“Felicity, the results of your PET-CT show no abnormality. The same applies to your blood test although it shows some nutrient deficiency, but I am sure that is only a consequence of the malnutrition since you haven’t eaten a lot lately.”

Dr. Schwartz looked at her intently, saying the words out slowly like she wanted to make sure that Felicity really understood what she was saying. Or maybe she tried to convince herself of this. Felicity couldn’t say. Both seemed perfectly possible right now.

“One of the reasons I had to let you wait so long is because I consulted two other specialists of oncology. Prof. Dr. Schneider is head physician in a clinic in Germany. Prof. Dr. Hudson is teaching medical students at Harvard. He was my dissertation adviser and is still a close friend of mine.”

Felicity wasn’t sure if Dr. Schwartz had mentioned either of these two people before. If so, she didn’t remember their names.

“They took a look at your tests too and came to the same conclusion.”

Again, silence spread. Felicity was sure that it only lasted for a second. Dr. Schwartz wasn’t one to play around and make artistical breaks to increase the excitement. She was a direct person, saying what was a fact. In her years as a doctor, she had certainly learned that telling uncomfortable truths was something that should be done the way you rip off a plaster – quick and without any warning.

Felicity just stared at her. She was almost sure that she should already understand what Dr. Schwartz was trying to tell her. Her brain seemed to have some kind of block though as she still had no idea what all of this meant. Was this something good or something bad?

“Felicity, you are cancer-free.”

The words should have probably felt like a clearance, but it felt like she had just been punched into the face without warning. She was just as surprised about it as a punch in the face would have surprised her too.

Cancer-free. She knew the word. It meant that she was free of cancer. She remembered her doctor sitting down at the edge of the bed after long months in the hospital, smiling at her. With a hand to her shoulder, she had been told that the long and painful months of treatment had finally paid out. She had been cancer-free.

Now she was cancer-free again.

It just didn’t make any sense. There had been no chance at healing for her. The only thing she could have hoped for was a little bit more time, so she could settle her issues and say goodbye to the people she loved most as well to her life. There had never been a chance at being cancer-free. Even the hardest fight wouldn’t have helped it.

“I don’t understand.”

Felicity didn’t even recognize her voice as she whispered the words. Her voice didn’t sound like hers. It sounded mechanic, almost like it was coming from a robot.

“It is hard to understand,” Dr. Schwartz admitted with a slight shrug of her shoulders, “even for me.”

“But cancer-free,” Oliver said slowly, “actually means that there is nothing left?”

“If I didn’t know better, I’d say that Felicity never had cancer. Her body shows no signs of it.”

“Not at all?”

“Not at all.” Dr. Schwartz shrugged one shoulder. “There are no shadows, no enlarged lymph nodes. It is why I consulted my two colleagues. They have a lot experience, and I wanted to make sure that I didn’t miss anything.”

“You didn’t miss anything.”

“I didn’t miss anything.”

Although Felicity wasn’t looking at him directly, she could see Oliver’s lips spread into a wide smile that seemed to take over his entire face. He had already accepted the news, taking this good news after weeks of only receiving bad news. Every doubt was already wiped from his memory.

“It’s a miracle,” Oliver whispered, “a real miracle.”

Dr. Schwartz shot him a smile. “If I was a religious person, I would certainly agree. As a doctor, I have to call it spontaneous healing. It’s something that isn’t that well researched yet because there aren’t as many cases of this as the media tries to make people believe. There are researches that proof that it can happen though. Sometimes, without any medical treatment or any other obvious reason, the body is able to heal itself. Or maybe the tumor destroy itself. Either way, the result is still the same. A sickness dies without any medical reason for it. It’s completely unclear how or why.”

“A miracle.”

“Spontaneous healing.” Dr. Schwartz smiled at him before she sighed and nodded her head. “My dad spent more than fifty years as a doctor, and he only had one patient with a complete spontaneous healing. His name was Andrew Bickster, a father of triplet girls. He was in the middle of his thirties when he was diagnosed with leukemia. All treatments had been exhausted. There had been nothing left to do. My dad sent him home to die with his loved ones around. A couple of weeks later, he was back in the clinic without a single cell of cancer left in his body. I remember it because he still has photos of Bickster leading his daughters to the altar.”

“Hey, I will gladly let Felicity lead our kids to the altar and send you all the photos. God, you can come to the wedding and officiate it if you want to.”

Felicity listened to Dr. Schwartz and Oliver. She heard every single word that was said, but she didn’t feel able to really process them. It was like she was watching some drama playing on the stage of the theatre, but not quite understanding what it was about – or even worse, not feeling anything watching it. It was like watching a soap opera that you felt completely disconnected from.

She was a viewer to her own life at this moment. She didn’t participate in it. She just sat there and watched it play out. The people around her took an active role in it. Felicity herself didn’t do that though. She just watched, and nobody seemed to mind.

Who knew? Maybe she wasn’t even here. Maybe she was still sitting on one of the uncomfortable chairs outside in the waiting room, waiting for someone to tell her that Dr. Schwartz was ready for her. Maybe none of this was real.

It didn’t feel real.

Worse than that, Felicity couldn’t allow it to be real. Accepting that it was real would turn her entire life upside down, and it would kill he if this all proved to be a mistake which it had to be. There was no way that it was different.

“If the tumor is gone,” Felicity said, only now realizing that she must have cut right into Dr. Schwartz and Oliver’s light chattering as they were looking at her with surprise, “why can’t I move my arm yet?”

She looked down on her left hand that was resting in her lap. Her fingers were twitching slightly, but it didn’t count as moving. Felicity couldn’t control it. She couldn’t stop it and she couldn’t force it either.

From the corner of her eye, she could see Oliver looking from her left hand to her right hand that was still wrapped around his fingers tightly and finally to Dr. Schwartz. His face was neutral, not showing any worry about Felicity’s doubts. He seemed to be sure that Dr. Schwartz would offer a logical answer to this too.

“Since you haven’t moved your arm in two months,” Dr. Schwartz explained with soft voice, “the muscles have formed back a little. They are weak. Two months of complete immobility do a lot of damage to the muscles.”

Oliver nodded his head, agreeing with that diagnosis. It was like he wasn’t here as her fiancé and support, but as a second doctor who wanted to confirm Dr. Schwartz’ diagnosis. He looked like he had had that same thought already, but he hadn’t dared to say it out loud.

“Can anything be done?” Oliver asked the only logical question that could follow this explanation. “Is there anything we can do to help Felicity’s muscles to gain mobility again?”

“Of course.” Dr. Schwartz smiled, reached into one of the drawers of her desk and put a flyer on the tabletop in front of them. “Physical therapy will help. This is a great clinic a little out of town. Some of my patients have made great process with the help of the local therapists. I am sure if you call them and make an appointment, they will come up with a training plan and help you with this.”

She talked to Felicity, but her eyes drifted from her to Oliver again and again. He seemed to be listening a lot more closely. He had also let go of Felicity’s hand to grab the flyer and skim it already. He nodded slightly while his eyes were skimming over the information.

“I would like to see you once a week for the next two months, then once a month for half a year and two times a year after that,” Dr. Schwartz continued explaining to Felicity, “because continuous check-ups will help to counteract in case that your condition gets worse again.”

Those words made Oliver’s head snap of. He was no longer reading the flyer. Instead, he was staring at Dr. Schwartz with piercing eyes like he wanted to make sure that he detected a lie if he was told one.

“How is the probability for that?”

“High, I’d say,” Dr. Schwartz said softly like she was talking to a child that she had to inform about Santa’s inexistence, “given that it has already reoccurred. It’s impossible to make any real predictions though. This spontaneously healing shows that no research can explain the human body fully.”

Oliver nodded his head, saying something more. He was talking and talking again, apparently completely hyped by the news they had received here. All that energy that Felicity was lacking right now was visible in even the slightest bat of eyelashes of Oliver.

This time, Dr. Schwartz didn’t chime in though. She was looking at Felicity with wake eyes instead, just watching her. Although her lips were closed, she was saying a lot of things to Felicity. All through her eyes. She could see Felicity’s shock and her inability to process this news. She could see how out of place Felicity felt. She could see that. She understood it. And she felt a deep warmth for her, based on empathy.

Felicity wondered if she had chimed in with Oliver before because talking to him had allowed Felicity to catch her breath and try to process this for herself. She had known that Felicity would need that instead of talking about further treatment or other stuff already.

“Mr. Queen.” Dr. Schwartz said his name quietly, but Oliver fell silent immediately. “I would like to talk to Felicity in private for a minute or two.”

Oliver seemed to be surprised about that request. He looked from the doctor to Felicity and back to the doctor again. For a second, Felicity thought that he would reject the offer, but something in Dr. Schwartz’ face or maybe Felicity’s silence made him nod his head eventually.

“Of course.”

He cleared his throat and got up from the chair, the flyer for that physical therapy still in his hand. He glanced towards the door, but he didn’t turn towards it yet. Instead, he put his free hand to the crown of Felicity’s hair and stroked it down of her ponytail. His fingers played with the tip of it for a moment.

“I’ll be right outside,” he told her and placed a kiss on the crown of her head, “waiting for you.”

Felicity angled her head back and smiled at him. She doubted that it reached her eyes. She was still too unsettled by all of this to believe that it did. She couldn’t even feel the smile.

Apparently, Oliver saw the fakeness of her smile. He put his forefinger against the corner of her mouth and lifted it slightly. That did finally make a real smile spread on her lips although she couldn’t say why. There was just something incredibly sweet about this.

“I’ll be outside in a minute.”

“Take your time,” he told her with a wink, “I’ll wait however long it takes.”

Although Felicity knew that this was related to the private conversation with Dr. Schwartz, she couldn’t help feeling that there was some deeper meaning to it. They had waited for each other in the last years, and they had waited for their time to come. It was there now, they had already taken it with both of their hands and were holding onto it for dear life, but they would still wait for each other if necessary.

That was what it felt like.

He left the room with one last look back. Then he closed the door behind himself quietly, leaving Felicity and Dr. Schwartz alone.

Felicity stared at the closed door for a moment longer, wishing that Oliver could just come back, so he could fill the silence with his questions and happiness. Felicity wasn’t sure if she was ready to talk to Dr. Schwartz without any bumper between them, someone to talk when she couldn’t do it.

Looking at Dr. Schwartz, she could see that her worry was unnecessary. Something in her eyes was calming Felicity down. Maybe it was a secret superpower that you learned when you became a doctor. Only the best of doctors learned it though.

“How are you feeling?” Dr. Schwartz asked. “You look a little out of yourself.”

Felicity shrugged her shoulders, unable to find the right words to say how she was feeling. She doubted that there were even words that could describe it. If there were, she didn’t know them. If she knew, she wouldn’t be able to say them. She was unable to say anything right now.

“I know this is a lot to process,” Dr. Schwartz continued when Felicity didn’t say anything, “probably even more than when I told you that the tumor is back.”

It probably shouldn’t be that way. Learning that you were going to die soon should unsettle you a lot more than the news of being granted another chance at life. She could be up on her feet, dancing and celebrating. She should praise the day and make all kind of plans. Instead, Felicity felt as paralyzed as she had never felt before. Not even the news about her impending death had made her feel anything like that.

Felicity nodded her head, letting Dr. Schwartz know that she was right.

“This is a lot to take in,” Dr. Schwartz repeated, “so it’s natural for you to feel that way. I am sure everyone who was ready to say goodbye to life only to be told that they weren’t going to die would feel like they are falling into empty space.”

_Falling into empty space_. That seemed to be right, Felicity thought. It was a good metaphor for how she felt. She was falling into empty space, nothing around her. She didn’t know if she had jumped because there was danger behind her or because she wanted to get do whatever was down there or maybe just because she just wanted to fall. She also didn’t know where she was falling from or what was waiting for her on the ground. Was it water? A safety net? A trampoline that would lift her back up into the air? Or maybe just cold, hard ground? How far would she fall? How long would it take? Was she going to survive or even come out of this unchanged or would everything be different once her fall had reached an end?

Was there an end to it?

There were a thousand questions in Felicity’s head. She needed answers to all of them, but she knew that she wouldn’t get any. She would have to figure them out herself.

“I guess I will have to find out what all this means for me.”

She said the words slowly, more to herself than to her doctor. Nobody would be able to help her. She could only figure this out by herself. It was her life. She had to find out what she wanted to do with it now that it was a lot longer than she had thought it would be.

“Yes, you have to.” Dr. Schwartz nodded in agreement. “Until you have, I can only congratulate you. You were gifted with another life, a chance only few people ever get. I am sure that you will find a way to use that chance wisely.”

She would use it wisely. Felicity didn’t know how, at least not yet, but she would find a way. It couldn’t be that hard, right?

“The most important part, Felicity,” Dr. Schwartz added after a moment, her voice quieter and more intent now, “is for your to enjoy this though. It doesn’t matter what other people say, whether you make use of this new life you have been given by their measures. You have to enjoy this chance and just be happy.”

As long as it lasted. She didn’t say it, but Felicity could hear the words echoing into the silence. She had to enjoy this chance and just be happy. As long as it lasted.

* * *

“This is the best news we have received since-“ Moira stopped unable to find words.

“Ever,” Robert offered, “the best news we have ever received.

Moira nodded her head firmly, looking back over her shoulder to flash her husband a smile. Half a second later, she stepped towards Oliver. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders, holding him tightly. It was a hug of victory like they had won against an enemy they had shared for a long time. In some way, maybe that was truly what it was.

Oliver hugged his mother just as tightly as she was hugging him. He hoped that his arms wrapped around her was enough to let her know how grateful he was for everything she had done for him and Felicity in the last months. He still grateful now, maybe all the more now actually, as they shared an unbelievable happiness about this news.

As soon as Oliver had stepped out of his mother’s arms, his father stepped forward. Their hug was a lot shorter, but it held the same meaning. Robert was just as happy about this new development as Moira and Oliver were. When it came to Felicity, the member of the Queen Family, as different as they often thought about things, all felt and thought the same. They loved her, and they needed her to live.

“You know, there are a lot of bottles of the best champagne in the fridge,” Robert said, one arm still wrapped around Felicity’s shoulders and one hand patting his son’s chest, “and I know they are meant for the wedding, but I think we should drink one of them now. Or even better, I have a bottle of champagne in the basement, an expensive gift I received years ago, that I think is worth this occasion.”

Without waiting for an answer, his dad already left Oliver’s side. He headed for the stairs down into the basement to get the bottle from the wine cellar. Oliver was almost sure that his father was also seeking for an escape though. He needed a moment of his own, possibly wanting some privacy to make cry some tears of relief that he didn’t want anyone to see. Oliver wouldn’t be surprised about it.

Before Robert disappeared down the stairs, he turned back around though. A frown had built on his forehead, and he was looking at Oliver with slightly narrowed eyes.

“Where is Felicity?”

Oliver shot a glance up the stairs which, he guessed, was answer enough already, but he still explained, “She went right upstairs. I think the appointment and this news shook her a lot more than any of us could possibly understand. I wanted to give her a moment of privacy, but I will check on her now.”

“Yeah, tell her to come downstairs and celebrate with us,” Robert told him, “because I am sure that a glass of champagne is what she needs now too.”

With that, Robert finally disappeared into the basement, almost doing a little dance downstairs. Oliver chuckled, shaking his head. It had been a while since he had seen his father like this the last time. Knowing that Felicity was healed must have given him twenty years of his life back. He seemed a lot younger now.

Oliver himself felt a lot younger too. He hadn’t really understood how much the thought of Felicity dying had really burdened him. He felt like this was the first time in months that he could really stand upright with his spine straightened and his chin up. He didn’t feel like he was carrying a burden that he was barely able to carry. He felt as light as a feather.

“I will go upstairs and ask Felicity if she wants to celebrate with us,” Oliver said, taking a first step to the stairs, “even if I am not sure if she will drink. She gets tipsy so easily since she lost so much weight, so she might want to skip the champagne to have a clear head for tomorrow.”

“Speaking of tomorrow,” his mother said, making him turn back towards her with perked up eyebrows, “is the wedding still happening?”

Oliver frowned, not quite understanding the questions. Why wouldn’t it?

“Of course the wedding will happen tomorrow. Everything is planned and set up.” His frown deepened a little for the break of a second before it was pushed away in favor of an honest and heartfelt smile. “Felicity and I can finally have a life together.”

Only now he really realized it. He had told Dr. Schwartz something about kids and the kids’ weddings in her office. Only now he realized that they could indeed have that. He and Felicity wouldn’t only be married for a couple of days or weeks. They had years of marriage to look forward to. They could make actual plans for their future – vacations, a home, maybe kids.

It wasn’t just Felicity that had gotten a new life today. He had gotten a new one too, one that he could share with her like he had always wanted it to be. _Till death do us part_ wouldn’t happen as soon as they had both assumed so far. It was a distant future that he didn’t have to think about anymore now. It wouldn’t control every step they took.

“The wedding is taking place as planned.”

Oliver repeated those words for himself as well as for his mother, mostly for himself though. Saying those words out loud just made it realer.

Moira lifted her hands. “Alright. I just wanted to make sure.”

“Sure?” Oliver frowned. “What did you want to make sure?”

For a split second, his mother looked insecure about how to answer. She bit down on her bottom lip, something Oliver was almost sure he had never seen her do before. She didn’t feel comfortable or as strong as she usually did in such situations. This was new to her as it was new to all of them.

“To be honest with you,” Moira said with a long sigh, “your dad and I weren’t completely sure if your relationship with Felicity might have been just a part of the wedding idea.”

Oliver frowned so much that he almost believed that it would leave carving-like structures in his skin. They might last forever. At least that was what it felt like.

His mother had been the one who had held him that night he had been crying after Felicity had collapsed. Her seizure had showed him how fragile her life really was. He had cried in his mother’s arms, admitting that he loved Felicity more than you loved a friend. Of course his mother had known it already, her motherly instincts had sensed it long before Oliver had admitted it out loud, so she had encouraged him to go for it.

How could she possibly assume that his relationship with Felicity was just part of ticking off a checkbox on her list?

“I love Felicity,” he said firmly, “and she loves me. I proposed to her because it was her wish, at least partly, but I get married to her because she is the love of my life and I can’t picture spending the rest of my life with anyone but her.”

He was sure that he had sounded quite angry. He was angry. The bare suggestion that what he and Felicity had was only a result of the tumor made him incredibly angry. How couldn’t it make him angry?

His mother just nodded. “I understand.”

With that, Oliver turned around and walked upstairs. He tried to shake the words his mother had just said to him, but that was just so much more easily said than done. No matter how much he loved Felicity and how long they would be together, Oliver feared that maybe their relationship would always seem like something that was just a result of this hard time in the last months.

His mother was one of the closest people he had in his life, and even she doubted his feelings for Felicity in some ways. She knew that he loved Felicity, but she seemed to believe that the depth of his feelings had been quite influenced by Felicity’s sickness. It hadn’t been influenced by that though. He still loved Felicity as much as he had loved her a couple of hours ago when they had been strolling down the streets downtown, hand in hand, thinking that she was going to die soon.

If Felicity’s sickness had influenced anything, it was his knowledge that life was too short to wait. It had taught him to grab for happiness as long as he could because everything else would be irresponsible. Life was too short.

When he turned into the hallway, Oliver noticed that the door to their bedroom had been left ajar. A couple of hours ago, that would have unsettled him a little. A thousand horrible scenarios of what might have happened to Felicity would have crossed his head for no rational reason. Now, Oliver knew that he didn’t have to consider those horror scenarios because Felicity wasn’t sick any longer.

Stepping in front of the door, he pushed it open quietly. He found Felicity sitting on the edge of the mattress at the end of the bed. Her head was lowered, her fair falling into her face. Her gaze was lowered to her hands in her lap. Although he couldn’t see her face, Oliver could see that she was deep in thought. He doubted that she had even heard him coming in.

He didn’t get the chance to watch Felicity like this often, or maybe it just wasn’t often in his mind because it could never be enough. He could spend hours and hours, day after day, just watching her. That was how much he loved her and how much she meant to him.

Back in Dr. Schwartz’ office, Oliver could have wrapped his arms around her and throw her into the air like a kid when they had received the news of her recovery. He had been so happy about it, so energized and so in love with the world that he could have laughed and sung and danced, and he wouldn’t have felt the least bit ashamed of it. He couldn’t have cared less what the world would think about him. Everyone who would judge his laughter, singing and dancing had obviously never experienced a moment of such relief.

Because of how wrapped up he had been in his own joy, he had missed Felicity’s reaction though. She hadn’t been as joyful and excited about the news. She had had trouble processing it. Oliver knew that he should have held her hand and talked to her, tell her that it was all okay and make her understand what Dr. Schwartz had told them. That she was going to live.

Before he had really understood how frozen Felicity had been at the news, he had already been kicked out of the office. He had considered saying that he wasn’t going to leave her side. Felicity had wanted him by her side in that office after all. He had decided to leave Dr. Schwartz and Felicity alone though because he had been sure that Dr. Schwartz was much more likely to find the right words to say to Felicity.

Even on their way back home, Oliver hadn’t been able to find any meaningful words to say. Felicity had still looked like she had just seen a ghost, almost staring blankly while her thoughts must have been going wild. Oliver had filled the silence with meaningless words, unsure what else he could have said.

This had to be incredibly hard on Felicity. He had just been overjoyed at the news because it meant that he finally had a chance at a life with Felicity. She had to process that she had a life to look forward too at all. That was so much more than what Oliver had been given although a little voice in his head told him that life without Felicity wouldn’t have been a life at all.

As much as Oliver was affected by all of this, Felicity was so much more affected. She had escaped death. She hadn’t even tried to do so, but she had done it nonetheless. Some people weren’t that lucky even if they tried all they could to make it happen. It had to be hard to understand and even more difficult to really process.

“Hey.”

He said the word as quietly and as softly as possible. Still, Felicity flinched before she turned her head and looked at Oliver. She put on a smile, but it looked nervous, and it didn’t reach her eyes.

“Hi.”

Her voice was toneless. It sounded empty.

Oliver wondered if that was what she was feeling. Empty. When you were feeling too much, you didn’t want to feel anything. After Thea had died, he had tried to achieve that through excessive drinking and partying. Felicity might be able to just shut out her emotions like that, who knew?

What Oliver did know was that nobody should shut out their emotions, especially not such emotions as these. They would suffocate her eventually, but they shouldn’t do that. There was too much for her to celebrate to feel suffocated.

With some large steps, Oliver crossed the room. He kneeled down in front of Felicity, sitting back on his heels. His hands rested on her knees for a moment before they pushed behind them, his thumbs drawing little circle on her jeans.

Felicity watched the movements of his thumbs briefly before she lifted her gaze towards him. There was a blank expression in her eyes, but it was only on the surface. Underneath that, Oliver could see the turmoil that she didn’t want to let close to her right now. She wasn’t ready to let it all in, but Oliver needed her to feel it.

“How are you feeling?”

Sucking in a deep breath, Felicity opened her lips to say something. No sound came out though. Oliver wasn’t sure if she just didn’t know what to say or if she was indeed physically unable to speak right now. She closed her lips again without having said a single word, just shrugging her shoulders in response.

When Felicity was speechless, it was always a sign. It wasn’t necessarily a bad sign, but it was a sign. For what exactly, Oliver couldn’t tell. Maybe it showed how overwhelmed she really was. Babbling was her usual coping mechanism when she was too overwhelmed, she couldn’t even trust on that.

“I didn’t think this would happen,” she said eventually, her voice hoarse and low, “so I’m confused. Like really confused.”

Oliver nodded his head. Confused. He could understand that.

“It’s shocking,” she added after a moment, “horrifying in some ways.”

Again, Oliver nodded his head. This time, a little frown built between his eyebrows though. He thought that he knew what Felicity meant when she said that it was horrifying, but that word bothered him nonetheless. It didn’t leave much room for positive thoughts.

“It’s a good thing, though,” Oliver said gently, “a really good thing.”

Felicity nodded her head. It was a slow nod that showed how deep in thought she was at first. The longer she continued nodding, the firmer her nodding became though. Focus and life came back to her eyes as she let the words sink in. The reality of what Dr. Schwartz had told them seemed to finally hit her, and so did the consequences of what all of this meant.

She had a life ahead of her.

“There is so much I can do now.”

Oliver smiled. The only thing that could make him happier than knowing that Felicity was going to live was watching her accepting this too. After she had looked and behaved like a ghost for the last hours, seeing her like this just made his heart beat twice as quickly as it usually did. He was excited and all the more in love with Felicity.

“You can do whatever the hell you want,” Oliver confirmed, squeezing her knees, “you can make an all new list with a hundred new wishes to fulfill for yourself.”

“I can travel the world,” Felicity said, her eyes finding his, “or learn new languages or get a new hobby.”

Oliver nodded his head. “You can do all that and more.”

Felicity’s right hand grabbed his left hand on her knee. She didn’t say a word, but her eyes gave Oliver a good idea what other plans she was looking forward to. She was planning a life right now, well, or at least little snippets of that life. All the things that she thought she had missed out on were a possibility again now.

Oliver himself had a hundred ideas of things they could do in their future. He would prioritize every single one of Felicity’s plans though. Even if she had a thousand plans, even the smallest and most ridiculous ones, he would want to implement every single one with her.

“We will get married tomorrow,” Oliver said with soft voice, “and then we will make the plans. We make a list with everything we want to do and make that our life plan. We check off one item on the list every week or every other week. I am sure that you want to go back to work although you don’t have to. If you’d rather travel the world, we can use all my money to do so. What’s mine is yours, quite literally starting tomorrow when we become husband and wife.”

There was a lot of money on his bank account, waiting to be spend on something. So far, he had used that money for a little entertaining as well as for his clubs. Most of the money was still untouched though because Oliver had just felt that it wasn’t right to use the money he had received after several birthdays as well as the deaths of his grandparents for meaningless things. He had wanted to use it for something big, something that was really worth it.

His life with Felicity was worth it. It was worth everything. He’d give his last penny to know that he had made her happy for at least a second.

“But that’s it, Oliver,” she told him, tightening her grip on his hand, “you don’t have to get married to me any longer.”

Her words felt like a punch in the face. The words came just as sudden, lasted just as long. They hurt quite some more though. Oliver felt his smile freezing, turning into some kind of charade. His mouth went dry. His heart was hammering in his chest.

If this was one of those comedy shows, he was sure that his feelings would be shown by a thousand balloons bursting all around him. At first, they burst one by one, then all at once. It was one loud noise all around him, making him feel disorientated and almost like he was being shot at.

He was under attack. That was what it felt like.

Oliver cleared his throat again, trying to find his voice again. “What?”

It was just a word, just one syllable, but Oliver could hear the shock there nonetheless. His voice was hoarse and toneless. He didn’t sound like himself at all.

As little as Oliver felt like himself right now, Felicity didn’t seem to notice it. Maybe her joy blinded her now just as much as his joy had blinded him before in Dr. Schwartz office. She didn’t notice what he was thinking and feeling, or, if she did, she didn’t know what to do about it.

Felicity put her hand to his cheek, caressing it gently. The expression in her eyes was soft like she was giving him good news right now. Everything about the way she acted was opposite of what her mouth was telling him.

“You are off the hook.” Still that gentle voice that you usually only used to talk to babies or puppies. “We are both free to do whatever the hell we want to do. No more wish list. No more making the best use of the time I have left. No more feeling pressured to do things because we don’t know if there is time left for that.”

Oliver’s frown deepened all the more. The way Felicity was saying all of this made it sound like she was actually doing him a favor here. That wasn’t true though. She wasn’t letting him off the hook. She was letting herself off the hook.

“Do you understand?” Felicity asked when he didn’t reply, her fingernails scratching through his stubble playfully. “You don’t have to get married to me because it was a wish and you were pitying me.”

“I am not getting married to you because I am pitying you.”

Now he sounded more like himself, Oliver realized. He slowly overcame the shock of whatever Felicity was trying to say and do here. He was finding back to himself, back to the man that wanted to get married to Felicity and that wouldn’t let go of her easily.

“I decided to propose to you because, I admit, Ray didn’t want to play the role. From the moment that I have made this decision, this was real for me though. It was never out of pity. Maybe it was a little bit as a gift because you were dying, but it was also a gift to myself because it was what I really wanted. It still is what I really want. I don’t want to be let off the hook.”

His words seemed to surprise Felicity. Her fingers had stilled against his cheek while she was looking at him with slightly widened eyes. Her bottom lip was trembling slightly, and she quickly buried her front teeth into it to stop it from doing so. With held breath, she lowered her hand and pushed it between both of her thighs.

Feeling that she needed room and realizing that he might need some room too, Oliver got up. He turned his back towards Felicity, rubbing his hands over his face. He felt incredibly tired all of a sudden, tired and exhausted. It was like the weight he had felt lifting off his shoulders at the good news a couple of hours ago, was suddenly dropped right back onto him. He had trouble keeping his balance at the burden, feeling like he was losing his rhythm in everything.

Stepping towards the window, Oliver turned back around to Felicity. She was still sitting there without having moved. Both of her hands rested between her thighs. Her shoulders were hunched. Her head was lowered slightly, but her eyes were completely focused on him.

Holding onto the window sill, Oliver leaned back against it and just looked at Felicity. He felt stupid because it had never occurred to him that her recovery would change things for Felicity. It certainly hadn’t changed anything for him. He still wanted to get married to her more than anything.

“Do you want to be left off the hook, Felicity?”

Felicity just looked at him, her face unreadable. He hated that he couldn’t guess what she was thinking. Since they had become friends, they had often been very much in tune with each other. They had known what the other was thinking and feeling. When it came to their feelings for each other, they both seemed to be a little blinded though.

Oliver couldn’t bear looking at her any longer. His heart felt heavy as it was. Seeing Felicity as she was just sitting there and staring back at him only made that feeling worse. He wanted her to jump up from the bed, hug him tightly and tell him that she didn’t mean it. He wanted her to tell him that she didn’t want to be left off the hook. That she wanted to be his wife.

But she didn’t.

“If you don’t want to get married to me, you should tell me right now,” Oliver said, his voice pressed and his head still lowered, “because there is a wedding planned for tomorrow that needs to be canceled if you have changed your mind.”

Still, she didn’t say a word. He counted to ten in his head, then to twenty. Felicity remained silent.

Biting down on his tongue so hard that he could taste blood, Oliver lifted his head. He looked at Felicity. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she had just vanished. He couldn’t hear her breathing or any other sound. She could have just disappeared. Instead, he found her still sitting there the exact way she had done when he had last checked. She hadn’t moved the tiniest bit.

Tears were welling in her eyes. In the light that came in from the windows her eyes glinted a little from the tears. She looked heartbreakingly beautiful or beautifully heartbroken. Either way, she was beautiful although she looked anything but happy.

At any other time, Oliver would have probably sat down next to her with a sigh. He would have wrapped his arm around her shoulders and let her cry. He would have rocked her back and forth in his arms, trying to hush her. He would have comforted her and told her that everything was going to be okay because they were going to find a way.

Not today. He just couldn’t.

The last weeks had cost him a lot of energy. Since Alaska, he had finally felt like he was living again. He had enjoyed the oxygen and his heartbeat. He had enjoyed life. Being with Felicity had shown him how great his life was, and he had lost himself in that wonderful feeling although he had known that it had had a quick expiration date. Having a reckless tumor take the woman he loved from him was just very different from the woman he loved making a decision not to spend her life with him.

The latter hurt even more. At least in this moment it felt like it.

“Do you want me to call off the wedding, Felicity?”

His voice was sharp and angry. In the back of his mind, Oliver knew that it wasn’t exactly fair. Felicity’s entire life had been turned upside down today. She had the right to take her time and reevaluate the decisions she had made in the last weeks. He just couldn’t feel sorry for her right now. He was too hurt.

“I don’t know.”

Felicity’s voice was lowered to a whisper, a whisper so quiet that Oliver could barely hear it. That the last syllable ended in a sob that Felicity did her best to bite back only made it worse.

“I don’t know anything anymore.”

She didn’t know anything anymore. The words echoed in Oliver’s head, and he became painfully aware of all the different meanings of this.

_I don’t know if I still want to get married to you._

_I don’t know if I want to be with you._

_I don’t know if I still love you._

_I don’t know if I have ever loved you._

_I don’t know anything anymore._

That was it, right? That was what _I don’t know anything anymore_ meant.

Since they had come back from Alaska, Oliver had believed that this wedding was going to be a real one. He had thought that they were getting married because they loved each other and they wanted to spend their lives together – however short or long they might be. Obviously, he had been the only one thinking that way.

Felicity was still crying. Her shoulders were shaking slightly from the sobs she was doing her best to bite back. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and dropped from the tip of her nose or her chin down onto her hands in her lap.

When their eyes met, her entire body started shaking for a moment. There was helplessness in her eyes, maybe some guilt and even a little bit of fear too. She looked like she was drowning and needed someone to pull her out of the water, but Oliver couldn’t do it. He had been holding out his hand for her all this time, and-

Oliver shook his head. It wouldn’t have any use to think about it. No metaphor could explain what was happening here, how he felt and how he feared Felicity felt.

Felicity didn’t know what she wanted, and Oliver was sure that she wouldn’t figure it out in the next two minutes. The longer he would stand here and stare at her, the harder it would be for her to figure out what she really wanted. She needed to figure this out alone. Only that was going to allow her to figure out what she was really thinking and feeling.

There was a little voice in Oliver’s head that told him he was stupid to let Felicity figure out what she really wanted. If this situation told him anything, it was that she didn’t want him the way that he wanted her. Giving her room was probably going to lead her to the same conclusion. He was going to lose her. If he stayed here and talked to her, he might be able to wipe away her doubts though.

As quickly as that thought had come, as quickly Oliver pushed it away again. He didn’t want Felicity to agree to this marriage because he urged her too. He wanted her decision to come from the heart. He wanted it to be honest because it was the only way that their marriage could be what Oliver wanted it to be – a true bond of two people that loved each other.

“There is a wedding planned for tomorrow,” Oliver repeated the words that he had said a while ago already, “so you have to figure out what you want.”

He sucked in a deep breath and lifted his gaze towards her. Felicity’s eyes were still directed at him. She looked at him through tears in her eyes, still crying for herself quietly. He didn’t know why, but seeing her suddenly made the anger that he was trying so hard to avoid come to the surface. He couldn’t swallow it down like a bitter bite of food. It was there on his tongue, and all he could was spitting it out.

“I’d be grateful if you didn’t wait until the last second to tell me what you are thinking. I don’t want to be the idiot that’s standing at the altar, waiting for you, when you are already on a plane to Bali.”

His words seemed to hit its target quite well. Felicity flinched although he wasn’t sure if it was really because of what he said or more because of how he said it or how he looked at her. Oliver didn’t know, and he didn’t care enough to find out.

Oliver took in another deep breath, about to say something more. Then he realized that there was nothing left to say. Unless Felicity had made her decision, there really wasn’t anything he could say or do.

He shot her one last look before he walked to the door. He felt the need to shut the door with a bang, but he didn’t do it. Instead, he closed the door quietly before he leaned back against it, squeezing his eyes shut. It did help to blind out his direct environment, but it only made him hear Felicity’s cries all the louder.

The noble thing, Oliver thought to himself, was to go back inside and tell her that they were going to find a way. They would work this out together. No matter what her decision was going to be, they weren’t going to lose each other. They would always be friends.

Oliver just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t do the noble thing. Not now.

So he sucked in another deep breath, closed his eyes for a moment to gather his strength and walked away.


	14. Acceptance

“I shouldn’t have left.”

He emphasized his words with a particularly firm punch against the punching pad. If it had been anyone other than John holding it, Oliver was almost sure that the punch would have made that person stumble back a step or two. Since John was without any doubt stronger than Oliver, he showed the same reaction that he would have shown if a fly had bumped against the punching pad. He didn’t move away an inch.

Since Oliver had left their bedroom approximately fifteen hours and twenty minutes ago, he had thought everything through over and over again. He had thought about what had happened, what had been said and what had been left unsaid. He had also thought about what had happened between him and Felicity in the past weeks, and he had thought about everything that had happened between him and Felicity yesterday. Yesterday when it had all gone from heaven to hell.

He always came to the same conclusion. He had gotten a little taste of heaven, thinking that he and Felicity could be married for fifty years with kids, a dog and a garden with a white fence around. They would have a large front porch with a canopy swing or rocking chairs. In his head, he had already seen the details of what their life together could be like – everything arguable of course if Felicity had other ideas. 

Heaven hadn’t lasted long enough though. The small taste of it that he had gotten had been taken away by a full bite of hell when Felicity had told him that they didn’t have to get married or she didn’t know if she wouldn’t rather want the wedding to be canceled.

Whenever he thought about that rollercoaster his emotions had been going through, he wondered what it must have been like for Felicity. He knew that the up and down of emotions he had felt must have been nothing compared to what Felicity had been going through.

That was why he shouldn’t have left or why he should have gone back at least.

He had left their bedroom, knowing that there had been nothing left for him to do or say to her. He had stepped outside, leaning back against the door with closed eyes, so he could catch his breath. He had needed to catch his breath after everything he had heard and said in that bedroom before. 

His heart had been breaking because he had felt all his dreams that he had chased for a long time until he had finally been able to clutch them to his chest slipping through his fingers. He had had everything, and he had been about to lose it.

So he had left. He had gone down the hallway, strolling through the upper floor for a while until he had found himself in the gym, walking from one corner of the room to the other. He had used some pieces of the equipment, just trying to do something. His parents had known better than to look for him although Oliver wasn’t sure if they had sensed that he and Felicity had gotten into a fight or if they had assumed that Oliver and Felicity had wanted to celebrate in privacy. 

Either way, since nobody had been looking for him, he had fallen asleep on the training mats eventually. That was where John had found him an hour ago. Then they had started training because John had just known that something must have been wrong. Apparently, it wasn’t normal for the groom to sleep on the floor in the night before the wedding. John had asked him what was wrong, and Oliver had told him everything that had happened yesterday, starting with the events at the gazebo.

“Then why did you leave?” John asked. “Or why didn’t you go back inside?”

Whenever John said something, it sounded so easy. One might think that Oliver could have just turned around, went back into that bedroom and wrap his arms around Felicity to comfort her. Standing there in front of the bedroom and hearing her cry, he had considered doing so, but he hadn’t seen a way that was possible. He still didn’t see a way for it now.

Oliver had made the right decision when he had left. As sorry as he had felt for her, knowing how lost she had been with everything that had happened that day, he had been too helpless to be her anchor. He had been struggling just as much as Felicity had, so he couldn’t have been there for her and comfort her. If he had gone back inside, they would have turned in circles, and that might have made everything worse.

“What could I have said, John?” Oliver asked, finally lowering his hands. “What could I have possibly said that would have made a difference?”

“You could have told her that you love her.”

“She knows that.”

“That you still want to get married to her.”

“She knows that.”

“That there is nobody else for you but her and that you will love her no matter what she decides to do.”

“She knows that.”

“Does she?”

Oliver released a long breath that almost sounded like a dramatic sigh. Although he didn’t say a word, he knew that John could hear the question that was resonating in his sigh. They had been friends for so long that sometimes there were no words needed. It should be like that in every good friendship.

John had a habit of trying to tickle some things out of Oliver, confessions or at least some kind of reactions. He would ask some short, slightly provocative questions or even just shoot him certain looks. John would have made a good therapist because his piercing nature would tickle out the deepest secrets of any patient. You could barely defend yourself against it. You just had to tell John the truth.

Although John understood the wordless _What the hell is that supposed to mean?,_ he didn’t say a word. It was another thing that was just in his nature. He stayed quiet when others would talk, always giving Oliver the chance to find out things for himself first. Sometimes Oliver appreciated that attitude, other times he hated it.

“She does know all of that,” Oliver said firmly, “she does.”

John perked up his eyebrows and crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Did you tell her?”

“Yes, of course.” Oliver’s answer came too quick. He could hear it himself. “I mean I did say that…”

He thought about it, trying to remember what exactly it had been that he had said to her. He had let his emotions get the best of him though, and he couldn’t remember what exactly he had said to Felicity. He knew that he loved her. He knew that he still wanted to get married to her. He knew that, even if she didn’t want to get married to him, he would be hurt but still very much in love with her. But had he said any of that?

_I’d be grateful if you didn’t wait until the last second to tell me what you are thinking. I don’t want to be the idiot that’s standing at the altar, waiting for you, when you are already on a plane to Bali._

He remembered saying those words. They had echoed in his head all through the night. And the way Felicity had looked at him after that had haunted him too. Even in his dreams, he hadn’t been able to escape those memories.

“I don’t remember what I said or didn’t say.”

Oliver took a couple of steps back. He opened the hook and loop fasteners of his boxing gloves with his teeth and pulled them from his hands. Usually, he would have just dropped them to the floor, but he needed an excuse not to look at John. That was why he put the gloves away into the closet they belonged to. 

Even before he turned around, he knew that John was still staring at him. When Oliver did turn around, he found that his feeling hadn’t betrayed him. John was still standing where Oliver had left him a couple of seconds ago, just looking at him.

Although John’s eyes were as piercing as they had been before, Oliver didn’t say a word this time. John could be stubborn, but so did Oliver. He just stared back at him, waiting for John to say something although he felt like a five-year-old that was trying to win a contest of who blinked last or, worse, played the If-you-don’t-say-anything-I-won’t-say-anything-game. 

John glanced at his watch. “The wedding starts in eight hours. Don’t you think you should talk to her? Could get a little awkward if you are the one lifting your hand at the question whether there are any wedding objections.”

“I am not even sure that we get to that part.”

Oliver felt incredibly tired all of a sudden. He rubbed his hands over his face, but it helped nothing to wake up his cells. He only felt more tired and even more exhausted. 

“So what?” John asked. “You are not going to talk to Felicity and just wait and see what happens? Either she shows up or she doesn’t?”

Although Oliver doubted that it would come that far, he felt his heart aching in his chest. The thought of standing there like an idiot bothered him, not so much because people would see that he was an idiot – they probably knew that already – but because it would be such a cliché for things to end like that. Nothing about his bond with Felicity had ever been a cliché, so that shouldn’t change now.

He had asked Felicity – or maybe demanded from her – to tell him ahead of time if the wedding was taking place or not. She would do that. They might not be on the same page when it came to the wedding, but they respected each other too much to do something like that. Oliver counted on that.

“Who knows?” Oliver shrugged his shoulders, but he had to clear his throat at the thought of what he was going to say next. “Maybe she has canceled the wedding already.”

He didn’t know because he hadn’t left the gym for hours. The bare idea of going downstairs and asking his parents or anyone else if Felicity had said anything about the wedding made his stomach twist that painfully that, for a second, he thought that he would have to vomit.

“Maybe you can go downstairs and ask if Felicity has said anything,” Oliver suggested quietly, “and if she didn’t, I will go to her and ask what we are supposed to do now and-“

“I don’t think that will be necessary.”

Oliver frowned, wordlessly asking what was going on. John just nodded his chin to something behind Oliver, making him turn around.

And there she was. 

Felicity was wearing colorful tights and a dark green hoodie, his hoodie to be exact. She had taken a shower. Her hair was still wet and was now clutching to both sides of her face. She hadn’t bothered to remove the make-up yesterday before she had hopped under the shower. Her mascara was smeared all over her face, drawing particularly dark shadows under her eyes. If the glassy expression in her eyes was any indication, she hadn’t caught much sleep last night either.

Unable to move, Oliver just stayed where he was and continued to stare at Felicity. He felt his heart beating against his ribs like a superball that was thrown against a wall. These next minutes were going to decide whether he and Felicity were getting married today or not. As much as Oliver needed to know the answer, he wasn’t sure that he was ready to hear it.

Oliver’s hand fell onto Felicity’s left hand. She was massaging it with the thumb of her right hand. She was either still getting used to be having her sensation back there or trying to activate her muscles. All Oliver could think about was the fact that she was still wearing her engagement ring though he wasn’t exactly if that was a sign or if she had just forgotten to take it off.

“I already heard the good news, Felicity.” 

With that, John broke the silence that had spread in the gym and stepped towards Felicity. He put his hands to her shoulders. Although Felicity wasn’t sick anymore, his prank-like hands looked like they would make Felicity break down just from their weight. Felicity continued to stand straight though. 

“Congratulations. I couldn’t be happier.”

Felicity smiled although it didn’t quite reach her eyes. “Thank you, John.”

John wrapped his trunk-like arms around Felicity’s body. She leaned against him, letting him hold her. Her gaze met Oliver’s though, and he could see that she was already thinking about what she had to tell him now. 

She was going to tell him that she wasn’t ready to get married. He could feel it already. He knew that this little dream he had been living in for a couple of hours was going to be a dream in his head for a long time. Maybe forever.

Unable to face that yet, Oliver turned away and lowered his gaze. He focused on his hands, looking at them like he had just now discovered that he owned a pair of those. In his back, he could hear Felicity and John whispering some words, but he didn’t listen. Then the door closed, and he knew that he and Felicity had been left alone.

Again, silence spread. Oliver still had his back turned to Felicity. He knew that he had to face her eventually, but he just wasn’t ready to hear the words that he knew were going to come or say the words that he knew he had to say. So he stayed where he was.

When Felicity cleared her throat and took in a deep breath to say something, Oliver turned around quickly though.

“I came here to-“ Felicity said at the same time that Oliver hurried to say, “Look, what I said yesterday-“

They both stopped as they had spoken at the same time. They looked at each other. Usually, they would have chuckled, amused that they had the instinct of talking at the same time, but neither of them felt any kind of amusement at this occasion. Not today. Not after everything that had happened yesterday.

Oliver could see that Felicity was already straightening her shoulders to say something first, looking at him determinedly. She really wanted to get this off her chest.

“Can I go first please?” Oliver asked before Felicity could say anything though. He wasn’t sure if it was fair, but he wanted to do so. “I’d really like to go first.”

Felicity didn’t seem exactly happy about it. She pushed her right hand into the pocket of the hoodie and formed it to a fist in there. With her bottom lip caught between her front teeth, she looked at him for a long moment. Eventually, she shrugged her shoulders though. With a nod of her head, she gave in.

Oliver flashed her a brief smile. His fingers were moving against his thumb nervously, his little nervous tick. Felicity’s eyes glanced in that direction, proving that it didn’t go unnoticed by her. She always noticed such things.

“I wanted to talk about the things that I said to you yesterday.” He said the words quickly, almost a little bit too quickly. He had to take in a deep breath to fight against the feeling of short-windedness. “Because I have been unfair and impatient and a hundred other things that I want to apologize for now.”

Felicity shook her head. “You don’t have to-“

“Yes, I do.” 

Oliver stepped closer to her, close enough to take her left hand and hold it between both of his. He looked at her intently now because he wanted her to look in his eyes and see that he meant every single word that he was saying.

“I do,” he repeated eventually, “because I have been unfair and impatient and all these other things, and you didn’t deserve that. You lived the last months of your life thinking that you didn’t have much time left. Knowing that you are cancer-free must have been shocking and also made you realize that you have made some decisions that you wouldn’t have made if it hadn’t been for the tumor. Your sickness drove you to make these decisions.”

Only now that he was saying it out loud, Oliver started to really understand. He had been thinking about what she had been going though before, but he had never really got it like this. Not until now.

It hit him how terribly he had reacted yesterday. He had only thought about himself. He hadn’t thought about what Felicity was going through, not enough.

“What I am trying to say,” he added eventually, deciding that now was not the time to give a long speech, “is that you have every right to feel the way that you feel. You have a long life ahead of yours, so big decisions should be made one by one and without any hurry.”

A little frown built between her eyebrows now. She pressed her lips together slightly. She looked like she was trying hard to bite back some words that were already on her tongue. She stayed quiet though, waiting for him to finish.

“I love you, Felicity,” he said as solemnly as if he was saying his wedding vow, “and nothing will ever change that. Nothing matters except that I love you. Nothing. I don’t need to get married. I just… I just want to be with you if that is what you want too.”

Felicity was looking at him with tears in her eyes. Her bottom lip was trembling slightly as she was holding back a sob. She succeeded, but a tear rolled down her cheek nonetheless. She wiped it away before Oliver had a chance to do so for her.

“Really?”

“Really.” Oliver nodded, listing her hand to his lips and kissing the palm. “And that is what I should have said yesterday already.”

He placed another kiss to the lifeline of Felicity’s hand – had it always been this long or did it just seem longer now that he knew her life was going to last longer than they had thought – before he let go of her fingers and cupped Felicity’s face in his hands. His thumbs stroked over her cheeks before he leaned in to touch her lips with his.

He could already feel her breath against his chin, her lips almost touching his, when Felicity lifted her hand to his cheek. For a second, he thought that she was going to pull him in, unwilling or unable to wait any longer. Instead, Felicity moved her fingers from his cheek to his lips, stopping them before they could touch hers. 

Frowning, Oliver pulled back a little. He felt his heart breaking a little, afraid that his love alone was not going to be enough. There were always two hearts in love needed for a good relationship.

_I don’t know anything anymore._

What if she didn’t love him? What if her tumor had made her believe it? What if-?

Oliver bit down on his tongue like it could silence the voice in his head. It didn’t really help with it, but it was a good feeling nonetheless. He needed that little bit of pain.

“I need to get this off my chest first,” Felicity whispered, her fingers stroking over his bottom lip tenderly, while a slightly longing expression spread in her eyes, “before my heart it breaking all of my ribs.”

Oliver wasn’t a hundred percent sure what to do with that, but he nodded his head. Felicity had let him talk first. Now it was his turn to listen to what she wanted to tell him.

“I am sorry for yesterday, too,” she said, almost taking Oliver a little bit by surprise, “but I was just so overwhelmed and so paralyzed and so _confused_ by everything that-“

She tried to find the right words, but she didn’t find any. She looked at him through the tears in her eyes, taking in a sniffling breath. Another tear escaped the corner of her eye. This time, Oliver’s fingers were there to brush it away. 

“Last night, I lay in bed and thought about all the things that I want to do in life,” she continued eventually, “and a thousand things came to my mind.”

Oliver smiled softly. She was making plans. That was good after all the time she had joked about her death. He was happy for her because, even if she broke his heart, he wanted her to be happy more than he wanted anything else.

“What I really realized wasn’t that there are still a thousand things I want to do in life though,” Felicity said with a whisper, “but that I want to do all these things with you. When I envisioned all the things I want to do and travels I want to plan, you were always in that picture with me. You were the one holding me, the one making me love, the one just being there with me and making the picture complete.”

This was good, right? Oliver’s mind was racing, but he couldn’t really find a way how this was going to end in a break-up if they still were together after last night. Or did she just want to be his friend? Was that what she was trying to say? She wanted to be friends, but not more?

He had stopped breathing now, focusing completely on the words that were falling from Felicity’s lips.

“My dream isn’t even about doing these thousand things. It’s about doing these things with you. It’s about exploring the world with you and finding out more about myself. With you. It’s… it’s about being with you.”

_With you._ The words were like music in Oliver’s ears. He could almost hear a choir singing these words in celebration. Felicity wanted him at her side, whatever her plans were next. 

Could he possibly be happier?

“I’m sorry for yesterday, and I understand if you can’t forgive me yet. I will do my best to make it up to you and-“

“There is nothing to forgive, and if there were, I would have forgiven you already.”

Oliver tightened his arms around Felicity, about to lean in and finally kiss her. She put her hand to his shoulder and gently pushed him away though.

“I’m not finished.”

His lips were burning with the need to kiss her, his heart aching for it too. He had trouble biting back a groan at the thought of still not being able to kiss her. Whatever else she had to say, it had to be pale against everything else. He was sure that it could wait now that they had all the time in the world for it, but Felicity was so determined that he didn’t want to mess with her. 

An almost nervous smile spread on Felicity’s lips that made Oliver frown slightly. He watched her stepping out of his arms, much to his displeasure, and take in a deep breath that straightened her spine and strengthened her shoulders. Then, much to Oliver’s surprise, Felicity went down on one knee and pulled a little velvet box out of the pocket of her hoodie.

“Felicity, what-“

“Pssst,” she hushed, him shooting him a strict glance, “I told you I wasn’t finished yet.”

Oliver was almost a little embarrassed to admit that his heart was racing in his chest now and his mouth had gone dry. Who would have thought that you felt the same way when you were proposed to as you felt when you were the one proposing?

“Oliver Jonas Queen,” Felicity said, the nervousness still audible in her voice, when she opened the little velvet box to reveal the wedding bands they had picked, “I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my not-as-short-as-assumed life with you. So, will you please get married to me?”

Oliver chuckled softly which was a displacement activity more than anything else. He wasn’t laughing about this proposal – how could he? It was heartfelt and honest. Felicity was pouring her heart out to him. He just knew that if he didn’t chuckle, he would start crying, and maybe that would be a little much on top of everything that had happened in the last twenty-four hours.

“Yes.” Oliver’s voice was firm because there was no doubt for him. “I do.”

“Yeah?”

“Are you kidding?” 

Laughing out loud now, Oliver grabbed Felicity by her upper arms and lifted her into his arms as if she didn’t weigh anything. His lips pressed onto her in a first gentle, but soon passionate kiss. His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her as close against him as possible. He could feel her heartbeat against his ribs. Their lips moved together urgently, finally reunited. Just like their hearts. 

“There is one little catch.”

Felicity got the words out between two kisses. Oliver wanted to say that he didn’t care and just keep kissing her. His lungs were burning with the need for some oxygen though. Pulling back a little, he perked up his eyebrows. 

“A catch?” He stole another kiss from her lips, his hands moving over her wet hair, before he pulled an inch away, just enough to look her in the eyes and ask, “Is that the part where you tell me that I have to have sex with you first? Is it time for me to sell my body to get what I want?”

Felicity laughed full-heartedly, throwing her head back and closing her eyes. Her laughter seemed to pour out and just fill his heart and his entire body. He was sure that, as long as he was allowed to hear her laugh like that, he could never miss anything else in life.

“No,” she said eventually, her hand moving through his hair, “although I will definitely bend you to my will once we are married.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

And he would love it, but he kept that to himself and bumped his nose against Felicity’s playfully. “So, what other catch is there?”

“Well, we would have to get married in a couple of hours.”

Oliver grinned, but he continued to play along. He was too happy to let go of Felicity and get into the wedding trouble yet. He wanted to stay here and just be ridiculous and lighthearted with her for a little longer.

“You planned a whole wedding without knowing if I was going to say yes?”

“I had a good feeling.”

“What would you have done if I had said no?”

“Well, I would have sent you to tell the wedding guests of course.”

Oliver chuckled and leaned his forehead against Felicity’s. “I guess it was a good thing for both of us that I said yes then.”

Felicity smiled. “Most definitely.”

With that, their lips were back on each other’s. God, it had been barely some hours that they had been fighting, but Oliver already counted those to some of the worst of his life which meant a lot given what he had already been through in his life. Still, it was true. Fighting with Felicity was just terrible.

Making up on the other hand was quite nice, he thought to himself and tightened his arms around Felicity’s waist once more. Making up was something he could get used to if only they didn’t have to fight before.

When he broke the kiss this time, he angled his head a little more back. His arms tightened around Felicity’s waist once more, so her body kept pressed close to his with the tips of her toes dangling a little over the floor. He looked at her intently which didn’t go unnoticed by Felicity judging from the way she brushed her fingertips through his stubble and frowned at him slightly.

“I need you to promise me something,” he whispered, “please.”

Felicity nodded her head without hesitation. “Anything.”

Oliver sucked in a deep breath and felt the tight fist that was clutching onto his heart again now tightening a little more. His heart just ached a little.

“Don’t run away from me again.”

He wasn’t talking about her tumor. She knew that he would put her into an impossible situation if he asked her not to get sick anymore. She didn’t have an influence on that after all.

What Oliver was talking about were the many times that she had walked away from him lately. She had wanted to cancel their friendship because she had felt the need to protect him from his own feelings. Then she had almost walked out yesterday. When Felicity was scared, she was running. That was okay. He knew that everyone needed that escape sometimes, but he hoped that from now on, they would be running together. 

Felicity nodded her head, her emotions raw in her eyes. “I promise.”

Oliver didn’t need more because he knew that Felicity meant it. If she was scared and felt like she needed to run, she was going to take his hand and just make him run with her. And Oliver knew he would drop everything at anytime and do exactly that. 

They sealed their promise with another slow kiss. 

* * *

Letting out a slightly trembling breath, Felicity stroked her hands down the fabric of her dress. Thanks to the alterations that the tailor had managed to do overnight after the last fitting had showed that the dress was still a little too large at some spots, it snuggled around her body perfectly now. There wasn’t an inch too much or too less of the soft fabric. Everything seam was exactly where it was supposed to be.

Grabbing the skirt of her skirt at two spots, she spread the fabric a little. She turned her hips from right to left in soft movements, almost like she was dancing. The skirt was still falling as beautiful as it had during the first time that she had worn it. That had been the very moment that she had fallen in love with this dress. She loved the way it moved with her.

The dress was unpretentious which had been one of the most important conditions when she had started looking for a dress. The white fabric – like said before, Felicity really couldn’t remember its name – looked soft and yet noble. The top and skirt were connected through a belt made of the same fabric which accentuated her waist quite nicely. The only decoration was a little embroidered lace at the hem of the sleeves that reached down to her elbows. The same lace was used at the back neckline. While the neckline on the front was without decoration and formed a boat neckline that ended right under her collarbones, the back neckline reached down to the small of her back in a long V. The selvage was decorated with the same lace as her sleeves.

This was better than any dream, Felicity thought to herself and had to hold her stomach where a thousand butterflies were fluttering around nervously. They knew that their time had come today. After all their little wing beats, hoping to be fed a little, today was their day. They would party as much as the wedding party would.

Looking at herself now, she couldn’t believe that not even a day ago, she had had doubts about her wedding to Oliver. She had been so stupid. She never should have doubted her feelings for him. Of course she knew where it had come from. The sudden perspective to have a much longer life had scared and confused her. It had all seemed so unreal.

And that was exactly why she had realized that Oliver was the right man for her and why she shouldn’t hesitate getting married to him. In this world that had been so unreal lately, he was the only really real thing, her love the only thing she had ever been absolutely convinced of. He was everything to her, and she couldn’t wait to be his wife. 

And the sex. She couldn’t wait to have sex with this man because, God knew, she had wanted to have sex with him for three years, maybe longer. It had been easier to not think about sex too much before she and Oliver had become a couple. Feeling his body pressed against hers during hot kisses had made it incredibly difficult to not think about it though. And after their kiss had surpassed everything she could have envisioned, the sex would be phenomenal. She could feel it already, and she longed for it so much. So, they would have sex soon.

At the low knock at the door, Felicity almost flinched. Was it time already? She felt her heartbeat picking up in pace once more.

“Come in.”

The door opened and Robert stuck his head inside. He took a quick look around until he found her. Obviously relieved that he found her all dressed, he stepped in and closed the door behind him.

“You look beautiful.”

Felicity smiled nervously, sucking in a deep breath. “Thank you.”

Chuckling, Robert came closer and put his hands to her shoulders. He looked at her intently, his warm eyes all focused on hers. There was a little glint in his eyes, and for a second Felicity feared that he would ask her what had happened yesterday and this morning. Although nobody was talking about it, Felicity knew that everyone had felt the tensions between her and Oliver. She had seen it in the way everyone had looked at her all day until she and Oliver had gone downstairs to say they were ready to get ready for the wedding.

“I am very happy that you are officially becoming my daughter today.”

“Daughter-in-law,” Felicity whispered. 

Robert shook his head, his eyes filling with tears slightly. He didn’t have to say it for Felicity to know that he was thinking about Thea. He would never be allowed to lead her down the aisle. He wouldn’t be there for her wedding day because her wedding had been taken from her because she could have decided if that was anything she wanted for her life.

“And I am even happier that I get to be the one to lead you down the aisle.”

Felicity smiled, tears welling in her eyes now too. It meant a lot coming from him, not just because he had lost his own daughter but because of how close she and Robert were and because of how long she had admired this man.

“I am happy that you are doing this for me.”

Robert seemed to struggle in what to do for a moment. Felicity almost feared that he would start crying, and she wasn’t sure if she’d be able to deal with that. Only a second later, Felicity found herself in his arms though. He had his arms wrapped around her tightly and his lips were placing a firm kiss on the crown of her head.

For a moment, all nervousness was shaken off. Here in Robert’s arm, she felt safe and protected. She felt like a child that had was afraid of riding on the bike without stabilizers for the first time and whose daddy was comforting and encouraging her, giving her a magic hug that was taking her fears and worries away. Even if she fell, she knew, he would be here with her.

The thought made a warm shiver run down the length of her spine, and she could feel goosebumps eliciting on her back. Robert seemed to feel but mistake it for feeling cold. His warm hands rubbed over her back, trying to make her feel a little warmer.

When Robert loosened his arms around her, Felicity stepped back. His hands were resting on her shoulders again, his gaze focused on her face. Although his eyes were still as intent as they had been before, there was a smile in there now.

“Ready?”

Felicity sucked in another deep breath and put a hand to her heart. If it continued to beat as wildly as it did right now, she was sure that she wouldn’t hear a word that was being said during the ceremony. She just hoped that she didn’t miss the right time to say _I do_ and the time for her vows to be said.

The vows. Felicity felt her heart beating even more quickly. She had completely forgotten about her vows after what happened at the gazebo. She didn’t have any wedding vows to read now. Some of the most important words of her life – and they were important now that their marriage was going to last longer than a couple of weeks (hopefully!) and she didn’t have a tumor to excuse her lack of good speech.

“If you need a getaway-car, I can be responsible for that too,” Robert offered, squeezing her shoulder, “because you already are my daughter, Felicity, and I love all three of my children the same. If you need a way out, you-“

_Nothing matters except that I love you_. That was what Oliver had said. She could show up and not do any wedding vows, and he would still love her the same. He wouldn’t hold it against her.

“No,” Felicity said firmly, shaking her head, “no, I don’t need a way out. I don’t want a way out. I want to be with Oliver, and I want to get married to him.”

Robert perked up his eyebrows, a wordless question if she was sure. Felicity nodded her head, shooting him a soothing smile. She was sure. She didn’t have the slightest doubt that getting married to Oliver was exactly what she wanted. 

“Okay then.”

With that, Robert offered her his arm, and Felicity linked her arm with his. Arm in arm, they went down like this. 

On the entire way down into the garden, Felicity hear her blood rushing in her ears. She felt weirdly dizzy, almost like the tumor was back. She knew that it had nothing with to do with any tumor though. Felicity was just nervous, incredibly and almost unrealistically nervous. That nervousness wasn’t coming from doubts about her decision though. She already knew that she had made the right decision when she had decided to get married to Oliver. She was nervous because she was incredibly excited. 

In front of the terrace doors, Robert shot her one more look. It was a wordless question if she really was okay. Only when she nodded her head, he opened the doors and led her outside.

Once they had reached the top of the stairs, the music started playing. A pianist was playing a slow melody, giving a little atmosphere to Robert and Felicity walking down the stairs step for step. The wedding guests had gotten up from their seats and turned around to look at Robert and Felicity. All these eyes staring at her made her feel even more nervous.

Until she met the right pair of eyes. She had just stepped onto the carpet of rose petals when her eyes found Oliver’s. He was waiting for her under the chuppah, just like she had expected him to. He looked about as nervous as she did although his shoulders lost a bit in tension the very moment that they looked at each other. 

She was getting married to this wonderful man, she thought to herself like she only really understood it now. Oliver Jonas Queen, the man she had loved for so long, was going to be her husband. And not just for a couple of days, but for what was hopefully going to be a long time.

The thought made her heartbeat fastening. It settled into a slow and even rhythm. Her breathing got deeper, less trembling. Her blood was no longer rushing in her ear. Still, she didn’t hear anything around her though. Instead, she just heard silence, a wonderful silence that allowed her to focus all the more on Oliver. 

When they reached the chuppah, Robert handed Felicity over to Oliver. He kissed the back of her hand and looked at her intently, almost like he wanted to offer the getaway-car once more. Felicity only winked at him though. If she needed a getaway-car, it was so she and Oliver could enjoy some time just the two of them once they were husband and wife. She wouldn’t get away without him.

Finally, Robert put her hand into Oliver’s whose fingers wrapped around hers tightly without hesitation. He smiled at her, the smile covering his entire face and making him look incredibly sweet or hot or maybe both if that was possible. Felicity just enjoyed seeing him like that.

It also offered her more than she thought was possible. She knew now that, however long they would have, it was going to be the best time of her life. She loved autumn, always had. Now it was the start of the best time of her life. 

“You look beautiful,” he whispered, “incredibly beautiful.”

“Thank you.” Just then, Felicity’s gaze fell onto the movement of Oliver’s free hand that pushed away the jacket of his tuxedo slightly, revealing the suspenders beneath. Felicity’s eyes met Oliver’s again, and they both grinned. “Nice.”

The officiant cleared his throat, calling for their attention. Oliver and Felicity laced their fingers together and shot each other one more smile before they turned towards the officiant. Time to get married – not just for a tick mark on a list but out of deep and heartfelt love.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big spoiler for every one afraid to read this chapter or this story:   
> Felicity is not dead, but that doesn’t mean that everything is heart and rainbows. The end is quite ambiguous actually.

_7 years later_

“Tell the story once more, Mommy.”

Felicity had already crossed half of the room when the excited whisper made her turn back around. The little light on the nightstand was enough for Felicity to see steel-blue eyes looking at her without any of the tiredness she had seen in there before. Full lips smiled at her pleadingly.

Aurora Auumn Smoak-Queen never looked more than her father than when she wanted something from Felicity. She had inherited all of Oliver’s best physical traits. She had the same slender nose, the same full lips and the same steel-blue eyes. She loved to use the latter to get her way by looking like the most innocent angel. Again, it was something that she had picked up from her father.

Just like with her dad, Felicity was unable to say no to these eyes.

“You have heard the story a thousand times by now,” Felicity said softly although she already knew that she was going to give in to her daughter’s request, “and I can still tell it to you tomorrow.”

Aurora shook her head, a wide grin spreading on her face. “Tonight, Mommy.”

With a low sigh, Felicity went back to the bed, but she couldn’t prevent a warm smile to spread on her lips. She lay down on the edge of the mattress and put both of her arms around her daughter. Aurora snuggled up to her mother immediately and adjusted the blanket a little, so she was covering both of them.

Silence spread. There was nothing to be heard but the sounds of their breathing and the rustling of the blanket when Aurora curled herself up against Felicity’s chest.

“Tell the story, Mommy.”

Her whisper was still was excited as it had been before, but maybe there was a little bit of tiredness in her voice again now. Hopefully, if Felicity told her the story one last time now, she would fall asleep soon. It was already past nine, so far past the usual bedtime even for the nosiest of all five-year-olds.

“Five years, five months and sixteen days ago, your daddy and I learned that we were going to become parents to a beautiful princess.”

“You didn’t know that I was going to be this beautiful.”

She definitely had inherited her father’s self-esteem too, but that was certainly a good thing growing up. Felicity had been so unconfident a lot of times, and she knew how much that could eat away on you. Aurora wouldn’t have to go through that.

“No, we didn’t know for sure,” Felicity agreed, tapping the tip of her finger against the tip of Aurora’s nose which made he giggle quietly, “but she knew in our hearts that you couldn’t be anything but beautiful.”

That made a warm smile spread on her daughter’s lip. As many times as she had heard the story now and as many times as she had interrupted with the same commentaries or questions, she still loved hearing every single word. As many times as Felicity had told the story and as many times as she had answered to all the commentaries and questions with the same answers, she still meant every word.

“You started thinking about the name,” Aurora prompted her mother to continue, perking up her eyebrows. “Right?”

“Right.” Felicity smiled. “We were thinking back and forth because we wanted it to be very meaningful. We were thinking about Grace or Fay or Stella.”

“But nothing was good enough.”

“Nothing was good enough.”

Felicity nodded her head. She didn’t tell Aurora that they had considered naming her Thea. She and Oliver had both loved the name and neither of them could have argued that it didn’t hold enough meaning. Thea had meant a lot to the both of them. Because of that, they had ultimately decided against it though. It would have been too painful.

“You know, by the time that we discussed your name, I was already really, really fat.”

“Like a walrus.”

“More like a sperm whale.”

“Is that the same as a blue whale.”

“Almost,” Felicity lied because she knew that Aurora would insist on taking a look at her picture book full of animals otherwise, “but it doesn’t matter. I was just really, really fat.”

“And you had swollen feet.”

“Exactly.” Felicity tapped the tip of her finger against her daughter’s nose once more, wondering when the slow process from her telling this story to them telling this story together had started. “And they hurt like hell that day, so I told your daddy to massage my feet.”

“And he did because he always does everything you tell him.”

Felicity chuckled. “Maybe not everything. But yes.”

Aurora looked at her mother with a wide grin. “When I am old, I want to have a man that does everything I tell him to do, too.”

“Old?” Felicity asked, gasping for breath. “Did you really just call me old?”

“Maybe.”

She grinned at Felicity, who started tickling her immediately. Although she knew that it wasn’t doing anything to help her daughter to fall asleep, she couldn’t stop herself from doing it. When Aurora looked at her like that, she just had to tickle her.

Felicity only stopped when they were both out of breath. She put her arms back around her daughter’s body, pulling her in again. Their foreheads were resting together. Tiredness was washing over Felicity like a strong wave all of a sudden.

“Daddy massaged your feet,” Aurora whispered like she could feel her mother’s tiredness and wanted to take over the story from here on, “and his thumb moved over your tattoo. He looked at it and said, ‘Why don’t we call her Aurora?’”

Felicity smiled, just listening to her daughter’s whispered voice. As much as she loved telling this story, she loved hearing it even more. Aurora’s obsession with the story of how her name had been chosen just touched Felicity’s hearts in ways that she wasn’t able to explain.

“And you loved it because you and daddy got together, like really together, together, when you were seeing the aurora in Alaska.”

The Northern Lights would forever be one of her most favorite memories. She held it as dear as the memory of getting married to Oliver or the memory of holding Aurora in her arms for the first time. The Northern Lights just held a special place in her heart and they held a unique magic that Felicity hoped would rub off on Aurora a little bit.

“And why did we call you Autumn?”

“Because you love autumn,” Aurora answered lightly, “because you and daddy got married in autumn and I was born in autumn. And because it’s just autumn, and autumn is colorful and wonderful and just great. Autumn brought hope after an unbearable summer when you were always tired.”

Felicity smiled sadly. That summer hadn’t been completely unbearable. She had a lot of nice memories of it. She liked to think back at those. Oliver had made sure of that.

Aurora put her hands to Felicity’s cheeks. She looked at her intently. That scrutinizing expression on her face that always made a little furrow form between her eyebrows was something that she had from Felicity for sure. It was sweet a lot of times, but tonight it was almost a little worrying because there was worry in Aurora’s eyes.

“You look tired tonight, Mommy.”

Felicity felt out of words for a moment, but she caught herself quickly. “It’s late which means that it’s time for all of us to sleep.”

“Okay.”

To say that Felicity was surprised by how easy her daughter was willing to give in was an understatement. Usually, Aurora tried to fight sleep for as long as possible.

“Goodnight, Baby.” Felicity placed a kiss on her daughter’s forehead. “Sleep tight.”

“Goodnight, Mommy.”

Without starting another discussion or asking for another story or anything like that, Aurora turned onto her side, tugged her blanket up under her chin and closed her eyes. Felicity smiled, stroking her hand over her daughter’s head. She pulled the blanket a little more tightly around her placed another kiss onto her temple before she walked to the door.

“Mommy?”

Already at the door, Felicity turned back around to Aurora. She had sat up in bed and was looking at her with the same expression in her steel-blue eyes that she had used to persuade Felicity to tell her the story of how her name had been chosen once more.

“Yes?”

“I love you.”

Felicity smiled. “I love you too.”

Aurora smiled back at her before she lay back down, turned onto her side and seemed to be asleep only half a second later. That was definitely something she had from Oliver.

“Sweet dreams, Baby.”

With those whispered words, Felicity left her daughter’s room. She closed the door behind her as quietly as possible, knowing how easily Aurora could wake back up. That was something that she had from Felicity.

She really was a good mix of her parents, Felicity thought not for the first time. There had never been any question about who Aurora’s parents were. Everything about that little girl screamed that she was a true Smoak-Queen.

Felicity tiptoed into her own bedroom and closed the door behind her. She listened into the silence for a moment, almost expecting Aurora to call out for her again, but everything kept quiet. Either Aurora must have been much more tired than she had let Felicity see, or she had just decided to occupy herself. She was great at telling herself bedtime stories.

Turning around to look for Oliver, she found him sitting at the end of the bed. His elbows were resting on his knees and his head hanging between his shoulders. Although she couldn’t see his face, she had known that he had his eyes closed and was focusing on his breathing. He did that very often.

“Did she fall asleep?”

“Not sure,” Felicity replied, approaching him, “I actually think that she will come to our bed sooner or later.”

Oliver nodded his head and just continued nodding it. For a second, Felicity thought he was going to say something to her, but her rolled his lips into his mouth and lowered his head instead. He continued nodding to himself.

Felicity put her hands to his shoulders and crawled onto his lap. Oliver wrapped his arms around her immediately, holding her closer to him. Felicity put her hands to Oliver’s head, stroking them through his hair and over the back of his head to his cheeks. Her fingertips stroked through his short stubble, letting it scratch her sensitive skin. Their eyes locked.

Seven years of marriage, and Felicity could still feel her heart starting to race whenever Oliver just looked at her. When she had fallen in love with him, she given him her entire heart, and he was still taking very good care of it. Just by looking at him, she knew her heart was safe and taken care of.

Slowly, Felicity lowered her lips onto Oliver’s. She brushed a brief kiss against his lips at first. A little fire spread inside of her though, reminding her of how much she wanted Oliver. She deepened the kiss, stroking her tongue against his bottom lip until he granted her entrance. Their tongues met in a slow dance that made Felicity’s hips shift against Oliver’s.

Seven years of marriage, and every single kiss made Felicity feel like she was a horny teenager on cloud number nine. Every kiss made a firework explode inside of her and made her feel every cell in her body, even the forgotten ones that she didn’t know she had. Everything inside of her reacted to Oliver. It always had been that way.

When Oliver broke the kiss, Felicity let her lips travel down to his jaw. Her teeth scratched the edge of his jaw before she lowered her lips to the side of his neck. She caressed it gently, using her lips, tongue and teeth to do so.

“Felicity.” Oliver’s voice was hesitating. His fingers tightened on her hips. The muscles in his chest tightened. “I need a decision.”

Felicity peppered some chaste kisses to the side of Oliver’s neck. Neither of them was really focusing on it. Felicity just needed a little bit more time to distract herself from the conversation that she knew was coming. The bare thought made her heart ache.

They had left this part of their life behind them, or at least that was what Felicity had assumed. It was what they both had assumed. Until they had been disabused last week when a little shadow on the PET-CT scan had proved them otherwise. While they had been taking their time, strolling through life and stopping here and there to see what was on the road, their past had made a run for its money and caught up to them.

So, here they were again – talking about a possibly deadly tumor that might take years of life from Felicity.

“Listen.” Oliver’s arms tightened around her waist, pulling her body even closer to him while he angled his head back at the same time. Steel-blue eyes, the very same eyes that Aurora had used to lure her into telling the story of how her names had been chosen, were looking at her pleadingly. “I know that this is hard. I know that you needed time to think about what to do. I understand that, and I respect that. You said you needed time until after Aurora’s birthday. Her birthday was yesterday.”

Felicity hadn’t forgotten. She had known that Oliver hadn’t forgotten. A little part of her had hoped that he would forget about it though. She had hoped they could both forget about it. Maybe if they forgot about it, it was like it didn’t happen.

But of course life didn’t work like that.

“I love you, Felicity,” he said solemnly, tears welling in his eyes, “and we will stand through this together. We have been here before. We can do it again. I am-“

His voice broke, and he had to lower his gaze for a moment. Leaning forward, he rested his forehead against Felicity’s collarbone and breathed her in. He nuzzled the top of her chest before he placed a kiss on her skin. He sucked in another deep breath before he looked at her again.

“I am going to respect and support whatever decision you make,” he told her, his voice lowered to a whisper, “and I mean that exactly like I said it. _Whatever_ you decide, I will carry that decision with you. If you want to fight, I will be there, and I will fight with you. I you don’t want to fight and just want to travel the world some more or live on a farm in Africa for the time we have left together, I will rent a farm in Zimbabwe or somewhere now. I will do that. I will do everything you want me to do. I just- I just need a decision.”

Felicity nodded her head, knowing that she was right. Seven years ago, it had been okay to take her time with her decision. She had locked herself in, trying to figure out what to do and how to tell the people closest to her. That wasn’t as easy anymore. She was part of a real family now. She was a wife. She was a mother.

Still, what Oliver saw in her first and foremost was a person that needed to make a decision about her life. He could have easily pressured her to try therapy because she had a husband and, most importantly, a child to think about. Her decisions were affecting a child now. That made this entirely different from seven years ago.

Oliver’s eyes were still on her face. He looked at her so intently like he tried to read her decision from her face. Felicity almost believed that he could.

“I have thought about it,” Felicity said eventually, her voice sounding little like herself, “and the truth is that-“

What was the truth? That she was scared? That she hated all of this? That she didn’t even want to think about it?

“Seven years ago, I didn’t have the energy to fight,” she whispered, “but that’s different now. You and Aurora have given me so much strength, so much energy and so much to fight for. When I became a mother, the very moment that pregnancy test showed the positive result, I knew that I would always do whatever I have to do to keep this child safe and protected from pain that would be too much to carry. So I want to fight. I want to try therapy. I want to at least try.”

Oliver looked like she had just taken away the rope that had been wrapped around his neck and suffocated him. He releases a breath that Felicity was sure he hadn’t known he had been holding. His head dropped against her collarbone, his arms wrapping so tightly around her that Felicity could barely breathe, but she didn’t mind. She snuggled as close against Oliver as possible.

“I will be there with you,” Oliver told her, suddenly angling his head back against to lock his eyes with hers, “on every single step on the way. I will give you every bit of strength I have to- I am so relieved that you want to fight. I will fight with you. I will-“

“I love you,” Felicity whispered, interrupting his frantic babbling, “I love you so much.”

“I love you,” Oliver replied, “I love you so much.”

Their lips met in a heated kiss. Felicity could taste the desperation Oliver must have been going through since she had been diagnosed. She held him as tightly as possible, comforting him and holding on to him.

When she broke the kiss, Oliver tried to chase her lips. Felicity would have loved to let him succeed, but she leaned away far enough to prevent that from happening. Oliver opened his eyes, looking at her.

“Before I start therapy,” Felicity said, “I want to take Aurora to Alaska and watch the Northern Lights with her. We don’t have to stay long. It can be a weekend or whatever, but I want to see the Northern Lights with the both of you. They brought some magic into our world seven years ago. Maybe they can do it again.”

Oliver nodded his head. “I will book a flight and a home to stay first thing tomorrow.”

Felicity smiled with relief. She had thought that Oliver would fight her on this. Traveling away for a weekend or some days might mean that she could only start therapy a little later. She wasn’t exactly surprised that he had accepted it so easily though. He had always respected her wishes, and she doubted that this would ever change, especially when it came to the Northern Lights or their daughter.

Again, their lips met in a urgent kiss. Felicity pulled at Oliver’s shirt, while he pulled down her tights. Turning them, Oliver pushed Felicity’s back into the mattress, covering her body with his. Their lips never parted.

They needed this. They needed a night of forgetting. Only losing themselves in each other was going to offer them that. They needed that.

Oliver’s hand pushed under the hoodie Felicity was wearing when the door opened. Oliver didn’t bother to roll off Felicity. He just shifted his weight a little and turned his head enough to look behind them. Felicity lifted her head from the mattress and wasn’t surprised to find Aurora standing in the door, her stuffed polar bear under her arm.

“I will sleep between the two of you.”

She didn’t even ask, knowing there was no need to. The answer would never be a no. She just stated it, closed the door and came running towards the bed. Oliver and Felicity moved apart, making just enough room for Aurora to lie down between them. Her head was resting on Oliver’s bicep, right under his chin. Her back was pressed to Oliver’s chest. Her forehead rested against Felicity’s. She held her polar bear with one hand, while the other was grabbing Felicity’s hoodie and holding it like she was afraid that Felicity might disappear overnight.

Quietly, Felicity watched Aurora. She looked so peaceful, now definitely asleep. Felicity could only hope that she was never going to be haunted by the same nightmares that had haunted Felicity after her mother had died way too young.

Hope, Felicity thought to herself, was maybe what they really needed tonight. Forgetting was not going to change anything. The reality would only hit them harder once they woke up tomorrow. Hope, on the other hand, might give them a little bit more strength to stand this through. They needed that hope.

Felicity angled her head a little, not surprised to find Oliver watching her the same way that she had been watching their daughter.

“We will get through this,” Felicity whispered to him, lacing her fingers with his and squeezing them tightly, “together.”

Oliver nodded his head, a halfhearted smile on his lips. “Together.”


End file.
